How did they do it?

I just wonder how our mothers, fathers, grandparents and ancestors grieved when their spouse's passed without the use of the internet, and bereavement groups, Hospice, counselors, online grief groups, and medication. All of those who have gone on before us and even those millions and millions who are in turmoil for what we all are all going through, whether they are celebrity or infamous, pain is pain. Even with having a support network and the help that is available nowadays it is still so very difficult to bear. How did they ever do it? Since time began, there has been an ocean of tears. How did they do it? I don't have the answer, but I just think it must have been harder back then.

In every aspect of life things have gotten more convenient, like pen and paper to the computer and from rubbing sticks together to electricity, kids don't even know what a 45 or 78 inch record, an 8-track tape or a cassette is, how could they know? As time goes on we have it easier, but we don't even realize it, so how could we know? Which makes me think that for all the sorrow each of us is going through, like it is with the M-13 gangs, and the street violence where kids have been murdered for a pair of sneakers, there are those out there in the world that have no conscience and are desensitized to the human condition. No wonder I feel lots of people don't understand me or what we are going through. (I guess this was my centennial minute for this century.)

Don't mind me, I'm just thinking out loud. I have no one else to talk to. Everyone has their work or family issues and I have nothing better to do than analyze the entire world. Maybe my son was right, to consider in getting a volunteer job. (Don't know if I can.) He mentioned this soon after his Dad passed away (I hate to say the word died when it applies to him) but I just want to isolate unless I go out with family. I don't think I should depend on my loved ones to heal me 24/7. When I do go out I get distracted, and I feel better, but I still come home alone and the invevitable sadness returns. After all, I'm only human. Intellectually I know Dan is with me, but I still wish he was still here with me in person. I don't like to face this cruel world alone. But, I wouldn't want Danny to be still suffering either. I guess I just needed to vent what is within me, and if you read all of this, you are a Saint.

God bless and ((Hugs)),

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 12, 2010 at 1:26pm

Suzanne, isnt it amazing how we are analyzing the world now. Even what we see daily during our errands or tv or whatever. We certainly see things differantly. I'm good at analyzing anyway but it seems like I am always doing that now.I suppose its because we are seeing it in a whole new light. I guess "back in the day" there was no one to help. You just lumped it. I cant do that but what can I say.Its a terrible situation and at least we have this site. Hugs to you. Hugs are go.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on October 12, 2010 at 2:52pm

Suzanne, you are so right on. the word keeps changing, the bad thing is it's changing for the worse as you said and it's really sad, so i am having fun replaying my life, all of it and it is turning out to be so enjoyable. the laughs the things we used to do people you have forgotten. i'm going to enjoy being in my world as long as i can, because right now thats all that counts. and hopefully enjoy the future as best i can. hugs

Permalink Reply by Connie on October 13, 2010 at 4:29pm

Suzanne, Venting is very good for you. We all need to vent. And not only because of the suffering we are enduring at this time, but everyone needs to vent. Our problem is that we had our husbands to vent to and now we are alone and it is very difficult to get someone to give you the time to say what is really on your mind.

I think our grandparents, etc. had more family around them all the time. Maybe back then, families understood what the pain was like and were able to offer more support. Maybe everyone was not so involved in their own lives that they had more time for each other. I think people stayed closer to home because they did not have the transportation available to them that we have today.

Maybe your son was right in suggesting a volunteer job. However, getting out during the day is great but when you come home to an empty house the pain meets you at the door and you just can't get away from it. I try to get out as much as I can but when I get back home, it is here all over again.

I think my little puppy has helped me so very much. When I go to bed at night, she is there with me and it is amazing how little bed we need because she sleeps right up against me. It's not what I want but it is all I can have now and it has to help.

I did have to chuckle about the records and the 8 track's and the cassettes. The cars today don't even have cassette players in them anymore. DVD's are going the way of CD's and now Blu-Ray is in. Things are going so quickly. If you buy a computer today, tomorrow it is obsolete because something new has come out. You just cannot keep up with it.

No matter how good our children are to us, we cannot depend on them 24/7 to help us get through. I just try to tell them that everything is okay and hope that they believe it. They have their own lives to live and I cannot expect them to stop their world because mine came crashing down.

Suzanne, we just need to hang in there and be here for each other because we truly know the feeling of losing someone we love, the only we have loved. It is so sad that the only way we know the feeling is by experiencing it for ourselves. I Thank God for all the great people on this site because they have helped me tremendously. It is very important to have someone that you can talk to and you don't need to pretend that everything is okay. Friday will be our 47th wedding anniversary and Tuesday, Nov. 9th will be one year since my husband passed. This is a really tough time for me right now.

Permalink Reply by Linda O'Connor on October 13, 2010 at 5:53pm

Suzanne, I really like what you wrote, and it certainly does make one think of the differences in our world. Also, by analyzing the world, it shows your brain is still working! On another note, you do not want to isolate yourself & stay home alone; even if it means a chance to drive to the mall & walk around. You are then getting exercise, which is a good thing. Plus, if you do walking, you will make yourself hungry & force yourself to eat, when sometimes I know you don't even care if you do. We all certainly do miss our spouse, but have no control on God's order for our lives. You stated that you know Dan is with you, & I feel the same way. I also feel like you do that I wish Kevin was here in person - even if it was to watch him sleep on the couch. It will be 2 yrs for me on the 29th of this mo, & I still grieve, but have more good days. I am now able to remember him & our memories with happiness & smile when I look at his picture. And no, I don't think I am a Saint cause I read your whole message! God Bless You & Hugs to, as Randolph always says! Here on this site we all can feel the hugs & love!

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 13, 2010 at 8:04pm

Hi Randolph,
I think this has been in my nature to analyze anyway, it's just I have more time now. Like you, I also see things very differently now since living in solitude, like for instance what is really important and not wasting precious time. But my counselor has been telling me of late that I need to grieve things through rather than think things through. I need to rule my heart rather than my head ruling me. Irregardless, I don't think that would get in the way of my thoughts of how the world is working since as someone else suggested still using my brain is a good thing. And my counselor was speaking of grieving, not my opinions of the progession of the world. So, I will continue to think, but I will take the time to feel my grief.

This site is a good venue, as well as other support measures which have also helped me enormously. I believe there is a time for everything, in deference to what has been a time to reap, and also sow, I also believe there is a time to speak, and a time to say nothing. There is a time to reach out for help, and there is a time to help others. . There is a time to keep the door shut, and there is a time to be open. There is a time to weep, and there is a time for joy. There is a time to doubt, and there is a time to hope...and my thought about this is that the only hope (for me) is to hope that God will take away all of our tears. You are always in my prayers, Randolph.
God bless and hugs,
Suzanne

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Suzanne, isnt it amazing how we are analyzing the world now. Even what we see daily during our errands or tv or whatever. We certainly see things differantly. I'm good at analyzing anyway but it seems like I am always doing that now.I suppose its because we are seeing it in a whole new light. I guess "back in the day" there was no one to help. You just lumped it. I cant do that but what can I say.Its a terrible situation and at least we have this site. Hugs to you. Hugs are go.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 13, 2010 at 8:10pm

Dear Virginia,
Yes, I agree, the world is changing for the worse and please don't misunderstand these words, but sometimes I think Danny is in the better world. But, I know for sure my time is not up yet, and I know Danny is with me, there are some things I need to work on, and I believe God will let His will be known to me, but as we all know, it still hurts. I am not in the place that you are right now, but I am happy you are making the best out of life, for this life is a precious gift.
God bless and hugs,
Suzanne

Virginia said:

Suzanne, you are so right on. the word keeps changing, the bad thing is it's changing for the worse as you said and it's really sad, so i am having fun replaying my life, all of it and it is turning out to be so enjoyable. the laughs the things we used to do people you have forgotten. i'm going to enjoy being in my world as long as i can, because right now thats all that counts. and hopefully enjoy the future as best i can. hugs

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 13, 2010 at 8:37pm

Dear Lois,
I agree absolutely with everything you said. Although my parents did the best they possibly could with what they knew, it is very rare that in the first half of this century it has become more apparent that the dysfunctional family was more prevalant, therefore, have a separate set of values which has worsened in time and in the U.S. there are quite a few now (not the loving children, mind you) but those who leave their parents, grandparents, and the elderly either carelessly or due to circumstances out of their control in the care of the nursing home system. I have heard that in other countries they honor and revere their elders and keep them in their own homes and all 3 generations, as you said, take care of one another. That has, unfortunately not been the case for everyone, as it should be, as you said.

I was referring to all who have been here before us who have lost a spouse to death and kept their feelings silent and did not deal with their emotions, and did not grieve. What I meant to say was how all who were in sorrow had no one to talk to or depend upon, or lean on their shoulder to cry, as they just kept everything in and thinking they needed to remain strong, not showing their tears for the sake of their children/family. Now, at least in some measure there are places of comfort available, like Hospice and neighbors, and friends to listen or online grief groups to rant and rave and obtain support. That is with the exception of the murderers, thieves, and well I think you get my point. In reference to your very valid point, everything is 'go play by yourself', ie ipads, ipods, blue tooth, self-serving gadgets as the parents are not involved and are bad examples with road rage, oversexed teachers and killing in school sports. On the other hand, there are good people here too. It would probably be a good idea if all the good guys stick together. LoL
God bless and hugs,
Suzanne

Lois Taitague said:

One of the biggest differences between then and now is that the women where not out of the home working at a paying job like they are now. Not saying they didn't toil, but they were more physically available. Many homes contained three generations, as did mine growing up, and they were a support to each other. Social interaction was their "entertainment" as the solitary pursuits of TV, computers, gaming is ours. We have things easier these days, but seem to be busier for some reason. Kids like to be social with each other, but it's not face to face: FaceBook, phone, texting, etc. Too bad we don't learn how important personal friendships are until we need them ourselves.

Just think of how much entertainment is based on violence; it's no wonder there is a general desensitizing. By time a child hits his teen years he's watched hundreds of killings, and all as fun. When the real thing happens, the brain sees it in the same light as all the others. Scary.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 13, 2010 at 9:10pm

Dear Connie,
You are so right, as everyone here is right on target, with our own perspective. We don't have our spouse to run things by or have long conversations with, and I for one think that if I didn't have this support from Legacy.com and other grief sites, Hospice bereavement meetings, family, understanding friends I would be isolating 24/7 and doing nothing to help myself. At least we have each other, which is a very good thing for which I consider myself very fortunate.

All that you said I can certainly relate or agree. The more the world developes, the faster things get, and the more apart we live from each other. Where is the support. We must get it from friends who are at first strangers but who have this emotional pain in common. What a shame. So sad. I know it seems contradictory to what I have been ranting about but nowadays since my 2 sons and Dan's sisters do all have their own families and issues, I really think it's up to me to keep a balance of knowing when the time is to handle my independence and to let others know what my needs are. Although getting back to another point, maybe there is a time we need to grieve with our children as a family rather than keeping our feelings separate from them.

You are so right about coming home to an empty place. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone, so I need to find a way that's right for me in between rising in the morning and retiring at night. Friday, the 15th would have been a day I thought I'd be saying to Danny, 'Well, we have been living in our apartment for 30 years." I remember looking forward to saying that to him and every single day there is always some kind of a memory, but I can't say that to him now. This is one of the many, little things that come up for me, but you have such a more momentous occasion to get through and I want to say again how sorry I am for your loss, as I don't remember the last time I mentioned it to you, and for your difficult days ahead, but like you said, we will need to hang on. Let's hang on to each other. I remember you in my prayers and will especially on Friday and in the coming weeks. (Just a thought I had November 7th was a day I remember that was told to me that Dan's parents were married and it was also the same date that years later Danny was Baptized.) I will pray you get through each day. I am so sorry for these rough days for you and for all of us, when our world crashed, I can only speak for myself, that I didn't know it was going to be like this. I pray you have better days ahead.
God bless and hugs,
Suzanne

Connie said:

Suzanne, Venting is very good for you. We all need to vent. And not only because of the suffering we are enduring at this time, but everyone needs to vent. Our problem is that we had our husbands to vent to and now we are alone and it is very difficult to get someone to give you the time to say what is really on your mind.

I think our grandparents, etc. had more family around them all the time. Maybe back then, families understood what the pain was like and were able to offer more support. Maybe everyone was not so involved in their own lives that they had more time for each other. I think people stayed closer to home because they did not have the transportation available to them that we have today.

Maybe your son was right in suggesting a volunteer job. However, getting out during the day is great but when you come home to an empty house the pain meets you at the door and you just can't get away from it. I try to get out as much as I can but when I get back home, it is here all over again.

I think my little puppy has helped me so very much. When I go to bed at night, she is there with me and it is amazing how little bed we need because she sleeps right up against me. It's not what I want but it is all I can have now and it has to help.

I did have to chuckle about the records and the 8 track's and the cassettes. The cars today don't even have cassette players in them anymore. DVD's are going the way of CD's and now Blu-Ray is in. Things are going so quickly. If you buy a computer today, tomorrow it is obsolete because something new has come out. You just cannot keep up with it.

No matter how good our children are to us, we cannot depend on them 24/7 to help us get through. I just try to tell them that everything is okay and hope that they believe it. They have their own lives to live and I cannot expect them to stop their world because mine came crashing down.

Suzanne, we just need to hang in there and be here for each other because we truly know the feeling of losing someone we love, the only we have loved. It is so sad that the only way we know the feeling is by experiencing it for ourselves. I Thank God for all the great people on this site because they have helped me tremendously. It is very important to have someone that you can talk to and you don't need to pretend that everything is okay. Friday will be our 47th wedding anniversary and Tuesday, Nov. 9th will be one year since my husband passed. This is a really tough time for me right now.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on October 13, 2010 at 9:34pm

Wow! Amazing insight! Thank you for posting this to our group. You have hit on a lot of excellent points here about the differences between times yet the fact that the pain is still there. I have chosen to feature this in hopes that all our members will read it and glean something from it. Thanks again.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 13, 2010 at 9:56pm

Dear Linda,
You are right about getting out, but I don't have my own transportation nor the means to obtain one, and I have arthritis in my feet and knees, especially in my left knee. With my insurance it is very unlikely that I will be allowed surgery to correct it, so walking even if it's for my health or to enjoy it, this is something I have to figure out another outlet to get exercise. I hope it doesn't seem like excuses. Because I enjoyed reading your reply very much. Which leads me to let you in on a secret of mine, because I feel I can trust everyone here to allow me to share a problematic condition for my grief. I am a compulsive overeater and after my husband passed away I started overeating for about a month or so. I made the observation about myself that:
1. I never knew how horrible TV dinners really taste. (Sorry to anyone who thinks differently)
2. I couldn't keep overeating and gaining untold amount of weight, it is not my intention for my appearance to look unsightly TO ME.
3. I'm sorry, that I think many may have a problem with me saying this, but maybe you won't, but I discovered that when I started to enjoy the pleasure I once had with overeating, I'm talking really big-time overeating, I felt guilty that Danny wasn't here with me to enjoy the food (that we made and shared together) or that (when he was well) he wasn't here to plead with me to get back on my diet (I told him for years and years that I know I lost 120 lbs. before and I will do it again, the problem is I kept putting it off, it's just as bad as alcoholism, TO ME) and I kept putting it off until it was too late. Believe me, he loved me with all his heart, and I know it to be a fact that I was everything to him and he to me, but he always said he was worried about my compulsion and about my health. Now, he'll never see me the way I would have like him to see me. (For the last 3 months of Dan's life I made myself stay on my food plan because I knew that at this time he needed me.) How I knew, God only knows.
Therefore,...
4. I went on a disciplined plan that I started and kept maintaining a rigid but necessary unconventional way to continue to live so that I would be able to consume only the basics, because I couldn't enjoy eating, one of my favorite things to do. When Dan and I had ice cream and watched TV together I was in heaven. I just can't enjoy eating. But, not to worry, I realize things may change. That's just how I feel right now. (And on occasion when I go out I will imbibe in ONE piece of cheescake) Other than that my addiction cannot afford the temptation to overeat and/or enjoy pleasure in eating.
So, since we are as sick as our secrets, now that it's out, maybe I will feel that I'm not as sick as I think.

I have good and bad days too, as you said, and I kind of knew they would be coming, but I know after a few days of tears I've had, I remember the days that I was feeling so much better, so at least I know that they will return. I have a few outings I'm looking forward to coming up, and just today I went with my son's mother-in-law to visit with our kids and see our granddaughter Abigail. She is such a little doll. Her older brother was in school and was sorry he missed us, but we'll be seeing them again soon.

My hope is that one day I will think fondly of my memories of Dan as you do of your husband. At least I look at his pictures all the time now, and I don't wince as much in shock. There's progress, thank You, God. I had to smile about your comment about being a Saint. I forgot I said that. Good one. Take care.
God bless and hugs, you and I and all of us need them, ((Hugs))
Suzanne

Linda O'Connor said:

Suzanne, I really like what you wrote, and it certainly does make one think of the differences in our world. Also, by analyzing the world, it shows your brain is still working! On another note, you do not want to isolate yourself & stay home alone; even if it means a chance to drive to the mall & walk around. You are then getting exercise, which is a good thing. Plus, if you do walking, you will make yourself hungry & force yourself to eat, when sometimes I know you don't even care if you do. We all certainly do miss our spouse, but have no control on God's order for our lives. You stated that you know Dan is with you, & I feel the same way. I also feel like you do that I wish Kevin was here in person - even if it was to watch him sleep on the couch. It will be 2 yrs for me on the 29th of this mo, & I still grieve, but have more good days. I am now able to remember him & our memories with happiness & smile when I look at his picture. And no, I don't think I am a Saint cause I read your whole message! God Bless You & Hugs to, as Randolph always says! Here on this site we all can feel the hugs & love!

Permalink Reply by Virginia on October 14, 2010 at 8:28am

Suzanne hi, I am glad you were able to post about your little secret. I understand that it can be a problem, but as you said it is a diasese and one just as hard as any other to over come. I commend you for knowing you have a problem thats the first step. The next step is to try and get help for it because you need the medical attention and guidence and not to mention the mental support that is so needed this is not something you can truelly do yourself. The one thing you need to keep in mind is you have to do it for you and because if not, it's not going to work, you can't do it for anyone else or any other reason. Now i would like to say something, I know there will be arguments and many opinons on this and yes, believe me i've heard them all. When I was a young child i was skinny as a bean pole when i got into the 5th grade half way thru the year i started putting on weight at a very good clip. I wasn't doing anything different, was taken to the DR., my parents were told nothing to worry about. I was a very active child and kept active but it just continued to pile on. nothing worked diets, meds. added excerise. as i grew into the teenage yrs. i tried very hard to keep it down and did ok not skinny but , i learned you can be healthy and overweight, and i had boy friends, after many deaths both parents and a fieance withen 2 yrs, at 17 i was on my own. then at age 18 found a full time job and met Mike i was still overweight for my age exc. but he didn't see that, he seen ME, the person i was, and still am today. i've tried everything there is but, it runs in the family and the one and the biggest thing i have learned is you must be happy and content with yourself, if people can't get past the visual to get to know YOU then their not worth knowing. so keep working on it and as in the grieving process BABY STEPS I will be here to cheer you on and wish you much luck. hugs

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on October 15, 2010 at 1:16am

Lois, you are so right, you nailed it...Sometimes I wish life was as simple and uncomplicated as it was when I was growing up. Kids nowadays don't know what they are missing.

Lois Taitague said:

One of the biggest differences between then and now is that the women where not out of the home working at a paying job like they are now. Not saying they didn't toil, but they were more physically available. Many homes contained three generations, as did mine growing up, and they were a support to each other. Social interaction was their "entertainment" as the solitary pursuits of TV, computers, gaming is ours. We have things easier these days, but seem to be busier for some reason. Kids like to be social with each other, but it's not face to face: FaceBook, phone, texting, etc. Too bad we don't learn how important personal friendships are until we need them ourselves.

Just think of how much entertainment is based on violence; it's no wonder there is a general desensitizing. By time a child hits his teen years he's watched hundreds of killings, and all as fun. When the real thing happens, the brain sees it in the same light as all the others. Scary.