Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on October 21, 2010 at 9:24am

I'm sorry to find out there are so many steps, it's only been 9 weeks for me and I feel like I have walked up a mountain and back. I dread being happy now because I know it won't last long, for me Halloween is going to be bad, my Joe loved this holiday he was such a prankster and loved all the fantasy of Halloween in our house costumes where not an option. I read all of your posts and I know that there are good days I have them sometimes but then I think about what he would have done and I am right back at the beginning. Thanks for letting me go on about this I have to admit I am afraid of what the season ahead of me will bring.

Permalink Reply by bc on October 21, 2010 at 9:43am

Kay, I'm sorry for your loss and I didn't mean to sound negative, the only thing you can do is take one day at a time. Yes, that mountain is always there but as time goes by you will find that you will go two steps forward and one back, it won't go away but the meltdowns will be farther apart. The upcoming season will be tough, but remember your good memories and live everyday for Joe, try and do one thing a day that is positive just for him, that's the only way I get through. Keep me updated on your days, I'm here for you, its just I've been having a tough time with too many things going on and that gets me overwhelmed which leads to my meltdowns. Let the tears come whenever you feel like it, tears are good for healing, and remember that hugs are good. I'm sending you a big hug! Love you! Barb


Kay Arcuni said:

I'm sorry to find out there are so many steps, it's only been 9 weeks for me and I feel like I have walked up a mountain and back. I dread being happy now because I know it won't last long, for me Halloween is going to be bad, my Joe loved this holiday he was such a prankster and loved all the fantasy of Halloween in our house costumes where not an option. I read all of your posts and I know that there are good days I have them sometimes but then I think about what he would have done and I am right back at the beginning. Thanks for letting me go on about this I have to admit I am afraid of what the season ahead of me will bring.

Permalink Reply by TINA GREER on October 21, 2010 at 9:51am

I understand what you are saying. Every time I think I have made it to the top of the mountain, there comes a slip and I slide right back to the bottom and have to start all over again. I find myself feeling guilty when I am happy, when I smile, when I seem like I am ok. Christmas is going to be hard for me. It was a tradition that every year I would come up with a different theme to do the tree in. He would help me with the lights, then leave it up to me to finish. I was always so excited this time of year to start looking at the new decorations in the store to start coming up with ideas. Now, I don't even want to go into a store, because I can't stand to look at them. We have a large family (5 kids, 9 grandchildren), and never had a lot of money for presents, but for us, it wasn't about that, it was about family and being together. Now, there is a hole, not just for me but for all of us. It hurts my heart so bad when I look and the grandchildren and know that he will not be here to share in their lives... to be a role model for them.... Our youngest are 23 month old twin girls. They were born 10 weeks early and spent months in the NICU. They we so tiny.. he loved them babies more than anything. Now, they will never know him. That just breaks my heart! I hope that some way we will all find a way to make it through these next few difficult months!

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on October 21, 2010 at 10:44am

barb: i did not know there was any stages i must be like you thru the 12-18months period i guess we can say thank god we have family but i know this does not help because the family has other things beside us i remember george was always down in the dumps every holiday thanksgiving and christmas but i just left he alone you see both of his parents died in december one year apart (i guess there is a things called broken hearts)his brother also passed away the beginnig of december. i really am not looking forward to christmas because i will be missing george and me buying 1 big present for both of us now that is no longer there. so i just give the kids clothes (twins) amanda 10 i give money to i do not want the holidays to come either but we cannot stop them from coming

Permalink Reply by Jo on October 21, 2010 at 11:06am

I am sorry for your loss.Mine has only been 9 weeks,but i am trying to find information on the 5-7 steps of grief so that I know where I am in the process .Each one of us is different,but here are 2 books that might be helpful,both available on Amazon.com/ 'On Grief and Grieving" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler-easy to read and understand/and "I Wasn't Ready to say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair.PH.D.This is a grief workbook where you can write your feelings/good,bad and anywhere in between.Not expensive and both are in paperback. Although I had taken psychology courses on Death and Dying,it was a long time ago,and when it happens to you,everything changes and your are grieving in a way only you know.All the advise in the world may not help,but these books might.
This may sound strangr to some of you,but AVOIDING all the things you did together may not help you.Do something you did with your loved one and get into the pain and feelings,and you might find you can do it It's not easy,but you need a life,too.Friends and Family will help you,too.They want good things for you,so lean on them.
You will need to create your own NORMAL,at some point,I guess;When and how are huge questions.I have them,too.
I wish you stability;I am not even close to getting there.Every day is a new challenge.We do our best Hugs

Permalink Reply by Jo on October 21, 2010 at 11:06am

I am sorry for your loss.Mine has only been 9 weeks,but i am trying to find information on the 5-7 steps of grief so that I know where I am in the process .Each one of us is different,but here are 2 books that might be helpful,both available on Amazon.com/ 'On Grief and Grieving" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler-easy to read and understand/and "I Wasn't Ready to say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair.PH.D.This is a grief workbook where you can write your feelings/good,bad and anywhere in between.Not expensive and both are in paperback. Although I had taken psychology courses on Death and Dying,it was a long time ago,and when it happens to you,everything changes and your are grieving in a way only you know.All the advise in the world may not help,but these books might.
This may sound strangr to some of you,but AVOIDING all the things you did together may not help you.Do something you did with your loved one and get into the pain and feelings,and you might find you can do it It's not easy,but you need a life,too.Friends and Family will help you,too.They want good things for you,so lean on them.
You will need to create your own NORMAL,at some point,I guess;When and how are huge questions.I have them,too.
I wish you stability;I am not even close to getting there.Every day is a new challenge.We do our best Hugs

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on October 21, 2010 at 1:23pm

I have read each of you comments and they all seem to apply to me at different times. I too feel guilty when I am happy or enjoying something. I had been having a good couple of days this week and last night when I went to bed all of a sudden i just started crying. It has been 9 weeks but at that moment it felt as if it was just yesterday. I also found two good books on Amazon.com/Finding your way after your spouse dies by Marta Felber and Healing a Spouses grieving heart by Alan Wolfelt. Both have provided me with some comfort and helped me understand a little better why I feel the way I do. I do want to make my husband proud of me so I am going to continue to move forward, even when I have set backs. I hope someday we can each find our own new "normal". Until then I think we just each have to look to God, our families and each other for the strength we need to face each new day. Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by Linda O'Connor on October 21, 2010 at 5:19pm

Barb, I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. It just isn't easy, no matter how long it's been. This week has been bad for me, as will the rest of the month. Kevin fell at home on a Sunday (2 yrs ago) & cut his head real bad; had to call the squad, as my neighbor & I could not support him to get him to the car. They then discovered he had pneunonia(sp). Sunday the 19th was the last day he spoke to me. By the next day he was in ICU on a ventilator. On 28th, they needed to take him off ventilator & put on a respirator. He had a living will & chances weren't good, so we (his sister & brothers deferred to me) decided to take him off ventilator. That happened at 2:30 PM & by 12:35 AM 10/29/08, he was gone (I was with him the whole time). So next week on 28th & 29th I'll be a mess again, but at least I'll be at work & busy during the day...then I'll come home & relive it all again.
You & others posted on this haven't been this far yet, but except for certain dates, I can say that I've done much better in the past few months. I think mostly from learning from all of you & becoming friends with so many on a personal level. I do now tend to remember the good times, vacations together, etc & smile; instead of when he became sick for 1 1/2 yrs & then hospital.
Not sure how many steps there are, but time does heal the heart's pain, but the heart still hurts & misses the best thing that ever happened to us. I think we will always have a missing hole in our heart that won't heal over. God Bless you my friend. Call me if you need to, I'm here for you.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on October 21, 2010 at 5:59pm

Barb, I'm sorry your having a bad time. Hang in there it will pass till the next one. We will proballly have these days forever,just with longer periods in between them .I will keep you and everyone here in my prayers. hugs.

Permalink Reply by janeo on October 21, 2010 at 8:32pm

Hi I'm new to this site I lost my husband and best friend on Dec 8th 2009 it was his 54th birthday.and our 25th anniversity is coming up on Nov 2, I know how you feel I keep thinking that I'll be o.K. and he is watching me and my son. And it seems like a never ending nightmare. I'm still in the shock that he is gone still stage.I don't think I can handle any more steps. I want my pain and everyone else who lost a spouse to go away to. I Know how you feel. I can't sleep in my room no more I swtiched rooms with my son. I can't sit on the couch we sat on together. All I do is cry and nobody understands they keep telling me I'm putting to much stress on myself. And that I should get on with my life. Thats crazy we been together for 30 years how do you go on. My life was taken away from me. If you ever need to talk I will listen anytime. My e-mail address is zx2angel23@yahoo.com

Jane

Permalink Reply by Mary on October 21, 2010 at 8:59pm

Hi Barb,
I am so sorry you are having a rough time right now. We all have rough times "meltdowns", it just can sneak up on us out of nowhere. Might last for just a little while or for days at a time. I also am dreading the holidays this year, as it will be my first one without Jim. He has only been gone now for 8 1/2 months, seems like a lifetime. It will be hard enough just the fact that he isn't here, and to add to that, my children aren't getting along. It all has to do with my youngest leaving her husband for this other guy. I can't stand him for many reasons. I know he has outstanding warrants and will be in a lot of trouble when the law catches up with him, and my daughter isn't aware of this. Also his health issues. At 32 he has had cancer and two strokes. Now, I know he can't help the cancer, however I suspect the stroke are a side effect of long term drug use, and his warrants also back that up. My daughters life will never be the same, no matter how this ends up. But it is so hard to have them not getting along, when I will need all of their support, just to get through the seasons. I want to crawl under a rock, or dissapear until the new year.

I hope all here are able to get through this difficult time of year. We are all here to support each other. Hey, Barb, with winter coming, I will be looking for "thunder" snow storms. Send them my way if you get any. (Private joke between Barb and I, she understands). Hang in there, my friend. Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by bc on October 21, 2010 at 9:42pm

Debbie, I have gone through the guilt stage and finally on the first anniversary of Brad's leaving (I still can't say the d word) I decided then and there that he gave me so much, and taught me so much during our time together and he never liked seeing me sad, so I told him that the best gift I could give him was to do one positive thing a day for him. I want him to rest in peace and I know he couldn't if I wasn't trying to live my life the way he would want me to. Its not easy, in fact its as hard as hell sometimes, but then I think of Brad's smile and twinkle in his eyes wanting me to survive this and it makes me try harder. That mountain will always be there but it's up to us to climb it. I dont think any of us are looking forward to the season ahead, I turned Brad from a Scrooge into someone who loved the decorations, and this year I want to try and celebrate with him from Heaven. Let's stick together and see it throuh! Hugs to you!


Debbie Treadway said:

I have read each of you comments and they all seem to apply to me at different times. I too feel guilty when I am happy or enjoying something. I had been having a good couple of days this week and last night when I went to bed all of a sudden i just started crying. It has been 9 weeks but at that moment it felt as if it was just yesterday. I also found two good books on Amazon.com/Finding your way after your spouse dies by Marta Felber and Healing a Spouses grieving heart by Alan Wolfelt. Both have provided me with some comfort and helped me understand a little better why I feel the way I do. I do want to make my husband proud of me so I am going to continue to move forward, even when I have set backs. I hope someday we can each find our own new "normal". Until then I think we just each have to look to God, our families and each other for the strength we need to face each new day. Hugs to all.

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