How Many More Steps?

Hi everyone, I thought I was starting to be more positive after 14 months but the past few days have been "meltdown" days again. After reading more about the grieving "process" I've found out that I'm in what they cal the 12-18 month grief step. How many more steps do we need to go through? I'm trying so hard and with the help and support of all of you, I thought I was doing better, but now I've been hit again in the stomach of the reality of this life I have to lead. My job helps me but I always come home to the place we always were together and it hurts not to have Brad here. I don't think this will ever end. I know "they" say it never goes away but it gets easier to handle, right now its not that easy to handle. Then I go into the stores and see Christmas all over. I don't want the holidays to come, I don't want to go through another Christmas season without Brad here to enjoy it with me.

I guess I just needed to get this out, how many more steps do we have to go through to feel somewhat normal again?? Thanks for listening everyone and I hope you all are doing okay.

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Permalink Reply by janeo on October 27, 2010 at 8:27pm

All I can say i'm here for you when ever you want someone to talk with or be listened to and that is for everyone else to.
My e-mail address is
zx2angel23@yahoo.com
I here for all of you were in this together.

Permalink Reply by Carmella Gazzara on October 29, 2010 at 7:59pm

Barb; I'm new into this group and I feel all that you are feeling. You posted your message on Oct 21st, that is my Eddie's birthday. My Eddie passed away 01/23/10. I cry everyday. In the beginning, I had to pull on the side of the road when I was driving home from work because I cried so hard. Everyone at work said I am doing so good,,,well I'm not. I look at others and believe me I am not jealous of them, but I so long to have all the things I had with Eddie. I look at others and say to myself, I wish these people would appreciate what they have and cherish the moments together for no one knows what is around the corner.
You mentoned the word normal, normal for us who have lost a spouse is not the "same normal" we once had, now I guess we have to adjust to a different normal. Is it normal to feel so overwhelmed at times your heart just aches for our men? or some nights to try to fall alseep with a empty pillow next to us. The expression that times heals all....not true, some days are better than others, but it is always there. I really feel so bad, I just loss my other best friend 1 month ago, my wonderful mother. They say God only gives you what you can handle!!! Please, I can't handle anymore for now. Thank YOU for listening,
Mel

Permalink Reply by bc on October 29, 2010 at 10:36pm

HiCarmella, thanks for writing. I am sorry for your loss of your beloved Eddie. I lost my Brad very suddenly on August 5, 2009 and yes, I do have positive days, but it seems to come back and hit me every so often and then I have the famous "meltdown". We were also best friends, spent 24/7/365 together and I always ask WHY?? We were together 15 years and married for 10, we also were previously married but we found our best friend in each other. I have so many good memories and things that Brad taught me, like how to be strong and take care of things, but sometimes I don't want to do it. I want him here to help me. I know he is watching over me, many things have happened to me since he's been gone that I know was a blessing from him and for that I am thankful and because of that I am trying to be positive every day for him. Our feelings will never go away but it will get easier to handle. If you ever need to talk, call me at 414-852-3422, I live in Wisconsin which is Central time. I'd like to help you if I can. Hugs to you and I pray you enjoy your day tomorrow.
Carmella Gazzara said:

Barb; I'm new into this group and I feel all that you are feeling. You posted your message on Oct 21st, that is my Eddie's birthday. My Eddie passed away 01/23/10. I cry everyday. In the beginning, I had to pull on the side of the road when I was driving home from work because I cried so hard. Everyone at work said I am doing so good,,,well I'm not. I look at others and believe me I am not jealous of them, but I so long to have all the things I had with Eddie. I look at others and say to myself, I wish these people would appreciate what they have and cherish the moments together for no one knows what is around the corner.
You mentoned the word normal, normal for us who have lost a spouse is not the "same normal" we once had, now I guess we have to adjust to a different normal. Is it normal to feel so overwhelmed at times your heart just aches for our men? or some nights to try to fall alseep with a empty pillow next to us. The expression that times heals all....not true, some days are better than others, but it is always there. I really feel so bad, I just loss my other best friend 1 month ago, my wonderful mother. They say God only gives you what you can handle!!! Please, I can't handle anymore for now. Thank YOU for listening,
Mel

Permalink Reply by Charlene Ozawa on October 30, 2010 at 11:09pm

Hi Barb. I never new that there so many stages. Michael has been gone 4 months. Michael, the kids and I just went through last holiday season mourning my parents ( they both died last year). Now my kids and I have to go through this season with out Michael and my parents. I want this year to be over. But I said that last year and look what happened. My thoughts are with you.

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth Nonnemacher on November 1, 2010 at 12:22am

Kay Thank you for your msg I am hoping that one day I will feel That over me I am having a difficult time. Perhaps one day Thank you again, for your thoughts.

Kay Arcuni said:

Elizabeth you are not without him, he is there, he is just in a different place. My Joe left me 10 weeks ago today and I still wish I could go with him, we loved doing things together. But I can't because they are not ready for me yet. So what we need to do is remember what we had, and try to start a new chapter one where they just aren't physically with us, but their spirit and love will show us the way. I still have those days when I can't understand why he left me here to be alone without him he is my best friend, but I know he is OK and that he loves me more than the world and that if he could he would be here with me.
This whole process is long and pretty much stinks big time. I am sorry you have to be here with us, but I wish you peace knowing that he is with you watching out for you and loving you.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on November 1, 2010 at 9:46pm

I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO THIS SITE AND SAY THAT IT IS A GOOD PLACE TO COME AND BE ABLE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS OR I SHOULD SAY LOSSES. I KNOW IT HAS TO BE SO HARD LOOSING YOUR HUSBAND AND NOW YOUR MOTHER. I ALSO KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE ANYMORE. I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY. I LOST MY HUSBAND AND BEST FRIEND FEB. 26TH 2010. I HAVENT FELT LIKE THE SAME PERSON SINCE THAT HAPPENED. I FIND IT SO DIFFICULT JUST TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING. EVERYTHING IS SUCH A MAJOR EFFORT FOR ME AND I HAVE LOST INTEREST IN EVERYTHING. I WANT TO GET BETTER AND I JOINED A GRIEF GROUP BUT IT HASNT HELPED ME MUCH.BUT THAT IS JUST HOW IT HAS BEEN FOR ME.HOPEFULLY YOU WILL BE ABLE TO PROGRESS BETTER THAN I HAVE. I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.

Carmella Gazzara said:

Barb; I'm new into this group and I feel all that you are feeling. You posted your message on Oct 21st, that is my Eddie's birthday. My Eddie passed away 01/23/10. I cry everyday. In the beginning, I had to pull on the side of the road when I was driving home from work because I cried so hard. Everyone at work said I am doing so good,,,well I'm not. I look at others and believe me I am not jealous of them, but I so long to have all the things I had with Eddie. I look at others and say to myself, I wish these people would appreciate what they have and cherish the moments together for no one knows what is around the corner.
You mentoned the word normal, normal for us who have lost a spouse is not the "same normal" we once had, now I guess we have to adjust to a different normal. Is it normal to feel so overwhelmed at times your heart just aches for our men? or some nights to try to fall alseep with a empty pillow next to us. The expression that times heals all....not true, some days are better than others, but it is always there. I really feel so bad, I just loss my other best friend 1 month ago, my wonderful mother. They say God only gives you what you can handle!!! Please, I can't handle anymore for now. Thank YOU for listening,
Mel

Permalink Reply by Christy on November 11, 2010 at 9:23am

Linda, I just sd. a prayer over you. It is so hard. as you sd., we are now missing "the best thing that ever happened to us." Larry really was a special gift to me and my family. I had just left a 17 yr. marriage to a very abusive husband w/ my 2 teenage kids & never expected to meet someone like Larry.My daughter sd. they other night that she likes seeing photos of him when he was a boy because that proves that he was a real person, not an angel- She didn't believe people could be as good as he was! Always pleasant, encouraging, joyful, hard working, studious, never cursed, drank, smoked or did drugs & never raised his hand or voice against me- never! I love and miss him more each day. God help me. God bless all of us greiving our most precious loved ones-

Linda O'Connor said:

Barb, I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. It just isn't easy, no matter how long it's been. This week has been bad for me, as will the rest of the month. Kevin fell at home on a Sunday (2 yrs ago) & cut his head real bad; had to call the squad, as my neighbor & I could not support him to get him to the car. They then discovered he had pneunonia(sp). Sunday the 19th was the last day he spoke to me. By the next day he was in ICU on a ventilator. On 28th, they needed to take him off ventilator & put on a respirator. He had a living will & chances weren't good, so we (his sister & brothers deferred to me) decided to take him off ventilator. That happened at 2:30 PM & by 12:35 AM 10/29/08, he was gone (I was with him the whole time). So next week on 28th & 29th I'll be a mess again, but at least I'll be at work & busy during the day...then I'll come home & relive it all again.
You & others posted on this haven't been this far yet, but except for certain dates, I can say that I've done much better in the past few months. I think mostly from learning from all of you & becoming friends with so many on a personal level. I do now tend to remember the good times, vacations together, etc & smile; instead of when he became sick for 1 1/2 yrs & then hospital.
Not sure how many steps there are, but time does heal the heart's pain, but the heart still hurts & misses the best thing that ever happened to us. I think we will always have a missing hole in our heart that won't heal over. God Bless you my friend. Call me if you need to, I'm here for you.