I dont like who I am becoming....

Hello all....well last Friday was 9 months for me and it still doesnt seem real to me that my Frank is gone and not coming home. No one understands me and most everyone is annoyed and stay away from me. I think they all think I have gone over the edge. They all timed me when they all think I should be over it. Its like to all of them that Frank never existed and thats it. I will never let that happen. He was here, we have 3 kids that are here grieving and I am never going to act like thats it and move on. I still go to the cemetery almost everyday and I guess that is crazy to them. The worst part is I dont like the person I am turning into. I am getting very hard...I read the paper and look at the obituaries and if someone died at like 50 years old I say oh well they still lived longer than Frankie (he was 48). I am trying to go back to church but I feel nothing when I am there. I feel like I begged god not to take him and he didnt listen to me and now what am I going to pray for????? The worst thing is my dad is 69 and has been battling lung cancer for 4 years now. They removed one lung then it popped up in the other lung but with radiation and chemo they say its gone. Do you believe I actually cried when he told me he was cancer free???? Not out of happiness but I felt like he lived, he saw his kids grow up and marry and saw his grandchildren. Frank didnt get to see his kids grow up why did he have to die and my father be cured. I am ashamed to tell all of you that I feel that way. I know its wrong but I just miss Frank so much and he wanted to be here so much and stay with our kids that I dont understand whats fair anymore. My father has not lived a good life. He always cheated on my mother when I was a kid and has done some very not so nice things and he got a cure. Frank was always with me and the kids and never hurt a fly in his life but hes gone. I guess it is true that only the good die young. My little one is only 12 years old and misses her dad so much that it breaks my heart. My family went to the cemetery with me yesterday and my stupid mother made a comment that she doesnt want to go into the ground and let the bugs get her...well she said that in front of my kids and my 16 year old was beside herself hysterical crying about her dad. I confronted my mother why she would say something stupid like that and she said I was wrong letting my kids think their dad will be preserved because he is in a vault. Is this not pure evil????????? I feel like I want to take my kids and go somewhere where no one knows us. The people that do are heartless and uncaring. I was always a caring, loving person and im not anymore. I dont know who I am....what do I do now??? I feel like I am breaking at the seams. I asked my pastor for an appointment and I am sitting with him tomorrow morning to see if he can help me make heads or tails of my shattered life. I live like im a robot going through the motions but I feel nothing but pain and heartache inside. Am I ever going to be a normal happy person again??? I was looking into getting an appointment with John Edward just so I could communicate with Frankie and he could tell me hes Ok and what to do. Is this normal behavior? I have been told that mediums are really the devil telling you what you want to hear and not really your loved one. Oh god...I know nothing. I dont know what to do about anything. Am I really nuts????????????

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Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on March 20, 2011 at 10:22pm

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time of it Renee. It must be extra extra hard when your husband is so young and you have young children. YOU ARE NOT NUTS!! I wish I had the answers but I don't but that fact I do know and understand. Your mother was thoughtless to say such a thing, especially in front of you and the children, but it too is normal for people to say thoughtless things out of carelessness and ackwardness. I hope your pastor will be of some help in the morning. Have you spoken to your doctor too? Some do need some anxiety medication to help get through this trauma. I wish I had more answers for you. Know that I will be praying for you and hope the pain eases some. Hugs

Permalink Reply by Sharon Ankrum on March 20, 2011 at 10:35pm

No, you are not nuts, and I hope you can surround yourself with some who understand and care. this is probably the most difficuilt experience you will live thorugh in your life. Don't be hard on yourself. Take good care. Maybe antidepressants would level some of your pain out, so that you can grieve through the process, step by step.

Sharon

Kathy King said:

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time of it Renee. It must be extra extra hard when your husband is so young and you have young children. YOU ARE NOT NUTS!! I wish I had the answers but I don't but that fact I do know and understand. Your mother was thoughtless to say such a thing, especially in front of you and the children, but it too is normal for people to say thoughtless things out of carelessness and ackwardness. I hope your pastor will be of some help in the morning. Have you spoken to your doctor too? Some do need some anxiety medication to help get through this trauma. I wish I had more answers for you. Know that I will be praying for you and hope the pain eases some. Hugs

Permalink Reply by Floss on March 21, 2011 at 12:56am

Renee, you are not nuts, it is coming up to 9months, since I lost my soulmate, and 2 months since my mum passed away, and I can tell you, I just say ditto to your feelings. I just wanted to sleep forever, I cried all the time, and couldnt do a thing, with all the counseling, and the doctor trying to help, I felt dead inside of me. I was beginning to hate anyone, that said he is in a better place, etc etc. Blaming the doctors, for not making him better, and not letting me know, he wasnt going to make it. I had to eventually give into the doctor and accept, antidepressants after Mum passed. I didnt like the way I was getting, am on it now for 5 weeks, and am beginning to feel a better. I have not told certain people, as they are against drugs, but I have a bit of sanity now. I do things, when I feel like. I have just stopped crying, I still think of my loved ones everyday, but am not so nervous, or depressed as I was a few weeks ago. However, I still cannot look at recent photos of my husband, on my own, I will do it when there is someone with me. It is still painful.

The counselor is working on me looking at his photo, but I am not there yet, everyone is different, I can see that now, reading some of the comments on this site. It has helped me greatly reading everyones grief. I too have been to church a few times, and it also does nothing for me, inside of me. So I really dont know what I am looking for. It sux. Well the medication, doesnt make you sleepy or anything like that, As I drive, and I just feel ok, and not so down. I am very lonely, without my mate, I also live alone. Am not used to that. I feel so OK when I am with people, but its when I get home, it is a strange feeling. I am aiming to sell my home, and get something with a small yard, as the gardening is too much for me. I think I will feel a lot better, in another place. Too many memories of our years together, Please see your doctor, and see how you go. I am going to be weaned off the medication, as I get more and more normal, if that is the word. It is not addictive. My friend has come off her medication after 2 years, of losing her husband, and she says she is fine, and it has really helped her through her grief. I dont plan to stay on it that long, if I can help it. I dont care if it is artificial grief at the moment, I just hated myself those months, and thought my life was over, I am a lot more relaxed, and dont react, to peoples unnecessary comments, which are so stupid, its because they have not been there, yet. You are not nuts!!!!!!!

God bless, and I send my love, and thoughts to you.

Permalink Reply by Edler Sterling Broussard on March 21, 2011 at 8:09am

Renee I share the same feelings as you do and I'm treated the same way. I don't know what it is that makes friends and family stay away and expect us to get over our lost one overnight. Maybe it is because they did not love our lost one as we do. My wife died Aug. 13th, 2009 and I'm still having a hard time with her death. Her death wasn't unexpected but she did have a chance to have a better life with heart surgery but her underlying condition posed a major problem and she died 5 weeks after in ICU. She had a liver transplant in 2003, diabetes, kidney failure, coronary artery disease, and a bad mitrol valve in her heart. With all of these problems we had hope, she was 58 yrs old and I miss her terribly. Life is not fair! Hugs, Ed

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on March 21, 2011 at 8:28am

Renee, I agree with everybody, You are NOT NUTS! I have enough trouble with my own grief, I can't imagine having to help children at the same time. Every one has a different way of grieving, and there are no set rules of how to do it or how long it takes. Unfortunately, other people say things without thinking how it affects you and your children. I hope you and your children find the support needed to work through you grief. Hugs to you and your children. My thoughts are with you.

Permalink Reply by Mary Brotzman on March 21, 2011 at 8:54am

I know how all of you are feeling, I lost my husband Nov of 09 and all his family and friends have deserted me. I sit here every night alone no one calls or comes to see if I need anything. I am really starting a new life without him because I have too but I don't know how or what to do

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on March 21, 2011 at 10:28am

Renee you are not nuts. If you are then most of us on this web site are nuts also. It has now been 5 months since I lost the love of my life, Neal. For me also, it still does not seem real to me that Neal is gone. I also thought that I did not like the person I was becoming. If I saw another couple I would think it is not fair that they are together and I have lost Neal. It took me a while before I could go shopping because I would get upset seeing couples. My doctor changed my medication 3 times before this last one he has me on. It seems to work, but I have to force myself to appear ok. With the other medicine I could not even force myself, I just wanted to cover my head and sleep forever. I go the cemetary often, but I just can not get out of my car. I sit and think, it is just not real, it is just not right that my Neal is here. So do not think you are nuts. Hugs to you and all of us in this terrible "club".

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on March 21, 2011 at 11:29am

Dear Renee - it has been 21 months since my husband Byron Raymond Perkins died on 29 June 2009.....and I miss him just as much today as I did on 29 June 2009. I cry in the parking lots of the Post Office, the supermarket, the garage at work......and I've had people say, "You have to get over this now, you have to let go of him, you have to get on with your life". I knew him for 16 years before we got married (we were married for one year and nine months - he did not live until my birthday, even, poor thing).

I don't see the point of going anywhere, of going out - and I have buried myself in work (I am a Database Administrator - I work with Oracle and SQL Server databases as well as the Windows Operating System, and the "real" operating systems: AIX, HP-UX, Solaris, Linux - versions of UNIX (ha)). I try to bless the couples I see, but it is a pang to see them hold hands, go to restaurants, etc.

My sweetie was cremated, and his cremains scattered 12 miles from San Diego, at sea....he did not want a gravesite or a funeral service, and I honored his wishes... every night, I wish I could lay my head on his chest, smell his warm, manly, comforting smell and hear his beautiful, soft voice -my sister Yasmin would just call to hear his voice, to hear him speak! (he was a clinical psychologist, and very good at his job)

Renee - YOU grieve and cry as much as YOU need to - Other people were NOT married to your sweetie - YOU were, and it is YOUR loss!

Blessings, healing and peace - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by D'Andrea Prater on March 23, 2011 at 9:38am

I guess there is some reason for this, My husband was 47 and passed 1-23-2011

We had 27 years together and I'm so lost now.

I wish someone would just hold me and understand I need to cry out loud from my gut in pain.

I just need the support of safe arms around me, But they do stay away.

I feel as if I'm crazy because sometimes all I can do is pace from room to room.

Sometimes I go all day and then wonder what did I eat or don't even know if I did.

Baby, I'm so sorry for you and whis I could hold you, I do understand and my heart breaks for you.

You do what you can and I'll pray for you. I'll talk to God for us both trust me, He's got to feel this much pain. Holding you tight and I'll keep you in my prayers

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on March 23, 2011 at 4:34pm

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. Now I have a new situation. My husband worked on Wall Street and there is an organization called "Wall Street Cares" and they hold a Golf outing every year to honor a wall street worker that has passed away. Well they have chosen to honor my Frankie and on April 22nd they will hold the outing. It will be a whole weekend event with me being the "widow" poster girl. I am happy for this dont get me wrong and I really need the money it will bring for my kids but I have to get up and give a speech about Frank. How will I be able to do this and keep standing. I know I have to and I know he would do it for me in a heartbeat. My children and I met with the board the other night and when we got home my son flipped out yelling at me that he wanted his dad. Is this whole thing going to be too hard for me and the kids? I think this will really make it hit home that Frankie is gone and I am a widow and my kids have no dad. Do I turn this opportunity down? I dont know what to do. Thanks to all of you for listening. I know I sound like a big complainer. Here someone wants to do for me and my kids and honor Frankies life and still im not happy. Will anything ever make me happy?

Permalink Reply by Charlene Ozawa on March 23, 2011 at 6:25pm

Hi Renee,

My husband died June 19, 2010. I am sorry for your loss. I believe you shouldn't have to speak if it is too painfull. Find out if you can have a close friend of the family speak on behalf of you and your children. If it is too painful for your children they should be able to stay home. As for your self, you should not be a widow poster girl. It is an honour to your husband but still very painful for you. You need to protect yourself. I have turned down invitations even to parties/events from my husbands (Michael) company. I am grateful they include me but being around them remind me Michael is not here. A large donation is being made in my hubands memory to the kids highschool. We set up a scholorship fund with the donations collected after his death. They asked me to speak and present the scholorships to the kids. I declined. I know I would fall apart and I would not want to put myself or the other parents/childred through that. They will do the presentation in my behalf. I am devastated by the lose of Michael. We were together 32 years and married 27. (I was 54 when he died and he was 61) We have 4 grown children, the youngest to graduate university this June. It's hard enough to go forward and deal with everyday life. Don't put your self in a position that will cause you and your kids more pain. You are not a complainer, you are grieving. Hope this helps. Hugs....

Renee Semo said:

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. Now I have a new situation. My husband worked on Wall Street and there is an organization called "Wall Street Cares" and they hold a Golf outing every year to honor a wall street worker that has passed away. Well they have chosen to honor my Frankie and on April 22nd they will hold the outing. It will be a whole weekend event with me being the "widow" poster girl. I am happy for this dont get me wrong and I really need the money it will bring for my kids but I have to get up and give a speech about Frank. How will I be able to do this and keep standing. I know I have to and I know he would do it for me in a heartbeat. My children and I met with the board the other night and when we got home my son flipped out yelling at me that he wanted his dad. Is this whole thing going to be too hard for me and the kids? I think this will really make it hit home that Frankie is gone and I am a widow and my kids have no dad. Do I turn this opportunity down? I dont know what to do. Thanks to all of you for listening. I know I sound like a big complainer. Here someone wants to do for me and my kids and honor Frankies life and still im not happy. Will anything ever make me happy?

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on March 23, 2011 at 6:48pm

Renee - I have attended two "Light Up A Life" ceremonies held by the hospice that cared for Byron before his death - what they do is have you send in a special picture of your sweetie (or you and your sweetie), and a little write-up, and then one of the hospice people reads what you've written while the picture of your beloved is shown.

You may want to consider doing something similar.

I will also tell you that when they get to 'Byron Raymond Perkins' - I have lost it, and I have cried at the venue - and all the hospice people tell me that it is PERFECTLY OKAY, and they sit next to me, and comfort me.

It can be ANYTHING - how much you miss him, how much your kids miss him, what a great husband and father he was, something special or funny - the last write-up (and everyone told me how much they liked what I'd said), I started with "Dear Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluetus Maximus (this site won't let me use bu*) - I miss you so much, and I love you as much as ever...."

If you decide to participate - do it on YOUR TERMS - don't let ANYONE make you do or not do something!

Peace, wisdom, healing and grace to you - Yaca Attwood Perkins