Hello all....well last Friday was 9 months for me and it still doesnt seem real to me that my Frank is gone and not coming home.  No one understands me and most everyone is annoyed and stay away from me.  I think they all think I have gone over the edge.  They all timed me when they all think I should be over it.  Its like to all of them that Frank never existed and thats it.  I will never let that happen.  He was here, we have 3 kids that are here grieving and I am never going to act like thats it and move on.  I still go to the cemetery almost everyday and I guess that is crazy to them.  The worst part is I dont like the person I am turning into.  I am getting very hard...I read the paper and look at the obituaries and if someone died at like 50 years old I say oh well they still lived longer than Frankie (he was 48).  I am trying to go back to church but I feel nothing when I am there.  I feel like I begged god not to take him and he didnt listen to me and now what am I going to pray for?????  The worst thing is my dad is 69 and has been battling lung cancer for 4 years now.  They removed one lung then it popped up in the other lung but with radiation and chemo they say its gone.  Do you believe I actually cried when he told me he was cancer free???? Not out of happiness but I felt like he lived, he saw his kids grow up and marry and saw his grandchildren.  Frank didnt get to see his kids grow up why did he have to die and my father be cured.  I am ashamed to tell all of you that I feel that way.  I know its wrong but I just miss Frank so much and he wanted to be here so much and stay with our kids that I dont understand whats fair anymore.  My father has not lived a good life.  He always cheated on my mother when I was a kid and has done some very not so nice things and he got a cure.  Frank was always with me and the kids and never hurt a fly in his life but hes gone.  I guess it is true that only the good die young.  My little one is only 12 years old and misses her dad so much that it breaks my heart. My family went to the cemetery with me yesterday and my stupid mother made a comment that she doesnt want to go into the ground and let the bugs get her...well she said that in front of my kids and my 16 year old was beside herself hysterical crying about her dad.  I confronted my mother why she would say something stupid like that and she said I was wrong letting my kids think their dad will be preserved because he is in a vault.  Is this not pure evil?????????  I feel like I want to take my kids and go somewhere where no one knows us.  The people that do are heartless and uncaring.  I was always a caring, loving person and im not anymore.  I dont know who I am....what do I do now??? I feel like I am breaking at the seams.  I asked my pastor for an appointment and I am sitting with him tomorrow morning to see if he can help me make heads or tails of my shattered life.  I live like im a robot going through the motions but I feel nothing but pain and heartache inside.  Am I ever going to be a normal happy person again??? I was looking into getting an appointment with John Edward just so I could communicate with Frankie and he could tell me hes Ok and what to do.  Is this normal behavior?  I have been told that mediums are really the devil telling you what you want to hear and not really your loved one.  Oh god...I know nothing.  I dont know what to do about anything.  Am I really nuts????????????