Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by CaliforniaDreamer on May 15, 2012 at 1:26am

Carinda, I'm so sorry you had to join our group. This club no one ever wants to join.

I truly feel the first month or two we're basically just numb and then the reality starts to seep through the fog and our grief gets deeper. Most of us describe it is like a Roller Coaster ride where you go up a hill and start to feel better, just to come roaring down the other side and sometimes back into a black hole. Just to start all over again. I'll let others who have been on the ride longer explain their views, as it's just over 6 months for me.

Permalink Reply by Bethany King on May 15, 2012 at 4:00am

I know what you mean, its been 7 weeks this friday since my husband passed and im struggling financially and just when i go for an interview thinking im stronger and i can cope i just break down. i never thought myself an overly emotional person and up untill my husband passed i could cope with anything even family passing in the last few years but when it comes to my beautiful husband i just cant controll it. ive gone from numb to sad angry and back again. i will never understand why my husband took his life i know this but the whys and what ifs still go through my head every minute of every day. my grief is definitly getting deeper as bruce described, its just some parts of the day i dont realise it untill i stop keeping busy and then it hits me again and again

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on May 15, 2012 at 7:59am

Carinda, I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing your spouse is very different from any other loss, except for a child.  When you loose a friend or a member of your family that you don't live with, it's difficult.  I don't want to diminish the feelings we have, but even though they are missed or leave a hole in our life, our daily life is still the same.  When you loose your spouse, life as you know it falls apart.  You have had part of your soul ripped out.  Everything has changed. Crying is good.  Salt heals wounds, tears will help heal the wound in your soul.  Tears and hugs were the best thing for me.  Dave died on 12/2/2010.  I am in my second year, and the rollercoaster ride has smoothed out quite a bit.  I did discover that anticipation of special days that first year was much worse than the actual day. 

For my husband's first birthday, in February, I cooked his favorite meal, had his favorite drink before dinner and toasted him.  I also cried a lot. 

I have a book of daily readings ... Healing after Loss, and I read it daily for the first year.  This second year, I read it daily for several months, and now I read it occasionally.  In the beginning, everything made me cry. This year, I don't cry as often or as long.  I love to tell people my Dave stories. 

This site is the best place in the world.  I live in a rural area, and grieving groups close by were difficult to attend.  Here, I could come daily, whenever I wanted.  I could read and write what i was feeling, and everybody here understood what I was saying.  I realized I was not crazy. Nobody told me to get over it, to move on with my life.  People who have not experienced this kind of loss do not understand it.  I am happy for them that they don't understand, because I would not wish this pain on anybody.  They feel uncomfortable, and say things that don't help.  Here, there is much kindness and caring. 

Hugs to you as you walk this lonely path with the rest of us.   Hugs to you!  Maggie

Permalink Reply by Carinda Mickelsen on May 16, 2012 at 12:51am

Thank you all so much. It's so comforting to know everything I'm feeling is "normal". Roller coaster is the perfect description - several times a day. I'm grateful to have found this site and group and hope that I'll be able to help others someday soon.

I will pray for peace and healing for all of us and I'm sending you all hugs. Carinda

Permalink Reply by janeo on May 17, 2012 at 9:03am

Carinda, I took the day off the first of everything that first year so It's good. Do what makes you feel better. O even went by myself out for dinner on my anniversary it was hard I'm not going to lie but it was hard we always went out and I didn't want to change that. So I'll say extra prayers for you. Cyber hug for you .

Permalink Reply by janeo on May 17, 2012 at 9:05am

Carinda, I took the day off the first of everything that first year so It's good. Do what makes you feel better. O even went by myself out for dinner on my anniversary it was hard I'm not going to lie but it was hard we always went out and I didn't want to change that. So I'll say extra prayers for you. Cyber hug for you .

Permalink Reply by Carinda Mickelsen on May 20, 2012 at 8:07pm

Thanks Jane - I am going to take Friday off and decided to take my son out for a fun day! We're headed to Sea World for the day, sun and sea breeze.

Wishing everyone a healing and peaceful week. Carinda

Permalink Reply by janice shannon on May 30, 2012 at 10:39am

Dear Carlinda, I am sorry for your loss, I too lost my husband of 32 years just 4 weeks ago.  I am going to tell you what I would do, your wedding anniversary is still going to be a very special day for you and I would think it would be a fitting memorial to think back  on all the memories from all the good years together.  I have to commend you for being able to continue working.  That has to be good for you.  I read that grief causes the physical pain to divert you from the emotional pain. This is a very good place to work though your grief, I think that it has really helped me.  Grief is kind of like a splinter it will fester its way out.  Son's are just great aren't they?   My prayers will be with you.

Permalink Reply by Carinda Mickelsen on June 2, 2012 at 12:18pm

Well, I survived my anniversary. Kevin and I spent the afternoon at SeaWorld in San Diego. We talked about how much his dad loved coming to San Diego and when we got to our hotel that evening, I knew Joe was there with us as soon as I walked onto the balcony overlooking the bay. This was his favorite part of any trip to SD - being able to sit on the hotel balcony and watch the boats, ships and jets landing on the naval base. Our eldest son was stationed out of San Diego until recently, and Joe was a Navy veteran, so our life together totally revolved around the military. Anyway, we met up with my daughter-in-law, who just finished her service in the Navy and was moving up to be with my son, and spent the rest of the weekend packing her up. It was just enough to keep me from being depressed, until Kevin and I got home from the trip. Now my daughter-in-law is with my son in Washington state, so Kevin and I are adjusting again.

Again, thank God for work. Kevin graduates from high school the coming Wednesday and I'm a bit concerned that he'll have too much time on his hands, but he's got a summer job lined up and hopefully at least one college class for the summer. Changes - I guess the first year is full of them, so we'd better get used to it. My new ringtone on my phone is Stronger, by Kelly Clarkson. I think that will be my motto from now on - "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Love and peace to all - Carinda

Permalink Reply by Carinda Mickelsen on June 10, 2012 at 9:12pm

Kris,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I read every post I can on this site because on any day, someone posts exactly what and how I'm feeling. I've realized that my feelings are OK and there's a peace in knowing that there are others feeling this way too. Unfortunately for all of us.

I started reading a book by James Van Praagh last week, "Talking To Heaven". It's brought me some peace in that I do believe that Joe lives in spirit and is with me and the boys. It's the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that really hits me sometimes that is the worst. I figure maybe that will get better someday down the road...I hope. Til then, I keep my tissues handy.

Praying for a better week for us all.

Love and peace to all - Carinda