On another site, a question was posted about the one thing you did every day without fail and many replied what they missed the most about the one constant thing they remembered.   I just wanted to share that since yesterday, the 22nd, it was 14 months since he passed away, and I miss every minute detail of every waking moment during each and every day and night of the 39 years that we were together.  If I had to get his medicine at the pharmacy and he wasn't well enough to go, we each hoped our better half was doing ok, and this is before he was bedridden. I miss him when I awaken and he's not there to say, 'she stretches like a cat' in his humorous way.  I miss him sitting at his place on the couch, I miss sitting outside with him, I miss going to the store with him and also without him, I miss coming back and he's not outside with a big smile on his face to help me with the grocery bags, I miss him walking to church with me and standing beside me at church and now I can't sing the hymns because I choke up because he's not there, I miss standing at the sink washing a dish and he comes into the kitchen and I jump being startled and then he jumps because I jumped and we both ended up laughing, but now I end up weeping at all these thoughts that pop into my head.  I miss the back massages I gave him and the foot massages he gave me, I miss him making me coffee, I miss making us both dinner when the aroma of the blended foods drifted out of the window on a warm spring evening. (I keep the windows closed and the shades drawn now.)  I miss talking with him all night long about every subject you could possibly imagine when he used to be able to lay down in our bed. I even miss going to his doctors for follow-ups and exams and gastroscopies so that he could eat again, I miss trying to help him when he was choking, I miss giving him his medicine, I miss going to sleep in our bed with him, and I miss laying down on the bed knowing he was laying on the couch and later on, laying on his hospital bed.  I miss his sisters coming in to keep him company when the end was near.  Even after 3 years of doctors, I never knew he would be gone for good, even after Hospice became part of our lives.  There is not one thing I miss the most.  I miss every waking moment of every day without him.  I hate it. 
God bless,

Suzanne

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Oh Suzanne, I am so sorry.  I totally get it though.  It didn't matter what it was, the plain truth is we would do anything, absolutely anything on this earth to be able to do those things again.  Even when you knew absolutely I know I didn't believe it.  I convinced myself it would get better, thought we could do it.  Wasn't meant to be.  Every day I think of the mornings, the kiss goodbye before work, maybe the cute 'I love you' email from work.  The "Hi Darling" when I got home.  The "the car is all ready to go hon", as I went to work in the snow. Him coming thru the carport door, hearing the sound of his footsteps, seeing him at the kitchen table with the latop, asking me for a cup of tea.  Sitting on the deck listening to his favorite music.   39 years for me too Suzanne! As I told my counsellor "I have lost half of my essence" and now what?  If it weren't that our daughter is expecting a baby, I would be asking myself why am I here....I told my husband and I quote "you are leaving me here alone for 20 years".  "How is that fair, how"?  I just have to believe that he is with me, loving me and taking care of me and I know he is.  Still what would one give for their smile, their voice, their hugs and their kiss.  My comfort comes from knowing he is waiting for me and that in heaven there is no time and years go by in seconds so that he is not alone for very long.

 

Please try and find some comfort Suzanne, if you can.  God Bless.

Carol

Oh Suzanne, Bless you, I just wish we could post some of our feelings so all our families and friends can see how we all feel. My heart goes out to all of us on this site.  It is coming up 9 months for me soon, and it is a battle for me each day.  I actually, am going through what you are as well. I just say Ditto, to all you say. I hate it when someone says you are doing well, how will they ever know.

I miss him forever, and will never take off my wedding ring, I am still married.  I just feel he is gone away for awhile. Even though I am told not to think that way, just makes it easy for me at the moment.  I am angry at the doctors, why didnt they tell me, he wasnt going to make it.  I never had the chance to say good bye.  They must have known.  Tonight is thurday, and he passed away, at 9.30pm.  Oh how I hate Thursdays, (crying)  I cant get that out of my brain.  I dont want to remember thursdays, it is just so painful. I get this pain in my heart, and just want to scream. The doctors need to read this site and see how one suffers, and maybe they will have more feelings, for their patients. Instead of saying, 17 years after transplants is a long time.  Thats not what I wanted to hear. God bless and a big E. Hug

Dear Suzanne,

I'm so sorry your hurting. Who here doesn't miss all the little things that made up our days, years & lives with the ones we love~ people just don't know until they experience it for themselves. I cry all the time, no particular reason, just I miss him & want him back. He made happy times happier & rough times easier. God help us all.
Oh Suzanne, I had 40 years with Neal and I feel the exact same way as you and the others. I can't think of just one thing I miss the most, I miss everything. I also pretend that he is outside or gone to the store. The counselor I was going to told me it was dangerous to do that because I could get to where I did not know I was pretending. But I do it sometimes anyway because it seems to be the only way I can cope. Saying I miss Neal doesn't seem to express the intensitiy of missing him, but I don't know another word besides miss. I also wish the people who say you seem to be doing better could read all of these comments. With half of me gone, a hole in my heart that will never heal, and all the tears shed each and everyday, there is no way to get "better".  Hugs

Dear Suzanne - your sweetie sounds like a real prince; I am so, so, sorry about his death, and about the life that you no longer have with him, as well as the future things you would have probably done together - trips, dates, walks, etc.

Not only do I miss those kinds of things regarding Byron....I actually miss the things I used to HATE - assembling and disasembling his mobility scooter (oh, I got really GOOD at it) to get it in the car, having to bathe him, clean and change him (he could no longer walk or stand, and was fairly incontinent towards the end), massaging his aching legs and feet at 2 AM, picking him up when he'd fall (towards the end, I just didn't have the strength to do it anymore - I called 911 a couple of times, because I simply couldn't get him off the floor, and because he was non-responsive). Taking him to his psychology office after I came home from work in the early afternoon, because he INSISTED upon seeing clients until about a week before he died - and even then, I had to put my foot down and MAKE him stop! And, since he didn't hire another secretary - guess who got to do that?

The things I wanted to be relieved of - I actually miss; I regret the things I said to him out of weariness, frustration, anger and pain....I forgive the things he said to me (when the liver goes, the toxins quickly build up in the body, and drastically affect the brain - not only did he have liver disease, but he had the anemia, jaundice, ascites and hepatic encephalopathy that accompany it) - because I know that he loved and still loves me, and that he was in excruciating pain and suffering.

I just would like to hear his beautiful, soft, soothing voice, again (my sister Yasmin would call just to HEAR him speak), listen to his heart beating with my head on his chest - but, I cannot, as all of us cannot be with our beloveds now.

 

Comfort, peace and healing be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

I agree with all of you there are so many things that I miss that i took for granted everyday. Yaca, i can really relate to what you said about missing the things that you got tired of doing everyday because he couldn't. I would give anything to be able to do those things again. I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that I used to get aggravated with him sometimes, but like you said you just get tired even though you don't want to. I feel so guilty about it. I know that we all miss our soul mates now, but we will get to be with them again someday. May God bless each of you.

Hi All,

 

I miss everything too! To much to list, to much to think about without sobbing....

 

Hugs,

Charlene

 I miss all these same things and that  I have no one that I can tell anything on my mind  to. Up until the day the doctor told us to call hospice I did believe thbat the treatments would help and we would beat the disease.Even when the hospice stated, I tried some alternative methods, but when she stoped wanting to eat and got weaker as the days went on I realized she didnt have much time left. She told me to cancel the health aid that sat with her 4 hours a day a week before she passed . I guess she new the end was near, so the last week I was at her side 24 hours a day. I miss it all.

Yaca, You had a real hard time, and I know how you miss all that, as I do too.  I cant believe how I miss all the things that stressed me out with my husbands illness,  I used to pray for him to get better, but it wasnt to be.  I just see him struggling to breathe, all the time.  I just cry when I read of all of my friends pain on this site.

 Sometimes I just find myself crying for no reason. I miss him so much. God only knows. I wish you well, and hugs to you too.

Yaca Attwood said:

Dear Suzanne - your sweetie sounds like a real prince; I am so, so, sorry about his death, and about the life that you no longer have with him, as well as the future things you would have probably done together - trips, dates, walks, etc.

Not only do I miss those kinds of things regarding Byron....I actually miss the things I used to HATE - assembling and disasembling his mobility scooter (oh, I got really GOOD at it) to get it in the car, having to bathe him, clean and change him (he could no longer walk or stand, and was fairly incontinent towards the end), massaging his aching legs and feet at 2 AM, picking him up when he'd fall (towards the end, I just didn't have the strength to do it anymore - I called 911 a couple of times, because I simply couldn't get him off the floor, and because he was non-responsive). Taking him to his psychology office after I came home from work in the early afternoon, because he INSISTED upon seeing clients until about a week before he died - and even then, I had to put my foot down and MAKE him stop! And, since he didn't hire another secretary - guess who got to do that?

The things I wanted to be relieved of - I actually miss; I regret the things I said to him out of weariness, frustration, anger and pain....I forgive the things he said to me (when the liver goes, the toxins quickly build up in the body, and drastically affect the brain - not only did he have liver disease, but he had the anemia, jaundice, ascites and hepatic encephalopathy that accompany it) - because I know that he loved and still loves me, and that he was in excruciating pain and suffering.

I just would like to hear his beautiful, soft, soothing voice, again (my sister Yasmin would call just to HEAR him speak), listen to his heart beating with my head on his chest - but, I cannot, as all of us cannot be with our beloveds now.

 

Comfort, peace and healing be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

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