Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Rita Murphy on November 15, 2010 at 10:16pm

Gosh you guys...this evening I'm just NOW going through my Mom/Dad's stuff....pitching things. Dad died in 1995...Mom in 2003. I was the administrator of of their will. That was quite difficult in spite of my parents trying to make it easy....another story. Just today I got a spurt of energy. I never dealt with it at the time. I an overwhelmed with how much stuff is over here.

Anyways...you guys are giving me comfort.....and inspiration... I shed a few tears today....I think we all do.

Permalink Reply by Christy on November 16, 2010 at 7:09am

Hi Rita,
I'm fairly new here too & wonder how to find someones page/ info.- I guess we'll figure it out.
It makes me feel good to hear you are gaining confidence! I am sure you are very capable. I know it's not easy when you don't have the close support of family but sometimes one good friend is enough and you have alot of friends here.
I have alot of things that need to be taken care of around the house & with the cars that I normally wouldn't deal with also, like replacing the sealant around the doors/ windows as the cool weather arrives and putting antifreeze in the radiators and so forth. It can be overwhelming in addition to everything else you normally deal with.
I now realize that I need to be getting my own things in order; I am the pack rat. I am so thankful for Larry- he had everything in its place. He was so reponsible/ dependable; I am trying to learn from his example.
My heartfelt prayers to you as you continue to miss your husband. I know it's hard to be reminded of him when you just want him there. I worked with my husband for almost 8 yrs., so driving to work & being there is just as difficult as being at home & maybe more. We were so close, we did everything together- work, school, part time jobs in addition to normal husband & wife life. It just doesn't seem real that he is gone. Our life together was a gift and I just have to be thankful for it, learn from it and try to move forward. God help us to help ourselves & each other. HUGS :-)


Rita Murphy said:

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for welcoming me to the group. I did write up some detail of how hard it has been. I don't know where it shows up though. I'm trying to navigate the site. Even so, it's hard for every single one of us and and at one time or another we all have the same thoughts and feelings and at times with different intensity.

It's over 13 months now and I've wrestled with a lot of things during that time. Right now it's getting ready for winter. Figuring out yard cleanup and wondering if the gutters are ok. I have had to hire things done this past year and so far I've had good people. My husband took care of everything. On the few occasions we had to hire things done it didn't work out so well...so I'm pleased with my accomplishments this past year. It gives me confidence. I am still working on getting the house cleared out. My husband was a pack rat and I can hardly bare to part with anything. Then I get frustrated because nothing gets done. In my defense I have made some progress, but there is so much to do. It is rare when I feel like doing anything. I then mentally punish myself for being lazy.

The holidays are coming up...the worst time for all of us. I have two sons. One in Calif. They are unmarried. I have no grandchildren. I have a big extended family but we are not that social.

I also realize life is short and I need to carve out a life for myself while I can. It has taken me awhile to quit thinking about death and illness. Those thoughts are slowly receding.

I make plans and then want to cancel or I do cancel. I can't predict my mood...nor do I have any excitement about doing anything. Sometimes it's just easier to do nothing...and then that doesn't feel very good either. It's a strange situation to be in.

I think of each and every one of you I remember my Mom clearly saying she wasn't the only one to be a widow and was a fine example for me. My Mom and Dad had a wonderful life together. She said she had no regrets. They were married 60 years...my husband and I made it 40.

It is also hard being in our home...everything reminds me of him. Sometimes I have bad dreams of when he was ill. I replay the bad times in my mind. I tell myself to quit looking at pictures and video's...why make everything raw again? I can't change anything.

Thank you guys for being there.....

Permalink Reply by Rita Murphy on November 16, 2010 at 3:17pm

Christy said:

Hi Rita,
I'm fairly new here too & wonder how to find someones page/ info.- I guess we'll figure it out.
It makes me feel good to hear you are gaining confidence! I am sure you are very capable. I know it's not easy when you don't have the close support of family but sometimes one good friend is enough and you have alot of friends here.
I have alot of things that need to be taken care of around the house & with the cars that I normally wouldn't deal with also, like replacing the sealant around the doors/ windows as the cool weather arrives and putting antifreeze in the radiators and so forth. It can be overwhelming in addition to everything else you normally deal with.
I now realize that I need to be getting my own things in order; I am the pack rat. I am so thankful for Larry- he had everything in its place. He was so reponsible/ dependable; I am trying to learn from his example.
My heartfelt prayers to you as you continue to miss your husband. I know it's hard to be reminded of him when you just want him there. I worked with my husband for almost 8 yrs., so driving to work & being there is just as difficult as being at home & maybe more. We were so close, we did everything together- work, school, part time jobs in addition to normal husband & wife life. It just doesn't seem real that he is gone. Our life together was a gift and I just have to be thankful for it, learn from it and try to move forward. God help us to help ourselves & each other. HUGS :-)


Rita Murphy said:

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for welcoming me to the group. I did write up some detail of how hard it has been. I don't know where it shows up though. I'm trying to navigate the site. Even so, it's hard for every single one of us and and at one time or another we all have the same thoughts and feelings and at times with different intensity.

It's over 13 months now and I've wrestled with a lot of things during that time. Right now it's getting ready for winter. Figuring out yard cleanup and wondering if the gutters are ok. I have had to hire things done this past year and so far I've had good people. My husband took care of everything. On the few occasions we had to hire things done it didn't work out so well...so I'm pleased with my accomplishments this past year. It gives me confidence. I am still working on getting the house cleared out. My husband was a pack rat and I can hardly bare to part with anything. Then I get frustrated because nothing gets done. In my defense I have made some progress, but there is so much to do. It is rare when I feel like doing anything. I then mentally punish myself for being lazy.

The holidays are coming up...the worst time for all of us. I have two sons. One in Calif. They are unmarried. I have no grandchildren. I have a big extended family but we are not that social.

I also realize life is short and I need to carve out a life for myself while I can. It has taken me awhile to quit thinking about death and illness. Those thoughts are slowly receding.

I make plans and then want to cancel or I do cancel. I can't predict my mood...nor do I have any excitement about doing anything. Sometimes it's just easier to do nothing...and then that doesn't feel very good either. It's a strange situation to be in.

I think of each and every one of you I remember my Mom clearly saying she wasn't the only one to be a widow and was a fine example for me. My Mom and Dad had a wonderful life together. She said she had no regrets. They were married 60 years...my husband and I made it 40.

It is also hard being in our home...everything reminds me of him. Sometimes I have bad dreams of when he was ill. I replay the bad times in my mind. I tell myself to quit looking at pictures and video's...why make everything raw again? I can't change anything.

Thank you guys for being there.....

Permalink Reply by Rita Murphy on November 16, 2010 at 3:30pm

I keep thinking I'll get up and have a normal day. It helps to be busy but sometimes I don't have the energy. I'm trying to get into the habit of making lists. That seems to work. I go back and look at my list and see that I did do some of those things. I also think about what our spouses would want....they would want us to try and live a good life in spite of our grief. When my husband was ill I didn't dare cry in front of him. He said he wasn't going to go around crying like I did. Well, I kept a tight wrap on my emotions. I did cry, but not in front of him. He probably suspected I cried a lot.
I did attend some grief support groups...but it wasn't enough. I also learned not to make any major decisions for at least a year. I haven't made any major blunders so far. Mostly I have been trying to get things in order around the house. Those things stress me out, but I'm making progress.
I have a lot of equipment my husband had and I won't be using them. I still haven't figured out exactly what to do with this stuff. My husband was always Mr. Fix It. Not me. I also realize I can't wait indefinitely to make a decision. Equipment that sits and is not used does not function well.
When my husband died they told me to put my seat belt on...I was going to have a roller coaster ride. so true. I think about you guys and pray for all of us.

Permalink Reply by Sharon on November 16, 2010 at 6:28pm

Rita:
So sorry you have to be here with the rest of us, but you are correct in stating that reading some of the posts is like reading about your own situation. That is what is so good about this site, it does let you know you are not alone in what you are going through. While you will handle it differently than others there are similarities. Only someone who has lost their spouse can even begin to understand. I too found this site later than I would have preferred. While I don't typically post much I do read posts and relate to them. Keep sharing your feelings here it can help. God Bless, Sharon

Permalink Reply by Audrey on November 16, 2010 at 7:02pm

Rita,
Sorry for your loss and welcome to the group. Not quite 3 months since I lost my husband and am also sure that I also lost my mind. You mentioned equipment you need to find a place for. I also went thru that stage of wanting everything to do with his illness out of the house. My town has a free clinic that was thrilled to have me take all of his stuff except open meds. We had been doing dialysis here at the house so had IV poles, tons of bandage and tape stuff. Insulin and syringes. Therapy and exercise stuff. Even the special boots he wore in the hospital. The dialysis stuff that wasn't opened went back to the delivery company but they wouldn't take any open cases.
Then a friend told me about the veterans home here and that they sometimes get people in to live there that don't bring much for clothing. I was able to take all of his better dress shirts, pants, slippers, robes, shoes and coats. They were extremely thankful. I was so used to always taking things to Goodwill that I didn't know about the Vets home needing those types of items.
Now that didn't happen all at once... mostly baby steps...a few things at a time. I'd make lists of what I needed to do, got them all washed and boxed and then delivered as I could face the chores. And yes then cry all the way home. Still haven't cleaned out the dresser or even started on his books. Baby steps as I work up the guts.
I also made an appointment to speak with a shrink later this week. I think I am probably ok so far. Thanks in part to checking in with this site but I want some professional help with my 21 year old son and making sure he is ok mentally to.

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