Well, It's been 11 months and I'm still reading posts, reply once in a while and still cry at the smallest or biggest things since the loss of my husband. You have all been very supportive and attentive in your advice and replies and words of comfort to my rants. I'm not going anywhere but in some ways I feel I am still the same, with the same thoughts and feelings and emotions. In other ways I think I have accepted everything, but I still don't want to. It's like an adult having a temper tantrum. In a way, part of me still feels in shock and numb with denial and the ongoing emotional roller coaster hasn't stopped. With every single time I am folding towels and socks to put them in place, like today, I burst into tears because he used to come in to the room where I dumped all the clothes on the bed to sort out and sometimes I lay on the clothes and he'd say, "I caught ya, sleeping on the job." LoL I also unexpectedly burst into tears last week when I thought what was an unusal package from the funeral home that came in the mail was a Christmas ornament that said, "Don't worry about me, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year" because it seemed to be him, talking to me personally even though every one who had someone pass from that funeral home received one. I, like I think all of you am feeling really down, I think I don't want to ever feel good again. That's just me. Everyone is different. I just thought I'd check in to let you know I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers every day. If it wasn't Christmas, it would be another day, or another reason, or another thought about Danny that brings me down. I just can't seem to believe I can change my thoughts that I don't want to die but I don't want to live without him either. I'll be with family for sometime during the Christmas season, and I hope and pray each and every one of you have someone to be with every day for the rest of our lives.