It's been 11 months.

Well, It's been 11 months and I'm still reading posts, reply once in a while and still cry at the smallest or biggest things since the loss of my husband. You have all been very supportive and attentive in your advice and replies and words of comfort to my rants. I'm not going anywhere but in some ways I feel I am still the same, with the same thoughts and feelings and emotions. In other ways I think I have accepted everything, but I still don't want to. It's like an adult having a temper tantrum. In a way, part of me still feels in shock and numb with denial and the ongoing emotional roller coaster hasn't stopped. With every single time I am folding towels and socks to put them in place, like today, I burst into tears because he used to come in to the room where I dumped all the clothes on the bed to sort out and sometimes I lay on the clothes and he'd say, "I caught ya, sleeping on the job." LoL I also unexpectedly burst into tears last week when I thought what was an unusal package from the funeral home that came in the mail was a Christmas ornament that said, "Don't worry about me, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year" because it seemed to be him, talking to me personally even though every one who had someone pass from that funeral home received one. I, like I think all of you am feeling really down, I think I don't want to ever feel good again. That's just me. Everyone is different. I just thought I'd check in to let you know I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers every day. If it wasn't Christmas, it would be another day, or another reason, or another thought about Danny that brings me down. I just can't seem to believe I can change my thoughts that I don't want to die but I don't want to live without him either. I'll be with family for sometime during the Christmas season, and I hope and pray each and every one of you have someone to be with every day for the rest of our lives.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on December 22, 2010 at 10:48pm

I can relate to so much of what you said. It will be 10 months on Saturday and in some ways it feels like yesterday and then other times it feels like a bad dream. Luckily I have my family with me and they are trying so hard to help us all get through this time. Bless you Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Mary on December 23, 2010 at 7:26am

I also can relate. I am right in between you and Kathy at 10 1/2 months. I was thinking this week, will I ever not be "SAD" anymore. Doesn't feel like it. I certainly do not like this new "normal", that my life has become. Well, at least 3 more days and Christmas will be over and I have wanted that to be so for a long time. Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on December 23, 2010 at 10:14am

suzanne: you will be ok for the holiday spend the time with family then you can go home and cry all you want. try to happy for the kids i know i have to but i know when i go home it is my time and my time only i will talk to george and tell him what the kids got for christmas how my daughter in law in feeling she is expecting in may. i will tell him about her going to the doctors 12/26/10 to find out the sex of the baby i will tell him how amanda my grandaughter liked the tv again this is going to be hard but it is something i must do keep a happy face on in front of everyone and be myself after you take care of yourself new years day will be 22 months that george left me but good memories will always be there for me and for you god bless and take care keep in touch please if you need anything please let me know merry christmas

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on December 23, 2010 at 9:24pm

dear suzanne, i am right their with kathy it will be 10 months for me on the 26th, which is sunday. i hate this new life and feel like i am only existing because i no longer know how to live. when i look back on these past 10 months i have no doubt in my mind that God is the only thing that has carried me through. i still pray every day for him to give me the strength to make it through another day. i have dreaded the holiday season , but it is here and will be glad when it is january. i still have people telling me that with time it will get better but that is just very difficult for me to believe. hope you have a good holiday with your family. hope that everyone on this site gets through the holidays ok. i will keep everyone in my prayers.

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