I just wanted to mark today by remembering the 22nd of each month because my husband passed away on 1/22/10.  I can perfectly understand how others feel since millions and everyone here are all going through this personal pain.  At my bereavement group at Hospice, others have told me that I have gotten better.  I really don't understand this, because I have the same thoughts and feelings as I had from the beginning.  Maybe it looks like I have a different demeanor only because I am going through the motions of everyday living.  But no one knows what's going on within me.  Well, I am a basket case.  What I don't understand is why I don't literally faint every day when I awaken at the realization of suddenly being without him again, and I don't understand how I can keep getting up out of bed every morning and do errands, go to appointments, do laundry and other things that living beings are required to do.  I don't get it.  Why have I not had a nervous breakdown or several in fact.  I don't understand why some days I go without weeping.  And how I stop crying once I start, because inside me is a waterfall of sobs that still need to fall.  I know they are in me, because the tears always start again.  I don't know why I act like life is normal when people say anything to me, like the postal clerks, bank tellers, cashiers and when I get a call from a family member.  I act like Danny is just waiting for me at home or in the other room.  But, it is empty when I get home or go into another room, then I remember to act like I really feel.  I really don't understand that living like this is my life now.  I wish there was a pill to take to get to sleep that I could take every day I wake up to go back to sleep for the next 24 hours for the next 40 years.  There is no such pill.  So, I will be continuing to live and I will continue to do what I need to do until the day comes for me or until I understand. 

God bless,

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Suzanne,

It does not seem right that the world keeps moving forward when all we want to do is stop it at that last moment in time when our lives were perfect.  The universe continues on and we are expected to keep up...there is no other choice.  There are always so many "if onlys" running through our heads, but they really don't mean anything because we know we can't change anything. 

I so understand how you are feeling...going through the motions, making everything seem "fine" to the outside world because, honestly, the rest of the world could not handle "our" truth!

It is hard to imagine another 40 years of this life...I still wake up everyday thinking it's one day closer until I can see my Bunzy again.  I know I can't waste my life away dwelling on those thoughts and I have progressed over time, but the ache deep down never goes away, it just shifts and changes some so that I can do what needs to be done  The missing him never will go away, but I can smile at the little things in life. 

Someday we will be enlightened and able to understand this life...until then you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing...continuing to live.

Wishing you peace and comfort,

Marlena

I am so sorry the pain in still so excruciating for you Suzanne. Sometimes, the pretending is what does get us thru each day and then maybe for just a moment, we can really feel like we are pretending too. One day at a time, one moment still. It will be 16 months on Saturday that my dear Bill slipped away in the early morning hours. I still see him laying there so peacefully. He made my life complete.. I am moving forward slowly and letting others in but it still doesn't change those feelings. It's just different..

Suzanne,

I think pretending is all that gets me through each day when I am around anyone.  They also think I have gotten better, but they don't see me when I am alone in the house wondering from room to room just looking at memories.  They don't see me when I try to cook for myself and just give up because Neal loved to eat my new receipts and I just see no reason to cook for one. They don't hear me in the shower sobbing until it is hard to breathe. I could go on and on about what they don't see.  It has only been 8 months for me since Neal left me. I will continue to do day by day as that is the only way I can cope. 

 

  This discussion hit home. I am sure on the outside I seem fine to people that know me. Maybe its because as my wife always kidded me that I show no emotion. She would call me Mr Spock,she said I was like character from Star Trek. But I know I an hurting inside.  If anyone saw things I somtimes do they may think I was disturbed. I do sometime look at her clothes hanging in the closet and try to remember the last time I saw her wearing them. I look at a box of cards that she kept though the years, some from me some from her. Sunday I read all the Fathers Day cards she had given me and reading her words got me sobbing,so I guess I do have emotions,I just keep them private. Glad I have some place to share this.

Dear Marlena,

I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner as I would have wanted to do.  I think it seems to me like every day for the rest of my life I will feel like this.  It would be so hard to "place" the only man that was a part of my life into the category of memories as all I can do now is go through the motions of everyday life.  Thirty nine years is so long to just try and move on.  That's just the way I think.  But it does help to read others perspectives on grief.  So, thank you for that.  And thank you for your understanding and help.

God bless,

Suzanne

 

Hi Kathy,

For me, I don't think I was deliberately pretending, but this is how my mind works to protect me so that I can take care of myself.  When I come back after being out for a few hours, for a few minutes in my memory bank I think he is still here, waiting for me, but when reality hits, that's when the tears flow. As you said, he also made my life complete.  Even after all this time, it's still so hard to believe that Danny is no longer here.  Moving forward is not something I can do nor do I want to.  My feelings and thoughts about this have never changed.  There are no other options for me other than to go with the flow.  But, I am so glad that you and others are getting through your grief.  I really thank you for your words of comfort and your understanding.

God bless,

Suzanne

 

Dear Linda,

That is the way I cope as well, only from day to day, sometimes minute to minute, praying, yet still weeping, the strange thing is I don't think I'm pretending, it's like my subconscious is taking over my body and I can only get out my emotions when I am alone.  I feel it coming on in the weirdest places, when thoughts of him pop into my head, like the grocery store and at church.  But, I think my mind takes control of my body to protect me.  No one family member of mine or his or anyone else has ever seen me crying.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  Maybe without realizing it, I'm controlling these feelings.  I kind of saw myself ahead knowing it would be too sad for me to do any cooking for one so I have never cooked a dinner ever since the day he died.  I grieve for when we once ate together.  I don't even enjoy eating any more.  I could go on and on also, but I wanted to thank you for your understanding.  It means a lot to me.

God bless,

Suzanne

 

Dear Jerry,

I am really so sorry for your pain of having to go through this and for everyone here as well.  I guess because Mr. Spock was not wholly human, and that was the reason he had no emotions.  It is because we are human that we have these feelings.  Some of us keep them private because of the way we are.  I am also glad to have this place to share our pain.  I appreciate your honesty and understanding.

God bless,

Suzanne 

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