I've Lost Him

Today is a very bad day. I've looked for him everywhere, but my husband isn't in his old coats, he isn't in the clothes he used to wear and he isn't in his car or my truck. He's not at his piano or hiding in the sheet music. He's not at his computer or in his cds, X-box or Wii. I've looked inside and outside, and through all the photos. I see traces of him and sometimes I hear a whisper or smell something familiar, but when I breath or move, it's gone. Sometimes I think that if I keep searching enough I'll find him. He wouldn't hide from me on purpose and he knows how worried I get about things. But I've looked and looked and I still can't find him.

Colleen

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Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 10, 2010 at 6:01pm

Collean, i'm so sorry for your loss,i can't remember how long its been sinse you lost your husband but, i can tell you he is with you in your heart, in your memories, and you believe in what ever comforts you, i personally believe my husband is in heaven with god guideing me on this journey we are now on and what it will bring i don't know, but i do know i will see him again and untill then i will keep him alive in my heart and my memories and he is here with me when i need him thru what ever conduate he can use, no one will tell me he is not,but thats my belief,god bless and hugs

Permalink Reply by b mohlere on August 10, 2010 at 7:12pm

I put pictures in every (and I do mean every) room so that when I feel that lost feeling: where is he?; I have a visual reminder that he is in my heart, mind, and with me always. The physical pictures are a tool to help me when I have those moments when it is just TOO much. I look at the picture and I talk to him. It doesn't solve any problems but it reminds me that I can keep him with me with memories.
B

Permalink Reply by Colleen on August 12, 2010 at 1:02pm

Thank you for your advice each and every one of you. Gary passed away 2-22-10 and sometimes I still think it can't be real. I know that it is, but I don't want to believe it down to my very core. I do have pictures of him all through the house and I have a certain belief in the afterlife, but that doesn't seem to help me right now. It's only been six months since he left, but I'm just not convinced that it's going to get better with time.
He was the funny side of me, the kind side, the musical side. I miss him, and I miss "us". It's tough being the one left behind.
Colleen

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on August 12, 2010 at 1:39pm

colleen: we can search as much as we like but in reality we know deep down inside that the loves of our lives are not returning to us right now. they are in a much better place then we are right now. i am glad i am not the only one that hears someone speaking i have been hearing this for about 3 weeks and it seems only when i am laying down to go to sleep in george computer room on his bed./i wish we can search enough that we will find them but i think i found george and where i found him is in my heart and the great memories i have and hold for him. one day we will be with our loves look at a picture and realize this is the first step you made in finding him good luck and hugs

Permalink Reply by Connie on August 12, 2010 at 2:45pm

Colleen, Try putting pictures of him all over the house. I find that seeing his face over and over makes me feel more that he really is here. The life we are living is very, very difficult. It is horrible coming home to an empty house, having to make all decisions by yourself, going to sleep at night by yourself. I, too, miss my husband terribly. I don't know how I am going to go on without him. I dread every day and even more every night. Colleen, I wish you the very best in getting through this terrible time in your life.

Permalink Reply by Connie on August 12, 2010 at 2:45pm

Permalink Reply by Marlena on August 12, 2010 at 6:44pm

What you wrote is so true. Everywhere you look you expect to see him where he should be. That longing to see him where he once was is so strong. Just when you think there's a little glimpse of him the breeze blows or you twitch just right and it's all over. For me it's been almost 17 months and the longing just doesn't go away. What I wouldn't give just to see him in his old recliner just one more time. All we have are the memories that are so much more precious than we ever thought they could be. Hang on tight to all those memories and know he really is there in every breath you take, in everything you see, do, and smell...he'll always be with you.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 12, 2010 at 7:50pm

Hugs to all of you.Hugs are good. As a man I shouldnt be in this topic but I am. You see, I am gone now since LouAnn died. I died with her. I'VE LOST HIM, me. Me is not here anymore. Why cant we seem to get over this madness and sadness ? It will be 17 months soon for me and I still have no purpose or meaning to the "new life"

Permalink Reply by Jerry on August 16, 2010 at 7:26pm

A few times I have walked into my bedroom at night and have smelt the perfume my dear Karen used to wear. It gave me an strange feeling, but it is something I cant explain.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 16, 2010 at 8:47pm

Jerry, I still smell LouAnns perfume bottles once in a while. I just do it once in a while for me after 16 months. Sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on August 16, 2010 at 9:14pm

I still have all Karens stuff in the bathroom and all her clothes in the closet. Not sure if I will ever be able to get rid of them. On the outside most people that see me would say I am doing OK, but I am hurting inside. I am lucky I have 3 grandchildren to keep me busy. The middle one,a girl 4 1/2 years old,who was with her Noni[grandma] a few hours before she passed,still wants us to set a plate for here at dinner time and tells here Mom she feels Karens presence.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 16, 2010 at 9:44pm

Jerry, I havent done anything with LouAnn's clothes and her bathroom stuff. There is no reason for me to do so. Its been 16 months ago today that she died suddenly. Keep setting a plate for Karen like your granddaughter wants. Enjoy the smell of your wife. Every once in a while I can smell LouAnn in the house. Do what you what and when you want to. It is your decision. Whatever is comfortable with you.So sorry for your loss. Hang in there.