I think sometimes some people may misinterpret going through grief by saying some are wallowing in self pity.  Also, everyone has their own timeframe, there are no right way and wrong ways of grieving.  I also think we each have a right to grieve in any way that is right for each of us.  There also is no one way fits all since we are all unique.  This has been on my mind and I just needed to share.  No need to reply unless you want to.

Just putting that out there for the record. 

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Thanks Suzanne- you're right. Sometimes we try to help when it's best sometimes not to say anything- just listen & be supportive. Grief is pain, confusion, fear, lonliness, anger and more.  All these bad feelings & yet by experiencing this ourselves we are much more efficient at comforting others facing various hardships this life brings. Meanwhile, I for one can't hold back tears when they decide to flow and if it makes others uncomfortable-oh well. Nobody wants to feel like this!

Connie,

My husband & I were also "1." We spent all day everyday together - we woke up, went to work, ran errands, studied & ate every meal together. You name it- I have rarely spent time alone or without him being nearby in 8 years. We were just getting started- things were on the horizon- a beautiful new house we were considering &  his new promotion, and foremost our upcoming wedding! Yes, we were not legally wed yet due to us working together for 7 and a half years (against policy). This is my biggest regret now, at the time we considered ourselves married & paperwork meant little to us, but now I see things much differently. He had finally found another job just so we could wed, but it also was a huge leap forward financially & had a promising future. We never guessed it would end so suddenly. In fact that job is what took his life. I feel as if I died that day too. I can't go to our favorite places, eat our favorite meals.... because I just cry I miss him so bad. There are others here that also spent all there time living & working with thier spouses which really surprised me because I have never personnally known another couple who  spent as much time together as Larry & I did. It makes me feel better to know others can relate. I am experiencing the exact same problems with sleeping as you are also. Last p.m. I got 3-4 hrs rest & that's about normal now. I wish I could go away & just sleep. Please know that you are not alone and others are feeling just as you do. I wish us all peace, protection & healing.

Christy 

 

Connie said:

Hi Suzanne,  I don't believe that grief is wallowing in self pity.  We all have different levels of grief and are all at different stages of grief.  We are all unique individuals with marriages that were unique.  Some people are married  but yet still live their own lives.  My husband and I were truly "one."  What we did we did together.  When I lost him, I lost my life too.  Each day it hurts more because it has been one day longer since I was able to talk to him, touch him, just be with him.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that it is one day closer to my being with him again.  I still can't sleep through the night even with anti-depressants and sleeping pills.  I am just so lost.  I feel like I have no real purpose in life now.  The children have to go on with their lives and their families and I don't want them to know how I feel.  How I wish that I could turn back the clock!!!

Hi Suzanne,

    You are so very true in your statements!   My love, my Junior, passed away 19 months ago today.  I miss him still every day!!  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him, spending every minute of our time together, and enjoying everything -- whether it be traveling, fishing, or just sitting at home watching tv.  Today, I drove through the cemetery.  Just as I got to his marker, a song came on the radio that made me just sob -- You've Made Me So Very Happy by Blood, Sweat, and Tears.  All I could think is I hope that I let my Junior know how very happy he made me, and only hope that I made him just as happy.  Our time together was short, but we made the most of every minute we had . . even if it was on our way to a chemo treatment!!  Never in my prior 28-year marriage had I experienced the love, caring, security, and sweetness that Junior gave me every    day!!  Just sorry we didn't get together much sooner-as he told me!  You are right--each of us experience grief in our own ways and our own timeframes.  I have better days at times now, but there are still days (like today!) when I cry regardless!!  My love for him will never end.  I will just move forward with him in my heart and know that he watches over me still today.  Thank you for your message.  It brought out things that I have thought about all day today.  God bless us all.  Hugs to you and all -- hugs are good.  None of us asked to be in this situation, but we must deal with one hour, one day at a time! 

Deb 

Hello Deb,

You mentioned that you were previously married for 28 yrs before Junior and how your relationship with Junior was so much more fulfilling. You also said that your time with Junior was short. How long were you & Junior together? I'm curious because your story sounds so similar to mine. I was married for 20 yrs., was completely devoted to my husband & father of both of my children & then had to escape with the kids in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on our backs in fear for my life. He was bi-polar manic depressive (a.k.a. "crazy"). Then I met Larry. He turned our lives around  and gave me more peace than I have ever known. He was a gift from God. We never wed because we worked together & couldn't keep our jobs if we did. It didn't seem important to me to have it on paper/legalized; we were married as far as we, our family & friends were concerned. We have lived together as husband & wife/family for 6 yrs, together 8 when he died from an accident at work at age 38 yrs. I am devastated. I feel so foolish now for never getting "married" because I have no rights regarding him. He wanted us to be married so badly (he had never been married) & I blew it off as unimportant. We were more "married" than me & my 1st husband ever were! We lived to make each other happy & he declared this past year his best year ever. He died a happy man with a bright future. I am so thankful for our time, yet feel ripped off! I'm in shock I guess. How can this be real? It has been 4 months and I just can't deal with reality. I saw that you & Junior spent all your time together and enjoyed life as Larry & I did. I see it has been about 2 years since Junior passed. How are you coping? I hope that you are well & will pray for you.
Deb said:

Hi Suzanne,

    You are so very true in your statements!   My love, my Junior, passed away 19 months ago today.  I miss him still every day!!  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him, spending every minute of our time together, and enjoying everything -- whether it be traveling, fishing, or just sitting at home watching tv.  Today, I drove through the cemetery.  Just as I got to his marker, a song came on the radio that made me just sob -- You've Made Me So Very Happy by Blood, Sweat, and Tears.  All I could think is I hope that I let my Junior know how very happy he made me, and only hope that I made him just as happy.  Our time together was short, but we made the most of every minute we had . . even if it was on our way to a chemo treatment!!  Never in my prior 28-year marriage had I experienced the love, caring, security, and sweetness that Junior gave me every    day!!  Just sorry we didn't get together much sooner-as he told me!  You are right--each of us experience grief in our own ways and our own timeframes.  I have better days at times now, but there are still days (like today!) when I cry regardless!!  My love for him will never end.  I will just move forward with him in my heart and know that he watches over me still today.  Thank you for your message.  It brought out things that I have thought about all day today.  God bless us all.  Hugs to you and all -- hugs are good.  None of us asked to be in this situation, but we must deal with one hour, one day at a time! 

Deb 

Hi Christy,

     Thank you so much for responding!  It was so close to home to read your post.  I had been married for 27 years and 11 months when my divorce was finalized.  My ex-husband had entered the nursing home less than a year before our divorce.  I went to visit him every afternoon when I got off work and spent a good deal of my time on weekends there.  While there he met a private-duty sitter, employed by an individual, with whom he just fell in love!!  He told me that he would like to take her to dinner; I said there's nothing wrong with guy and girl going to dinner as friends.  Asked him when he wanted to go-his answer was Valentine's Day!!!  I was so taken aback.  I told him "this is our first Valentine's apart in 28 years and you want to spend it with her???"  His reply was "you can go to dinner with your Mom can't you?"  I told him sure I could.  He asked me to get this girl a Valentine's card...told me not to buy her chocolates, she didn't like them.  When he told me that, I asked him if he wanted me to get her one red rose, that is what I would like to have.  He said "you can if you want to".    I thought "does he think I am totally crazy!!"  About a month after that, he told me that there was no reason we couldn't separate and stay friends.  I told him that we were about as separate as we could be; it's just that I was paying for everything - the house, my car, plus all other debts.  He mentioned that a time or two more, then hit me one afternoon in late March 2002 telling me that he wanted a divorce, but that I would have to pay for it!!!!  I guess that is the one and only time in my life when I was glad that we didn't have children!!  Christy, I had worked and taken care of him for over 6 years before he entered the nursing home--after he retired from work.  He was only 39 years old when he retired.  He persisted about the divorce -- asked me the next day if I had contacted an attorney, I told him no.  He asked me what was I waiting on!!  Needless to say, I called an attorney, told him what I needed.  One of my co-workers took me to the nursing home on a Friday morning; I got one of the women in the office to meet us so that she could notarize the paperwork.  She read each paragraph to my ex; asked him if he understood.  (He didn't have a mental disability - had a disease sort of like MS).  He told her that yes, he knew that he would not be married to me.  After she completed reading and signing everything, she told him that she had done a lot of paperwork at the nursing home, but never divorce papers!!!  When I started to leave, he removed his wedding band and another ring from his right hand that I had bought for him, handed them to me and told me that he was sorry he hurt me.  Nevertheless, I just could not believe it.  I dated one guy, one time from the time of my divorce (04/2002) until Junior and I began dating (Summer/2007).  I had decided that if God meant for there to be a man in my life, he would put him at my door!!!

Sorry, but wanted to give you a little background.  Junior and I had met when I was 12 years old and he was 24 years old.  We had always been good friends but I had not seen nor talked to him in years!  His wife passed away in  04/2007.  They had been married for 34 years; and he had been her caregiver.  She had been bedridden for at least the last 5 years of their marriage.  I was sitting at home in the Summer of 2007.  Received a telephone call...voice on other end of line asked me what are you doing.  I hesitated, then voice asked where are you.  I finally said who is this.  Voice replied "you don't even know who you are talking to!!"

I said I do now -- had finally caught his voice.  It was Junior!!  We talked for about an hour.  He told me that he had been trying to get in touch with me to ask me some questions.  (I retired from Social Security after 33 1/2 years in 2006.)  At the end of the conversation, he told me that we should go to dinner some time.  I told him just to call me.  He called 2 days later . . . from that time - we didn't spend a day apart!!!  It was so easy because we had been friends for so many years (over 42!)...he was the absolute love of my life.  When I was 12, I had told him that he had "drop-dead gorgeous blue eyes".  His eyes just sparkled . . he then reminded me of that, and I finally told him how much that embarrassed me!!!!  We were at my apartment one night watching television.  He put his arm over my shoulders and pulled me to him, said "I've been wanting to do this for 40 years.  It was worth the wait!"  WOW-talk about making me feel so special!!  As you said, we lived to make each other happy.  Neither of us had been in very happy marriages; and, finally had found our soulmates!!!  We traveled together; he loved to fish and so did I.  He bought me a 21 ft. center console fishing boat and we started to buy a place near the beach.  We went to a Kenny Rogers' concert..I had told Junior that I had always said my song was "Buy Me A Rose".  Kenny sang that song at the concert.  Junior reached over and took my hand, kissed me, and I couldn't do anything but cry.  How could I finally be so blessed to have this man in my life who really loved me and whom I loved with all my heart in return!!! :)  All of his friends and family told me that they had never seen him as happy!!  I know that any of my friends and family said the same about me -- I had never been happier in my life!!  In April 2008, Junior was diagnosed with colon cancer with metastasis to the liver.  He had surgery followed by chemo treatments.  I went with him to every chemo treatment he had.  He had no natural children, only step-children that he had raised, who very seldom kept in touch with him.  In fact, when he went for chemo treatments, he had to wear a pump for 3 days.  They trained me to flush the tubing and remove the needle from his portacath when the medication in the pump ran out.  Junior didn't want anyone else doing it.  He owned a home, I had my apartment.  Both our families and all our friends knew that we were planning to be married...and I felt more married to him than I had ever felt in my first marriage!!  We had been living between the two for about 6 months prior to him being sick.  After he began the chemo treatments, we decided that we would live in our apartment until some repairs were completed on his house and we could move there.  He did well on chemo until about the end of April 2009.   We had been out-of-state to visit some friends and he got sick on the way home.  From that point his health deteriorated quickly.  He was losing weight even though he had a great appetite.  His doctor told us about late May 2009 that we needed Hospice.  I thought please no!!  Christy, I was holding his hand when he took his last breath on Saturday, June 20, 2009!!  My world, as I had known and loved it, ended that day!!!  The chaplain from hospice as well as one of the RN's came here.  (My ex-husband had passed away on May 27, 2009.  I was unable to go to his funeral due to Junior being in the hospital.)  For the first month or so, all I could do is cry - every day, seems like all day long!!  The nights were, and still are, the hardest times for me.  The chaplain from hospice visited me once a week for the first year . . his visits were very helpful.  He explained the "steps of grief" to me, but told me that not everyone grieves in the same way, or at the same pace!  I get so frustrated with myself at times because I think . . you should be getting over this.  I can tell you - I will never forget or "get over" Junior.  I just find that I am moving on with Junior living in my heart now.  I have so many wonderful memories of things we shared together, did together, and learned about each other . . . and no one can take those things away.  God blessed me that Junior and I had two short years together, but they were absolutely wonderful years!!!  I thank God every day for my Junior and his love.  Time does make life a little more bearable.  I still find that I go to the cemetery almost every day.  In fact, I went yesterday.  Just as I drove to Junior's marker, a song that I had not heard in years came on -- "You've Made Me So Very Happy" by Blood, Sweat and Tears!!!  Talk about crying . . I sat there, listened to that song, and told Junior that I hope he knew how very true that song was about him!!  I still have my times when I cry easily, I also found that it helped for me to talk about Junior and the times we had together.  I spend much more time at home, alone than ever before.  I am finally getting to where I sleep better at night (still don't sleep all night long without waking) and am eating better.  Seems everything changed on June 20, 2009!!!!   

 

I am so sorry I got so "wound up" and rambled so long.  Please just know that I know exactly how you feel . . I miss him every day and love him as much, if not more, now than I did.  It is so hard to believe that we only had 2 years together . . but they were 2 wonderfully blessed years, Christy.  I have learned to  thank God for the time we had together and for bringing Junior back into my life as my friend, lover, and husband . . not just as a friend that we had always been.  You can email me any time you'd like -- debbier53@hotmail.com.  I hope that you are doing as well as you can.  Just take an hour, a day at a time, Christy.  Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do . . and remember how very much Larry loved you!!  I am only 57 years old, but know that there will never be another love like Junior for me.  I am here for you any time you need to talk.  I live in Alabama.  If you don't mind me asking, what state do you live??  Alabama recognizes common-law marriage which I could have done if I wanted.  Please keep in touch!!  Sorry I got so long winded, but yesterday was a tough day...my Junior had been gone for 19 months.  Take good care of yourself, girl.  Know that you will always be in my thoughts and prayers.  Again, thank you for writing. 

Deb          

 

Christy said:

Hello Deb,

You mentioned that you were previously married for 28 yrs before Junior and how your relationship with Junior was so much more fulfilling. You also said that your time with Junior was short. How long were you & Junior together? I'm curious because your story sounds so similar to mine. I was married for 20 yrs., was completely devoted to my husband & father of both of my children & then had to escape with the kids in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on our backs in fear for my life. He was bi-polar manic depressive (a.k.a. "crazy"). Then I met Larry. He turned our lives around  and gave me more peace than I have ever known. He was a gift from God. We never wed because we worked together & couldn't keep our jobs if we did. It didn't seem important to me to have it on paper/legalized; we were married as far as we, our family & friends were concerned. We have lived together as husband & wife/family for 6 yrs, together 8 when he died from an accident at work at age 38 yrs. I am devastated. I feel so foolish now for never getting "married" because I have no rights regarding him. He wanted us to be married so badly (he had never been married) & I blew it off as unimportant. We were more "married" than me & my 1st husband ever were! We lived to make each other happy & he declared this past year his best year ever. He died a happy man with a bright future. I am so thankful for our time, yet feel ripped off! I'm in shock I guess. How can this be real? It has been 4 months and I just can't deal with reality. I saw that you & Junior spent all your time together and enjoyed life as Larry & I did. I see it has been about 2 years since Junior passed. How are you coping? I hope that you are well & will pray for you.
Deb said:

Hi Suzanne,

    You are so very true in your statements!   My love, my Junior, passed away 19 months ago today.  I miss him still every day!!  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him, spending every minute of our time together, and enjoying everything -- whether it be traveling, fishing, or just sitting at home watching tv.  Today, I drove through the cemetery.  Just as I got to his marker, a song came on the radio that made me just sob -- You've Made Me So Very Happy by Blood, Sweat, and Tears.  All I could think is I hope that I let my Junior know how very happy he made me, and only hope that I made him just as happy.  Our time together was short, but we made the most of every minute we had . . even if it was on our way to a chemo treatment!!  Never in my prior 28-year marriage had I experienced the love, caring, security, and sweetness that Junior gave me every    day!!  Just sorry we didn't get together much sooner-as he told me!  You are right--each of us experience grief in our own ways and our own timeframes.  I have better days at times now, but there are still days (like today!) when I cry regardless!!  My love for him will never end.  I will just move forward with him in my heart and know that he watches over me still today.  Thank you for your message.  It brought out things that I have thought about all day today.  God bless us all.  Hugs to you and all -- hugs are good.  None of us asked to be in this situation, but we must deal with one hour, one day at a time! 

Deb 

Hey Deb,

 I just got your post. I live in Georgia, about 30 minutes east of Atlanta down I-20. I certainly wish GA still recognized common law marriages. I actually was fighting to have our marriage/ family status recognized because I kept getting different opinions on that possibility. Two wks ago someone from church offered the name of a law firm that they sd might help, but I'm exhausted right now. On 1 hand I think I should fight because it is what Larry would want- for me to be recognized as his wife. On the other hand I think he wouldn't want me to endure all the stress of years in court. It would have been so much easier if the law recognized our marriage here. I have been a mess for the past week+ & the week before that I felt like I was coping-ha! Blue skies are great but life still sucks (pardon me) without Larry. I have no desire to face another day like this. I love my kids, my granddaughter & other family members but they do not replace what I have lost, & Larry was my life. My kids are grown & remaining family are living their lives as they should be. I just keep praying for peace, protection & salvation.. It's been great meeting you. Your ex sounds like a real jerk & Junior sounds like a prize! Best wishes for you each day- Christy

Deb said:

Hi Christy,

     Thank you so much for responding!  It was so close to home to read your post.  I had been married for 27 years and 11 months when my divorce was finalized.  My ex-husband had entered the nursing home less than a year before our divorce.  I went to visit him every afternoon when I got off work and spent a good deal of my time on weekends there.  While there he met a private-duty sitter, employed by an individual, with whom he just fell in love!!  He told me that he would like to take her to dinner; I said there's nothing wrong with guy and girl going to dinner as friends.  Asked him when he wanted to go-his answer was Valentine's Day!!!  I was so taken aback.  I told him "this is our first Valentine's apart in 28 years and you want to spend it with her???"  His reply was "you can go to dinner with your Mom can't you?"  I told him sure I could.  He asked me to get this girl a Valentine's card...told me not to buy her chocolates, she didn't like them.  When he told me that, I asked him if he wanted me to get her one red rose, that is what I would like to have.  He said "you can if you want to".    I thought "does he think I am totally crazy!!"  About a month after that, he told me that there was no reason we couldn't separate and stay friends.  I told him that we were about as separate as we could be; it's just that I was paying for everything - the house, my car, plus all other debts.  He mentioned that a time or two more, then hit me one afternoon in late March 2002 telling me that he wanted a divorce, but that I would have to pay for it!!!!  I guess that is the one and only time in my life when I was glad that we didn't have children!!  Christy, I had worked and taken care of him for over 6 years before he entered the nursing home--after he retired from work.  He was only 39 years old when he retired.  He persisted about the divorce -- asked me the next day if I had contacted an attorney, I told him no.  He asked me what was I waiting on!!  Needless to say, I called an attorney, told him what I needed.  One of my co-workers took me to the nursing home on a Friday morning; I got one of the women in the office to meet us so that she could notarize the paperwork.  She read each paragraph to my ex; asked him if he understood.  (He didn't have a mental disability - had a disease sort of like MS).  He told her that yes, he knew that he would not be married to me.  After she completed reading and signing everything, she told him that she had done a lot of paperwork at the nursing home, but never divorce papers!!!  When I started to leave, he removed his wedding band and another ring from his right hand that I had bought for him, handed them to me and told me that he was sorry he hurt me.  Nevertheless, I just could not believe it.  I dated one guy, one time from the time of my divorce (04/2002) until Junior and I began dating (Summer/2007).  I had decided that if God meant for there to be a man in my life, he would put him at my door!!!

Sorry, but wanted to give you a little background.  Junior and I had met when I was 12 years old and he was 24 years old.  We had always been good friends but I had not seen nor talked to him in years!  His wife passed away in  04/2007.  They had been married for 34 years; and he had been her caregiver.  She had been bedridden for at least the last 5 years of their marriage.  I was sitting at home in the Summer of 2007.  Received a telephone call...voice on other end of line asked me what are you doing.  I hesitated, then voice asked where are you.  I finally said who is this.  Voice replied "you don't even know who you are talking to!!"

I said I do now -- had finally caught his voice.  It was Junior!!  We talked for about an hour.  He told me that he had been trying to get in touch with me to ask me some questions.  (I retired from Social Security after 33 1/2 years in 2006.)  At the end of the conversation, he told me that we should go to dinner some time.  I told him just to call me.  He called 2 days later . . . from that time - we didn't spend a day apart!!!  It was so easy because we had been friends for so many years (over 42!)...he was the absolute love of my life.  When I was 12, I had told him that he had "drop-dead gorgeous blue eyes".  His eyes just sparkled . . he then reminded me of that, and I finally told him how much that embarrassed me!!!!  We were at my apartment one night watching television.  He put his arm over my shoulders and pulled me to him, said "I've been wanting to do this for 40 years.  It was worth the wait!"  WOW-talk about making me feel so special!!  As you said, we lived to make each other happy.  Neither of us had been in very happy marriages; and, finally had found our soulmates!!!  We traveled together; he loved to fish and so did I.  He bought me a 21 ft. center console fishing boat and we started to buy a place near the beach.  We went to a Kenny Rogers' concert..I had told Junior that I had always said my song was "Buy Me A Rose".  Kenny sang that song at the concert.  Junior reached over and took my hand, kissed me, and I couldn't do anything but cry.  How could I finally be so blessed to have this man in my life who really loved me and whom I loved with all my heart in return!!! :)  All of his friends and family told me that they had never seen him as happy!!  I know that any of my friends and family said the same about me -- I had never been happier in my life!!  In April 2008, Junior was diagnosed with colon cancer with metastasis to the liver.  He had surgery followed by chemo treatments.  I went with him to every chemo treatment he had.  He had no natural children, only step-children that he had raised, who very seldom kept in touch with him.  In fact, when he went for chemo treatments, he had to wear a pump for 3 days.  They trained me to flush the tubing and remove the needle from his portacath when the medication in the pump ran out.  Junior didn't want anyone else doing it.  He owned a home, I had my apartment.  Both our families and all our friends knew that we were planning to be married...and I felt more married to him than I had ever felt in my first marriage!!  We had been living between the two for about 6 months prior to him being sick.  After he began the chemo treatments, we decided that we would live in our apartment until some repairs were completed on his house and we could move there.  He did well on chemo until about the end of April 2009.   We had been out-of-state to visit some friends and he got sick on the way home.  From that point his health deteriorated quickly.  He was losing weight even though he had a great appetite.  His doctor told us about late May 2009 that we needed Hospice.  I thought please no!!  Christy, I was holding his hand when he took his last breath on Saturday, June 20, 2009!!  My world, as I had known and loved it, ended that day!!!  The chaplain from hospice as well as one of the RN's came here.  (My ex-husband had passed away on May 27, 2009.  I was unable to go to his funeral due to Junior being in the hospital.)  For the first month or so, all I could do is cry - every day, seems like all day long!!  The nights were, and still are, the hardest times for me.  The chaplain from hospice visited me once a week for the first year . . his visits were very helpful.  He explained the "steps of grief" to me, but told me that not everyone grieves in the same way, or at the same pace!  I get so frustrated with myself at times because I think . . you should be getting over this.  I can tell you - I will never forget or "get over" Junior.  I just find that I am moving on with Junior living in my heart now.  I have so many wonderful memories of things we shared together, did together, and learned about each other . . . and no one can take those things away.  God blessed me that Junior and I had two short years together, but they were absolutely wonderful years!!!  I thank God every day for my Junior and his love.  Time does make life a little more bearable.  I still find that I go to the cemetery almost every day.  In fact, I went yesterday.  Just as I drove to Junior's marker, a song that I had not heard in years came on -- "You've Made Me So Very Happy" by Blood, Sweat and Tears!!!  Talk about crying . . I sat there, listened to that song, and told Junior that I hope he knew how very true that song was about him!!  I still have my times when I cry easily, I also found that it helped for me to talk about Junior and the times we had together.  I spend much more time at home, alone than ever before.  I am finally getting to where I sleep better at night (still don't sleep all night long without waking) and am eating better.  Seems everything changed on June 20, 2009!!!!   

 

I am so sorry I got so "wound up" and rambled so long.  Please just know that I know exactly how you feel . . I miss him every day and love him as much, if not more, now than I did.  It is so hard to believe that we only had 2 years together . . but they were 2 wonderfully blessed years, Christy.  I have learned to  thank God for the time we had together and for bringing Junior back into my life as my friend, lover, and husband . . not just as a friend that we had always been.  You can email me any time you'd like -- debbier53@hotmail.com.  I hope that you are doing as well as you can.  Just take an hour, a day at a time, Christy.  Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do . . and remember how very much Larry loved you!!  I am only 57 years old, but know that there will never be another love like Junior for me.  I am here for you any time you need to talk.  I live in Alabama.  If you don't mind me asking, what state do you live??  Alabama recognizes common-law marriage which I could have done if I wanted.  Please keep in touch!!  Sorry I got so long winded, but yesterday was a tough day...my Junior had been gone for 19 months.  Take good care of yourself, girl.  Know that you will always be in my thoughts and prayers.  Again, thank you for writing. 

Deb          

 

Christy said:

Hello Deb,

You mentioned that you were previously married for 28 yrs before Junior and how your relationship with Junior was so much more fulfilling. You also said that your time with Junior was short. How long were you & Junior together? I'm curious because your story sounds so similar to mine. I was married for 20 yrs., was completely devoted to my husband & father of both of my children & then had to escape with the kids in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on our backs in fear for my life. He was bi-polar manic depressive (a.k.a. "crazy"). Then I met Larry. He turned our lives around  and gave me more peace than I have ever known. He was a gift from God. We never wed because we worked together & couldn't keep our jobs if we did. It didn't seem important to me to have it on paper/legalized; we were married as far as we, our family & friends were concerned. We have lived together as husband & wife/family for 6 yrs, together 8 when he died from an accident at work at age 38 yrs. I am devastated. I feel so foolish now for never getting "married" because I have no rights regarding him. He wanted us to be married so badly (he had never been married) & I blew it off as unimportant. We were more "married" than me & my 1st husband ever were! We lived to make each other happy & he declared this past year his best year ever. He died a happy man with a bright future. I am so thankful for our time, yet feel ripped off! I'm in shock I guess. How can this be real? It has been 4 months and I just can't deal with reality. I saw that you & Junior spent all your time together and enjoyed life as Larry & I did. I see it has been about 2 years since Junior passed. How are you coping? I hope that you are well & will pray for you.
Deb said:

Hi Suzanne,

    You are so very true in your statements!   My love, my Junior, passed away 19 months ago today.  I miss him still every day!!  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him, spending every minute of our time together, and enjoying everything -- whether it be traveling, fishing, or just sitting at home watching tv.  Today, I drove through the cemetery.  Just as I got to his marker, a song came on the radio that made me just sob -- You've Made Me So Very Happy by Blood, Sweat, and Tears.  All I could think is I hope that I let my Junior know how very happy he made me, and only hope that I made him just as happy.  Our time together was short, but we made the most of every minute we had . . even if it was on our way to a chemo treatment!!  Never in my prior 28-year marriage had I experienced the love, caring, security, and sweetness that Junior gave me every    day!!  Just sorry we didn't get together much sooner-as he told me!  You are right--each of us experience grief in our own ways and our own timeframes.  I have better days at times now, but there are still days (like today!) when I cry regardless!!  My love for him will never end.  I will just move forward with him in my heart and know that he watches over me still today.  Thank you for your message.  It brought out things that I have thought about all day today.  God bless us all.  Hugs to you and all -- hugs are good.  None of us asked to be in this situation, but we must deal with one hour, one day at a time! 

Deb 

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