One of my brothers passed away very early this morning.  I guess it hasn't hit me yet.  When my Father died in 96' I was really shaken up but got on in life. After about 6 months later I burst into tears while I was watching a movie where the skies were clear in the scene and there were people standing around the gravesite and it hit me because it reminded me that Father was gone, along with all my other deceased family and relatives. My husband's Dad died 2 months after mine died.  In 2001 Dan's Mother died and in 2009 it was the last wake (or any event) that Dan and I attended together.  There have been other deaths, Dan's 2 brothers, his 11 year old nephew, his 2 year old nephew, his niece's 4 hour old granddaughter, my 42 year old nephew, my 22 year old nephew, a 22 year old cousin in 1970.  When my mother passed away she had Alzheimer's and dementia and didn't remember me, but remembered Dan for some reason, and so I had already been grieving for her while she was still with us.  All of these deaths have caused a hole in my heart, including my brother today, but it was beyond all comprehension that Danny passed and my heart was ripped out of my chest, as I still feel that emotional pain as if it's new.  That's just the way my mind works.  I just don't see how I could ever be happy in this life after these pieces of me are gone forever.  When my husband passed so did my spirit for living.  No interests, I still hate the chirping birds and the sunshine and hurt emotionally when I think of my husband when he was well, I don't know how anyone can think fondly of their spouse, but that's just me, I guess.  I don't know if this means I'm in a depression because it seems like this is the way I'm supposed to feel when I never felt like this before and it's been over 15 months.  It's like he just died last week.  Well, I just had to get this out of my system, so thanks for allowing me to vent and I remember each and every one of you in my prayers.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Suzanne,I am sorry you have had another loss in your life. I know you are greiving for all your losses but as you know loosing your spouse is so much different then loosing anyone else and yes I would say you are in a deep depression.I'm not sure and can't remember if you are on meds for it but I will tell you if not then maybe you need to talk to your doctor ? I only say this because you cannot continue like this, depression can and is very dibalating and can cause physical illnesses. I truly understand your pain as we all do and grieving is expected and natural when we loose our spouses. I pray one day you will be able to to remember Danny with fond memories and remember the good times and life you were able to share with him and yes you will feel sad and still mourn for the times you no longer will have. Remember the love you shared  your love does not die when they do it will live in your heart the rest of your life,but as you know you have to live untill you are called to join him. Live to honor Danny keep him alive in your heart with your memories because as long as you can remember him with a laugh or a smile and openly talk about him he will always be with you. This is what I believe we must to to be able to carry on with the time we have left. You must choose to want to live and carry on and as hard as that may be your god and Danny will be there walking beside you. I meen no disrespect or harm I only wish your heavy heart to be lightened. Hugs and prayers for you.

Suzanne you have had so many people pass away that are close to you and whenever that happens our world becomes so strange knowing we will not see that person or be able to talk to them again.  I'd say you are depressed and with good reason!  Depression can come to anyone but especially to those of us who have had a significant loss in our lives.  I hope you are attending a support group and it would be good if you talked to your doctor about how you are feeling and all that you have been through.  There are lots of resorces available on line that help give tips on some things we can do to help ourselves feel better. I have attached a link for you  http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm.

 

It is true that often the people we always thought would be there for us surprize us and withdraw from us however I have had many people that I didn't spend a lot of time with that have definitely been there for me.  One example is all of the co-workers that worked with my husband - they always want to know what they can do to help me.  I think it is their way of honoring Dave and staying connected to him.  Family sometimes do disappoint us but I try to remember some of them were not always there even before my husband died so why would I expect a change now?  We may need to make new friends and that isn't easy to do I know, but by joining a support group, staying in touch here, etc., you will meet new people and will have people that can definitely relate to everything you are feeling.  That brings me a lot of comfort. I will be praying for you!  I am so sorry about the loss of your brother too - may God be especially near to you and cradle you in His loving arms - you are loved unconditionally by Him and He definitely is near to the brokenhearted!

Sheryl

Dear Suzanne, so very sorry for the loss of your brother, for your dear Danny and for all your losses.  I just want to say that both Virginia and Sheryl's words are so wise and so heartfelt to you.  It is very hard to turn your loss to one of having those happy memories of your love and time spent together.  I want to say, as the other ladies have, that your Danny's love and strength is still with you.  He loves you and wouldn't want you to feel so sad.  Please do try and reach out and get some help, so you are not alone with your thoughts.  It's very uplifting to share stories, to share your love you each had with others, and to smile and allow that warmth to flow through you.  As Sheryl said, I too experience the love and support from my husband's co-workers, and it is through them also, that they want to honor my John with their love for myself and our daughters.

 

My mom died also of Alzheimer's, and one day I recall she just looked up at my husband and said "hi Jack"!  We were totally blown away by this.  Mom was just a little lady and Jack so tall but they loved each other and took care of each other.  My dad passed away less than a year later of cancer.   We have a tiny family, so small, but now our youngest daughter is having a baby, and this is new life for us.  I know with absolute certainty that hubby is thrilled by this and is watching us with love and joy from heaven. 

Your Heavenly Father will not leave you alone to suffer Suzanne, He will provide the strength you need to live your life, just reach out to Him.

 

Please take care of yourself, and take those words of Viriginia and Sheryl and try to get some help.  You are worth it.

 

Hugs,

Carol

Suzanne, my most sincere e-hugs to you today. So much heartbreak & sorrow would surely weigh on anyone & you have every reason to feel as you do, but you must wake each day knowing you are here for a reason and try not to waste the time you have left. I feel just as you do, as if my heart is gone, life is not worth living, but that's when I decided to give my life instead of live my life. In doing this I have purpose. Each day I ask God to take control, direct me, sustain me & forgive my shortcomings. My goal is to help myself by helping others. When I can do this, I am satisfied. Otherwise I am crying, consumed in grief and beg God to take me from this world. I admit that I feel as if I belong in a mental ward sometimes for the way I go back & forth between peace/purpose & pity/sorrow. I am hoping one day soon peace & purpose will overcome pity, pain & sorrow. As Sheryl mentioned I have joined a small support group, although that's not their true intention. it's a grp. from my church that meets twice monthly at a local restaurant to share & lend support & advice. I didn't want to go at first, but now I have come to depend on them. I was hospitalized last week & they prayed for me, came to visit & sent cards. It was so nice. I would not have had that if I had not stepped out first. I suggest you give it a try.

I hope you will find your way soon. You are valuable. We love you~

Hugs & prayers, Christy

Suzanne, if you like to read, I just finished a book called "Heaven is for Real." It is easy & very quick to read. If you like, I can mail it to you. I'm not saying it's the best book I've ever read, but the content is something to ponder to those of us interested in the everlasting life ahead. Let me know~
Virginia, thank you for this. I know it was meant for Suzanne, but it is helpful to me also. I wish you well~

Virginia said:
Suzanne,I am sorry you have had another loss in your life. I know you are greiving for all your losses but as you know loosing your spouse is so much different then loosing anyone else and yes I would say you are in a deep depression.I'm not sure and can't remember if you are on meds for it but I will tell you if not then maybe you need to talk to your doctor ? I only say this because you cannot continue like this, depression can and is very dibalating and can cause physical illnesses. I truly understand your pain as we all do and grieving is expected and natural when we loose our spouses. I pray one day you will be able to to remember Danny with fond memories and remember the good times and life you were able to share with him and yes you will feel sad and still mourn for the times you no longer will have. Remember the love you shared  your love does not die when they do it will live in your heart the rest of your life,but as you know you have to live untill you are called to join him. Live to honor Danny keep him alive in your heart with your memories because as long as you can remember him with a laugh or a smile and openly talk about him he will always be with you. This is what I believe we must to to be able to carry on with the time we have left. You must choose to want to live and carry on and as hard as that may be your god and Danny will be there walking beside you. I meen no disrespect or harm I only wish your heavy heart to be lightened. Hugs and prayers for you.
I have read it too and found it fascinating.  It gave me a lot of comfort.

Christy said:
Suzanne, if you like to read, I just finished a book called "Heaven is for Real." It is easy & very quick to read. If you like, I can mail it to you. I'm not saying it's the best book I've ever read, but the content is something to ponder to those of us interested in the everlasting life ahead. Let me know~

Dear Virginia,

I will be starting an antidepressant after much thought in the beginning of June. I know it won't  bring Danny back as I have always known, but I suppose it can't hurt.  I just wanted to let you know that I believe your words are meant to help with understanding and nothing you said conveyed any measure of disrespect.  I just like to come here to vent and I really do humbly appreciate you and everyone who sends hugs and concern and prayers.  We are all in the same boat, and I realize that.  Thank you for your words of comfort.

Suzanne

 

Dear Sheryl,

Thank you for your compassion as well as to the others here and for your help.  I will check out the link and thank you for that.  I already knew I was in a depression.  I know I have to take care of me now, but I am still grieving that my husband and I are not able to take care of each other.   It's just par for the course.  I dislike any changes, but I realize we all need to accept the way things are.  It takes time and it is what it is.  I'm learning how to go through this course along with everyone else, life is so hard sometimes.  It's nice to have caring people to help one another like here on legacy.

Suzanne

 

Dear Carol,

With me the trouble is I think he is with me and wants me to be happy and wants me to keep living and loving myself and our family, but I don't really 'know' it and I don't 'feel' it so I have to go on what I think and when my grief gets too much to bear sometimes I ignore these positive thoughts and fall into sadness and I isolate.  But I know you are right with everything you said.  We all know that it's so hard to pick ourselves up which is why I am very glad and appreciative of all of us who pick each other up when we need it.  So, thank you again and much congratulations to you for the upcoming happy event in your life.  It's good to look forward to pleasures in life.  A new grandchild will be a blessing.  Take care.

Suzanne

 

 

Dear Christy,

You are so kind to me and helpful and your concern and that of the others sometimes I feel a little guilty for venting.  But it's not anything coming from you or anyone.  It's my issues, I have this need to vent and I feel sorry for myself and oh so depressed and I can't stop myself from getting all my thoughts and emotions out there.  But, please believe me when I tell you and everyone else that I sincerely believe that God is getting me through from one day to the next.  I just follow His lead and he gets me to do what I need to do to take care of myself.  True, I'm in a depression, and true, when I read my own posts back to myself, I say to myself, 'what the bleep did I say that for' but it is also true that it feels so good to get feedback and advice that I remember later on when I'm ready to hear it, so all of what you and everyone tells me is so much appreciated.  By the way, I already read that book, it is fascinating.  I thank you for the offer to send it.  I have read dozens of books that all help me in some way.  So, thanks again.  I think we are all truly blessed to have found one another. 

Suzanne

 

 

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