Hi To all,

I've also noticed there are so much more of us who are new here and going through grief and I want you all to know that I remember you all in my prayers. Just to keep in contact I know lots of you have gone over to facebook to chat but I am unable to because I don't want my sons and all my loved ones to know what I'm really thinking or they would be really worried about me.  I think that each of us has their own individual way of getting through these dark days and I have my own perspective that I have already mentioned in many discussions before, that I know in my heart my joy in this life is gone as my 'spirit' passed with my husband when he passed away 7 months ago on January 22, 2010.  I am so sorry for all of your sadness and sorrow and I know it's just so unbearable to get through each day, and I also wanted to let you know about a few things going on with me.  A huge issue with my family has been unblocked at least on the surface.  What I'm talking about is that two days ago my brothers and sisters and most of our adult children and their kids actually got together for a family cookout that I attended in which all of those that I mentioned before in another post had major issues.  My eldest brother who just turned 70 refused one of my sisters the knowledge of his upcoming fatal diagnosis that he only has 9 months to live due to liver cancer.  A month or so ago after the most horrific tension, past fights, anger and stress from disagreements which caused him to deny our sister the right to be at his wake and funeral when he dies, but I noticed after we were all getting along in one of the pictures that were being taken on Saturday, my brother's arm was around her shoulder and it's such a momentous occasion I had to share it.  I have nothing to do with the problem, but I think the help for our family being united came about from my husband (who passed as I said) together with one of my other sister's son who died last June of 09 and this is nothing short of a miraculous event.  I prayed for their help (my husband and my nephew) in the afterlife after I received a message that they are helping our family unite.  Never thinking this would ever happen this has changed my views about some things.  But it any case I now truly believe that my husband is aware of what goes in in this life with me and all of us ( I didn't before because I felt disconnected from him as we were together for 39 years and then there was nothing,) I still find it hard to talk to him because of the fact I am still deeply depressed and I want him here and now.....I don't want him to be a memory.    Well, the other thing I wanted to ask of anyone who wishes to comment that lately I've been getting a lot from different sources that we have a choice in how we feel.  But I don't believe this, I think Abraham Lincoln was wrong when he said, "We are as happy as we make up our minds to be."  (I don't think he was talking about widows) and I am adamant about how I feel that how can I choose to feel joy if my beloved husband is not here physically, how can I feel happy is beyond me.  I know I will never feel happy again, but others, even widows from my grief meeting which really kind of annoys me (sorry to say) when they love life and they are living again and they believe I will too one day.  This really gets to me because I know in my heart that my life in this world is over and I just wait for God to let me know His will (which I've said hundreds of times) and I just wait for God to call me home.  Does anyone here have any thoughts that we can choose how we feel???  I just don't get it.  But I will do my best to accept differing opinions.  I just know how I feel and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Well, I pray you all have peace and (((hugs))) to everyone here.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Nancy, What you have said is so very appropriate for the way that I am feeling. I lost my husband of 46 years on 11/9/09. He was everything to me. We had three beautiful daughters and 5 gorgeous grandchildren. They do add to my life but they cannot replace their father. He and I were truly one. We did everything together even to the point of going to the gas station together, even though it is only 3 blocks away. We lived our lives for each other and for our children. The children are grown, the youngest will be a senior at a University in Pennsylvania this fall. I have wonderful children who really care about me and want to do everything they can to help me. They cannot bring their Dad back or they would. That is the one thing I need most in this world is to be by his side again. If it can't be on earth, then it has to be in death. One day God will call me home and I will be by my husband's side again. That is the day I will be truly happy again.
People are very insensitive and tell you how you should feel and what you should be doing now. When they face what we are dealing with, then they will understand how foolish they are now. You have to live through this to understand the devastation and helplessness and hoplessness that you feel. You don't want your life to be like this but you can do nothing to change it. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or how to feel. That is something that only you can feel.
Nancy, I wish you the very best and hope that you will feel better soon. May God Bless You.
Good for you I have wanted to do that too.

kathleen caylor said:
Suzanne,I'm glad you're asking.That shows progress in the fact that you even asked!Let's face it,none of us wants to be here but we are.We ARE alive and our spouses aren't .Now I just got over my own pity party,My B-day Aug 15th.The first one in 46 years ,that Ernie wasn't here to share with me.I was just plain miserable.But that is not me.Nor will I let this grief continue to controll me.That's not to say I don't miss and want my husband back.So I will continue and TRY to be happy.Sure we all have down days .But By living out the rest of our days BEING miserable isn't going to help youself.I'm pretty much housebound,being caregiver to my 92 year old mother,so i have no choice,but when I get a chance,I get out and do things.Take the initative,try something different.I took a gun course.Been scared of guns all my life.So I thought ,I need to not be afraid.It was empowering.I feel we need to take charge of our lives,be they as they are.Please give yourself a chance!I guess I'm not a romantic just a realist.If we don't do things for ourselves who will?Please forgive me if I offended you,but this is how I feel.Take care.
After reading your replies, I need to say that what prompted me to ask if we have a choice in how we feel was because I am on a quest to discover if the basic principles in "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrnes has some validity. While I don't necessarily buy the whole book (so-to-speak) I understand what others in other grief sites have been advising me as well which is, it is how we (I) react to our feeling of losing our spouse is the choice that is important to consider. What I got from the book with regards to material needs is that if anyone thinks of how they need to pay their debt off, and continue to think of these thoughts every day, every day, these thoughts bombard us and we never will get out of debt. (According to the book) which makes a lot of sense. I still am asking various people what they think of this concept and I still think it may be different for widows but I think it depends on the individual. If we (or I) keep saying I don't want to live, I'm grieving, I hate this life, then because of all these thoughts I will continue to not want to live, still grieve, and still hate this life. Maybe I have been mistaken. Maybe what I should be saying is I will miss my husband for the rest of my life. It's just something for me to continue to grow in my own pathway on this very stressful seemingly hopeless journey that is called life. A life without Danny sounds like the worst thing in the world to me. But if I change my thoughts, if this is at all possible, like saying to myself, Danny really is in a better place than me, and for sure he is helping me with my family, I believe, more than he could if he were alive and I don't want to be controlled by my husband from beyond, but I can change my own thinking. So, maybe there is something to this. I plan on asking the bereavement counselors at the meeting tomorrow and if you want to know I'll keep you posted (so-to-speak). At least I still have a bit of humor left in me. And I wouldn't want Danny to know, now that I believe he can hear and see me, that I can't keep his memory alive because I wouldn't want him to be ever forgotten. I think maybe Tom has prompted me to let you all know what I've been really thinking lately as I have been afraid you would all think, oh, I'm all better now. Because I'm not. But I also want to say one more thing. That I believe because of my own faith that God wants me to put Him first as it should be and that it is up to Him to say when my time is up and that Dan's time was up. Which I've been saying all along anyway as I have been saying I am just waiting for Him to call me, but it's up to me to do what I need to until that day comes be it whenever. Well good night all.
God bless,
Suzanne
P.S. Everyone who has posted tonight are in my prayers and I understand how you all feel. Trust me, I believe this is a Gift I have. And Tom, if you're their please, please,.......... have some ice cream.. LoL
I think I love you Suzanne !
And I'm always here.
And YES ! I can be bought with ice cream !
Suzanne, I think you are absolutely and totally right and have really come across something very helpful. I know that I want Tim to be here very badly. It still seems wrong he is not. But I believe that when you finish your work down here than God takes you home. Tim finished before I did. I am here for a reason and when that reason is complete I will go and join Tim and Frank(our son). But I still don't like it.
Now, I am crying, but I'm not depressed at the moment. Thank YOU, Tom.
Suzanne

Tom said:
I think I love you Suzanne !
And I'm always here.
Judy,
I hear what you're saying, In a way it doesn't seem right to me either that Dan is not with me, watching our children grow. But every single day of my life, I ask God the questions I need answers like, ,"God you took away all that I find dear," and "God, Almighty Father, what is it that you want me to do.?" and "God, You have made your final decision that I am to be here without being able to love my husband more." I feel I need to go out into the world and tell everyone love your wife, your husband, love your loved one NOW, while they are all still here, stop petty arguments." I have always believed that God had a purpose for me but I was clueless that it would be this soon. But I do know one thing that it is up to God my Creator, and I have listened to my head and my heart and have come to the conclusion that Danny's life must not be in vain, he is alive in my heart, and I must be mature about it, when I grew to be an adult, I put away the child within whether I like it or not." Please understand that this is what I am learning, my individual, personal path. I am not about to turn on anyone because last week, even though, I know in my heart of hearts I would never, ever do this, I had a thought in my head to ask the maintenance who manages the apartment building where I live,"Gee, I wonder how you get on to the top of the building" which is 7 stories tall. It was just a thought and that's all." But I also know that there is God's will, there is man's will, and there is Satan's will. Asking how to get to the roof on my building is not God's will. But I need to keep living to find out what God's purpose is for me and will continue to do that, even as I hurt, it is up to me because God gave me free will. Sorry to offend anyone with religious and/or spiritual references but I am ONLY talking for my self. Thanks Judy, for the chance to continue my path and I still feel compassion for everyone going through the worst time in our lives. But to me, I feel I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. And please don't anyone worry about my taking my life. I don't even want to hear it, it was just thinking about getting sympathy from the maintenance man who works here, which is a sickness in itself. I already figured out that getting sympathy or even taking my own life isn't going to bring Danny back. One of my son's started a website for him and I was thinking of getting involved with that.
God bless and I hope you feel better, Judy.
Suzanne

judy said:
Suzanne, I think you are absolutely and totally right and have really come across something very helpful. I know that I want Tim to be here very badly. It still seems wrong he is not. But I believe that when you finish your work down here than God takes you home. Tim finished before I did. I am here for a reason and when that reason is complete I will go and join Tim and Frank(our son). But I still don't like it.
What can I say Suzanne. What you have written is truely inspiring. Your message is getting out. Gods will maybe ! A purpose does not mean you have to change the world, it's the small steps that help alot, and maybe the only ones that any of us may be able to take. That's huge. They do add up. I do remember my first posts here, and how bad I did feel then. Those thoughts do not leave me. I have learned alot from the people on this site and have used that, to first learn to smile again, my first step and it was a hard one to do. All the steps I have tried have been hard, and not all of them were the right choice. I tried to rush through my grieving and had to start all over again, bad choice. Eating more ice cream, the jury is still out on that choice ! Afraid to weigh myself ! I have tried to become someone new. I can only be myself, and that's coming back slowly. I fought for my wifes life with her every day for three years. I'll fight for everyone here. EVERYONE.
Tom,
I really do believe God is working in my life and I can only speak for myself but I can only plant seeds, it is God who is the Farmer. I must say though that it does feel good to have helped at least one person in this vast universe. For once it felt really good to go to sleep with a smile. I'll say no more for now.
God bless all of us,
Suzanne

Tom said:
What can I say Suzanne. What you have written is truely inspiring. Your message is getting out. Gods will maybe ! A purpose does not mean you have to change the world, it's the small steps that help alot, and maybe the only ones that any of us may be able to take. That's huge. They do add up. I do remember my first posts here, and how bad I did feel then. Those thoughts do not leave me. I have learned alot from the people on this site and have used that, to first learn to smile again, my first step and it was a hard one to do. All the steps I have tried have been hard, and not all of them were the right choice. I tried to rush through my grieving and had to start all over again, bad choice. Eating more ice cream, the jury is still out on that choice ! Afraid to weigh myself ! I have tried to become someone new. I can only be myself, and that's coming back slowly. I fought for my wifes life with her every day for three years. I'll fight for everyone here. EVERYONE.
Hi Connie,

I am so sorry about the loss of your husband too. I try to think of the blessings I have when I start feeling sorry for myself through all of this sadness. Like, I am fortunate to be going through this in the Spring and Summer, at least I have the sunshine to make me feel a little better. I am dreading the Winter. That is when we spent most of our time indoors, watching movies, doing inside projects, I even cooked more during the winter months than I did in Spring & Summer, so I am not looking forward to the Holidays and Jan. & Feb. Wish I could go on a cruise for 4 months and miss it all.
I don't think people mean to be insensitive, I myself always thought I was exceptionally in tune to peoples feelings and tragedies, but I got to say losing a spouse cannot be truly understood until it happens to you. It is a total life changing event, and not a good one. However, I have learned a lot through this tragedy. You may not know, but we sold our house two weeks before my husband died. After he died, I had to continue to pack things, spackle walls etc., There were poly bolts and screws in the walls from pictures etc., that I needed a drill to remove them. Don always did stuff like that, I rarely changed a lightbulb. So I said to myself, this can't be that complicated, and I went into his tools and pulled out the Electric Drill. Figured out how to work it, and removed the screws all by myself. I was sad that he wasn't there to do it for me, but on the other hand, I learned to do something on my own. I felt he was looking down on me and saying, "Honey, good job."
Connie, I wish you the very best too. I feel like I made another new friend. Thank you and God Bless you too.
Suzanne, I think you are moving forward more than you think and you are getting some great insight. Now, I'd rather have my husband than all the insight in the world and I know you would too. But since we can't have that for awhile we do what we can. I bet your husband is very proud of you.

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