Just venting

Last night was a hard one for me. I went to the cemetary with my father in law, my mother in law, and my 8 year old son Tucker. We put out a little Christmas Tree with Solar lights on it so that it would shine at night ( i hope no one steals it) Jason has been gone a little over 2 months. Tucker had his second therapy session today he wanted me to stay with him the entire time. They talked about how when Jason needed help and Tucker ran to the neighbors house to get help and the therapist made sure that Tucker knew that he did everything that he could to help his daddy and that he did not have any guilt feelings about it. He has another appointment next week maybe he will feel comfortable enough to talk without me in there. On the way to school he started complaining that his stomach was hurting i told him it was probably nerves and to call me if it did not feel better in a little bit. I have not heard from him so hopefully he is better. I still cant understand why this happened to us. I have been having a little bit of guilt feelings. I had to go to my cardiologist the other day and have some test done. We just had these same test done in April and May. Jason was with me for every test. I am the one with high blood pressure and heart problems, we had no clue that Jason a 39 year old man who is 6 foot and weighs 167 was going to fall over with a heart attack. I am so mad. I am so tired of everyone saying everything happens for a reason NO THERE WAS NO REASON FOR THIS!!!! I need my husband, my children need their father. There are crack heads walking the streets and this good man is gone. I went on the funeral homes website and reread what everyone said about him he was so good to everyone. I guess thats my little vent for now.

Jill

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Permalink Reply by Charlene Ozawa on December 7, 2010 at 1:50pm

Vent all you want Jill!!! This is a hard time for you and your family. My Michael died almost 6 months ago. I lost both my parents last year. Michael was there for me. Two weeks after my Moms memorial my husband started having heart problems. One year later he was gone. I went through a year of taking care of my parents till they died. Then a year of taking care of my husband. He nearly died three times during that time. Now he is gone. I have four children who are grow (38-21) and I now live alone. I also have high blood pressure and was the one under a doctors care. Hold onto your memories and your son. This is not easy at all. And yes I hate the people who tell me there was a reason or I am still young enough to find another man. Really!!! Hugs to you and yours!!!!

Permalink Reply by Floss on December 7, 2010 at 2:03pm

So sorry about your loss, I am so sad for you, I am 6 months into my husbands loss. I know what you going through, it is awful, so dont let anyone tell you otherwise. I am in therapy,I need it, I need to talk to someone to talk to that is not telling me to do this and do that, just someone that can LISTEN. To cry often is going to happen, to release all that pain, big hugs for you.

Permalink Reply by Christy on December 7, 2010 at 3:00pm

Hey Jill- I hope you are better. I know the boys will be home from school soon if not already. As moms we try to suck it up & be strong around the kids. It's horrible to hear your youngest son was with your husband when he died-I truely hope the therapist can help him release any feelings of responsibility. I don't know how kids manage to go through school each day dealing with this! They are resilient/amazing!
I feel the same way about Larry dying as you do about Jason-WHY? My Larry didn't drink, smoke & never even tried drugs-ever! He didn't even want to take prescription meds. when he dislocated his shoulder a few yrs. ago, yet drug addicts, child molesters... walk the streets! I am sick of people saying "God called him home." What?! If it was God's call we would all live forever according to the bible. People are people, we get sick & sometimes things get over looked or nothing helps or we have a fatal accident, & people get murdered! That's not God's will... God is with us always if we let him be. If so, He is there to save our soul when death comes, but God is not responsible. A huge part of me & his son died that day too! Life will never be the same & frankly I don't believe it will be as good as it was when he was alive for us- I hope I'm wrong. I know we will be o.k. & things will get better but these kids will never get a bear hug from their dad ever again & it SUCKS!! Sorry, I have to vent to. As for your husband being the healthy one I know that feeling too- Larry was younger than me & always joked about caring for me in my old age. It shouldn't have ended like this! You are not alone. Christy

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on December 7, 2010 at 7:35pm

Hi Jill, My daughters have said the same thing-- there's murderers, rapists,perverts etc. running around, yet we lost Dad. It will be 7 wks on Thursday since Jim passed away. Only 7 wks, yet it feels like a lifetime. I hope your son realizes he did everything he could, so sorry that he has to go through those feelings. Take care.

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