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Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on August 21, 2013 at 12:48pm

John  I lost mu husband Morley very suddenly over three years ago (an aortic aneurysm) and since then have not improved one little bit.  I agree with you, if anything the pain has got worse and worst of all, it is always there 24 hours of the day.   A psychiatrist told me it might take 5 years because of the manner of his death but I actually think I have got steadily worse.   Outside in public I can put a face on and go to a concert (having been blackmailed into it)
and think I deserve an oscar as I feel as if I am in some weird play where everyone else has the script but me.   I have put on weight (lost 4 sizes when he died) so look better on the outside but inside I am quietly dying and he is never out of my mind for one second.   I have found a special place in my house where no one can here me crying and most nights I can be found there.   There has not been one day I have not cried for him.   I hope he is waiting for me.   No one knows the pain we are in unless they have gone through it and even then, they may not have had the kind of marriage we all must have had in order to find legacy so perhaps they do get over it.   One of the posts said even her Mother expected her to be over it in three month.   Three months I was still in a fog and it is now over three years and if anything I am worse inside than I was when he died.   Everyone grieves differently and at their own speed and in their own way.   My sister was over her husbands death in a year but then he had left her earlier on in the marriage and although he came back, it can never be the same.
John Rood said:

I posted this back in May, my Sister tells her friends that I'm a little rough around the edges..that maybe so.. but to me the heartache hasn't lessened if anything its worse, I think I've accepted the fact that how I am now is the best its going to get. October 11th will be two years, I've had more things go to hell in a hand basket than I've had in my entire life. Just for today I want to say "done rough around the edges or not, just for today, and say just for today because tomorrow I won't feel this down and lonely, I really shouldn't be making this post,  I don't want to burden anyone else with my depression or feelings of being completely lost....

  This is what I posted back in May                 

 My Wife passed six months past what the Doctors said and those six months were quality. I was very grateful. There was nothing left unsaid there was no question in her mind, our kids minds, or mine the love we all had for each other. And thats what I'm grateful, for. Married for 31yrs, not long enough...we were supposed to get a lot older together she was 57. Its been 19 months, and I have to say it really hasn't got any easier, for me "gets easier with time" isn't working with me. Im grateful we had that extra 6 months, if she was suffering and in pain, that I think would've been one thing...oh and by the way after listening to the Doctors telling us each day that she wasn't going to make it past tomorrow over and over again, they weren't doing anything besides watching her. I got pissed and against Drs. recommendations, I brought her home three days later she woke up said she was hungry and "where am I"? She kept getting stronger she went from 71 lbs to 109lbs. and for six months we cruised the beaches, went out to dinner a lot it was quality life.. am I bitter.. yep

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on August 27, 2013 at 12:54am

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife. I lost my beloved last April 16, 12, he was only 64. He died in his sleep and was not sick? he was born with a heart condition though and that is was led to his passing. I was thinking of your question if we could choose an expected passing or a long goodbye (my words). I think a goodbye would be better...although very painful and a series of daily letting go. But I am so sad I cannot fully tell Barry how his love, alone, has been the single most important love of my life. 

He was to retire this year and I am sad he worked his whole life for others and never was able to retire! he was an antrho professor and was always giving and assisting others. I was the sick one! why him? he was a caregiver to me in many ways.

I am learning that it never makes sense. We do find that there are ironies though.

How are you holding up ?????? its not easier for me yet. I still am in disbelief. I try to stay busy so I can kind of pretend its not true, though parts of my logic knows it, but If I keep busy...

HOW IS YOUR GRANDSON?????? Your wife loved him so much. You can take over with your grandson and give him all the love she would want you to give. I think GIVING is what its all about. 

blessings, Vee, Colorado age 50

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on August 27, 2013 at 12:55am

There is a beautiful song by Natalie Merchant, “My Beloved Wife” PLEASE GO TO YOUTUBE and hear it

Permalink Reply by Carrie Markowiak on September 4, 2013 at 12:34pm

JJ, so sorry for your loss.    I just lost my husband of 23 years on August 22, 2013.   He was much more to me than a husband though.   We were never apart and many of our friends and family couldn't understand how we could spend so much of our time together without fighting or getting on each other nerves but we just weren't happy unless we were with each other.  As far as your question, I don't think it matters if their death was sudden or after a long illness.   The pain would be the same.    However, now that I write that the selfesh part of me wishes that my husband died of a long illness rather dying suddenly in my arms.   Neither of us knew that he was dying.  One minute he was talking to me and I was rubbing him with cold water (he was hot, we thought he had a summer cold) the next second he slumped into my arms and was gone.   I certainly wouldn't want him to suffer but it would have been nice to know that he was leaving me so I could say goodbye and made sure that he knew how much I loved him and how much he meant to me.     So for that I'm selfish but to tell you the truth, it would not make the pain of missing him any less.    Again sorry for your loss.  

Permalink Reply by david on September 6, 2013 at 5:36am

my wife died in car accident on side of the road . I was not with her, with me 4/4/10 and gone 4/5/10.      I was lost and so some extend still lost but all of us must find a wa to count blessings not the negative , I did not ge to tell her bye . still I am thankful she did not endure long suffering.\      if I was in your situation I hope I would be able to be thankful I was able to over period of time tell her bye .

 

there is no good answer. we cannot control events , we can only control how we respond ,

may the soul of your wife be blessed and may you find peace

d 

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