I so struggle to keep it together everyday! My life doesnt seem bright and full of love or laughter or any of things you feel normallY! I kind of feel like I am lost like I dont know how to shop, walk, make decesions, or anything that seemed to be normal! I so miss my husband! It is heart breaking to look at my kids and know that this will affect them for ever! I still cant believe "HE" chose this! My heart melts everytime I think too much! People say to stop thinking "REALLY" who can stop thinking of everything in the past and what you have to be ready to deal with in the future! I have to decide how, when, where and what I tell my kids before someone else does, my brain is thinking about soooooo much and yet my heart feels so much at the same time! I am hot mess and nothing in this world can make it ok! I hurt with every breathe I take, I hurt with every smile I force, I hurt every where!!!! i am so traumatized still kind of like in shock! It is going to be a year and it doesnt feel like it!!! It feels like it just happened! I wish I could change the whole weekend but I know that no matter what I couldnt stop this,, I use to believe everything happened for a reason ,, NOW I dont know what to believe! I come to terms knowing that there was nothing I could have did to stop this ,,,,, but you still cant help but think of what you could have done different that would have made them act or do something different! My husband and I were together for 10 yrs and those yrs were the best time ever for me! I am so glad that I told him that over and over again! I feel so empty now and kind of crazy cause I talk to him all the time! I tell him how much I miss him and just speak to him like he was here wishing he was physically but I know he can hear me so that kind of helps,, but then I wonder how it is on the other side? All the questions that go with that is also something that weighs on my mind! I am telling you I am a wreck! I have 3 boys ages 16, 4, 1 1/2 and they all melt my heart for different reasons! BUT MY 4 YR OLD is the one I feel the most horrible about!!!! He was very close to his dad and is truly heartbroken and confused about why DADDY is in heaven!!!! My poor little guy tries to be strong but it is weighing on his little brain! DAVID I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU KILLED YOURSELF AND LEFT US! MY one prayer is DEAR GOD PLEASE TAKE ME AND MY CHILDREN LET US LIVE WITH YOU AND DADDY WE WILL BE SO VERY HAPPY AND THANKFUL PLEASE DONT LEAVE US HERE!!!
Brenda, I am so sorry for your loss. Here is an exerpt of something that was posted at least a year ago. I read it, and it definitely described me.
How I am Feeling
• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally drained and exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has
happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming.
I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do.
I forget everything except that my love has gone.
• I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be
• Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company.
Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
• Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally
occupied in an attempt to escape.
• Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and
often I will be totally lost.
• Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize
what I don't want.
• I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
• I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
• I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self
control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
• Sometimes it is so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate that you are doing it, so please don't stop.
• I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same
intensity again, as my perspective of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
• I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden
reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.
Dear Brenda ....
We all know how you hurt and you are not alone. Suicide is so difficult to understand. Often it is brain chemistry, but, that does not help loved ones deal with the loss. If you are worried David didn't make it to the other side don't worry because he did. We don't have all the answers when someone dies, but we do know we are all God's children. Get someone to babysit the children (perhaps your parents or a good friend that the children are familiar with) and go see a Pastor and discuss your fears because Pastors are trained in the grief area. It is very important that your oldest child especially see a child psychologist. Your David did not leave you all on purpose and often when people are depressed to the point of taking their own life it is mental peace they seek and it has nothing to do with how you or the children treated David (you told him how wonderful he was and how much you loved him so often.) Suicide is NOT an easy way out as some people like to quip out so easily, but it is difficult. You could not have stopped David from taking his own life because often the person planning too can appear normal and even cheerful and it is generally during that time that they realize they have an escape towards peace and as you know already mental anquish is difficult and he was simply wanting peace. He is there beside you and as you grieve you will come to terms with it believe it or not. My husband Ernie who passed away last year; his 25 year old brother took his own life in 1975 and we didn't have a clue why. It was difficult to accept; the family was never the same, but, in time life became bearable. We all were able to look at pictures of him and laugh over some of the silly antics he use to play on us or we played on him. The story I am about to tell you is honestly true! I don't generally tell such stories and remember, my husband Ernie at the time did not believe in spirits of the dead being with their loved ones. Ernie and I were driving back to our apartment about a year after his brothers death and we were on a busy street stopped at a red light; and both of us were just looking around and there, rushing along on the sidewalk with a rain dark raincoat was his brother waving at us and smiling (the happiest we ever saw him) and Ernie and I were stunned! We would have tried to follow his brother, but traffic was thick and his brother just disappeared. Ernie looked at me and said, 'Did you see what I just saw? I feel better, but I don't want to talk about it.' From then on Ernie was able to get on with his life. This really did happen and Ernie and I kept it to ourselves because we didn't think anyone would believe us. We got the message loud and clear from his brother 'Don't worry about me, I'm OK; I'm at peace and I'm with you.'
I have some information (a link you can go to) that I will look up today explaining how to cope with suicide and how to explain everything to your children without going into too much detail because their minds just can't cope. It is a very helpful article.
Even now I wish God had given me the choice to go with my Ernie as I'm 70 years old, but, that's not how life works and even now I have so many questions I want answers to and I know I won't get the answers to most of those questions. I know there is a reason we are left behind, but that does not lessen the pain we feel. Like myself and many others on this forum you are still in deep shock; you feel like a mountain is on your shoulders because you can't completely express your grieving because of your children; you don't want pity, but at the same time you scream out to have your husband back or, at the very least have someone give you a big hug and tell you that everything will work out (and it will even if you don't feel right now it will.) The feelings you are having during the grief process is very normal.
Please keep coming back to this forum as we are like family and we're all here to try and lessen your burdens. LEAN ON US!!!!
Big hug (wish it was in person)
God Bless and give you and your children peace and strength.