Missing Todd is more than I can bear.

Todd died unexpectedly July 22, and since then chronicologic time has blurred; I am aware that daylight comes and goes, but I cannot tell you what day of the week it is without referring to my calendar.

I have lost my mother and father, and those losses were difficult, but losing Todd has been like having my arms removed. He was my right hand man and my left hand man. We were very, very happy together. Both of us loved to watch gymnastics and ice skating, and neither of us understood football. =-) He was about as nutty as I am and was very quick to forgive my many faults and errors. Where I fell short he strengthened me and propped me up. I miss him so much and I don't yet understand why he had to go.
He died of a coronary embolism. Because I am an RN the hospital allowed me to hold him while life support was removed. I was allowed to wash and bath his tiny little broken body and prepare him for the mortuary.

I dressed him for the viewing, carefully ironing his new white shirt. I put his favorite jacket and tie on him. We have matching diamond rings. I wanted him to keep is on. It comforts me some to know that he still wears the ring I surprised him with. He adored it and cleaned and polished it every day.

Todd's family was and is wonderful to me. They were supportive throughout all of this. But on my side of our partnership, I was alone. Because I come from a very religious Mormon family I had just planned on getting thru the day of the funeral the best I could on my own. My relationship with Toddles was the big elephant in the middle of my family's living room that no one would talk about. To make them more comfortable, Todd and I would take our diamond rings off when my family was around.

My family found out about the funeral.

They came.

All of my siblings made the 200 mile round trip without my knowledge. All of them and their spouses. They are all very, very Mormon. I did not know they were coming. I didn't know why they would come or what they were going to do.
They grabbed me and hugged me tight. They cried with me. They told me that they loved me. And they told me how sorry they were that I lost Todd. They stood by my side, shoulder to shoulder through the service.
After most people left the graveside I was able to see him one more time. I made sure his bow tie was straight, that he had his ring on nicely, and I put three dozen red roses in his arms. I hired a trumpeter to play lofty classical music at the conclusion of the graveside service; it was as if heavenly angels beckoned him home.

I bought three burial plots. One for Toddles, one for his mother, and one for me. I am comforted to know that I have a place next to him when my time comes.
I still cry alot. For hours and hours.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on August 10, 2012 at 1:36pm

Todd, your story brings tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you feel is very real.

When my husband died, I felt like part of my soul had been ripped out. I realized that the death of a life partner is like no other loss. In one moment, your whole life drops out from under you, and there you are in a free fall. I am glad to hear that your family, despite the " elephant in the kitchen", rallied around you.

As for the tears, let them flow. They will help to start the healing process. After the numbness wore off, I did a lot of crying. I know it bothered some people, but that was their problem not mine. Dave died on December 2, 2010, so my soul wound is not as raw, but it's not yet healed.

This is a lonely road we are traveling, and baby steps in the beginning are required. The path is sometimes difficult, but we do go on. This site has been a blessing to many. I realized that what I was feeling was normal. That realization brought comfort. Read the posts, comment, talk about what you are feeling. It is all cathartic. Take all the time you need to grieve. This is an invisible injury, and it takes time to heal.

Give and receive all of the hugs you can. One day, you will think about Todd and smile before you cry.

Take care of yourself as you grieve. Hugs to you, Maggie

Permalink Reply by Julie Larsen on August 10, 2012 at 2:05pm

Brent,

I am so sorry for your loss. My Charlie was buried 17 weeks ago today. He still has the ring on his finger that I put there almost 46 years ago. I will be buried beside him wearing my rings, too.

This is a good place to come when you need to pur yoour soul out.

I wish you some peace. Julie

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on August 10, 2012 at 4:36pm

Brent, so very sorry for your loss. Your relationship sounds wonderful, and it is so hard to be separated from our loved ones. Your words are very touching and I am so glad your family was there to support you. They love you very much indeed. We can only take very small steps, yet we have to take the steps of the journey of grief, as hard as that may be. Crying all you want until those tears stop, or at least slow, is so important, as is just being in the moment. I lost my sweetheart Jack almost 2 years ago now. I miss him so much, yet he is with me, in my heart and my mind and thoughts each moment of each day. This gives me amazing comfort and the strength to go thru my days.

May you be loved and supported and carried through this hard journey. Please come here often, we are here to "listen".

Carol

Permalink Reply by Brent Pettit on August 10, 2012 at 5:57pm

Thank you, Carol. I am very glad to have found this group. Your comments mean so much to me during this new thing called grief. I hope that I can find a way to keep going, as you have. Hugs, Brent

Carol Kayser said:

Brent, so very sorry for your loss. Your relationship sounds wonderful, and it is so hard to be separated from our loved ones. Your words are very touching and I am so glad your family was there to support you. They love you very much indeed. We can only take very small steps, yet we have to take the steps of the journey of grief, as hard as that may be. Crying all you want until those tears stop, or at least slow, is so important, as is just being in the moment. I lost my sweetheart Jack almost 2 years ago now. I miss him so much, yet he is with me, in my heart and my mind and thoughts each moment of each day. This gives me amazing comfort and the strength to go thru my days.

May you be loved and supported and carried through this hard journey. Please come here often, we are here to "listen".

Carol

Permalink Reply by Brent Pettit on August 11, 2012 at 6:16pm

Thank you for the hugs, Maggie, and thank you for writing. I am very sorry for your loss as well. I had no idea that this would be so hard.

Hugs, Brent

Maggie Poxson said:

Todd, your story brings tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you feel is very real.

When my husband died, I felt like part of my soul had been ripped out. I realized that the death of a life partner is like no other loss. In one moment, your whole life drops out from under you, and there you are in a free fall. I am glad to hear that your family, despite the " elephant in the kitchen", rallied around you.

As for the tears, let them flow. They will help to start the healing process. After the numbness wore off, I did a lot of crying. I know it bothered some people, but that was their problem not mine. Dave died on December 2, 2010, so my soul wound is not as raw, but it's not yet healed.

This is a lonely road we are traveling, and baby steps in the beginning are required. The path is sometimes difficult, but we do go on. This site has been a blessing to many. I realized that what I was feeling was normal. That realization brought comfort. Read the posts, comment, talk about what you are feeling. It is all cathartic. Take all the time you need to grieve. This is an invisible injury, and it takes time to heal.

Give and receive all of the hugs you can. One day, you will think about Todd and smile before you cry.

Take care of yourself as you grieve. Hugs to you, Maggie

Permalink Reply by Brent Pettit on August 11, 2012 at 6:17pm

Thank you Julie. I wish peace for you as well.

Hugs, Brent

Julie Larsen said:

Brent,

I am so sorry for your loss. My Charlie was buried 17 weeks ago today. He still has the ring on his finger that I put there almost 46 years ago. I will be buried beside him wearing my rings, too.

This is a good place to come when you need to pur yoour soul out.

I wish you some peace. Julie

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on August 11, 2012 at 10:21pm

Brent,
A friend of mine lost her husband about 2 tears before I lost mine. She was a rock for me. We didn't live close by, but she called me day and night to let me know she was thinking about me. She never asked me how I was, because she knew. Eventually, the calls came less often. One day, when we were talking, I thanked her for being there for me. I realized that I had not been there for her, and said something. Her comment was, how could you have known. I see now that people have no idea of this pain until they are forced to experience it. Some people try to understand, and they will tell you about their own experiences with the loss of a pet, a friend, a relative. I appreciate their concern, but I am sorry, it is not the same. They too have no way of knowing. I would not wish this emotional pain on anybody. How fortunate for them that they dont know. More hugs to you Brent... And to anybody that needs one??

Permalink Reply by Brent Pettit on August 12, 2012 at 8:03am

Maggie,

You have an amazing group of supporters at work! That they check on you nightly is touching. Like you, I had no idea how hard the loss of a spouse has been on those around me until now. I'm terribly in the thick of it all now. I want to get strong enough to help someone else through this . Thanks for your hugs.

Hugs to you, too.

Brent

Maggie Poxson said:

Brent,
A friend of mine lost her husband about 2 tears before I lost mine. She was a rock for me. We didn't live close by, but she called me day and night to let me know she was thinking about me. She never asked me how I was, because she knew. Eventually, the calls came less often. One day, when we were talking, I thanked her for being there for me. I realized that I had not been there for her, and said something. Her comment was, how could you have known. I see now that people have no idea of this pain until they are forced to experience it. Some people try to understand, and they will tell you about their own experiences with the loss of a pet, a friend, a relative. I appreciate their concern, but I am sorry, it is not the same. They too have no way of knowing. I would not wish this emotional pain on anybody. How fortunate for them that they dont know. More hugs to you Brent... And to anybody that needs one??

Permalink Reply by Deb W on August 19, 2012 at 12:34am

Hi Brent,

Reading your story made me cry, as I know your pain and loss. I am happy to hear your family supported you and attended the funeral, I know that brought you some comfort.

My husband passed on June 27th, and I am still trying to process all of the emotional turmoil that comes with the grief of losing my soul mate. His family totally ignored me. That is okay, that is who they are, it doesn't define me. We had 38 blessed years.

Losing a soul mate is a much different loss than lets say for example a parent or sibling or best friend. A soul mate, you share your soul with ,you share every aspect of your life with 24/7. You begin to finish each other's sentences, you know the dislikes and likes of the other person, you walk in tandem because you are united as "one".

Expect to experience emotional highs and lows and in betweens and share your feelings as much as you feel comfortable.

When the lights go down low, the shades are drawn, the evening is quiet, I am left with my thoughts, this is when my tears form. During the day, my facade is that I am doing okay but I am not, I am just existing because the very person who I shared my everything with is no longer with me. I am thrown into this new role of Change being Single, and being alone.

Hugs to you, Brent.
Deb

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on August 21, 2012 at 3:36am

Dear Brent ...

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your soul mate Todd and my heart goes out to you. Your post brought tears to my eyes and I know just how you feel; in fact, all of us on here know how you feel so I do hope you will keep coming back to this site just to share your feelings. I lost my dear husband Ernie April 27, 2011 and to this day I can still cry because wherever I go something reminds me of him. The grief lessens a little bit as time goes by, but, that feeling of losing part of your heart and spirit is difficult to shed. I am so very happy that your family was there for you and that in itself is a true miracle and a blessing. When I get really down I thank God for the time I did have my Ernie with me and remember this quote (no matter how painful it may be) ''tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' Imagine ... many of us have lived with our spouses longer than we have lived with parents or anyone else and it's a blessing in disguise. I know at this point in time it will not help you, but I am beginning to realize just how very lucky I was having known my Ernie for 45 years and married to him for almost 39 years. Some people never get to experience that. I believe our loved ones are in heaven; full of love; grace and peace with no pain and sometimes I have to question myself if I actually am satisfied with that or, is it envy on my part that I feel left behind without my dear one by my side. I am slowly getting over that feeling and realizing Ernie, just like Todd would want us to hold them close to our hearts; the memories, but also to carry the torch for them here on earth. It was time for them to go, but for some reason we are here on earth for a reason and it may take months or a few years to realize what that could be.

Hugs

Marcy

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