My husband died almost a month ago....

Not sure what to say here since I'm new to this. My husband of 41 years died May 14 suddenly of a brain aneurysm. He had never been sick a day in his life, excercised alot, was strong as a horse and ate healthier than anyone I know. I came home from work and found him with slurred speech and he couldn't get up. About 12 hours later he slipped into a coma. 52 hours after it first happened, he was gone. I was totally unprepared for anything like this, as I imagine most people are. I still can't believe he won't be here everyday when I come home. I am a total wreck. I have this feeling that an elephant is sitting on my chest. I cry at the drop of a hat. I had to leave work the other day in tears. Luckily I have a very sympathetic boss. I know the grieving that I have to go through. I had to endure the loss of my dad when I was age 16 and my mom at age 19. But even so, this is so different. I don't know how to do "alone". I have 2 grown and very supportive sons and a wonderful friend. But even when I'm with people I feel alone. I made an appointment today with a counselor to try and get through this. Does anyone have any advice?

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Permalink Reply by Linda G. on June 10, 2011 at 8:28pm

Jo, At my stage of grieving I am not one to give advice, but I can tell you that this site has been good for me. You can write exactly what you feel and most of us on this site know exactly what you are talking about. I am so sorry for your loss. I can honestly tell you I know exactly how you feel. On June 15th my Neal will have been gone 8 months. We were married 40 years 8 months and he was only 60 years old. He was just like your husband about not being sick and strong as a horse. We found out April 27, 2010 that he had lung cancer, September 9, 2010 we were told it had spread to his liver, bones and brain and on October 15, 2010 he lost his battle with the cancer.

Losing a spouse is totally different from losing a parent as you already know. I feel as is I have lost part of myself and my life will never be the same. I also have two grown sons that are very supportive, but I have learned to be an actress in front of them so they will not worry so much about me.

I also tried a counselor, but for me it did not do any good. Maybe I did not have the right counselor. You should be sure and keep your appointment with your counselor as your experience may be entirely different from mine.

I will keep you in my prayers and be sure to come back to this site as there are many wonderful people on here also in our "club". HUGS

Permalink Reply by Jo Bartoszek on June 10, 2011 at 8:54pm

I am so glad to find this discussion. Linda, I know what you mean about being an actress in front of your sons. I don't want them to feel like they have to babysit me. I have been searching for a site like this for the past week and it seems like this is the place where people know what I'm going through. I will let you know how my counselor session goes on Monday. There are so many decisions to be made and even though I was actively involved in our day to day decisions, I feel so helpless right now. I am still in the stage where I can't concentrate and feel like I'm losing my mind. Ismael, my Dave also called me when I was on my way home to say he felt so sick. I thought he must have a virus or something until I got home.

On a good note, we celebrated his birthday, my birthday and Mother's Day on the weekend before he died. Both sons and all 5 grandkids were there and he was so happy. I have a 3 1/2 yr old granddaughter who keeps asking me about "Pa" and why do people have to die. It's hard to explain to a child when I ask myself that.

Thank you all for all the support you can give me and I will keep coming back here. Thank you!

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on June 10, 2011 at 9:09pm

Jo, I have 3 Grandsons and the youngest was 2 1/2 when Neal passed away. Neal called him his "fair haired child" because he has snow white hair. Cameron ask about his "POP" and we told him that POP was in heaven with Jesus. I know he is too young to understand, but for now that satisfies him. Even after almost 8 months Cameron will still ask me "where is POP?" and I just tell him the same thing. I know he will not remember POP, but all of us are all the time talking to him about the things he and POP did.

I know what you mean about not wanting your sons to feel like they have to babysit you. I feel the same way. Every nite for the last 8 months, one of my sons has invited me to dinner with them. Sometimes I go if I feel I just can't stand this empty house, but most of the time, I tell them a little white lie about already cooking my dinner, but thanks anyway.

It has been 8 months and I still can not concentrate. I turn the TV on and just watch but don't see it. I used to love to read books and now I can't seem to concentrate enough to pick up a book.

Hang in there with the rest of us and we will support each other. HUGS

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on June 10, 2011 at 9:43pm

Jo, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 9 months ago. I remember the first couple of months I was just in a daze. I left work many days and went to the cemetery and had a good cry. I couldn't concentrate on my work or anything else for that matter. I still can't concentrate like i should and I keep the tv going just for the noise. I usually have no idea what is on it. I have found that grief is exhausting and it just drains you of your energy.Learning how to do "alone" and how to be me instead of "we" seems to have been the hardest thing for me to do and I am still working on it everyday. I guess my best advice is cry as much and as often as you need to and be gentle with yourself and don't try to do more than your body can handle right now. I will keep you in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on June 11, 2011 at 12:41am

Hi Jo, My Rose died last September. I would love to tell you that there is a way through this without hurting but I wold be lieing. We were married 30 years and our 31st anniversary just passed on June 1st. I still break out in tears spontaneously. Sometimes it feels like I am trying to fill the Grand Canyon using a tea spoon when it comes to the hole in my life. I am also in counseling, and have gone to a grief group, all of which helped but nothing like this site. The support and understanding you will receive here is like nothing you can get anywhere else. Here is where you can come and know that everyone truly understands what you are going through because they are either going through it themselves or have gone through it. It gets better with time but will actually get worse before it gets better. At least that has been my experience. I guess I am doing more venting than comforting and I apologize for that. All the best to you.

Permalink Reply by Jo on June 11, 2011 at 10:10am

Jo,

My husband died Exactly the samr way 10 months ago.he wasn.t sick either,but from the time his speach slurred and the time he died was less than 12 hours.It is unbelievable and so hard to comprehend.You have no tome to say "goodby",you just watch as the headaches get worse,and then the massive stroke that stops his breathing,The Drs. told me it is something called TTP and it is rarely dicovered,until it can't be stopped.Many small strkes and then the one that stopped his breathing.

I still can't wrap my head around it,and still hope I will wake up and life will be back to normal..I'm not sure I could tell you it gets better;it gets different and a month is such a short time.I am glad you have a support system because you will need it.Take your time and don't let anyone tell you how to feel or what you should be doing.This is your grief and only you know how you really feel.You will survive this,but give yourself the time you need to heal.I wish you peace and strenght.

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on June 11, 2011 at 1:13pm

I wish I had something to say other than "I am sorry for your loss!" but what else can be said. I lost my wife of 30 years 2 days after Thanksgiving 2010 after a short battle with 2 Cancers. We had been together since my 18th birthday, she did not make it to her 56th birthday and I was 48 when she passed, life is very empty and meaningless to me now. I struggle daily with the fact she is gone and I am alone, both very uncommon situations for me.

Advice is tough for our condition but try these things:

Stay busy in mind and body, if you are busy you have less time to dwell on the loss

Try to do something for yourself no matter how small everday

Take it moment by moment

Eat something everyday

Talk to someone about your feelings that understands, we are all here for the same reason, we all understand

Before you get to detached from the rest of the world talk to a grief counselor, Hospice has some great people and in most cases will help whether or not your beloved was a client of theirs.

That's really all I have at the moment but I am sure others will be along to add some more.

Hugs and a wish of some happiness and joy to brighten your day a little,

Pete

Permalink Reply by Jo Bartoszek on June 12, 2011 at 9:24am

OK, so Father's Day is coming up....went to my 9 yr old grandson's birthday party yesterday. Oh that alone feeling. I was surrounded by kids having a great time and all I wanted to do was go home and hibernate.

Yes, Pete, I know. We got married when I was 19 and were together 41 years. He was only 64. It's like someone ripped half of me away. Every day when I come home from work and see his car sitting in the garage, my heart jumps for a minute. I'm sorry for your loss also. It must have been so hard for you to see her slip away like that.

I'll be going to a counselor tomorrow and will post as to how it goes. Thanks for all of your well wishes, hugs and thoughts. This really does help.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on June 12, 2011 at 9:38am

Jo,

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had a need to find us here, but you have come to a really good place. We all understand, different stories and different phases of life, but we all get the devastation of this new "normal".

Of course, there are no magic words of wisdom...we just take it one day at a time and sometimes it's one breath at a time...most of all, do what is right for you!

Even after 27 months of this life it's not exactly easier, something inside shifts after time that makes it okay to keep moving and it just becomes manageable.

Hugs and comfort as you make your way on this journey...just know you are not alone.

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on June 12, 2011 at 2:00pm

Hello Jo, I can say, as Linda does to keep your counsellor appointment and keep an open mind. I have had a wonderful experience with mine and she has helped me so much. If you don't connect with the counsellor you should be able to ask for someone else. My father-in-law passed away the same way with a brain aneurysm. He told his wife he had a headache and went to lay down and never woke up. He was supposed to die of bone cancer. We think it was God's way of not having him suffer that pain.

His son and my husband Jack, died of colon cancer at 57 last August. We almost made it to 39 years. I was so looking forward to the rest of my life with him. Sadly it was not to be.

Grief does not have a timetable Jo, and it is baby steps. I am very glad you have an understanding boss, some people here aren't so lucky. Just listen to your heart and know your loved one is watching over you, loving you just from above (it isn't far) and that God is protecting you.

Let us know how the appt goes and take good care of you.

Hugs,

Carol

Permalink Reply by Christy on June 13, 2011 at 9:15am

Hello Jo, I am so sorry for your loss. I have said prayers on behalf of you & your family, which is the best I have to offer you. Peace. Anxiety can be overwhelming at times. My husband was a healthy, strong young man- only 38 yrs. old when he lost his life in a work related "accident" (someones neglect). It has been 9 months & I still have a hard time believing he is not coming back. But, the last time I laid eyes on him he was fine- heading out the door to work that morning. I never saw him ever again. You have found a great resource here full of understanding individuals who know exactly how you feel, what you are going through & what you face. Be patient with yourself. Try to focus on 1 step at a time, don't look to far ahead because it can be stressful & most things end up not being as bad as we expect. Ignore ignorance as much as possible and remember to breathe! Hugs & best wishes today & the days ahead.

Permalink Reply by Jo Bartoszek on June 13, 2011 at 7:54pm

Christy said:

Hello Jo, I am so sorry for your loss. I have said prayers on behalf of you & your family, which is the best I have to offer you. Peace. Anxiety can be overwhelming at times. My husband was a healthy, strong young man- only 38 yrs. old when he lost his life in a work related "accident" (someones neglect). It has been 9 months & I still have a hard time believing he is not coming back. But, the last time I laid eyes on him he was fine- heading out the door to work that morning. I never saw him ever again. You have found a great resource here full of understanding individuals who know exactly how you feel, what you are going through & what you face. Be patient with yourself. Try to focus on 1 step at a time, don't look to far ahead because it can be stressful & most things end up not being as bad as we expect. Ignore ignorance as much as possible and remember to breathe! Hugs & best wishes today & the days ahead.