Not sure what to say here since I'm new to this.  My husband of 41 years died May 14 suddenly of a brain aneurysm.  He had never been sick a day in his life, excercised alot, was strong as a horse and ate healthier than anyone I know.  I came home from work and found him with slurred speech and he couldn't get up.  About 12 hours later he slipped into a coma.  52 hours after it first happened, he was gone.  I was totally unprepared for anything like this, as I imagine most people are.  I still can't believe he won't be here everyday when I come home.  I am a total wreck.  I have this feeling that an elephant is sitting on my chest.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I had to leave work the other day in tears.  Luckily I have a very sympathetic boss.  I know the grieving that I have to go through.  I had to endure the loss of my dad when I was age 16 and my mom at age 19.  But even so, this is so different.  I don't know how to do "alone".  I have 2 grown and very supportive sons and a wonderful friend.  But even when I'm with people I feel alone.  I made an appointment today with a counselor to try and get through this.  Does anyone have any advice?

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Steve, you are so right...the confusion, lack of focus and forgetfulness.  I'm surprised I'm able to function at work.  I find myself crying several times a day but try and hide it.  I'm glad to hear that this is normal. After a month I imagine people are feeling very uncomfortable being around me and not knowing what to say or do.  I got a call from a lady I know somewhat at work who lost her husband a year or so ago.  She called me and has given me her phone number to call her anytime because she knows what I'm going through.  It is helpful but at the same time I find myself wanting to withdraw.  I know I can't do that with my kids and grandkids so I will continue to be strong for them.  Every day there are old and new feelings that appear.  I know it will take time but sometimes I wonder how I will get through that time.  Thanks to all who have responded to me.  It is very helpful.

 

Jo

Jo, So sorry for your loss,  All I can say to you is do what you want to do only when you are ready. We are all different.  I want to volunteer, and give something back to society, but I am still not ready after 12 months, of losing my husband. Everything I do is half heartedly.  I just feel I am a half a person.  I cant even think for myself anymore, have to write down things to remind me, of appointments etc.  It is awful.  I dont like this feeling. Just hang in there, and take it moment by moment each day.   hugs hugs hugs

 

my husband died march 9 2011. almost 4 months ago. i know exactly what you are feeling. my situation is compounded by the fact that 2 months after he passed i had to be caregiver (again) to my 72 year old mother. i have had to shove my grief down inside me to care for her. i have 2 siblings..a sister and a brother. they are both content to let me handle things. it is easier to ignor what i am going through than to take a good look at me and see the emptiness in my eyes. i feel as though i am barely holding on. i have unbridled tears at night when i am alone. when i wake up i put the fake smile on my face to deal with my mother. i feel like a actress playing a role. the pain i feel inside is overwhelming and unbearable. the only support i get is from my 33 year old son. i feel alone. it's like living your worst nightmare!
I'm so sorry for what you are having to go through Lita.  I can't imagine having to take on that responsibility so soon after loosing your husband.  I hope you have some time to take for yourself to grieve.  I know about putting on the fake smile.  I don't want to worry or burden my 2 grown sons with my grief when they are going through it themselves.  I also feel alone...even when I'm with people.  I'm trying to find a grief counseling group but so far the groups are already in session and don't start again til August.  Let the tears flow...they have to come out.  I cry so many times a day I can't even count.  I try and hide it at work.  I cry on my way to and from work and so many times in between.  I agree it is like a nightmare.  My husband died so suddenly that I still can't believe it is true. I don't have much advice for you as my grief is still so raw.   Keep coming here and let it out.  My thoughts are with you.
Well, my first Father's Day has come and almost gone.  We have all gone to visit him at the cemetery.  I've tried to make it a good day for my son that lives with me,  who is a father.  Luckily we've been so busy with his kids activities I haven't had much time to do much thinking.  I'm sure that will come tonight when things calm down.  I've been to the grandkids baseball games, dance recitals, etc but find myself "just being there".  My mind is not there.  I have to make myself concentrate today (like everyday).  When I got the newspaper this morning my 3 1/2 grandaughter saw the comics and said "Pa used to read me these".  I almost lost it in front of her. I know it won't be long before she forgets him because she is so young.  That kills me.  I want all 5 of my grandkids to remember him.  I will keep him in their thoughts but I know at that young age eventually she will forget. He was such a "sucker" for his grandkids, especially the girls since we only had sons.  Anyway, my "counselor" says I should journal.  I guess this board is my way of doing that.  I appreciate everyone's suppoort.

I sit here crying...again...As if losing my Dave is not enough, I've been having knee problems and found out today I may have rheumatoid arthritis.  I've always thought it was osteoarthritis.  Going to the ortho dr. on Thurs.  Just when I thought well that's just what I need now...my oldest son calls and says he's having problems with his wife.  She's a shopoholic and has just put them in debt and he didn't know it.  She had credit cards without his knowledge. It's not the first time.  He's so hurt that she lied to him.  They have been married 15 years and have 3 children.  She was my rock when Dave died.  She took care of everything for me and she is the most wonderful mother, but just when my son did not need this, the other shoe fell.  He's grieving for his father and now has to wonder what to do.  My heart hurts for him.  What would his dad say to him??  I wish I could tell him.  He is such an amazing dad and she says an amazing husband.  I love her but am so mad at her that she could do this and put her family in such jeopardy. I guess when it rains, it pours.  I need Dave to talk to, even though I know it would make him so mad.  He called me because he needed to talk to someone and I felt so inadequate because I'm doing good just to make it through the day.  I try to be strong for him and my other son.  It has only been almost 7 weeks since my Dave left this world.  I do not know what to do.  I know I can't fix this for my son but I don't have anyone to talk to and get advice.  I miss him so much...not just for this but for every hour of every day.  Thanks for listening.

 

Jo

Hi Jo.  Just reading your post.  Sorry about your knees.  Hopefully the doctor says it is osteo.  I have that in my right knee.  Sometimes it is so painful, other times not too bad. Such a frustration sometimes, doing the stairs etc.  That is a difficult one, with your daughter-in-law.  These days that is the last thing someone needs to hear, that they have building cc debt.  It's actually an emotional addiction, the shopping thing, although she may not acknowledge that at all.  If she could acknowledge she has a problem and go to counselling that could be helpful but if she just doesn't want to deal with it and resolve it then it will be so hard because you will want to support your son.  It sounds like you are close with her, perhaps you could talk to her?  I am sure you would hear Dave's voice giving you the words you need.

 

It is times like this Jo that we absolutely miss the strength and the logical conversations that our husbands would provide.  There didn't seem to be anything my Jack couldn't figure out.  Boy I find it hard to discuss issues with our daughters too.  Because I struggle to say the right thing or what I think they need to hear, based on what their dad would say.   It is not easy:(

 

Good luck Jo...prayers are with you.  Hope your knees feel better too. 

Hugs.

Carol

Well, it's been 7 weeks now....not much has changed.  I still cry at the drop of a hat, feel lonlier than I ever thought I could and our family vacation is coming up in 6 days.  I am so apprehensive about that.  I had all 5 of my grandkids for a sleepover last night.  As much as I love them and love having them around,  I felt so sad all the time. Do you ever feel like you are just coming out of your skin??  I've adopted a sweet, sweet shelter dog who gives me such love and she helps me so.  But I don't thing anything can help...at least yet. I hope I don't ruin my kids and grandkids vacation.  I'm going to try and not do that but without Dave, I don't know how I will be able to get through it. All I want to do is go to bed and pull the covers over my head.  My counselor has not been much help.  I'll only see her a couple more times since those are the free visits from my work.  In my head I know only time can heal but I don't know how I can get to that time. 
Oh, by the way, still don't know about the arthritis.  Don't have an appt with a rheumatologist yet but ortho did give me injection in the knee so hopefully I will be ok walking on vacation for a while.  He said only other option is knee replacement.....NOT!  I certainly can't deal with anything like that in the near future. I had a very painful shoulder surgery last year and couldn't have gone through that without Dave.  I'm only (ha) 61 years old. 

Hi Jo,

  I am so very sorry for your loss.  Like each of us, you are here trying to make sense of our new "life".  My fiance and I had been friends for over 44 years.  We each had first marriages - mine of 28 years and his of 34 years - mine ending in 2002 and his in 2007.  We "found" each other in mid-2007, and it was like finding a long-lost friend for each of us!!  Our first date was not like a "date" . . we could talk about our families, and we knew each other's families; so we spent our time catching up on the past 44 years!!  We went everywhere together and spent every minute of time together!!  My Mom had died in August 2006.  She had lived with me for 14 years since my Dad passed away and since my divorce in 2002, and I was feeling so lost without her!  My Dad had passed away in 1992.  So I know the feeling of losing each of my parents.  My love was diagnosed with colon cancer with metastasis in April 2008.  We spent the next year going once weekly for chemo treatments and with him doing very well until May 2009.  The doctor told us that the chemo treatments were not working and that there was nothing else medically they could do . . that was hard!  Neither of us have children, so we had only each other on whom to depend.   Thank goodness I had retired in March 2006 to be home with my Mom while she was ill, and was only working part-time when he and I started traveling.  Then one day I had asked to be off so he and I could go to the beach the next weekend--was told that I needed to decide whether I wanted to work or travel.  I am so glad that I was able to tell my boss, who is a great lady, that she knew why I was doing that and that I didn't have to work - I was quitting effective with the end of the week!  This was about 16 months before he passed away -- I thank God to this day that I was able and did quit my job at that time!!  I would not take anything for the next months that we spent together!!    To this day, I still have "bad" days -- days when I cry so very easily and when I am just very quiet.  Losing my baby was so very different from the loss of my parents . . I loved both of my parents dearly, but my love for him was a different kind of love!!  Please take care of yourself.  Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve . . through all the different stages of grief.  I can say that right now is not as bad as it was in June 2009, but the loss will never go away.  Try to remember the beautiful memories you created as a couple -- and at first they will hurt to remember, but it does get easier to remember the good times.  I still feel that I am "alone in a crowded room"!!  God bless and keep you . . thank goodness we all have this site to come to!!  Everyone here knows how you feel, and are here to listen any time you need to vent.  Hugs to you -- hugs are good!! 

Hi Jo....hey I am only, yup, 61 too!!  and I was told a long time ago before knee surgery..."oh you will be a good candidate for knee replacement surgery"....me too....NOT likely, no way!  I had to have surgery a couple of months ago.  I was terrified.  Thank goodness for my sister, who is a retired nurse, she stepped in and took great care of me.  I cried and cried with the nurse interviewer, telling her how alone I felt going through this without my hubby, so I can relate.

 

I really hope you are able to relax a little and enjoy your vacation Jo.  I know it won't be easy, but maybe some 'alone' time combined with some family time will make it fun for you.

 

Take care,

Carol

Jo Bartoszek said:

Oh, by the way, still don't know about the arthritis.  Don't have an appt with a rheumatologist yet but ortho did give me injection in the knee so hopefully I will be ok walking on vacation for a while.  He said only other option is knee replacement.....NOT!  I certainly can't deal with anything like that in the near future. I had a very painful shoulder surgery last year and couldn't have gone through that without Dave.  I'm only (ha) 61 years old. 
Jo, I hope you can enjoy a little bit of your vacation, but don't expect to much take it slow.My husband passed the end of april 2009 and we already had our vac. planned as it is a yearly thing to the shore in july as much as i wanted to go i had severe doubts and sure enough i couldn't do it i stayed one day and came home leaving everyone else there.They couldn't understand but i had to do what was right for me.Last year was better and now as we get ready to go again I'm just greatfull we can continue to do and enjoy what he started so many years ago.This year will be  special because I will be continuing the old as I move forward with the new life and new memories I am making with a very sweet careing man who knows the pain. We know we are not replacing our spouses but are choosing to live untill we are reunited.You are still sooo very earley in your loss 7 weeks. wow so much in a fog and in limbo I cringe thinking back to those times it's amazing any of us get thru a day let alone months then they turn to yrs.We will never get over the loss and pain but we do learn to fuction how is still a mystery as you see i'm still here 27 months later even tho i'm in a new relationship and am able to enjoy and share life again I can't imanage what or where I would be if still alone. Be kind and easy with yourself this will be a life long loss that will never be forgotten.Hugs to all 

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