Hi Everyone, I wrote my 1st post a couple of days ago which told my whole story of the Loss of my fiance on August 1, 2017 & was referred to this group, & am not sure if I even am in the right group. I was living with my fiance for almost 3 yrs, when i first met him I was living in an area very unknown to me & was very alone Im from NYC & moved way upstate near Canada, where there woods and mountains & didnt like it at all & almost like i was in another world. I met my fiance where I was and when he first talked to me I heard that NYC accent and thats what made me feel thank God I finally met someone from ny and we started to click immediately and one thing led to another but before we ever made love we were more of close friends he wud cook for me every nite and made cafe for me every morning and we grew closer and closer soon he was driving me places (i didnt own a car up therre) and helped me with everything and before long i was with him everyday and he woud come to my apt after dinner every nite and we wud cuddle and watch movies on my bed. We soon became lovers but he did give me forwarning that i should know first gambling comes first and that he was never loyal to any woman or fathful., except when he loved her & claimed he always feel like in love when he has sex with a woman and i replied thats lust not love & lust is ok but dont last love continues and can grow stronger and different than lust. Anyway our relationship continued and we did have seperate apts then and i hated when he wud leave or when i wud leave but he insisted until it became more evident we were staying over more and more. He said he was falling in love with me and was very scared because he was just out of one 8 mos ago still cud not let go of his resentments to his wife whom then he was divorced 10 yrs and saw he still had alot of baggage and i am in AA and sober 31 yrs but still did not know much abt gambling or knew any. But saw the signs of what happens when any disease progressed esp since ive been in AA. His dream since being a kid was to live in Saratoga Springs NY & he did move there eventually and asked me what would u do, my heart sank when he didnt even mention bringing me but held back my saddness and said i wud not care if someone offered me a Penthouse in Tribeca, NY on the 20th Floor with a doorman anemmities everywhere facing the Hudson River and the rent was 300.00 a month(which is never) i wud not leave a person I loved deeply unless they were planning on joing me and stayed a little while longer to work and clean up what was left and had my name in the lease too. Well he left anyway, and i lived on top of a mountain isolated with no vehicle and was numb the day he moved to saratoga wished him well and wondered now what?? I loved him so much, how could he just leave me alone isolated with no vehicle to get to work or go anywhere & exclaimed he wud have me down there with him within two weeks. Well that did happen only because his car was totally out of commission I hadca weekly rental to go to nyc and went to help him without him having a car letting him hv it until he anither one he got another lemon and was there fir him the whole time everyone in his new bldg said that woman is a diamond to do what she did for u, treat her good. And the hunt began for a seperate apt somewhere around there & saw it was such a waste i didnt hv a car yet how was i supposed to get anywhere to cut to the chase he finally said ok lets move in together he was so rimantic to me and contantly said we are never going to be alone again or seperated & wanted me to be his wife, at first I thgt i was hearing things but he said it quite iften until he passed away he would say I want you to becmu wife i really dint want to be alone i love every part of u ( he never said that b4 and used to bother me abt my weight he would say i want u to be mrs Pxxxxxxx and lets plan for it maybe in ur bday needless to say i loved him so much i wud hv given my life for his. Down the line heas still
Saying that but chsnged he wasnt funny anymire and we arguing more i was even packing tonleave him and cud not believe this he started to cry and begged me to stay(he definately was not the type to ever do that) but then inknew he really did love me and stayied. As time went on i had a partime job got ss & pens he got ss and i thought we were doing fine but it was 2 yrs ago my hip started to hurt real bad bonecon bone & it got much worse and grew much worse fast so i had 3 opinions & choose the hosp for special surgery in nyc to do it because their reputation was impeccable and the best in thecworld upstate was just the opposite The day I was cleared fir surgery i drove to nyc but my fiance seemed extremely aggatatted angry and i drove to nyc and the dr asked if he was ok this was an orthopedist one week later i was scheduled for surgery he had at heart attack so i immediately cancelled the surgery stayed at his side for 5 days drs thgt he was not going to make it he had a quadruple bypass 25 yrs agi and never had a oriblem since except 25 yrs later & i sat by his bed crying and oraying for 4 days straight until my hip got so bad i cud no walk more than a few steps a miracle happened for him he woke up his heartbeat stabilized & went home in another 3, days i personally thgt going home that fast after being so close to death but a wonderful miracle myself in the ither hand had to get my hip fixed i cud barley walk. I did hv the surgury and the dr said if u waited anymore ur pelvis was cracking. Needless to say i had to stay in nyc for almost a monthe because i cud not go back to saeatoga because my body cud not tske a 239 mile ride but wanted to in 3 wks for some unknown reason Fx said wait until ur better so i was shipped around from nyc to nj and to a hotel even went to fla came back stayed in a hotel (ths was all because fxx said now he had to take me off the lesse he owed back rent needed help & said he wud get it only if my name was off lease., & cud only come there for one day if i wanted to get some of my stuff plus hecwas taking care if my cats, & was lierally dying to just go home & finally did for one day the mgr said ur not on leasecu hv to go in 24 hrs i thgt it was going to
Mybe 3 and after that we both agreed thatvwe both were going to go our own ways but knewxi still loved him so and why did this have to happen but yet thatone night there i felt so loved my two cats one doing head butting and kissing me with his cold nose for hrs on ine side and my maine coon whom was purring and spooning with me on the other and then later my xfiance came in saying im still so attracted to you and still love u but we arent good for each other and wanted to make love but told him this will only hurt more afterwards and kissed me and was lost then once shain telling me lets get married i dont want to be alone i want to be with u the rest if my life as Mrs Pxxx and kept saying lets just do it!!! Lets not wait anymore lets go to the court tommorow and just do it we r not in our 20s anymore u never know what can happen so lets just do it tommorow or very soon i felt in my gut something that wud either take me away from him or something was going to happen soon to one of us, but the next day i had to leave drive all the way back from saratoga sorings to Lakeview nj. He said i still was not walking good & he wud take care of them longer and they looked so good he said just take some clothes and come back next week. Next week never came he was getting mire and more mean, cruel and abusive. Until it got so bad i wud put him on block he said such horrible things and to get my stuff and my cats but wud hv to leave the same day by myself with no help when just weeks ago my cousin and wife were willing to drivecme therevgetvthe stuff and help me with cats that time he called her back and refused saying some stupid excuse this all could hv been taken months ago plus i needed rest and be with my babies and just get pt and be healed by now and just rest. I never sw him again after that one time since 3/9/2017 when i had the surgery (he was not there because of just having that heart attack plus it wud hv been too much for him going to nyc and the stress of the whole surgery. He blamed me for his heartattack and said real crazy stuff on the phone saying how much he hated me & he thought i was giving him poison and wasxgoing to hosp to test his blood for poisoning and if there was one trace he would say i gave it to him ( i thought he ws on something and hadnt seen me in 3 mos and he also said he left directions to mgr incase he dies i was so disturbed and rec a ph call the next morning from the mgr that F passed away last nite . I was so in shock i cried my eyes out, this man, who was so strong had so many miracles how did he die??? She told me his family was very mad at me esp his son but fir what?? I never expected him to die b4 me he seemed so strong so healthy but his heart was a mess and he complained all week that he was really scared he could not breathe and had chest pains for over a week he never ever complained of not being able to breathe and wanted to be there so much because i know if i was there he would never have walked around a week with symptoms like that i wud hv taken him to his hosp that is one if the top hosps for cardiac care, that had his drs, that he was supposed to go and see on aug 4 to c if his heart got stringer or put in a pacemaker. Im devasted and in shock from his death and oeople who knew him ir met him just ince when i told them they just looked into my eyes for minutes and their eyes would fill with tears even in nyc my friends who only met him once or twice even knowing the problems he was giving me all started to either hug me or cry because this man had such an aura around him such a tower of strengh about him survived miracles that were completly unexplanabke woke up out of a heart attack where his heart went down to 40 beats a min and they were only going to give him 3 days or take him off ventilar maybe all mt orayers sitting next to him in dire pain with my hip but didnt care oraing for God to take my life for his, kissing his face, kissing his hands, forgetting all the fights disagreements seemed so far off so unimportant now all that mattered was for him to live and on the 2nd day his heartbeat went up and up
And stayed normal for a week without the ventilar breathing on his own in one day and home in a week driving the next day tomme that was a major miracle but after that he woke up
Much crueler much more meaner and i thought he wud hv such gratitude for being alive then in 2 wks i had my surgery and only saw him once since my surgery begging him to come back in the end i was at the end if my rope going from house to house to live it turned out my last cousin told me to go to this assted living place temporarily get physical therapy and leave atleast u will hv a roof iver ur head. This place where i ended up did send me for atlesst 15 sessions if pt but the plce itself was a complete nightmare and all i wanted was to gonhome be with my cats and him, but with him even knowing the horrible place i was residing (one step over a shelter and they take my whole ss ck F knew this for weeks but only got worsecand worse saying such horrible thing and now wanted me to come to saratoga get the cats my painting my clothes my furniture my oersonal items and do it myself because no one believed him and they were sick and tired of his cancelling and now had no one to help me had to get a small truck drive there and he saud there was no way i was staying there and said i had to drive back to nyc same day that wud be abt 8 hrs if driving and almost 600
Miles plus moving my iwn stuff with a bad hip and taking the two cats and wanted it done fast and didnt care if i had to sleep in the car or the street he just wanted my stuff out and he might leave everything in front of his door in boxes open the door a few inches and oush out the cats in their cases and close the door i did not understand where or why all this hate came from i loved him so much, i was so good to him, i was loyal maybe too loyal, i was alwaysctherecfor him wud go to the ends of the earth for him helped him so much financially which he probably gambled wher was the man who wanted to marry me just a few weeks ago whi said he loved me so much just 3 weeks ago and then passes away without reason in a hosp closeby thats not known for being good and truly believe if he wud hv let me just come back after surgery i wud hv brought him to the other hosp much sooner and he might have still been alive and i wud never had to go thru so much stress so much going from one place to another some were nice but felt like i was intruding nit getting any ohysical therapy ending up in a place that i should have never be in with so many mental cases, street people, criminals, molestors, alot of suicides and takes all ur ss before he died he knew about this, if he really lived me why would he let me stay in this horrir movie i am basically homeless had to go back to saratoga to getting my kitties giving me only 10 mins to get everything which was impossible even with help (the cats looked so good so healthy) he took great care of them even thonhe kept telling me he had no miney to feed them they were starving and tank god that wasnt true they were well fed and even had goid food but didnt have any time to get my paintings 14 large abstracts i did in oils and acrylics someone took them all down plus my clothes or anything if mine & was told i cud come back within 24 hrs and get another 10 mins. Who was she kidding i cud not rent a car anywhere the last minute all were booked and got last ticket on amtrack had to leave nyc at 4am came back at 1am with my two cats . When i went into our apt the apt was so dead so sterile and he was only dead a day even the bathroom had nothing in it but a shower curtain nothing else and wondered if his son was there already or if this was the way he lived so dead like and know atleast i made that apt lively and alive. After that so far i am such mood swings i miss him so much even though he didnt treat me right after his heart attack and ket me go from one place to another and knew i was in a dangerous place but didnt care. I am still tring to find out the causecof his death and assume it was his heart. But his family will not tell me ir answer my ohone calls they blame me fir his death he blamed me for his heartattack andsome of the mgmt in the bldg we both lived in acted mad to me and asked me why didnt i come befoe why did i nit come back why did i wait so long why??? I wud have been there atleast 3 wks after my surgery and never left sometimes i feel its his fault too that this all happened because he did not want me anymore he said sometimes i get so angry at him saying out loud crying u killed both of us u died and im not living this has been a living death and had u nevee dine this we wud have such a great life that apt was beautiful that car was brand new (he only bought used cars that fell apart and needed sonmuch work he spent more than leasing a car a woman who was so there for him amd did everything he ever wanted who gave him all my love all my soul and all my life i cry sometimes so much because there is no closure here i dont even know how he really died ehat was the cause of his death, i assume it was his heart why didnt he go to his hosp when he knew the other one was not good did he die alone why didnt he call me he was there? Did he really think i was poisoning him?? That so crazy i wasnt therecin 3 mos why did he drop a ltr telling thecmgr right befire this crazy poison thing the same time as calling me telling her if something happens to him for her to take control of the cats im sorry for such a long comment but right now im living in hell i have to go get an apt somehere i have to go get my cats from this girl they are so traumatized like i am at such a great loss this man was truly my tower of strength i just dont understand any of his passing away his cruelness at the end the not letting me come back and feel anger at the stupidity of making that decision because in a way he killed both of us and he is in a much better place than i am the place is a living death i still love him so much and see now so much he did do for me but never realized it until now i want him to takecme by the hand and just be with him forever and go where he is and just love him and wherever he is i hope hecrealizes now how much i love him and still do There just has been too much loss abandonment grief trauma stress pain sadness betrayl why did this happen? I need help with this and closure thanks for listening to a long long comment Linda

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