Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Harold McKinstry on January 11, 2017 at 2:37pm

Brenda

I'm So Sorry for your Loss, I lost my Wife Diane it will be 1 year the 29th of this month. I wish there were easy answers to your questions and ways to ease your Heartache, I could use them on me too. We were Married 12 years i"m 64 second marriage for the both of us. Like you she was my everything, the first women that Loved me unconditionally, not for what she could get out of me or change me into. Death is always cruel but especially in your case with you beating Cancer him losing his first wife and dying of Cancer. If like most you will be in shock for awhile, all you can do is go day by day. I found it was essential for me not too look too far ahead, started out hour by hour, day by now I can think to the summer. Right now the future looks pretty bleak looking too far ahead will send you into worse depression. Let your emotions and feelings go where they need too. Don't let anyone else tell you how you should feel or act. If you try to hold back and control your emotions it will make things worse for you in the long run. Posting on here was and still is one of the best things I did for myself, whatever you are feeling, doesn't matter nobody will judge you. I have found a great loving second family online, they are always here to offer understanding and support when you need it. We are all after the same thing, getting through and helping others get through the worst pain imaginable. All you can do is try to put one foot in front of the other and just make baby steps. Try to get out and do the so called right things, to the best of your ability. Please lean on us whenever you need too, we will always be here for you. 

Permalink Reply by brenda may on January 11, 2017 at 6:41pm

Thank you Harold,I guess I have opened up about my feelings on here more today than I have too any one sense Dales passing.I remember almost every word Dale has said to me.I'ts amazing how they come flooding back too you when their gone.He would say Precious..I wont be able to help the neighbors much with their yards this spring.I will be helping my sweetheart with her flowers and only doing my own yard.I would say that's right honey.He would say I need to spend more time with my precious,You know we were together most of the time and I wouldn't have changed any of it.At this point I really have to forse myself to go too the mailbox.Thanks for listening Harold.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on January 11, 2017 at 2:55pm

Dear Brenda ...  My deepest condolences on the loss of your sweet husband.  I know life isn't fair and in your case both of you found each other and started a new life together and I know that feeling of shock when your spouse passes away.  God meant for both of you to meet even if it was for a very short time and I know these words mean nothing, because at the present time I'm sure your mind in reeling wondering 'Why now, why us.'  All of us here are asking ourselves the same questions and it's frightening to be facing the world without our spouses by our side.

My dear husband passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer.  We knew each other 45 years and just missed our 40th wedding anniversary.  We unfortunately couldn't have children, but we poured our love into nieces, nephews and a Goddaughter.  We were extremely close as well and did much together, yet we also encircled ourselves socially with family and friends.  We looked forward to our retirement years and never guessed that he would pass away.  He was 6' 6" tall and almost 4 years younger than me and I always thought for some reason it would be me that passed away first.  I am retired, alone, small immediate family and at first many friends gathered around to be there, but like you sometimes I preferred just to be alone and try to make sense of what happened and why.  There is no answer to 'why' hon and I have ceased to try to figure it out.  Now I am just happy to have had him in my life for those years and he made me a better person so I go ahead in life as best I can and carry his memory close to my heart.

Grief seems so unfair and the most painful emotional experience anyone can go through in their lifetime.  When our spouses passed on we feel as though a great part of ourselves went with them.  We cry, some can't sleep or sleep too much, some retreat from life for a little while and others bury themselves in their children or work.  Everyone goes through a series of feelings differently when it comes to grief.  Crying is a good thing and actually relieves the tension we feel and if you can sleep do so as much as you need too as it's healing for the mind and body.  Reach out to someone in your family or a good friend and express how you feel.  Grief counseling either by going to a Hospice Grief Group (some churches also offer group Grief Counseling which I went to and found it helpful) or if you prefer see a Psychologist that deals with grief.  Also Legacy is a wonderful place to come and it certainly saved my life.  So many angels on this forum reached out to keep me afloat and it helped to know others understood my pain and loneliness.  No one judges another on here and it's a good place to heal. 

As cruel as grief is it's a necessity in life and although we feel we can't go on grief somehow makes us stronger than we ever thought we could.  Remember your dear husband said he would be waiting for you when it was your time to go and I believe that with all my heart.  I also believe he's right there next to you watching over you and giving you the strength to move on.

Please keep posting here and just express your feelings because we're all here for you hon.

Big hugs

Marsha

Permalink Reply by brenda may on January 11, 2017 at 6:20pm

Thank you so much Marsha,before I had met Dale I was coming out of a 27 year marriage that by all rights I had the right to end the first year,I had been divorced for 3 years when I met Dale,I never thought there was such a love as I had never had it before in all those years.Dale had shown me all the love I had ever known except the love I know through being a child of GOD,and I know he is in a much better place than you or I but my human nature and mind longs to be with him in heaven,but I know I must remain here until GOD calls me home.I have a wonderful church family.a beautiful daughter who lives 3 hours away a great sonilaw a beautiful 2 and 1/2 yr old grandson and one on the way in March.Dale loved them dearly and treated her as his own.People often thought we had been together for 20 years or more.Sometimes I think we put ourselves in relationships but when GOD puts two together it's as close to perfect as it gets.Thank you so much Marsha.

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on January 11, 2017 at 5:26pm

Brenda......I have tears in my eyes and a pain in my heart as I read this.  Friday will be the one year anniversary of my husband's death.  I'm 51 years old and was with him for 30 years so he was literally my ENTIRE life for my entire adult life.  I fully understand how you feel.   My life ended the day I lost my husband and my existence began.   You say you long for the day you see him again....I feel the same way.  My husband Ken is still my future, just in a different way than was planned.  I look forward to reuniting with him.   All of the feelings and emotions you have are normal.  If you don't have anyone in your personal life that has lost a spouse, then please come here for the support you need.  Unless you've been in this position, you cannot understand the deep pain felt by a widow/widower.  Here on this site you can talk to people going through the same thing and won't say the silly things people tend to say like "he's in a better place".  (I hate that one).  If you read through the Bereaved Spouses wall, you'll see all our posts and maybe it will help a bit to know you're not alone, you have us now.

Hugs,

Sara

Permalink Reply by brenda may on January 11, 2017 at 6:30pm

Hi Sara,I am also 51,and I do believe with all my heart that Dales face will be the first I see as I get too heaven one day but he also thought I had alot of life to live yet.He had been sick for a few months but GOD didn't allow him to suffer long and I am thankful for that.I had to be so strong for him I thought for so long I never once cried.Then after the funeral was over I came home,my daughter and soninlaw stayed 2 nights with me and I was almost glad when everyone left me alone,then that night it hit me like a ton of brick..My other half is gone,I will never be able to be held by him feel his gentle touch smell him see his smiling face again.And I dont mind saying I dont know where I would be without crying out too GOD to give me peace.Thanks for listening Sara.

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on January 11, 2017 at 9:54pm

It's hard because people don't know what to do for us.  Unfortunately in the beginning they end up smothering us by not wanting to leave us alone that we don't have 2 minutes to even process anything for ourselves.  They also don't realize we could be in a mansion with 100 people and still be alone because the other half that made us whole is not beside us any longer.  Eventually they all have to get back to their own lives which is when we start to break down and it's much needed.  You have to cry, kick and scream to get the feelings out.  And yes, just a trip to the mailbox can be such a chore. 

My husband, Ken was sick also and he did suffer.  The worse thing in the world is watching the person you love most suffer and not be able to do anything.  I actually was finally able to do something by donating a kidney but God decided to call him home anyway.  I know that was God's plan all along.  Sick or healthy, from the moment he was born, that was the day he was going to be called home.  It doesn't make it any easier knowing this though.  I hope you can find some peace by coming here.

Permalink Reply by Harold McKinstry on January 11, 2017 at 8:48pm

Brenda 

I have always been a typical guy with my feelings, don't show too much. Diane did get me to just listen and not try to fix everything. With time since Diane death I have seen that I need to get the feelings out. After a while friends don't want to hear as much feel you should be moving on. I have always felt safe and welcomed here this site has helped me the most of anything. I hope it will be the same for you. 

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on January 12, 2017 at 4:38am

Sara ...  What a great post you left and I can certainly understand what you mean.  Being with a group of people and still feeling alone is what I call, 'The elephant in the room' and that would be me.  I often feel sad because most have spouses and I just don't seem to fit in and have trouble striking up a conversation which never bothered me when Ernie was around, but now that he is gone part of my life has gone with him and I simply don't know what to talk about much of the time and feel I'm out of sync with the rest in the room. 

I also understand how you would feel smothered with too many people trying to help when you mind is reeling from shock.  No matter if our spouses passed from a terminal disease the end is not the end until they pass on.  My experience was that I had so many people trying to visit me, rallying around, phoning and I could hardly utter two words without bursting into tears.  I still felt at that time that Ernie was coming through that door.  The shock just hadn't worn off.  Then after a year little by little friends of 40 years or more basically dumped me because they didn't know what to do with me as they all had spouses.  I remember at Grief Counseling the Counselor warned us of that.  Like you said, just when we really need the support these people get on with their lives.  They don't know the deep pain we feel, the loneliness, desperation, sometimes the lack of dignity and fear of the future.  Their lives are normal.  Every time Ernie and I went to a funeral we would offer our condolences, but stand back patiently just instinctively knowing that person would need more support once the shock had worn off and Ernie and I were there 100%. 

Ernie also suffered a great deal from his pancreatic cancer which reached his liver and I know the terrible feeling you had wanting to help Ken and believing as I did that we could beat this too by some miracle.  I found that I suddenly wasn't in control of the situation and that frightened me more than anything else.  Thankfully Ernie told me he knew I'd done everything possible and I am sure Ken did as well.  They didn't want to leave us anymore than we wanted to see them leave and this is why I truly believe they are still around us in spirit giving us strength and helping us to go through the grief and onto the road of recovery and some sort of future.

How courageous of you to give Ken a kidney and I was in tears when you said God had other plans.  I prayed and prayed, but it did nothing to help Ernie and I was bitter about that for a long while.  Now I realize Ernie would want me to go on and be happy and one day we'll join them.  That's what keeps me going.

I believe with all my heart there is a future for all of us and although our loved ones will always have a piece of our heart we still have that half of a heart to move forward and start a new life as best we can.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on January 12, 2017 at 4:46am

Brenda ...  already we have something in common.  I was married before as well to not a very nice person and I filed for divorce after 4 years and should have never married him (the red flags were up and I chose to ignore them.)  After 5 years I was introduced to Ernie by a male friend of both of ours and it's as if Ernie and I were soul mates and picking up where we left off.  Our marriage wasn't 100% perfect, but it was strong and full of love and we were extremely close.  How sad it is when people such as us have a second chance and we lose the person we are so in love with.  There are no answers to 'why did this happen.'

I am happy to hear you are surrounded by love with family and that does help soften some blows.  In time I do promise that the pain you feel from the loss of Dale will still be there, but you will be able to cope better and deal with it.  I have found ways of celebrating the life we had together.  Every special occasion (crazy or not) I get him a card and place it on the top of his box of ashes in my living room curio cabinet.  On Valentine's Day and our wedding anniversary I get a helium balloon, write messages on it with a marker and take it to our favorite place and let it fly up into the clouds towards my dear heart.  No matter where life takes me Ernie will always be part of me just like Dale will always be part of you.

Thank you for sharing your feelings Brenda and I hope we are all helping you through the bumps of this journey of grief.

Hugs

Marsha