Not really knowing where to start, so I guess I'll start at the beginning.  (IN MY PICTURE CHRISTOPHER IS THE ONE ON THE LEFT AND I AM ON THE RIGHT)

Christopher (my spouse) and I had met back in January of 2004.  I was 21 and he was 20.  From that day on we were a strong force, loved each other deeply, were looked as an inspiration to all of our young gay friends and of course we looked forward to spending the rest of our lives together.  The beginning was a little rough with our families.  Neither one of us had ever brought someone home for them to meet, especially another guy.  After a few months of struggles with them, we ended up having a great support from both of our families and they each took the other in as one of their own.  We had nothing but our future together to live and love.

 In 2010, we bought our first home.  We had two pets at the time, Jovi a yellow Lab and Ralphy a Beagle.  It was our own little nest to really start the next stage of our life.  We couldn't have been happier.  Now I'm not trying to make it sound like everything was always rosy.  Like every couple we had our struggles, our ups and downs but now looking back, I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

Fast forward to September 23, 2011.  We have an amazing commitment ceremony at our home, with both of our families, extended families, and friends.  It was an amazing moment for the both of us.  We couldn't have been surrounded by anymore love and support that day.

After our ceremony we started to have a very bumpy road.   It was the hardest of our years.  I know it was a combination of all of our new responsibilities, my partner Chris not working, my need to be able to control certain areas of my life that I wasn't able to anymore and some family problems.  It seemed like our world was imploding.  We pushed through all of this as best as we could but it got to such a bad point in June, 2013, that I decided to not live at home for a while.  I wanted my partner Chris to get his shit together, get a job, and show me that we were in this together.  Maybe me moving out wasn't one of my best decisions at the time but I was at the end of my rope.  Throughout all of this, I never stopped loving Chris.  He was my first and only true love, my soul mate and I've always known this.  We met when we I was 20 and I am now 30.  We grew up together.  We envisioned ourselves being those old men sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch reminiscing about our younger days.  I still wanted that and I wanted that with him.

After my move, he started to shape up.  He obtained a job, and was starting to be a productive person in life.  He was taking care of his responsibilities without me having to do it for him.  It was impressive.  I spoke with his father on July 14, 2013 and his father said this is the best he's seen Chris over the past couple years and that Chris was determined to fix our relationship. 

He loved me deeply and I knew this.  He definitely loved me harder than I loved him and I loved him hard.  His love for me was apparent to everyone who met us.  People would tell me how much Chris loved me.  Chris taught me what it was to love and be loved.  

So, on July 17th, 2013, I had received a phone call from his father around 11:15 am.  I wasn't able to answer because I was in a meeting with clients.  I then heard my phone buzz, signaling that I received a voice mail, then another buzz that I received a text message.  As I started to open my phone, I had a very bad feeling.  Now, at this time Chris's grandfather had been very ill so my mind automatically went there.  Then I listened to the voicemail, and his father said to me in a very quivering voice to call him back ASAP, that it was very important.  At this point I started shaking because it felt like my worst nightmare was coming true.  I remember calling his father back and him saying, "Chris passed away sometime throughout the night."  These words will always haunt me.  I don't remember much of what had happened after that, I know my friend Jen had came and picked me up from work, took me to the house Chris and I shared and that the medical examiner had already taken him out of the house and to the morgue.  UNIMAGINABLE!!!  This is my worst nightmare unfolding in front of me.  

The medical examiner determined that Chris had a grand mal seizure in his sleep and passed away.  Now Chris had a seizure approximately 5 years prior to this and they were not able to determine why it had happened.  I still can't make sense of any of this.....

The days following started to make things more and more real.  Picking out a grave plot, a coffin, clothing; all for my husband, my soul mate, the person I was supposed to share the rest of my life with.  A NIGHTMARE!  ONE GIANT NIGHTMARE!!! 

His parents, older brother, sister-in-law and myself are finding our support from each other.  They are my connection to Chris and I am there's to him.  Every day since July 17th, 2013 has been terrible.  I cannot remember what I did the day before, every day is frustrating, saddening, and for the first time in my life I actually feel sorry for myself.  It hurts me that we weren't at the best place in our relationship when this happened.  Not that it would of been any easier but, it makes my guilt much more apparent.  The what if's play in my head.  I know I shouldn't think of the what if's but I do.  I'm allowed to, I'm entitled to. 

It's been nearly two months since I lost my Christopher and each day is just as bad as the next if not worse.  I know they say it takes time and I do believe that but the hurt and sadness is consuming.  I'm 30 years old and widowed.  That's just not right. 

It's tragic how sudden he went.  I never had my last chance to say "good bye" or "I love you".  Now I am approaching what would have been our 2nd Anniversary on September 23rd.  I am dreading this day coming.  I have built up such anxiety approaching this day.  My sadness has worsened knowing that this day is almost here.  I cry all the time and I cry hard. 

Well here's to what of been my 2 year anniversary of being committed and I pray that I make it through the day without being a complete mess.

How do you even start to put the pieces back together?!?

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Replies to This Discussion

Dear John, I am so sorry for your loss.  How awful for you to face this important anniversary without your partner.  I lost my Chris in April and faced our 19th anniversary in June and his birthday this month.  So hard. I don't have any advice or answers for you -- just prayers for peace and comfort.  Since you were separated when he passed, maybe you might want to write a letter to him -- letting him know all you felt and what you are feeling, now.  I did that for my Chris on our anniversary, even though we were blessed to be together in those last days, hours and minutes.  I am not going to lie and tell you that it helped -- nothing does -- but it marked the day.  I am sending you a hug -- because you need one.  

John, I am so sorry for your loss.  I too lost my life partner of 30 yrs. 7 wks. ago.  I came to this site a couple of times before I was able to really talk about the medical mistakes that occurred involving Sharon's death.  The other night I was finally able to share that information.  Feeling sad and angry I felt this was the safest place for me to let go.  You say your sadness is worse and you cry all the time.  I understand John.  From what I've learned at this site and from my grief counselor what your feeling is normal.  You feel lost and helpless so do I.  Its going to take time John, prayer will help.  Whenever I cry I always ask for Sharon's help and guidance to get me through.  You may want to ask Chris to help you, he sees your pain and probably wants to console you so let him in.  Sending you a hug and a prayer.  Geri

I lost my husband of 5 years on August 22nd. I am 25, I feel the same feelings of guilt as my husband and I were having a rough time at the time of his death, we loved each other deeply, but like you said every relationship has its bad times. I try to push the regrets to the back of my head and focus on the good moments. For instance, we had a mini vacation the weekend before he passed. The best time we had together in a long time. I know you may not be able to push the what if's to the back of your head all the time, but I find it has helped to force myself to think about a good memory when I find myself beginning to ask my self what if...I text/msg/call my husband almost everyday. It seems to help a little, it gives me a chance to "talk" to him. Might seem crazy, but I feel a little bit better afterwards. My condolences, feel free to message me on here if you need to vent/talk, whatever.


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