My Wife just passed away 29 days ago.

My wife of 22 yrs., we had been together for a little over 23 yrs., passed away suddenly on 09-03-10. She had various health problems for many years, but the past 14 years I have been with her and taking care of her pretty much daily. I during this time have had my own health problems as well, we were both disabled and she couldn't get out much and alot of the time not at all. She passed away 24 days before her 53rd Birthday, I'm 44 yrs. old, I loved her with all my heart, and I miss her so terribly, that words can't describe! My family and I are not that close, except for an Uncle in Indiana, Donna's family are doing their best to keep me busy and include me in things they are doing, but that only lasts for a couple of hours, and I appreciate everything they are doing, and what my family has done. My problem is that when I'm alone what do I do then, how do I deal with what I'm feeling. the sorrow, the grief, the extreme loneliness. I don't have any anger towards her, because I know she was so tired, and so tired of being sick all the time. The sad thing of it all is she was feeling so good for the 2 weeks prior to her death, and on Thursday the 2nd had planned the weekend ( Labor Day ) out and was in such a good mood and happy, looking forward to getting out of the house on the 3rdto visit her sister. Then I wake up and find her gone, just like that gone! I'm so overcome with sorrow and grief that I don't know what to do or where to turn. I've spent my whole adult life with her, and now I'm completly lost and completly alone, I breakdown every night, how do you learn to cope and go on?

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Permalink Reply by tyresaadair on October 7, 2010 at 6:26pm

Marvin,Hi my name is Tyresa.I lost my husband of 26yrs on aug 23,2010.He was 51,I too am 44 yrs old.He had been ill for the past 16yrs.Then last oct the dr suggested Hospice.I work in the healthcare field so I knew what that meant.Devastating.He lasted a lil over 8 months.He had complications of diabetes.CHF,renal failure,Is what's listed on the death certificate.I'm lost without him.I was 16 when we got together.So he pretty much finished raising me.He loved me so much an I him.He died here at our home.I too get lonely when no one is here.I make myself get up and find things to do.Most importantly I rely on my faith.It's all I got.My family is not close either but slowly two of 5 siblings have been very supportive.Friends have been very helpful.Some days are good others are bad.I use to count the days he has been gone now I'm counting the months.That makes me sadder.It just reminds me of the finality of it all.Again it's my faith in the promises regarded in the bible that keep me going.I have a hard time with finding him down at our kitchen doorway.He went out to smoke ,yes with CHF.He was talking to me when I got here and seemed ok.He mentioned he could not breathe so I went to get the oxygen.I'm treating the situation like he has fallen again .No biggie.He is talking to me right .Answering questions appropriately.By the time I get the o2 on him I notice the death look.Eyes half closed.I know that look.It was not til then I realized that I was losing him.I can not explain the shock ,the denial.I remember screaming no this can not be happening now.We had had the most unbelieveable day together.It was like one last gift from God.I would have never had guessed that that day I was losing the love of my life.The day was too perfect.I kept commenting to myself how serene the day had been.Tranquil.It's hard to deal with that.Faith in God is all I can give to you.If God has your back who,or what situation can stand against you.

Permalink Reply by tyresaadair on October 7, 2010 at 6:26pm

Permalink Reply by Marvin D. Hall on October 7, 2010 at 6:52pm

Nice to meet you Tyresa, sorry for your loss, my wife was Diabetic, had COPD, and had had Quadruple Heart By-pass surgery back in '96. I was by her side thru all of this, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I loved her that much, and although I didn't work in the healthcare field, I'm an Ex-Deputy Sheriff, I to know the signs of death. I knew the instant I found Donna, that my life had changed forever. The love of my life was gone, and I was completely devasted. The most caring, loving, and most wonderful person I had ever known for 23 yrs., that I had the fourtune of calling my wife was just gone! I'm doing better now, thanks to the wonderful people on this site, and God, I'm ashamed to say that it took this happening to lead me back to him, but that is the truth it did. I'm going to do all that is in me to make sure that I see my wife again, as she was when we first met no pain, no illness, and happy!
tyresaadair said:

Marvin,Hi my name is Tyresa.I lost my husband of 26yrs on aug 23,2010.He was 51,I too am 44 yrs old.He had been ill for the past 16yrs.Then last oct the dr suggested Hospice.I work in the healthcare field so I knew what that meant.Devastating.He lasted a lil over 8 months.He had complications of diabetes.CHF,renal failure,Is what's listed on the death certificate.I'm lost without him.I was 16 when we got together.So he pretty much finished raising me.He loved me so much an I him.He died here at our home.I too get lonely when no one is here.I make myself get up and find things to do.Most importantly I rely on my faith.It's all I got.My family is not close either but slowly two of 5 siblings have been very supportive.Friends have been very helpful.Some days are good others are bad.I use to count the days he has been gone now I'm counting the months.That makes me sadder.It just reminds me of the finality of it all.Again it's my faith in the promises regarded in the bible that keep me going.I have a hard time with finding him down at our kitchen doorway.He went out to smoke ,yes with CHF.He was talking to me when I got here and seemed ok.He mentioned he could not breathe so I went to get the oxygen.I'm treating the situation like he has fallen again .No biggie.He is talking to me right .Answering questions appropriately.By the time I get the o2 on him I notice the death look.Eyes half closed.I know that look.It was not til then I realized that I was losing him.I can not explain the shock ,the denial.I remember screaming no this can not be happening now.We had had the most unbelieveable day together.It was like one last gift from God.I would have never had guessed that that day I was losing the love of my life.The day was too perfect.I kept commenting to myself how serene the day had been.Tranquil.It's hard to deal with that.Faith in God is all I can give to you.If God has your back who,or what situation can stand against you.

Permalink Reply by Marvin D. Hall on October 7, 2010 at 6:52pm

Marvin,Hi my name is Tyresa.I lost my husband of 26yrs on aug 23,2010.He was 51,I too am 44 yrs old.He had been ill for the past 16yrs.Then last oct the dr suggested Hospice.I work in the healthcare field so I knew what that meant.Devastating.He lasted a lil over 8 months.He had complications of diabetes.CHF,renal failure,Is what's listed on the death certificate.I'm lost without him.I was 16 when we got together.So he pretty much finished raising me.He loved me so much an I him.He died here at our home.I too get lonely when no one is here.I make myself get up and find things to do.Most importantly I rely on my faith.It's all I got.My family is not close either but slowly two of 5 siblings have been very supportive.Friends have been very helpful.Some days are good others are bad.I use to count the days he has been gone now I'm counting the months.That makes me sadder.It just reminds me of the finality of it all.Again it's my faith in the promises regarded in the bible that keep me going.I have a hard time with finding him down at our kitchen doorway.He went out to smoke ,yes with CHF.He was talking to me when I got here and seemed ok.He mentioned he could not breathe so I went to get the oxygen.I'm treating the situation like he has fallen again .No biggie.He is talking to me right .Answering questions appropriately.By the time I get the o2 on him I notice the death look.Eyes half closed.I know that look.It was not til then I realized that I was losing him.I can not explain the shock ,the denial.I remember screaming no this can not be happening now.We had had the most unbelieveable day together.It was like one last gift from God.I would have never had guessed that that day I was losing the love of my life.The day was too perfect.I kept commenting to myself how serene the day had been.Tranquil.It's hard to deal with that.Faith in God is all I can give to you.If God has your back who,or what situation can stand against you.

Permalink Reply by tyresaadair on October 8, 2010 at 6:40am

Kathy,Hi I'm tyresa.I'm so sorry about your loss.I loved your sentiment to Marvin.I appreciate realizing that you too had a hard time convincing ones that he was dying.My Joe was on hospice as well.His friends and family would say off the wall things to him that would infuriate me.My Joe was not accepting of his impending death.It took alot of convincing him as well.It broke my hear to keep having to remind him.I can remember the day he finally accepted it.I looked into his eyes and it was like a pleading for me.He never wanted to die or leave me alone.He loved life so .Sometimes I think it is so unfair that he died.It was God's will.Hospice helped him deal with the process of his death,I'm grateful to them.My Joe was so non compliant.He never acted like he was dying.After he died ,these same family and friends called and said I never thought Joe was that sick.I was kind of mad at Joe to for giving off that idea.People thought I was delusional.The day he died was so beautiful.I too think that was God's way of preparing us.One last gift from God.Joe asked me that day ,why do I keep talking about death,My reply is ;cause when I look at you I can see it"I asked him to please let me know what's on his mind.He did .He would never talk to me before about his death.I'm grateful for that too.We cried and told each other how much we cared about one another.Those memories are what I dwell on.Not the bad.I can tell that I'm at peace with his death now.
Kathy King said:

I stopped and started again cus I don't know how many words this allows us to print and didn't want to get lost. I wanted to tell you Marvin that it is very common for sick people to "get well" or "act their old selves" for several days before the final passing. I think this is God's way of letting them take care of business or to help their loved ones deal with issues before the final days. Bill had 2 good weeks right before also and I had a hard time convincing some family that he really was dying because of it. Luckily we had very good hospice staff that was with us that last month and they helped us understand this process. Bill had a very bad infection in the end and refused anymore IV's or invasive procedures which is why the doctors said it would be a matter of days and maybe weeks but no more. It was 5 weeks from his last IV removal. He proudly distributed many of his personal belongings during that time and we brought much family and friends in to say their farewells. It was a difficult time but he was preparing things to be easier for me. He explained his entire cremation and memorial service desires and everything. He let himself go the day after our daughter arrived for her final visit and told him she would be moving from Los Angeles to South Carolina to help me out. He knew it was okay to say goodbye at that time. It gives me some peace but still doesn't help the pain. Bill was tired of the pain also and that is why he needed to let go. I am sure your wife felt that too.

Permalink Reply by tyresaadair on October 8, 2010 at 6:48am

Marvin ,Hi tyresa I replied to you and then barb's.I have no idea what happened to my reply to you.Let me know if you find it.My kids are getting up for school or I"d retype it.

Permalink Reply by tyresaadair on October 8, 2010 at 6:53am

Marvin I too am ashamed that it took my great loss to get me back to the Lord.I believe he knew this would get it.I've been so stubborn about going back.I want to see my Joe again healthy and vibrate.The way I first met him.
Marvin D. Hall said:

Nice to meet you Tyresa, sorry for your loss, my wife was Diabetic, had COPD, and had had Quadruple Heart By-pass surgery back in '96. I was by her side thru all of this, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I loved her that much, and although I didn't work in the healthcare field, I'm an Ex-Deputy Sheriff, I to know the signs of death. I knew the instant I found Donna, that my life had changed forever. The love of my life was gone, and I was completely devasted. The most caring, loving, and most wonderful person I had ever known for 23 yrs., that I had the fourtune of calling my wife was just gone! I'm doing better now, thanks to the wonderful people on this site, and God, I'm ashamed to say that it took this happening to lead me back to him, but that is the truth it did. I'm going to do all that is in me to make sure that I see my wife again, as she was when we first met no pain, no illness, and happy!
tyresaadair said:
Marvin,Hi my name is Tyresa.I lost my husband of 26yrs on aug 23,2010.He was 51,I too am 44 yrs old.He had been ill for the past 16yrs.Then last oct the dr suggested Hospice.I work in the healthcare field so I knew what that meant.Devastating.He lasted a lil over 8 months.He had complications of diabetes.CHF,renal failure,Is what's listed on the death certificate.I'm lost without him.I was 16 when we got together.So he pretty much finished raising me.He loved me so much an I him.He died here at our home.I too get lonely when no one is here.I make myself get up and find things to do.Most importantly I rely on my faith.It's all I got.My family is not close either but slowly two of 5 siblings have been very supportive.Friends have been very helpful.Some days are good others are bad.I use to count the days he has been gone now I'm counting the months.That makes me sadder.It just reminds me of the finality of it all.Again it's my faith in the promises regarded in the bible that keep me going.I have a hard time with finding him down at our kitchen doorway.He went out to smoke ,yes with CHF.He was talking to me when I got here and seemed ok.He mentioned he could not breathe so I went to get the oxygen.I'm treating the situation like he has fallen again .No biggie.He is talking to me right .Answering questions appropriately.By the time I get the o2 on him I notice the death look.Eyes half closed.I know that look.It was not til then I realized that I was losing him.I can not explain the shock ,the denial.I remember screaming no this can not be happening now.We had had the most unbelieveable day together.It was like one last gift from God.I would have never had guessed that that day I was losing the love of my life.The day was too perfect.I kept commenting to myself how serene the day had been.Tranquil.It's hard to deal with that.Faith in God is all I can give to you.If God has your back who,or what situation can stand against you.

Permalink Reply by tyresaadair on October 8, 2010 at 6:57am

hi Debbie ,My Joe passed away on aug 23 ,2010.I thought it was weird reading yours died on that day as well.I think we tend to feel that only we have lost some one that day.It comforts me to know that I was not alone on that day.

Debbie Treadway said:

Marvin, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away on Aug. 23rd. He also had many health problems and was to the point where basicly all he could do was sit and watch tv. He did tell me that he was ready to go be with the Lord if he could not get out and do the things that he loved to do. Like you I am happy for him that he is no longer suffering. He hung on for all these years for me and my daughter.I am the one suffering now but I do have good health so I am thankful for that. I also have my daughter and her husband living with me so at least I am not alone in a physical way. I will say that some days are better than others and I hope your days will get better also. Just take them one at a time and cry whenever you need to. It always makes me feel better when I can let go of some of the grief. This is a wonderful site with some wonderful friends. Always feel free to share anything you need to. May God bless and keep you.

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on October 8, 2010 at 8:00am

Hi Tyresa, I agree that it is strange that both our soulmates left us on the same day. My husband had a combination of Marvin's wife's COPD and quadrupal bypass also in 96 and your husband's CHF. When the 23rd of Sept. came I had a very difficult day. Everything just seemed to come rushing back in my mind about the day he died. Some days I get up and things seem to go okay, on others though the tears just seem to come, but I have realized that when they do it is best to just let them and then I feel a little better. On the 23rd of this month I will know that someone else is probably having the same kind of day that I am and will say a special prayer for you on that day. I hope your days are getting a little better. Some of mine are but some are still a struggle to make it through. One of the hardest things for me is the guilty feeling i have when I do enjoy doing something. I feel like how can I be happy when he is gone. I hope in time that this will get better. Thanks for listening. Hugs to you.