Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Peter on January 28, 2013 at 11:37am

Maureen,
My name is Peter and it does get better. Not on someone else's schedule but when you give yourself permission to move on. I'm not saying to forget him (we will never forget) but you must know that he would want you to be happy. That sounds easy, but you reach that place when you realize how lucky you are to have enjoyed your 40 years together. He's at peace and he's only a thought away ( he just appeared in your thoughts when you read that didn't he ? ) A wise man once said that to be happy in life is a choice and the length of our time of grieving doesn't have to equal the length of time we have loved.
I choose to think of the many hours, days, years of laughter I shared with my loved ones rather than the one day of hell that they passed on, and I had to learn to do that. ( believe me if you read my story you will see my road has been harder than many others and I say that not seeking any sympathy, it's just a fact ).
When the time is right for you and you only. You will find yourself smiling and laughing again and don't feel guilty when that happens (because guilt is a symptom you feel when you begin to heal). Remember that you are still here and he would never want you to suffer in grief. When the time comes you will know. In the meantime let your emotions flow naturally, we must cry when the feelings come but it's okay to laugh too.. I wish you the best.
Pete

Permalink Reply by Adrienne Gruberg on January 28, 2013 at 1:34pm

Maureen -

Your post echoes what I feel most of the time. I lost my husband (32 years together) in March of 2011. I was his caregiver AND his mother's caregiver; they were both cancer patients. I have created a social network for caregivers and I just wrote an article on exactly this topic - "I know what you're going through," —NO YOU DON'T. It gets better and it evolves, but he just keeps popping up. I expect to turn to him, or nudge him on a private joke. I miss him terribly. We were attached at the hip.

We were just us—no kids. I had wanted a dog for years, so I got one and she is a life saver. If you were a caregiver, please visit my site - www.caregiversurvivalnetwork.com. There is a bereavement section and a section for 'after' caregiving - the hole is very, very big when you've done nothing else but care for someone for 6 years.

You are not going nuts. Your loss is very, very fresh. You sound like you're doing great. I do want to advise you that your friends, though they may be couples, are very important. Immediately after my husband died, everyone was there for me - almost two years later, not so much. I have to reach out to them and if they are real friends, they're still there, but too many people forget. I urge you not to lose touch - you may want to be alone now, but don't cut your friends off totally. They'll understand your need for privacy.

You can write me at adrienne@caregiversurvivalnetwork.com should you want to pursue the conversation. I wish you only the best. I feel I am lucky to have had the kind of relationship with my husband for as long as I had it.

You're doing great - Best - Adrienne

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on January 28, 2013 at 5:24pm

Maureen,

My husband died July 17, 2009 and like you I was one lost soul!! Everyone else's life continues to go as normal but for those of us who have lost our partner we also lost our "normal" -- and the search for our new normal begins. The road is bumpy and rough. You will have good and bad days, you will always miss your husband, but what keeps me going are the memories my husband and I made for the 33 years we were together. It does get better -- I promise. Remember to not rush yourself through the grief process. Everyone is different. Heck, I still have "Douglas" days -- and I feel like I did the day he died. But the good news is that the feelings don't last as long and I am able to pick myself up and move forward sooner than I was able to when he died. I loved my husband with all my heart and still do. Yes, I still buy special cards for him on those special days and write notes. It makes me feel better and that is what is important. How I am feeling! You are not going crazy -- what you are feeling is very normal. It is called grief and our mind and body will do strange things (where did I put those keys again?) to protect us and help with the healing that is also going on. I feel your pain but please know you will be okay. Your husband is with you and protecting you. I feel Douglas with me daily -- and that gives me the strength to keep on keeping on -- as he would say. I will think of you as you travel the path many of us have been on. Some are just a few steps ahead of you and we will all be there to wait for you to catch up!

Peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on January 28, 2013 at 10:09pm

Maureen,
I received a packet of articles from Hospice after my husband died in December 2010. One was a picture of an onion. The message was: grief is like an onion. It has many layers and causes lots of tears.
I remember not being able to concentrate on things. I would make a list of things to do, forget the list, and once I was in the car, I had no idea where I was going. I was so alone and lost. Finding this site was a godsend for me. People here did understand. I am still lonely, and do have times of really missing Dave. I have survived, and am trying to move forward with my life.

Loss of your life partner is like losing a part of yourself. All of your plans for the future are gone. Cherish your happy memories. I love to tell my "Dave" stories. Take care of yourself! Give and accept as many hugs as possible.

I wish you strength as you walk down this lonely path with the rest of us.

Permalink Reply by Maureen Gilman on January 28, 2013 at 10:16pm

What a great analogy ! Thank you.
Everyone has been amazing. I appreciate it.