My name is Donna and I'm new to this site.  I've lost my 2nd spouses in the last 20 years. I'm really struggling with my latest loss which was due to cancer. Everyday is new and scary for me.. I've always been the care taker with both husbands and my son who was 11 years old when his daddy died on Dec 30th 1990.  I finished raising my son alone to ease too many adjustments with step fathers.  My son is in the Army and served 3 tours in Iraq and made it home safe but changed alittle.

  On Sept 22nd, 2009 was diagnosed with adnocarcinoma of the stomach and esophogus. He went through all the treatment and when the rest of his esophogus started closing there was nothing that could be done.  He passed away on March22nd of this year. I've haunted by the vision of him lying there in the Hospice hospital at the time he passed.. I was with him also at the end which is a vision I can't get rid of.  My husband weighed 68 lbs when he passed..

 I now I have to find my own way and I'm really emotionally paralized with the loss of him. we were married 14 years and needless to say the government is no help. I'm disabiled myself with 3 spine surgeries and another set for Dec 2nd.. My wounds will heal but my visions are not..

 Any advise or just having someone to talk to who has lost their love would be deeply appreciated.  God Bless all of you who have had their loved one taken way before we could handle it..  I pray for all those left behind !

 

Donna

 

 

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Replies to This Discussion

Hello Donna.  Welcome and sorry you have to be here under difficult circumstances.  Sorry for the loss of your husband, very sorry.  It is not easy, this journey of grief.  Each moment presents different circumstances you have to deal with.  I too watched my love fade away in front of me.   I in fact just had a phone call from one of my daughters, crying her eyes out over her dad, she misses him so much.  It is so hard to know what to say, however in my heart of hearts I know that her dad and my sweetheart is still with us, as our guardian angel now and I get so much comfort from that.  Would we wish we could wave a magic wand and go back to the way it used to be, when we laughed and cried together, not alone.  It has been 14 months for me, and the tears they flow like a river, on those days where it is overwhelming.

I can only say that the work of grieving is hard, but there are many, many supportive people here on this site and as well many resources you should be able to tap into - you shouldn't be trying to deal with this loss all alone Donna.  I know you have your son, hoping you have some other family/friends around to lean on also.

 

Come here when you need to and there will be a friendly virtual shoulder to cry on.

God Bless,

Carol

Hi Donna,

I think of this time alone as time I never had for myself and realize it's up to me to make it meaningful.  I can either waste it in self-pity, or try and be a blessing in some small way to others and also use my talents that have been lying dormant for so long.  I am grieving too.  I lost my husband Sept. 10th after a 3-year illness and caring for him the whole time.  My children are far away but one will come and help me soon to sell some of the things that collected in our yard and garage over the years. 

Blessings to you.

Ruth

 

Attachments:

Thank you so much Jane for your reply.. I'm learning about the baby steps.. I've lost my 1st husband in 1990, my mom in 94, my brother in 95 and my new husband in March of this year.. I've been care giver for many family members and it just has beat me down. I am seeking counsiling who has seen me through all of this over the past 4 years.  She is amazing!!  I won't give up but each time it takes more out of me each time so I sleep alot. I know i will get through it but I'll never get over it.

 

Thanks again for being here..

Jane Policcio said:

Dear Donna, I'm sorry for your loss and so sorry you have to join us. You will find we are all grieving, and we are in all different stages of grief but I found such wonderful caring people here who totally understand what I am going through because we are all walking down this lonely road. 

4 months ago my husband passed from lung cancer and I too was his primary caregiver as I was for my mother who passed from cancer a few months before Dan's diagnosis. Both died in my arms and if I allow myself I can go back in time and my vision is very vivid of them. 

Being the primary caregiver is a full time 24/7 job and I would do it again in a heartbeat! I had NO time for myself but there was always something to do and somewhere to go, even if it was to the doctors and in one breath it all came to a screeching halt! You hit that brick wall and suddenly you have nothing to do and no where to go.   

We never had children, so my life is lonely. There are days I don't feel like getting out of bed but I do and I move forward taking baby steps.  This web site has made me realize that my feelings are normal, there are NO right or wrong answers and it has given me the courage to move forward. May you find strength within this web site as we all walk alone down this road looking for a shoulder to guide us on our way.  

Smiles and hugs,

Jane

 

 

Dear Donna ...

 

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.  My husband passed away in April/2011 of pancreatic liver cancer and I watched him fade away at home until he went into hospital and things just got worse.  I was able to finally get him into a Hospice, but he passed away the next morning and I wish I had been there for him, but the wonderful and caring nurse that was with him when he died said more often our loved ones pass away when we are not there no matter how many hours we spend with them.  Your son being in the Army and try not to get distressed over your son's personality changes because war can do that to those that are serving and now he has to face another loss, but in time he too will gather enough strength and be able to lead a fairly normal life.  No one is perfectly normal when they fight wars or lose a loved one, but things do get better as you learn a new routine in your life which will come in your own time.

 Ernie and I were married almost 39 years and unfortunately no children and both sides of the family are very small.  Caregivers have an extremely difficult time because they are needed and still have hope as long as their loved one has a breath in them, but when they die they leave us feeling empty; not needed any longer.  I am slowly been placing my life together, but lost a lot of weight doing so and I still have my crying spells and feel misplaced in this world; lonely; disorientated and dislike too much change in my life at present.

 

The people here are wonderful and all of us are going through different stages of grieving and we lean on each other and you are welcome to express exactly how you feel on here.  I have been off this forum for quite sometime as my PC is toast and I am now on a laptop. I am not fully aware of how things completely work on this forum, but please feel free to email me if you are up to it.

 

Maday1@shaw.ca   (I live in the lower mainland of British Columbia, Canada)

 

Always remember what you are going through is very normal and all of us have been through it and some of us are still going through it.  There is no limit on how long you should grieve, so rest; try to eat the best you can and don't push yourself too hard.

 

Hugs

Marcy

Thank you so much for your reply Jane.. Yes, I'm alone now and learning to live for me.. My son is going to be 33 and in the Army with a wife and my only grandchild.. I was lucky that due to my health situation the Army granted him a compassionate reasssignment to Ft. Ga which is only 1 1/2 hours from here.. I'm able to drive that with no problem and now I get to stay in their lives which makes it not so lonely.. Its been 7 months now and I don't cry near as much. I just keep saying that Danny would not want me sitting here like this but some days I just can't get over it and stay in bed.

 Sites likes this are such a wonderful thing. I've had 3 spine surgeries and my husband got me through all of them and there was nothing that could keep me from his side. The visions are my problem now. Danny got down to 68 lbds and I just can't get that vision when I close my eyes.. I also have memory loss which they say is normal for this kinda trauma. When my 1st husband passed i had this problem for over 4 months. Family is trying hard and patient with this problem.  My brain has just had its last bout with trauma and not much more will it handle. Med's are helping a bit and I go to my head Dr that is helping me work through this..

 Thanks again for being here. I find quiet comfort here without too many people telling me what to do and not judgeing me for my problem leaving the housel. My brother bought me a round trip ticket to Memphis for Thanksgiving to spend it with my husbands family as we did every year. I think this will be the start of closer for me. They are wonderful people and they love me very much. They call to check on me when my own family that lives here don't.  Ole well, I'm blessed just to have people somewhere who cares for me..  Take care dear and know your in my prayers also.  Hugs

Jane Policcio said:

Dear Donna, I'm sorry for your loss and so sorry you have to join us. You will find we are all grieving, and we are in all different stages of grief but I found such wonderful caring people here who totally understand what I am going through because we are all walking down this lonely road. 

4 months ago my husband passed from lung cancer and I too was his primary caregiver as I was for my mother who passed from cancer a few months before Dan's diagnosis. Both died in my arms and if I allow myself I can go back in time and my vision is very vivid of them. 

Being the primary caregiver is a full time 24/7 job and I would do it again in a heartbeat! I had NO time for myself but there was always something to do and somewhere to go, even if it was to the doctors and in one breath it all came to a screeching halt! You hit that brick wall and suddenly you have nothing to do and no where to go.   

We never had children, so my life is lonely. There are days I don't feel like getting out of bed but I do and I move forward taking baby steps.  This web site has made me realize that my feelings are normal, there are NO right or wrong answers and it has given me the courage to move forward. May you find strength within this web site as we all walk alone down this road looking for a shoulder to guide us on our way.  

Smiles and hugs,

Jane

 

 

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