All I want is, to feel him touch my face again..
I don't know how long I can take the pain I feel without him here.
My husband passed on 1-23-2011 and I'm really alone begging for someone to hear my screams for someone to just hold me.
After 27 years with the love of my life I can't find who I Am
I woke up every day excited because I knew he would soon follow me outside for coffee.
He would always start the morning off with a joke.
He would end each night by touching my face and we never not kissed each other good night or good morning.
Even when mad at each other we would kiss, it might be a little peck, but we would still kiss.
I have now even lost control of my home, I have no one to cook for and no reason to do anything. It all seems pointless now. I've lost 20lbs since his death and still feel no reason to cook.
If only one person would just hold me and let me cry for as long as it takes.
Just be there, not one word needs to be said just the safty of someone holding you is what's missed the most.
Sleep, I'm so scared if I'm not up a little I won't hear if someone breaks in.
How do you stop the feeling of a pain you never heard about?
You know people die, You felt the lost of a parent or a sister or brother, even a friend but, I've never heard it put into words the feeling of this kind of pain.
And everyone telling you it get's better, really have no idea because they have not yet felt this kind of in your gut sick pain. I'm sorry for what you all have to go through.
But there is a few blessings I've gotten from this.
I know the man I love will never feel this
I'm so lucky to have had that really happy marriage and in love to the end.
I miss you my friend and will always love you, Your Wife
I know exactly & I hate it for all of us here as well. It's been 6 months- soon 7 & I have not cooked a meal since. My husband loved my cooking... it was really hard the first few times I had to go grocery shopping-alone. I can go without crying in the store now, usually before I get out of the truck & as soon as I get back in. It's hard. I also dropped just over 20 lbs right away & haven't gained it back. I couldn't lose 5 lbs before & it makes me feel bad that he put up w/ me being heavy & now it's gone- who cares now?! Death is new to me also. My grandfather died 2 years ago, healthy to his last breathe at 99 years, but my Larry was only 38 years old. Larry was killed in a work related accident. After he left for work that morning I never got to lay eyes on him again. It destroys me. This site helps so much, because others just can't imagine. I know I would never have been able to imagine this before it happened to me. Like you, I can see that I am growing, but I have ALOT of growing pains. I wish you the best. Also, remember it helps to focus on the present & not toworry or concern yourself with what might be ahead-minute by minute is all you can do sometimes. My prayers & HUGS, Christy
I am so very, very sorry over the death of your beloved - of course, each day is like a dagger to the heart because your sweetie isn't beside you, because you cannot hear his voice, feel his arms around you, put your head on his chest or tell him to pick up his pants off the floor....My husband died 21 months ago, on 29 June 2009, and I miss him just as much now as I did then.....I've cried and cry in parking lots: the Post Office, the supermarket, the garage at work. I miss his comforting, soft voice, his warm, manly smell - and he is the elephant in the room that people will NOT talk about, except with two special people that are willing to LISTEN to me talk about him - whether how hard it was to change him at the end (it is one thing to change a 5-month-old baby; a 55-year-old man is entirely different!), or how he was NOT slow when he got into a car (before he got so sick, he'd had four (4) Corvettes, and at times I thought I would find out how cute the local paramedics were because he drove at Warp Six (and always managed to avoid the attention of the local constabulary, the little devil!)
I have not joined a GriefShare or other such group, because I would be TOO ANGRY: My husband is DEAD, and there is NOTHING NEAT OR WONDERFUL OR BLESSED ABOUT IT, blankety-blank!!!!! However, the hospice that did care for him offered a Bereavement Counselor that came to my place (!) 1-2 times a month for a year, and that was INCREDIBLY helpful - to have someone sit with you, listen to you cry and scream and talk about your beloved husband - you may want to check with a local hospice and see if such a person is available to meet with you privately - your husband need not have been cared for by them in most cases.
I don't really go anywhere but work, church and the women's prison (I still do prison ministry) - I don't see the point, and I had to learn to say a quick blessing every time I'd see a couple, because I would think "Damn them - why do THEY get to be together, to love, laugh and live, and MY sweetie is DEAD!!!" But a little blessing helps me not to be bitter or angry - you will always have this hole in your heart, you will always cry, eventually not as much, but you will have those times the rest of your days.
Peace, comfort, healing and blessing be with and upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins
Oh, D'Andrea, I just cried and cried on reading of your loss, so much that I wasn't really able to read it all. I will come back and read better another time. I just lost my husband January 10 of this year, 2011, and I feel so much your expressions here.
I send my heartfelt empathy and am glad you have touched us here. After my first post on Legacy, I did not return for a while, and now I'm not sure if I write too much. But know if I can send any warmth and comfort your way, it is there for you.
Sisters in grief,
I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain you are feeling. It has been 7 months since my soulmate passed away and I know your anguish. I still wish to get my three kisses. We never had one kiss, it was always 3 in a row. It was just our little thing. I miss walking up to him and giving him a big hug when he was cooking. I miss running my fingers through his hair. I miss watching Survivor with him. It is just not the same w/o him. I find myself crying now, still, because I lost the love of my live. We were together 15 years. I never imagined there could be such pain in my heart. I thought my heart had been broken once or twice before, but nothing could ever compare to this. I know everyone says it will get better. I still wait for those days. Its just a tiny bit better, thanks to medicine, but I am still a mess. You will have good days and bad days, just remember you are not alone and we are here for you. I still ask everyday, "Why did you leave me?" My thoughts and prayers are with you.
The emptiness is awful and the yearning for just one more touch, cup of morning coffee or kiss goodnite is undiscribable.
In the beginning I rationalized that this is not so different than when he was in the Army -in Germany - me being back here in the states. He would be in the field and I couldn't phone him, having to wait for his calls when he came back. So I'd play this mind game that told me ,'We had our love then;across the miles and this is kind of the same. No contact, but we haveeachother just the same.'
Well that worked for a few months. But there was no 'eventual' phone call or Hallmark Cardsin the mail.
My husband never made it to 62yrs
For all he did for others, our neighbors our country in his service...itall seems so unfair and brutal. If I didn't have my 5 children ( all from a previous marriage), 10 grandchildren and 2 great grands I'd have nothing to live for I fear. But all of them are far away. So day to day it's just me and my dog Maya and guinea pig PiggyPoo - both Christmas gifts from him over the years. Right now I'm looking forward to my next visit to NJ and seeing all my family for a few months. Then it will be back here- the happiness of 'coming home' - then the emptiness again. I think maybe men are better at dealilng with this situation than women. But jsut the same I'd rather concider it a blessing my husband doesn't have to go though this.