Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on December 26, 2010 at 8:23pm

Dear Hurting,

I just don't know what to say.  It must be so difficult for you.  I am so sorry you are going through the pain of losing your husband and I am awaiting the day it will be exactly one year right around the corner for me.  January 22, 2010, in the early morning hours at about 3:30 a.m. Danny breathed his last breath.  The time the nurse wrote which was the time she pronounced it was 5:40 a.m.  I know this may seem silly or immature to some but I plan on not eating that day because it seems a solemn day for me, a day of mourning.  So I feel it would be a celebration of sorts if I were to go out with family and eat.  I don't want to eat, as I don't want to celebrate.  In fact I have just been consuming only what my body needs because I haven't been able to enjoy eating like I once did since I have been so distraught at his passing.  One day of fasting will not hurt me, so I will tell any family who wants to be together with me can go out the day before or the day after but on the 22nd of January I will be attending 2 Masses that I have arranged to be said for him at 2 different Churches.  Kind of a long story why it was 2.  I would have had 3 Masses but could almost hear Danny saying to me, 'what R U spending this money for? What a waste'  I am not looking forward to having this milestone come and go.  Don't want it to happen, and I don't want to move into another apartment either, but it looks inevitable.  So, long story short, I am totally stressed, extremely upset, I have been crying during the last few days and just trying to deal with the emotions, day by day, minute by minute.  I hate living without him but the only thing I can do is turn it over to God.  I believe he is at peace, but I'm not at peace nor I don't think I will ever be.  Now, life for me is all about me and that's what hurts the most.  I always hoped and prayed for him to get better, but I guess that's not God's plan and I have to ride this tidal wave, like it or not.  That's just me talking about my situation.  I believe you and I can still talk to our spouse and I've been told countless times that he will be with me wherever I am, and that God will fill the void for me, and I pray you and everyone here feels peace somehow.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by mary baker eatough on December 28, 2010 at 12:16am

My husband passed away unexpectedly one year ago on 12/18/09. All I can say is that you do whatever makes you feel better.  If all you want to do is cry, than you cry, and the same goes for any other idea.  We all grieve differently, there is no right or wrong way, it's just your way.  It was a hard day for me and my children.  I was overwhelmed with sadness, hurt, and even anger.  I was upset that his family came together and grieved but didn't involve me and my kids.  They have been so hateful towards us, more so after he passed than when he was alive.  It is so hurtful.  I don't even know how I feel anymore, sometimes I can't get out of bed, and sometimes I feel guilty for smiling, like I don't have the right to.   I have often thought to myself that I want his family to suffer like they have made me, I have so much anger towards them, but I know that it is not right for me to feel this way. 

Just know that you are not alone, that your spouse is there with you,even though you feel so alone, you are never truely alone.  It may seem odd, but I find great comfort in speaking to my husband when I am lying in my bed surrounded by all my pillows that are taking his place.  We had so many indepth discussions lying there in eachothers company, that is where I feel the most comfortable at times, but also the lonliest.  It is so hard to keep on living without the one I was looking so forward to sharing my life with.  The days without my true love beside me just aren't getting easier. I wish it could have been me.

 

Mary

Permalink Reply by Christy on December 28, 2010 at 9:53am

Suzanne, I just read this post/reply. I feel so much like you do. I have lost 23 lbs in 4 months since Larry passed. I was overweight before, so it's not a problem. I fasted in the beginning because I was praying that Larry would be found alive (he died in an accident at work & wasn't found for almost 2 days). Then I simply had no appetite. I eat because I know I should & sometimes I actually get hungry, but I haven't cooked a meal since the day he died & I haven't regained a normal appetite. I am also praying constantly. I pray that God will fill the void as well. When I read that you had written my same prayer I had to let you know that I am with you 100%. I have a long way to go to reach the 1 year mark, but I think fasting would be a proper thing to do. God bless you, you are in my prayers. Christy
Suzanne said:

Dear Hurting,

I just don't know what to say.  It must be so difficult for you.  I am so sorry you are going through the pain of losing your husband and I am awaiting the day it will be exactly one year right around the corner for me.  January 22, 2010, in the early morning hours at about 3:30 a.m. Danny breathed his last breath.  The time the nurse wrote which was the time she pronounced it was 5:40 a.m.  I know this may seem silly or immature to some but I plan on not eating that day because it seems a solemn day for me, a day of mourning.  So I feel it would be a celebration of sorts if I were to go out with family and eat.  I don't want to eat, as I don't want to celebrate.  In fact I have just been consuming only what my body needs because I haven't been able to enjoy eating like I once did since I have been so distraught at his passing.  One day of fasting will not hurt me, so I will tell any family who wants to be together with me can go out the day before or the day after but on the 22nd of January I will be attending 2 Masses that I have arranged to be said for him at 2 different Churches.  Kind of a long story why it was 2.  I would have had 3 Masses but could almost hear Danny saying to me, 'what R U spending this money for? What a waste'  I am not looking forward to having this milestone come and go.  Don't want it to happen, and I don't want to move into another apartment either, but it looks inevitable.  So, long story short, I am totally stressed, extremely upset, I have been crying during the last few days and just trying to deal with the emotions, day by day, minute by minute.  I hate living without him but the only thing I can do is turn it over to God.  I believe he is at peace, but I'm not at peace nor I don't think I will ever be.  Now, life for me is all about me and that's what hurts the most.  I always hoped and prayed for him to get better, but I guess that's not God's plan and I have to ride this tidal wave, like it or not.  That's just me talking about my situation.  I believe you and I can still talk to our spouse and I've been told countless times that he will be with me wherever I am, and that God will fill the void for me, and I pray you and everyone here feels peace somehow.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Floss on January 1, 2011 at 5:11am

Dear Hurting, I feel the same as you do, I left the hospital, at 8.30p.m, and at 9.30pm the hospital called me, and I just knew, he had gone. I just feel so sad, I did not stay with him a little longer, I didnt know, he was going to die, and that kills me everyday, that was seven months ago. The ache in my heart, will not go away. On the otherhand, I dont think I would have been able to handle it if he passed away while I was there, as I am battling to get over seeing him, after they turned off his life support, did I do the right thing. It is a lot for one to handle, and get over, OMG life sux for me at the moment. I battle each day, I try to do things to forget, but only works, for the moment. I am praying for God to heal me of this hurt, and hope, and pray for you as well, hugs hugs hugs

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on January 2, 2011 at 9:18am

Dear Hurting, I understand just what you feel and say.  My husband died June 18, 2010 at Sloan Kettering of cancer.  They told me he would last a few days to a week and he was determined he wasnt going anywhere.  I was in the hospital for a day and a half with him and wanted to go home to shower and talk to our kids that had no idea he was going to die soon.  The nurse told me he was stable and would be fine.  He was alert, talking and watching the yankee game on television.  I went home telling him I would be back first thing in the morning and they called me 5 hours later to come right away.  When I got there he was not awake anymore, not talking just struggling to breath.  What the hell happened in those 5 hours???? I held on to him and spoke to him and told him I didnt want him to suffer anymore and he could go.  It was like a switch, as soon as I told him it was ok he stopped.  His breathing didnt slow down, no twitchinng nothing....he just stopped.  I have been sick hating myself for leaving that night.  I should have stayed and been with him but they told me I had time.  We never had the "what if" talk and he was never going anywhere.  I needed that...I needed him to tell me it was OK.  I am grateful I held his hand and spoke to him as he went but I needed him to talk to me.  Now it is just me and my 3 kids.  I go to the cemetery everyday to check on him and most people think Im nuts.  Franks family has nothing to do with our lives.  I havent seen or heard from his brother since the funeral when he came to eat my food and leave.  A real piece of garbage.  It makes me so mad that evil walks the earth and my husband who wouldnt hurt a fly is gone.  I try to pray but I cant.  He didnt listen to me when I begged him not to take Frank from me so what do I pray for now?  I tried going back to church but I feel nothing.  People say its normal to be mad at god but Im not mad...I feel nothing.  When my little girl cries for her daddy and I cant do anything to make it better how could that be gods plan???? I am afraid everyday and dont know what to do.  I am trying hard to be strong for my kids but when I get into that empty bed at night I cry myself to sleep.  I keep the pillowcase he died on under my pillow hoping I will dream and he will tell me hes OK.  When I read all the posts and see all the pain were in I just dont understand and say why.  I guess we will never know but I am grateful for all of you who understand what I feel.  I wish you peace and some kind of happiness in 2011.  Love Renee 

Permalink Reply by Christy on January 3, 2011 at 8:00am

Renee, I understandyour blank feelings- just nothing there, BUT I do not blame God, in fact He is the only one that brings me any comfort. I get mad when people say "God needed 1 more angel", or " He was too good to stay & God wanted him back." That's just not true. Angels are not people that died & went to heaven -at least not in my bible. The bible says that God never planned on people dying and our only hope to live eternally is in salvation through Jesus. God is good, God is Love, and forgiveness. Even if you don't feel like praying you should tell God- yell if you want to about how you feel, how it's unfair to be without your husband & your children's father. I believe you will feel better & actually you can begin to heal. Try opening your bible and maybe you'll be surprised. God loves you.
I am praying for you & yours & I could use someone else praying for me too. Christy
Renee Semo said:

Dear Hurting, I understand just what you feel and say.  My husband died June 18, 2010 at Sloan Kettering of cancer.  They told me he would last a few days to a week and he was determined he wasnt going anywhere.  I was in the hospital for a day and a half with him and wanted to go home to shower and talk to our kids that had no idea he was going to die soon.  The nurse told me he was stable and would be fine.  He was alert, talking and watching the yankee game on television.  I went home telling him I would be back first thing in the morning and they called me 5 hours later to come right away.  When I got there he was not awake anymore, not talking just struggling to breath.  What the hell happened in those 5 hours???? I held on to him and spoke to him and told him I didnt want him to suffer anymore and he could go.  It was like a switch, as soon as I told him it was ok he stopped.  His breathing didnt slow down, no twitchinng nothing....he just stopped.  I have been sick hating myself for leaving that night.  I should have stayed and been with him but they told me I had time.  We never had the "what if" talk and he was never going anywhere.  I needed that...I needed him to tell me it was OK.  I am grateful I held his hand and spoke to him as he went but I needed him to talk to me.  Now it is just me and my 3 kids.  I go to the cemetery everyday to check on him and most people think Im nuts.  Franks family has nothing to do with our lives.  I havent seen or heard from his brother since the funeral when he came to eat my food and leave.  A real piece of garbage.  It makes me so mad that evil walks the earth and my husband who wouldnt hurt a fly is gone.  I try to pray but I cant.  He didnt listen to me when I begged him not to take Frank from me so what do I pray for now?  I tried going back to church but I feel nothing.  People say its normal to be mad at god but Im not mad...I feel nothing.  When my little girl cries for her daddy and I cant do anything to make it better how could that be gods plan???? I am afraid everyday and dont know what to do.  I am trying hard to be strong for my kids but when I get into that empty bed at night I cry myself to sleep.  I keep the pillowcase he died on under my pillow hoping I will dream and he will tell me hes OK.  When I read all the posts and see all the pain were in I just dont understand and say why.  I guess we will never know but I am grateful for all of you who understand what I feel.  I wish you peace and some kind of happiness in 2011.  Love Renee 

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on January 3, 2011 at 9:47am

Dear Hurting,

Just to add a few thoughts, I do understand how you feel.  Intellectually, I know God wants only for me and all of us to feel His love, (in my opinion), but it is a natural reaction to get angry with Him, as I have said to myself, during these last 11 months, once in a while, 'How could you take him from me' but I do know He didn't do this to me (or anyone) on purpose.  It's just my subconsious talking because I hurt.  I can't even believe I actually said to myself in talking to Danny, 'How could you leave me' so I think it's the pain talking.  I know in my mind and my heart that neither Danny or God wants me to feel so bad, so that's why I (we) need guidance because no one has all the answers.  I agree with Christy that I've been saying all along to anyone who listens, like my therapist and Hospice grief group, that humans are humans and angels are angels, there is a difference and I don't think God interchanges His creations, although I believe all God's creatures including our spouse are with us.  I hope somehow you are feeling better since this post. Take care. 

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Christy on January 3, 2011 at 12:24pm

Dear Suzanne, thanks for your post. I don't mean to get all religious on anybody, it's just that I have been desperately seeking answers- why did this happen, where is he now- in heaven  or in the grave awaiting judgement? So, being raised Christian I have been pouring over several bibles which have given me new insight on our resurrection & heaven. I just want the truth. Of course the bible doesn't tell us everything as clearly as we would like, but it says alot! Also, I believe God will sustain us, care for us & strengthen us so that we in turn can help others in difficult times. I wish I could just disappear/vanish - really I just want my life with Larry back, but since I can't have that I'm looking 1st to survive each day, 2nd to thrive & 3rd to help others. If I can do that I will be satisfied. I hope I'm not a complete nut although I wouldn't argue with that assessment! ;-)

Suzanne said:

Dear Hurting,

Just to add a few thoughts, I do understand how you feel.  Intellectually, I know God wants only for me and all of us to feel His love, (in my opinion), but it is a natural reaction to get angry with Him, as I have said to myself, during these last 11 months, once in a while, 'How could you take him from me' but I do know He didn't do this to me (or anyone) on purpose.  It's just my subconsious talking because I hurt.  I can't even believe I actually said to myself in talking to Danny, 'How could you leave me' so I think it's the pain talking.  I know in my mind and my heart that neither Danny or God wants me to feel so bad, so that's why I (we) need guidance because no one has all the answers.  I agree with Christy that I've been saying all along to anyone who listens, like my therapist and Hospice grief group, that humans are humans and angels are angels, there is a difference and I don't think God interchanges His creations, although I believe all God's creatures including our spouse are with us.  I hope somehow you are feeling better since this post. Take care. 

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on January 3, 2011 at 12:24pm

suzanne: i am going to ask a very special person on this website to do something for you she cannot do it right now because she is in the hospital. she is a sweetheart looking out for everyone she was hit by a car new years eve but i will get in touch with her i will let you  know when it in put on the computer for you this is my gift to you for happiness

Suzanne said:

Dear Hurting,

I just don't know what to say.  It must be so difficult for you.  I am so sorry you are going through the pain of losing your husband and I am awaiting the day it will be exactly one year right around the corner for me.  January 22, 2010, in the early morning hours at about 3:30 a.m. Danny breathed his last breath.  The time the nurse wrote which was the time she pronounced it was 5:40 a.m.  I know this may seem silly or immature to some but I plan on not eating that day because it seems a solemn day for me, a day of mourning.  So I feel it would be a celebration of sorts if I were to go out with family and eat.  I don't want to eat, as I don't want to celebrate.  In fact I have just been consuming only what my body needs because I haven't been able to enjoy eating like I once did since I have been so distraught at his passing.  One day of fasting will not hurt me, so I will tell any family who wants to be together with me can go out the day before or the day after but on the 22nd of January I will be attending 2 Masses that I have arranged to be said for him at 2 different Churches.  Kind of a long story why it was 2.  I would have had 3 Masses but could almost hear Danny saying to me, 'what R U spending this money for? What a waste'  I am not looking forward to having this milestone come and go.  Don't want it to happen, and I don't want to move into another apartment either, but it looks inevitable.  So, long story short, I am totally stressed, extremely upset, I have been crying during the last few days and just trying to deal with the emotions, day by day, minute by minute.  I hate living without him but the only thing I can do is turn it over to God.  I believe he is at peace, but I'm not at peace nor I don't think I will ever be.  Now, life for me is all about me and that's what hurts the most.  I always hoped and prayed for him to get better, but I guess that's not God's plan and I have to ride this tidal wave, like it or not.  That's just me talking about my situation.  I believe you and I can still talk to our spouse and I've been told countless times that he will be with me wherever I am, and that God will fill the void for me, and I pray you and everyone here feels peace somehow.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on January 3, 2011 at 12:47pm

Hi Christy,  OMG, I am also searching for answers and I could have written your words myself.  All I know is what I know, and I also had no intention of spreading unsolitious Christianity because I understand this site is for everyone and anyone.  I don't want to disallow anyone needed support.  I can't help in knowing that because (I believe that) God created me (us) therefore only He sustain me (us).  I am so wanting concrete evidence and more than only believing without really knowing about what's beyond this life.  I can't help wondering, and only we can be there for each other, so maybe that's what we need to do for now.  After all I also believe God put us on this earth to help one another, maybe it's the way He meant it since only we who have experienced grief know each other's pain.  But, no Christy, we are not nuts, we are just grieving. 

God bless,

Suzanne.

P.S.  I am still remembering you, Hurting, in my prayers.

Christy said:

Dear Suzanne, thanks for your post. I don't mean to get all religious on anybody, it's just that I have been desperately seeking answers- why did this happen, where is he now- in heaven  or in the grave awaiting judgement? So, being raised Christian I have been pouring over several bibles which have given me new insight on our resurrection & heaven. I just want the truth. Of course the bible doesn't tell us everything as clearly as we would like, but it says alot! Also, I believe God will sustain us, care for us & strengthen us so that we in turn can help others in difficult times. I wish I could just disappear/vanish - really I just want my life with Larry back, but since I can't have that I'm looking 1st to survive each day, 2nd to thrive & 3rd to help others. If I can do that I will be satisfied. I hope I'm not a complete nut although I wouldn't argue with that assessment! ;-)

Suzanne said:

Dear Hurting,

Just to add a few thoughts, I do understand how you feel.  Intellectually, I know God wants only for me and all of us to feel His love, (in my opinion), but it is a natural reaction to get angry with Him, as I have said to myself, during these last 11 months, once in a while, 'How could you take him from me' but I do know He didn't do this to me (or anyone) on purpose.  It's just my subconsious talking because I hurt.  I can't even believe I actually said to myself in talking to Danny, 'How could you leave me' so I think it's the pain talking.  I know in my mind and my heart that neither Danny or God wants me to feel so bad, so that's why I (we) need guidance because no one has all the answers.  I agree with Christy that I've been saying all along to anyone who listens, like my therapist and Hospice grief group, that humans are humans and angels are angels, there is a difference and I don't think God interchanges His creations, although I believe all God's creatures including our spouse are with us.  I hope somehow you are feeling better since this post. Take care. 

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Connie on January 3, 2011 at 4:55pm

Suzanne,  I don't know if it would be easier if we would have actually had the opportunity to say "goodbye."  I just know that it is almost 14 months now and it hurts even more than it did that first day.  The quiet at home is sometimes unbearable.  I know that my husband is at peace because of the visit that I had from him several months ago when he told me that he can now walk without any pain and he looked just as he did before the first heart attack.  Maybe I am foolish to believe in this kind of thing but I do believe and believing makes me feel just a little better and that is what I need.  I send for masses for my husband.  It is not a waste of money.  Prayer is the only thing that can help.  It is also important for me to know that I am doing what I can for him.  I still love him very much and I cannot take off my wedding ring because I still feel that I am married to him.  One day we will be together again and I just wait for that day.  You need to do what is best for you on that day.  The children have their own lives and they are not experiencing the same that we are.    You are in my thoughts and prayers and somehow we will all get through this terrible time in our lives. 

Permalink Reply by Hurting on January 3, 2011 at 5:20pm

Thank you all for your responses and kind words.  Some of you experienced what I have.  Some of you did get a chance to get good bye but it doesn't seem that your pain is any less then mine.  So what I want to know is why does God do this?  I was not ready physically, mentally, emotionally or financially to deal with all this on my own.  When you are partners you get used to dealing with all the life's up & down together and lean on each other as needed.  This is probably one of the worst time in my life and I can't lean on him anymore.....  I have lot of my family and his family but doesn't seem like anybody else is effected by it.  I think that's what probably made my own pain so much harder to bear. If there is God, I just want to ask him - Why Me?????

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