Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jo on May 23, 2011 at 5:55pm

I'm sorry,but ANYONE,family or otherwise,who can be that insensative might not be worth knowing.That's not manipulation,it's cruelty.You need to do the things that feel right to you and no one else.Your Granddaughter is very impotant[I have 2 and adore them both] I don't want to go to 'Reunions" or any functions that I don't feel good about attending and if those people don't understand,too bad for them,not for me.Stay within your own comfort zone for as long as it takes and as I am finding,it may take a very long time.I wish you well.

Permalink Reply by janis on May 23, 2011 at 6:13pm

Thank you for your reply, Jo. I guess I am afraid of doing anything that will just add to the list of regrets I already have. Life IS too short and I just want to love my loved ones the best that I can while they (and I) are still living. Of course, I know that I am never going to please everyone....but I feel that I need to be there for my daughter and granddaughter right now. Thank you for your good advice...I am taking it!

Jo said:

I'm sorry,but ANYONE,family or otherwise,who can be that insensative might not be worth knowing.That's not manipulation,it's cruelty.You need to do the things that feel right to you and no one else.Your Granddaughter is very impotant[I have 2 and adore them both] I don't want to go to 'Reunions" or any functions that I don't feel good about attending and if those people don't understand,too bad for them,not for me.Stay within your own comfort zone for as long as it takes and as I am finding,it may take a very long time.I wish you well.

Permalink Reply by Jo on May 23, 2011 at 6:34pm

me again,

We all have regrets,and will probably have them forever,but threats from relatives should be on their regret list,not yours.i imagine that there will be other reunions,etc. that you will want to go to,but maybe this isn't the one.it is not being kind or supportive to threaten you! Does it somhow make them feel better to make you feel worse???? I have a sister-in-law who does that and I have finally gotten to the point where she is off my list.The fact that I tried to be friendly and got shot down,or completely ignored over tha past 8 months,just told me to stop waisting my time and move on to those who do care and will be supportive.I am much less stressed out.People have an agenda,and sometimes,I'll be damned if I know what it is,but I will continue to heal me and if others want to come along for the ride,on my terms,then welcome.

Permalink Reply by janis on May 23, 2011 at 6:50pm

Thanks again, Jo, for your thoughts on this. Usually every year, my sisters and I get together for a family reunion at the nursing home where my mother, who is almost 97, has been living. I realize that she may not be around much longer and would like to be able to see her once again. But, after this past week and the response, or lack thereof, from some in my extended family, I am not feeling comfortable about going there this time. It is true that we all live with regrets... and I know that no matter what I do there will still be something that I didn't do or do enough of so that when someone dies, I'll feel regret. But, like I said, I want/need to be near my children and their children as much as I can right now. Wonder why some in my family don't get that...

Jo said:

me again,

We all have regrets,and will probably have them forever,but threats from relatives should be on their regret list,not yours.i imagine that there will be other reunions,etc. that you will want to go to,but maybe this isn't the one.it is not being kind or supportive to threaten you! Does it somhow make them feel better to make you feel worse???? I have a sister-in-law who does that and I have finally gotten to the point where she is off my list.The fact that I tried to be friendly and got shot down,or completely ignored over tha past 8 months,just told me to stop waisting my time and move on to those who do care and will be supportive.I am much less stressed out.People have an agenda,and sometimes,I'll be damned if I know what it is,but I will continue to heal me and if others want to come along for the ride,on my terms,then welcome.

Permalink Reply by Connie on May 23, 2011 at 10:24pm

Pay no attention to what people tell you that you must do.  Do what you can when you feel you can do it.  Certainly, you would want to be with your granddaughter on her birthday.  People think they understand what losing a spouse is like but until they experience it, they don't know anything!   You need to ignore what people say and think of yourself and your children and grandchildren.