shock

It's been two years since my husband went with god, Richie was always healthy and on Nov 7th 2009 a saturday he thought he had heart burn by the sat night he fell to the floor in so much pain called the ambulance and went to the hospital and found out he had to heart attacks,an aneurysm in are aorta and a blood clot in his intestine.. They took 3 feet of his intestine and had to take out his colon. Richie would have to live with 2 bags . He could have never lived with that
cause he was the type of man that had to keep busy. I I'm being selfish but I needed him with me. He promised me we will be together forever like our wedding song always and forever. I'm still in shock he is not coming home. I went to the bereavement group and the doctor gave me depression pills and sleeping pills but nothing is working. I'm not made at god no more but I'm still kind of made at Richie for leaving me. I.don't know what else to do. I'm going crazy. Please can someone tell me when is the pain and shock going away. I really need help. No family and dont want to burden my friends because they dont understand they all mean well through.and my son tells me to stop crying so i cant talk to him either. Cant afford a therpist.

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Permalink Reply by janeo on January 29, 2012 at 10:57am

Dee, so sorry about last night I usally go this with my fone, cause I work and a not always by a computer. If you don't mind me asking when did your husband pass away? Word like yours is more comforting than groups they remind me of AA, By the book and not actually helping me. I learning more from this support group cause there is all stages of grief here not just new. I to learn different things how to manage my grief and made new friends along the way. I have only my son, my one brother-inlaw only called once since my husband passed and I had to yell at him for that one call. It's like we never exsisted. I think he was jeaulous of my husband and his other brother cause they had a house of their own and he still living in his mothers apartment upstairs with his kids and wife. But they are paying cheap rent they forget that. He always ran and never came downstairs when they showed up at their mothers house. My other brother - inlaw lives about a hour and a half from me so its kind of hard to get to me, cause he also is taking care of his mother and all her paper work cause she is in a siisted living residence. And he has to take care of his family as well so it's hard for him and the one I was talking about don't even help whens it comes to his mom. And as for friends I don't have any because after 30 years we were best friends we were always together.So thats why also love this site cause like I said before I made new friends which I hope your included. You sound like your a caring and loving person. And if there is anyway I can help you I will. Tell me more about your husband. Did he drive you crazy always working never relaxing like mine? I would yell at him you need to relax because he would start in the morning and never stop. Mine husband died on his birthday at 1:07 am he just turned 54 years old. Never in my wildest dreams did I think would happened I thought we had a life time together.

Your New Friend

Jane Favara

Permalink Reply by Dee W on January 29, 2012 at 11:41pm

No need to apologize about your phone. I'm glad my words were able to bring you some comfort. True, words from someone who's gone through it/ is going through it are more comforting than someone following a format who's never experienced this depth of grief.

I'm sorry you do not have family and friends to be there for you...oft times they just don't understand, know how to help or what to say. My husband's family was not close and my family does not understand. When I try to share some of what I'm experiencing, they reply, "you're strong! you'll make it through!" It's not that they're being calloused...just that they've never experienced it so they do not understand. They've always known me to "be strong" and so that is what is expected still. Thankfully, I have a wonderful church family and friends who are so supportive and are here for me knowing that just because time has past does not mean it's all well and good. You will meet wonderful people on here and hopefully we can be those friends you're needing to help comfort, support, and listen.

I am so sorry ~ that had to be tough with him passing on his birthday.

My husband passed 9 months ago at the age of 47....his birthday is coming up the end of Feb. I'm not as far along in the grieving process to be able to say when exactly the pain will pass, but I do know it will be different for each person. For me, I'm trying to deal with my grief while also trying to help my children heal (they're still minors so it's been very difficult for them also). We, too, thought we had many many more years together. Never dreamed this would happen.

Yes, he did drive me crazy by constantly working and never relaxing. I was always telling him to take a day off and rest but even on his "days off," he'd find something that "had to be done" or someone would ask for his help. Or he'd say, "once this job is finished" but then there was always the next.

The day before he passed, I remember him saying, "I just want to rest. I need a day to rest." But he wasn't able to that day...someone was insistent he HAD to come help them. Looking back, I can see the look on his face was one who was worn out and tired. The next day (the day he passed) he could have taken the time off. He was really hurting but didn't let me know how much. He came home at lunch and said he was going to take the rest of the day off but after sitting a short time jumped back up and went back to work. I begged him to rest but he wouldn't. I kept asking him if he wanted to go to the hospital but he kept down-playing it saying he was ok. That was the last thing he said to me...as he was laying on the bed, I asked if he was sure he didn't want me to take him to the hospital. He said, "no, I'll be ok" then suddenly had a massive heart attack as I watched helplessly. I immediately called 911, performed CPR until the medics arrived (unfortunately, my children witnessed all this), but the EMT's couldn't revive him.

After all that, I ended up in the ER a short time later because my potassium level dropped dangerously low. Everyone thought it was just shock but I felt something else was wrong. I'm thankful I insisted they call the ambulance back or my kids may have lost me too. That had to have been the most terrifying night they've ever endured. Then 1 month after my husband passed, my mother ended up in the hospital and thought I was going to lose her, too. It's been a rough year but we're healing and making it through.

Permalink Reply by Nona on January 30, 2012 at 8:02pm

I too am sorry for your lost. I don't think as couples we pay much attention to the "Till Death do Us part" reference. I was married for 36 years and I always thought he would always be here for me as I would be for him.

When he passed I felt the first 6 months wondering why God did this to me when I know so many unhappy couples there are why us. One day clear as a bell I heard the words why not you. I was instructed to read the book of Job which haven't finished as of yet.

Times are getting better but when I have one of "those days" I can barely focus. Once I make it out of it I'm fine untend the happy moments in my life now.

Nona

Susan Gene Guenther said:

I am sorry for your loss. Fred, my husband and I had the "Till Death do Us part" taken out of our vows.

I want to be with him now, even though I know it is selfish with me being so blessed with 4 grown adult kids and 13 grandkids. I still want to join him. I hurt so bad, I can't stand the pain. Maybe in a few more months, I can feel differently, but right now it hasn't been 3 months yet and I can't imagine it being two years. I just want the pain to go away. In the process of all of this happening, my husband's wedding band disappeared and I have to live that. Not knowing what happened to it, makes me sad.

Thanks Sue

Permalink Reply by Dee W on January 30, 2012 at 10:30pm

Nona, I think we do hear the "till death do us part" in our vows but we envision being in our 80's or 90's before that happens. My husband passed just shy of our 19th wedding anniversary...we both thought we had so many more years together.

Asking 'why?' is a normal part of grief. I still ask 'why?' sometimes but I conclude with "although i may not understand, still I will trust You!"

I, too, am trying to focus on the happy times. I have 3 children who need me to show them how to mourn but also to show them we have hope and it's ok to smile and enjoy life again because we WILL see him again.

I wouldn't be able to make it through without God in my life.

Nona Burns said:

I too am sorry for your lost. I don't think as couples we pay much attention to the "Till Death do Us part" reference. I was married for 36 years and I always thought he would always be here for me as I would be for him.

When he passed I felt the first 6 months wondering why God did this to me when I know so many unhappy couples there are why us. One day clear as a bell I heard the words why not you. I was instructed to read the book of Job which haven't finished as of yet.

Times are getting better but when I have one of "those days" I can barely focus. Once I make it out of it I'm fine untend the happy moments in my life now.

Nona

Permalink Reply by Jerry on January 30, 2012 at 11:23pm

It has been just over two years that my wife is gone and every day there are times that it hits me hard. The thing that makes me the most happy, being with my grand kids, also makes me the saddest when I realize what she is missing out on Reading Fred's post was very helpful. My mom passed away a year ago and for some reason it has not affected me, even though we were very close. I have been seeing a therapist and he tells me it is post traumatic stress disorder, my mind blocking her death out, because the two deaths were to much for me to handle. My mom was 88 and she lived a good and full life, my wife was just 55 and still had a lot to live for, but as Fred wrote her passing was in Gods plan.

Permalink Reply by janeo on January 31, 2012 at 5:31am

Jerry, It's been 2 years for me and still in shock he is not coming home. I'm so sorry for both your losses and my new friend. Just know we are all here for you. Just speak what you feel and we will listen ok.
New friend
Jane

Permalink Reply by Jerry on January 31, 2012 at 6:58am

Since I found and joined this group, I have been reading all the posts and sometimes writing. I feel it helps me to see that I am not alone in still being in a stateb of grief even though a considerable amount of time has passed since my wife passed away. I know that losing your partner for life,at least for me was much harder then losing a parent, which in most cases would be the natural order of life. It's like all that was planned or hoped for was taken away.
I am taking things one day at a time now, and trying to do the best I can for my children and grand kids.

Permalink Reply by Dee W on January 31, 2012 at 10:05pm

Jerry, that's what we all have to do...just keep taking one day at a time and keep your focus on being here for your kids and grandkids.