I don't feel like anyone in the outside world understands me, even some who are in grief, which is very surprising to me.  There are a few, especially those here on legacy.  Everyone thinks we can think our way out of this.  I don't believe I'm choosing to be negative. I honestly feel that this life I am living would not be what I'd want it to be, but it can't be any other way without Danny with me. There was a time when I thought I am deciding that this is my life now.  But I really don't have a choice.  I know in my heart that nobody deserves to feel this pain.  I don't think I deserve to feel such sorrow either.  It's almost 10 months for me in which I haven't spoken to him (I mean in the physical sense) and I'm still crying, and don't know how I could ever again be in a happy mood for any length of time, as I have inadvertantly fooled some  to think I'm ok.  I can't believe some of my family don't or can't know what I'm feeling.  For months I have been thinking, 'well, they don't know what to say,' or 'I should call them,' which I did, or 'they are suffering his loss too.'  But it seems every one is getting on with their life and expecting me to do the same.  I keep thinking how cold and insensitive some can be.  I am living the life of a recluse, I feel none of my family can help me now and how alone and mortal I am.  I am devastated at his loss and just going through the motions.  I am either walking around in shock or crying.  It's like I am on day one and the fog has lifted and I have just begun to grieve again.  I really think this will continue this way for the remainder of my life.  I have no interests in anything.  On other grief sites I noticed that they list their hobbies and interests on their personal pages which include music of all things.  It hurts my heart to hear any music whatsoever. I feel like I'm slowly dieing.  Good thing my appt. for the therapist is on Wednesday.  Don't have anything else to look forward to.  Had to share as I haven't gotten any sleep yet.  Don't know what else to say. Thank you for all your replies to my other posts.  I'm sorry I have had other things on my mind because I wanted to answer you all but I couldn't concentrate.  But I'll keep in touch.

God bless and hugs to you all,

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

suzanne: i am so so sorry that you are going thru the hurt you are feeling i pray for you every day to have you be healed. suzanne i am sorry that i cannot help you thru the pain & sadness you are feeling. i guess i am in the same situtation as everyone is but my sister keeps me busy running around with her and her friends. sometimes i just do not feel like going but i make myself go because if i do not i know i will go back to bed and just lay there. i to am having trouble sleeping at night sometimes i feel i am rocking myself to sleep but at night all i do is go home from work put on my pj and sit on the couch and watch tv funny i was watching beaches over the weekend and the song wings beneath my wings came on well i sang the song and cried at the same time: again suzanne please take care of yourself go to the therapist to seek help suzanne i am very worried about you because you are having such a rough time please keep in touch hugs
Suzanne,
I'll just say it: this sucks! Nobody knows what you are going through- nobody except God and honestly, He is the only one who matters anyway. He is the only one who can help you get through your day and give you peace to get some sleep at night. Forgive me, I know this is not a religious site, but I advise you to PRAY- that is to get on your knees and pour out your heart- no need to say anything, just cry or if you have anything to say, say it. Open a bible and search it & keep searching it. If you are truely seeking answers you will find them there. I said seek because it's not the same as just opening it up & reading. Start somewhere in the New Testament. This is how I survive now- it truely comforts me.
Family and friends will say things like "I'm sorry you are having a bad day." What? I am having a bad day everyday since Larry died. I can't breathe, I can't move, or think... Then there are those who try to relate because they have experienced some loss, like the girl who broke up with her boyfriend after he cheated on her so now she thinks she knows what it's like to be alone without the guy you love! Help us! Even those who have truely grieved the loss of a loved one can't know the extent of your feelings & the deepth of your suffering, but they can relate & provide some amount of advice or comfort or lend an ear. That's what we are here for.
As for music, I just read in Proverbs last night about how sweet music to a heavy heart is not welcomed-paraphrasing here. I didn't even realize it but I haven't been listening to music either.
I am glad you feel better talking with a therapist. Whatever helps as long as it doesn't hurt you or someone else in the long run. Stay in touch- Christy
Hi Suzanne, sorry for your lost. I lost my wife 15 months ago and I still miss her very much. I can relate with what you said because at first I felt the same as you about my wife. Your lost will never get better but hopefully you will learn to live with it. Always remember that your husband would want you to go on with your life as normal as you can and to be happy. That for some of us takes a lot of time. So be easy on yourself, be patient, and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Ed
Hi Suzanne, sorry for your lost. I lost my wife 15 months ago and I still miss her very much. I can relate with what you said because at first I felt the same as you about my wife. Your lost will never get better but hopefully you will learn to live with it. Always remember that your husband would want you to go on with your life as normal as you can and to be happy. That for some of us takes a lot of time. So be easy on yourself, be patient, and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Ed
Suzanne,
Don't be so hard on yourself, I don't think anything that your experiencing is out of the ordinary. EVERYONE grieves in his or her own way. I can tell you from experience though that I seemed to do better when I reached out to people. One day at a time is all you can do. On the 31st of Nov. it will be 18 months since I lost my Dear Husband and I have to be honest in saying that I still haven't slept through the night yet. I have no choice but to get up and get moving as we have a 15 year old daughter, I can't say what I would have done if not for her.
You will come to find "moments" of happiness and some of the painful memories of your husband will be some of them :) It's absolutely exhilarating when an incident that was special to both of you comes to mind and you find your self smiling instead of crying. baby steps.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers
vicki
Suzanne:
" I can't believe some of my family don't or can't know what I'm feeling. For months I have been thinking, 'well, they don't know what to say,' or 'I should call them,' which I did, or 'they are suffering his loss too.' But it seems every one is getting on with their life and expecting me to do the same. I keep thinking how cold and insensitive some can be. I am living the life of a recluse, I feel none of my family can help me now and how alone and mortal I am. I am devastated at his loss and just going through the motions". Dear girl, know that WE UNDERSTAND. I thought my family was being insensitive and uncaring also until I finally confronted them. Turned out they were trying to help me by never talking about Bill or sharing anything about him. My BIL said "But you cry everytime I say Bill's name". I said yes and I probably will continue to for a very long time but its okay. i need to cry but I need to cry because you are sharing about how much Bill meant to you as a friend and brother so they can be happy tears instead of crying in private cus no one cares anymore. It has really made a difference. I have told them to please share anything anytime they want about dear Bill because I need to remember he was loved by lots of people and they do miss him to. Just the other day same bro went hunting and was telling me how the special place he took Bill hunting his first time here in SC was exactly where he went that morning and there was the most beautiful buck just waiting to be our dinner next week. We laughed and cried together and my daughter and I both said, Yep, Bill led you back to the perfect spot to get that deer for us because it was the first for bro since Bill passed. Now bro understood what I meant about sharing with me. It felt so good to share that story. He had also used one of the guns Bill gave him just before he passed which meant even more. (The bro and guns in the picture on MyPage). I do hope the therapist tomorrow can help you sort thru these things and all will smooth out. Know we are here for you okay..
SUZANNE, I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE SUFFERING SO MUCH. I DO HOPE WHEN YOU SEE YOUR THERAPIST IT WILL HELP YOU. I TRULY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE I AM FEELING THE SAME FEELINGS THAT YOU ARE. I FEEL VERY MUCH ALONE AND OTHER THAN THIS SITE HAVE NO SUPPORT SYSTEM.TRY NOT TO BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF, WE ALL GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY. I WAS TOLD THAT IT IS A LONG DRAWN OUT PROCESS FOR SOME OF US. IF YOU ARENT SLEEPING IT CAN MAKE THINGS ALOT MORE OUT OF CONTROL. LACK OF SLEEP ALWAYS MAKES MY EMOTIONS WORSE THAN WHEN I GET REST. JUST KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE WITH YOUR FEELINGS AND THAT WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU.
Hi Kathy O,
You are helping me, maybe you don't realize it, but it feels good to have an understanding friend and I thank you so much for your prayers. It's good you have your sister to keep you occupied. I have sisters, one of which calls me when she can, one gives me a ride whenever she can to my grief and bereavement meetings at Hospice, and my other sister takes me out for a drive and we go out to eat and this all does help the soul. Even though I come back to an empty apartment and go to bed alone I think of the funny things we both said and I forget for a few moments during the day. We need distractions and it I have heard it's good to have something to look forward to. But I don't feel like I do, but when I read your replies, it makes me feel better. We are all going through this and it's good to rely on one another but I also know that we must take care of ourselves as well. Hugs and peace.
God bless,
Suzanne

Hi Christy,
I couldn't agree more, it does suck, this life of grief and sadness. I do say prayers, each and every day and I remember you and everyone in hopes we find our way and have peace in our life. I don't see it right now but all we can do is pray. I have been praying with gratitude and praise each and every day, yet I am crying in the early mornings lately and then I pray that we all have peace and that the suffering of the whole world will end some some day. I also read the Bible daily but maybe I will take on your suggestion as well for more help and comfort, so I thank you for reminding me of that as a way to help ourselves. Good one! I understand completely when others are not able to understand those of us who have lossed a spouse as we all have our individual experiences. I forget when those times come when I can't sleep when I'm unable to think rationally. Of course there is nothing rational about our spouse gone from this life forever, we are left to comprehend the impossible. I guess a day at a time, we have to manage. About music, it still hurts my heart to hear it. About TV and/or movies, it hurts after I'm into a movie and then when the movie or program is over, I remember.... and I am sad again. How it hurts, but I do know we are all hurting. About going to the therapist, I have been going now and look forward to the time, but when I leave I feel like what needs to be accomplished is a mountain high.
But I thank you for your support and help. Peace and hugs to you.
God bless,
Suzanne

Dear Ed,
Thank you for your thoughts. I am sorry for your loss also and will remember you in my prayers.
God bless,
Suzanne

Dear Vicki,
Yes, we all grieve in our own way. Thank you for your support. I'm sorry for your loss and you are in my prayers as well.
God bless,
Suzanne

Dear Kathy K,
I know what you mean, we really don't know what's going on in people's minds. Maybe when I gain some courage, I'll talk to family/friends openly and honestly, let them know how I feel and ask them, 'What the hell were you thinking?" LoL I'm joking. I haven't lost my humor, which I loved about Danny, but I never thought of actually speaking one on one with Dan's family or mine, because I still think I would have to give a detailed elongated explanation of how it feels to be widowed, and I don't want to scare them. I just pray that I know it's naive but maybe they won't have to go through this. Maybe Jesus will come. LoL I'm just biding my time for when the time is right for me to say to any of my loved ones what I'm going through, and just speak to each, one at a time, when the time presents itself. But I do thank you for reminding me about that. At 3 or 4 in the morning I sort of lose the sense of any rational thought as I mentioned before, but you are so right. I am really glad you got through to your family and that it helped you. About my therapist, I will have to make a point of mentioning all these current problems when I see her tomorrow. Thanks again for that, too, and for being there. Hugs.
God bless,
Suzanne

Hi Cindy,
I do know that you share my feelings and that you understand as all of us are grieving in our own way. Thank you for always knowing what to say. I am so sorry you and all of us are going through what in my opinion is the worst possible traumatic experience the psyche can go through. May we all have peace and rest tonight. We can only live one day at a time and I am grateful you are here to remind me I am not alone and we all have each other. Hugs to you.
God bless,
Suzanne
Suzanne,
I hope you are feeling a little better by now. I just got back from my first visit to psychiatrist and I feel like he gave me several things to think about and things that my son might be dealing with that I can talk to him about that might help both of us deal with all of this pain. I hope you had good luck with the doctor you choose. My mom thinks my asking for help is a sign of weakness and that the Dr will blame all my problems on her. Well I think she is incredibly lucky to still have my father around and that she just might be part of my problem!! Not that she will recognize it.
Thinking of you!
Dear Audrey,
I just wanted to say this day has brought some mixed blessings and stresses, but I have calmed down for now and I really appreciate your kind words. I wasn't able to see my therapist but I've gotten some help from various sources, the Hospice meeting on Thursday as well as one of my sisters and even though I'm alone and have been distracted, a good thing, I reread what you all have replied to me and I am comforted. It is the opinion of many, many people that reaching out for help is a sign that we are human and we can't do everything for ourselves, and so I, for one, have come to the conclusion that talking to professionals who are in the specialized field of grief and mourning is a strength rather than a weakness. I think it is in our weakness that we gain strength. Sort of like Barbra Streisand's song, "people who need people are the luckiest people in the world." It is just my opinion that we are all here to help one another, and who else can someone but one who is going through the very same thing. "No man is an island" also is ringing in my ears. We can't live without each other. Well, anyway, I'm glad you have the chance to have someone who can provide food for thought for you. Everyone is different, too. All I know is I need help and you are helping me, as well as everyone on legacy and at support meetings and the therapist I go to. I hope she is ok, as she had to go to the hospital for an emergency for herself, but I guess her supervisor can't disclose personal information so I don't know when she'll be back, but I'd rather wait until she is better. I'd rather not explain my situation all over again to a new therapist. She was the second therapist that left for a crisis. Do you think I am a jinx? I'm only kidding. I guess I am feeling better.
Take care.
Suzanne




Audrey said:
Suzanne,
I hope you are feeling a little better by now. I just got back from my first visit to psychiatrist and I feel like he gave me several things to think about and things that my son might be dealing with that I can talk to him about that might help both of us deal with all of this pain. I hope you had good luck with the doctor you choose. My mom thinks my asking for help is a sign of weakness and that the Dr will blame all my problems on her. Well I think she is incredibly lucky to still have my father around and that she just might be part of my problem!! Not that she will recognize it.
Thinking of you!

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