The Beginning of the End

I started another book on grief and recovery and this paragraph really stuck.

"One day you will come to realize that you have started to remember some of the negative things about him or her. You will actually know that you are beginning to heal when you can recall a more balanced, objective memory of your loved one. Your grief will eventually resolve only if you mourn a human, not a saint. So in order to complete the grief process, you must eventually look closely at the whole relationship, the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly."

The author says it is perfectly normal and part of the grief process to idealize our spouse and only let ourselves think of the great wonderful things about them during this mourning process but eventually we will begin to remember they were human. We tend to blame ourselves for them not going to the doctor sooner, blame ourselves for not making them quit smoking sooner but we must remember they were adults who made these choices for themselves. It is just easier right now to blame ourselves than to be mad at them because they are not here to defend themselves. This is all perfectly normal. We are human too. I hope no one thinks I am being negative or anything. Just thought this was a good reminder. Another of her comments tells us to stop covering up our grief and letting others think "we are fine". NO YOU ARE NOT she says. Don't cater to the feelings of others, it is not helpful. Surround yourself instead with people who "get it" and will allow you to tell your story of grief over and over or cry when you need to without judging you. It is not time for you to get on with your life until you are good and ready, AND DON"T ACT OTHERWISE. This makes me think of all you wonderful friends here. Thanks for being here for me. Hugs to you all.

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Permalink Reply by Edler Sterling Broussard on February 18, 2011 at 7:13pm

Thanks Kathy, I needed to read this, makes perfect sense. Hugs, Ed

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on February 18, 2011 at 7:20pm

Thanks Kathy
That touched me on many levels. I have been reading a book of daily meditations, and your paragraph reminded me of something I had read. When people ask me how I am I say things like I'm fine right now. Or, I tell them I'm up and down. I love to hear people tell me their memories of Dave. For an instant, he is back with me.
I wish I wasn't going through this...who doesn't!! Unfortunately,i am going down this road alone, with all of you by my side.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on February 18, 2011 at 8:00pm

Kathy, I agree with Elder,this makes perfect sense. Thanks so much for posting, and for your wise words. You have helped me so much in the last 4 months since Jim has been gone. Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by Joan on February 18, 2011 at 10:57pm

Kathy, thank you for posting this. I went to a counselor a few times, and she told me almost the same thing. Reading it again is good reinforcement.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on February 19, 2011 at 2:45am

Hi Kathy,

I hope you don't mind my giving my opinion but I know my husband with all his imperfections, faults, shortcomings and issues as well as my own, good, bad, ugly makes no difference because I miss him and grieve for him regardless. I would rather see him on his worst day alive and nothing would heal me unless I were to have him physically with me. I don't think of him as a Saint, I love him because he is human and because he's my husband. Maybe it's the author's opinion but I have heard this objective statement before but I don't agree with it. To me, this would not mean I am healing, I would think it would mean my heart is turning to stone, but that's just my thought. And my thoughts are not everyone else's thoughts, but I understand we all have our own perspective. I have heard time and time again for the last year and 3 weeks that one really never gets over grief, they just learn how to manage the pain. I don't think grief ever really gets resolved.

Regarding telling others that I'm fine when I'm really not, I know what you mean. But, I want to be careful who I let in to my confidence. It just opens up the door for more explaining and with certain people that I know, they'll never understand in a million years until it happens to them. Maybe this is somewhat naive, but I would hope they would never have to find out. However, I really do believe in surrounding ourselves with only those who "get it." Also, I couldn't agree with you more about the author stating it is not time to get on with our life until we are good and ready. I'd like to add we would be the only one to know when we are ready. Like I said, my comments are just the way I think, so I truly hope I didn't offend anyone.

God bless, Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Floss on February 19, 2011 at 3:41am

Suzanne said:

Hi Kathy,

I hope you don't mind my giving my opinion but I know my husband with all his imperfections, faults, shortcomings and issues as well as my own, good, bad, ugly makes no difference because I miss him and grieve for him regardless. I would rather see him on his worst day alive and nothing would heal me unless I were to have him physically with me. I don't think of him as a Saint, I love him because he is human and because he's my husband. Maybe it's the author's opinion but I have heard this objective statement before but I don't agree with it. To me, this would not mean I am healing, I would think it would mean my heart is turning to stone, but that's just my thought. And my thoughts are not everyone else's thoughts, but I understand we all have our own perspective. I have heard time and time again for the last year and 3 weeks that one really never gets over grief, they just learn how to manage the pain. I don't think grief ever really gets resolved.

Regarding telling others that I'm fine when I'm really not, I know what you mean. But, I want to be careful who I let in to my confidence. It just opens up the door for more explaining and with certain people that I know, they'll never understand in a million years until it happens to them. Maybe this is somewhat naive, but I would hope they would never have to find out. However, I really do believe in surrounding ourselves with only those who "get it." Also, I couldn't agree with you more about the author stating it is not time to get on with our life until we are good and ready. I'd like to add we would be the only one to know when we are ready. Like I said, my comments are just the way I think, so I truly hope I didn't offend anyone.

God bless, Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Floss on February 19, 2011 at 3:44am

Suzanne,

I agree with everything, you have stated. I have joined a group, that have lost a spouse, as I am finding it difficult to explain to people, how I am feeling. I do feel so empty, at 8 months into my loss

Permalink Reply by Virginia on February 19, 2011 at 5:38am

Kathy,Thanks for sharing this and I find it to be true.That is the way it is never wanting to speak ill of the deceased,but they were human with faults just like we are. Hugs

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on February 19, 2011 at 7:24am

I appreciate all the comments. I find I can read some books some of the time and yesterday was one of those days so I was happy for some of the statements to let me understand I am on track. I totally understand Suzanne and your grief situation. We are all individuals and the author can't possibly address all our own personal issues. I will continue to pray for you and hope things get calmer for you.

Permalink Reply by Floss on February 20, 2011 at 3:34pm

see below

Permalink Reply by Floss on February 20, 2011 at 3:42pm

Maggie, I am also going down this road alone, and it is awful, those that have not lost a spouse, just dont get it. I dont get calls anymore, and that is so hurtful, people think I can cope, when really that is just the opposite. I just say to myself what comes around goes around, omg, dont even know if that is the correct phrase, my mind goes really blank, and I am hating that, lol. I am angry at the moment, but dont show it, as I feel the rejection of others not in my shoes. SORRY I reposted this, as I try to edit and it wouldnt let me. I go to 2 and sometimes 3 groups some weeks, and that is a good outlet for me. And I just feel the people there, are better than my family at the moment, how weird is that

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on February 20, 2011 at 5:54pm

Floss, my best friend lost her husband two years ago. I went to the funeral, and called her a few times, and that was it. We are separated by miles. Since my husband died, she has continued to call me at least once a week. I said something about it today. I felt guilty about not calling her when she was newly grieving, and she said...how could you have known.