Even though I knew my husband had cancer and his prognosis was bad I couldn't accept it. We never really talked about him dieing.
There were so many things left unsaid. I should have told him how much I would miss him. I should have told him what he has meant to me all these years. I should have told him thank you for being my husband and putting up with me. I should have told him how sorry I was for all the stupid things I would get mad at him for. I should have told him he would always be in my heart. I should have told him I will never forget him. I should have told him thank you for all he did for me.
I should have told him so much and feel so horrible I didn't : (
i understand, my husband had kidney failure and was on dialysis for 8 years, while we fought the disease every day, and he was so close to getting a kidney, we still talked about death and dying and how I was to go on after he died. We talked about it lot. But you know what, there are still a million things I would have said,/ we all have unfinished business. I got to the hospital 10minutes after he died, and I was so sorry that i didnt get in that last "Ilove you" , I wanted to know if he was okay when he left...I hated that I wasnt there to ease him through it....I was plagued with feeling " was he upset with me , was he frightened, was he sad"???so on. Then a very gifted person that I know, came to me a few days after the service,and told me that Byron had communicated with him after pasing and said that before he died, he was thinking of something that I would do to make him laugh , when he wasnt feeling well/" He said it was something only I would know about, and that no matter how bad he felt , whenever I did this thing, he would laugh'. He said that he was thinking of that when he left, and tht he left in a joyous way. "Well Kim,, the thing that I would do was a silly dance ,(in the buff) where I would do a Beyonce-like dance,and he would just crack up laughing. " Might I mention that I am not built anything like Beyonce, and I dont look one bit like her, Im 5'9" tall and weigh over 200 lbs. And I would give him a big grin( without my dentures in). We had lots of fun together. So I bet your husband knew all the stuff you wanted to say.
Look, you stayed with him when he was given a bad prognosis, you loved him so much you couldnt talk about it,,,,everyone is different...You didnt run away from him....that says it all....I dont know what you beleive in, but I beleive you can still tell him....Or ask God to tell him. i will pray for you to forgive yourself for being human...