Well I'm still here. 

There were many days when it felt as though I could never go on by myself.  The feelings though not as raw still permeate within me, an ever lasting reminder of the tragedy I live with daily.  Sometimes I feel as though I've been running away from the sadness.  I don't think this is what "moving on" really means but it is the best I can do.  I can smile now thinking of him but always through a mask of tears.  My yartzeit candle will burn out soon but my love for Martin will never die.

Thanks for listening...

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Replies to This Discussion

It is hard to go on by yourself but somehow we do it. I, too, have realized at times that I am trying to avoid the sadness and I think that's ok and part of healing but we can't avoid it for long before the pressure of what we are bottling up inside explodes.  I'm learning just to let the tears flow when they come and because of that, the pain is easing and the tears are getting less frequent.  Doesn't mean I don't miss him any less but the intensity of the grief is getting lesser and lesser making it easier to get through each moment it does hit.

((hugs)) to you as you are getting through the second year

That's what were here for to express yourself. Even just for while you'll feel better. And you will have a better day for that. My prayers is always with you.

Jane Favara said:
That's what were here for to express yourself. Even just for while you'll feel better. And you will have a better day for that. My prayers is always with you.

Thanks Dee and Jane for your kind remarks. 

The support from people who share in the pain and sadness of losing one's partner is immeasurable.  

Many times it's gotten me through a hard day.

My loving thoughts go out to you.

Victoria, I just wanted to check in and see how your doing.

march 26th, 2010 was the day my husband died, my world fell apart and the sadness everyday comes and goes now.  I will never forget him no matter what sometimes I just talk to him somehow I feel he is watching over me, I feel his presence and his love. Losing my spouse was the hardest thing I ever have had to face my faith that I will see him in heaven gives me strength to go on.  God Bless friends this site help people in many ways to go on without the ones we love.

Victoria ... glad you are still here ... so am I!  I know how you feel as I have had quite the ride recently too.  Sometimes I am laughing along with others or I can make people laugh, but always in the back of my mind my Ernie is there.  So, I thought 'my Ernie is with me and he would get a kick out of this.'  Still, I have my downfalls and as soon as I have a few days of peace the tears flow again.  I am in the midst of selling his truck/camper/boat and trailer and started to cry because I realized it was a closure to the hopes and dreams Ernie and I had together.  It has set me back a little.  Also, I am facing surgery in August for a cyst on my left ovary that is scaring me to death even though I have a good support system with family and friends.  There is no specific length of time for grieving and each day we put a foot forward we will get into our own different lifestyle without our loved one, but it takes time so don't rush it.  I still feel that raw hurt in my heart over Ernie, but feel he is in a better place and that one day when it's time for me he'll be waiting for me.


You are not running away from sadness at all.  You are becoming accustomed a little at a time to getting to know 'you'; your strengths and weaknesses and starting slowly to carve out a life.  It can be a slow process, but suprisingly enough we are all heros in our own right for taking baby steps to get over our grief.  I too can smile and talk about Ernie to others even though I can still get teary-eyed. 


You're going to make it!  You will find happiness in the future and shouldn't feel guilty about it as your loved one would want you to be happy.





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