Valentine's Day

I just have to say that I am having a really hard time dealing with Valentine's day coming up. No matter where you look, on TV, at the store, in the paper that is all you see is advertising it. It is just a constant reminder that I am no longer a part of a couple. For all the people that are couples in the world I wish them long happy lives together, but I certainly will be glad when it is over and I don't have to be reminded of it everywhere I go. I just had to say this and I hope no one takes offense about it. It's just that I think if anyone understands how I feel it will be the wonderful people on this site. Okay I will quit rambling now. Hugs and peace to you all.

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Permalink Reply by Brigitte on February 13, 2011 at 4:59pm

I have read a wonderful book called Lost My Partner What'll I Do? Below is an article that I received from the newsletter that is sent from the authors of this book. They are Laurie Spector and Ruth Spector Webster. My husband died July 2009 and this will be my second Valentine's day without him. It is VERY hard to go to Hallmark stores and not pick up that "special" hubby card. I've done it many times. And this year I actually bought one for Douglas and I will write in it and sign it with all my love. It will be put in the memory book that I have put together of our life together (32 years). I cried and I miss him. I love him more than ever, but that didn't stop me from buying a card and expressing in writting how I feel about him. It made my heart feel better. Baby steps, that is what I am taking, baby steps! I wish all of you a Valentine's Day full of love, memories, ease of pain, and most of all, happiness!

In peace,

Brigitte

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE’S BLUES IF YOU’RE WIDOWED

It’s all around you: painful reminders that you don’t have that “someone special” with whom to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Although your spouse/partner isn’t here to share the day, consider expanding your definition of what the word “love” really means.

This year, remind yourself that “love” isn’t just limited by the type of relationship you shared with your spouse/partner. By widening your scope a bit, you can embrace all the other relationships in your life where you give and receive affection. This can mean including relationships such as family members and good friends.

Use the Valentine’s holiday to show your appreciation of these other important personal relationships in some of the following ways:

Schedule an outing or meal such as lunch or dinner to get together with a good friend or family member.
Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this childhood custom with relatives and friends.
Show yourself some appreciation. Think back and list on a valentine card at least two things you’ve achieved since your spouse’s death that you used to think weren’t possible. It’s important to give yourself credit for the progress you’ve made.
Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a gift (hobby items or clothes or yes, a box of chocolates).

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, begin a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on February 13, 2011 at 5:40pm

Thank you so much Bridgette for sharing. THis was so perfect. My sis & her hubby took me out yesterday and it was so special to celebrate with them. They made me special. My daughter gave me a beautiful miniature rose plant (she remembered daddy always gave me roses). Today I took myself shopping and got some special gifts for a secret sister at church. We can make the day special if we open our horizons. Good luck to everyone. Make it special because you are..

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 13, 2011 at 6:31pm

Thank you Brigette for sharing. I have been beside myself this week. I've been wanting to do something for Larry- like put something special at the cemetary, but haven't done a thing. I went to the Christian bookstore last p.m. searching for the perfect something & saw several nice things, but left empty handed. I am so lost. Maybe I can find a special card as you have done-

Thankyou and best wishes, Christy

Brigitte said:

I have read a wonderful book called Lost My Partner What'll I Do? Below is an article that I received from the newsletter that is sent from the authors of this book. They are Laurie Spector and Ruth Spector Webster. My husband died July 2009 and this will be my second Valentine's day without him. It is VERY hard to go to Hallmark stores and not pick up that "special" hubby card. I've done it many times. And this year I actually bought one for Douglas and I will write in it and sign it with all my love. It will be put in the memory book that I have put together of our life together (32 years). I cried and I miss him. I love him more than ever, but that didn't stop me from buying a card and expressing in writting how I feel about him. It made my heart feel better. Baby steps, that is what I am taking, baby steps! I wish all of you a Valentine's Day full of love, memories, ease of pain, and most of all, happiness!

In peace,

Brigitte

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE’S BLUES IF YOU’RE WIDOWED

It’s all around you: painful reminders that you don’t have that “someone special” with whom to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Although your spouse/partner isn’t here to share the day, consider expanding your definition of what the word “love” really means.

This year, remind yourself that “love” isn’t just limited by the type of relationship you shared with your spouse/partner. By widening your scope a bit, you can embrace all the other relationships in your life where you give and receive affection. This can mean including relationships such as family members and good friends.

Use the Valentine’s holiday to show your appreciation of these other important personal relationships in some of the following ways:

Schedule an outing or meal such as lunch or dinner to get together with a good friend or family member.

Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this childhood custom with relatives and friends.

Show yourself some appreciation. Think back and list on a valentine card at least two things you’ve achieved since your spouse’s death that you used to think weren’t possible. It’s important to give yourself credit for the progress you’ve made.

Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a gift (hobby items or clothes or yes, a box of chocolates).

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, begin a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 13, 2011 at 6:42pm

Debbie,

I am so glad you wrote this. I have been having the hardest time with this also. I flip past the t.v. commercials because they are to painful to watch. Seeing couples, especially older couples, makes me so jealous and I have never been a jealous person before! I feel like someone has stolen my most precious possession and I can't live without it! We were just getting started, we had so many plans and he was "supposed" to care for me in my old age- I say that with a smile because he was younger & he always sd. he would love me....Now I'm rambling! So sorry, but Iagree 100% with you! HUGS & best wishes, Christy

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 13, 2011 at 6:56pm

Kathy,

So glad you are enjoying this beautiful (weather) weekend w/ your sis & bro. in law. So, your 1st year is almost up- let's pray it gets easier-o.k. we'll pray either way won't we?! I've had the valentine's day card that Larry gave me last year on my dresser since I opened it! I love hearing you have yours displayed also. It was so perfectly beautiful I wanted to see it every day. The message he sent me on facebook last year "Will you be my Valentine? I Love You" popped up yesterday- still there a year later! My heart breaks every day. You always seem so strong, yet I know your heart is in pieces as well. I am so glad to have met you here. You are so encouraging and hopeful. I wish you the best each day and best wishes with your new job. Christy

Kathy King said:

My sis & her hubby are being wonderful and keeping me busy this weekend to help me get thru it. My last holiday with my dear Bill (he passed Feb 25) and now the "firsts" will be ending and then who knows what comes after that. I have had the wonderful Valentines Card Bill gave me last year sitting on my dresser all year and I wear the locket almost continuously. He couldn't shop those last days but told my daughter exactly what he wanted and she got it for him. My son-in-law found wonderful pictures of Bill & I and shrank them to fit the locket so I will always have him close to my heart. He was a very romantic man so we always did special things for these days. Sis & hubby are taking me to lunch & movie today (true grit/nothing romantic) since most people are celebrating tonight. I will be working Monday with my new part time subbing job so thats nice (especially since its at my sis's school). I am sorry everyone has these days to endure but do try as hard as you can to remember the good stuff about these days. You know your dear ones loved you so much and would want you to be smiling in memory of them. If you have graves to visit, take a card or something and spend abit of time with them. For those with a special place in your home, go there or go outside and just look to the heavens and wave and jump up and down and just be crazy. Its okay.. Lots of hugs to all of you..

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on February 14, 2011 at 8:57am

Thanks to all of you for sharing your feelings about Valentine's Day. It helps to know that there are people who truly understand how i feel.

Linda and Connie, I agree that there will always be dates that will remind us of our true loves. Next Monday is Waymon's birthday so there is another day already that I have to dread, but I guess Valentine's Day was especially painful because from the time Christmas is over until now everywhere you look there is some kind of advertised reminder.

Kathy, thanks for sharing about the cards. Waymon always got me a card and wrote how he felt in it. I have them all in a box and I am going to get them out and reread all the wonderful things he said to me through all of our years together. I am glad I live close to the cemetary so I can go there today and spend some time with him. Thank you for your encouragement and I hope your day at work goes well.

Bridgette, thanks for sharing the article and I agree we all have to take every day one step at a time.

I hope everyone makes it through this day okay and each of us remember all the wonderful Valentine's Days that we spent with our spouses.

HUgs and peace to each of you.

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on February 14, 2011 at 9:00am

Byron was not romantic around occasions such as Valentine's Day....but he would (eventually) remember my birthday (And The 25th Day Of July Really Should Be A National Holiday, With Games, Picnics And Celebration...(ha)) - this year, I decided to focus upon all those who do not or cannot be with their Valentines: those with beloveds in Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan or other military postings, those in prison - I have been part of a prison ministry since 2001; I visit an inmate at the California Institution for Women, Corona, and I visited this past Saturday.

This helped me not to be bothered as much by all the eHarmony.com/Kay's Jewelers/Jared's/Russell Stover's Chocolates/insert_name_of_ad_for_Valentine's Day_here....One of the legends around Valentine's Day concerns a priest named Valentinius, who was imprisoned for defying the edicts of the Roman Emperor Claudius II - he is said to have written a letter from prison (he was later martyred), signing it, "from your Valentine" ....

I did a bit more crying this weekend, for, even after 19 months, I still miss my Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluetus Maximus, His Lordship The Psy.D - my sweetie pie, Byron Raymond Perkins.

Love, comfort and healing to you all this 14 February 2011 - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Connie on February 14, 2011 at 7:50pm

Debbie, I could not agree with you more. The reminder is every where. It is all you see on tv and go on the internet and you have e-mails from every florist and every store is just filled with Valentine's Day stuff. It makes it so much harder to accept the fact that you are now alone. Thru no fault of your own, you are alone. It seems as though everything is a reminder, every holiday, birthday, everything. I agree with you that I wish every couple a long and happy relationship but I also resent seeing people our ages and older together holding hands or shopping. I am happy for them but also resent the fact that I no longer have that for myself. Somehow we are all going to get through this but I just don't know how.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on February 14, 2011 at 8:09pm

When I came out of Dollar Tree yesterday, I saw a little ole lady (must have been 70 or 80) walking in front of me with a huge bunch of Valentine Balloons. I thought to myself, I hope she knows how lucky she is. It did make me feel good tho to see she is making memories and I smiled. It is difficult I know but resentment doesn't help, honest. I am just about at my one year and it doesn't get easier, just a little more bearable. Take a deep breath and think a wonderful happy thought of a past Valentine's Day right this minute. One minute at a time, one moment at a time. Keep it up everyone. Lots of hugs..