Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on November 19, 2010 at 1:17pm

jill i am so sorry for your loss. i also went back to work about 1 week after i buried george. he also died of a massive heart attack. he was fine and all of a sudden he was gone and that was 20 months ago. i was just in my own world went to see a doctor helped me but then i found this site felt it helped me more because there are others that was going thru what i was going thru. everyone goes thru the emotions different i would cry and the drop of a hat being sad is part of the healing process i still am sad i still cry and i still am very angry because i do not understand why this happened to my best friend we have to deal with the children first after we take care of them we need time for us to grieve ourselves. i cry at work sometimes especially when i hear the song that i played in the church by celion dion please take care of yourself find different things to do to keep your mind on the right track take care of yourself oh stay on this site the people here are here for you when you need them

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on November 19, 2010 at 1:21pm

jill: continue from below ps you are not mean you are going thru changes in your life

Permalink Reply by Fred Dunn on November 19, 2010 at 1:46pm

Jill,
It is a part of healing, everybody deals with it in their own way. I have heard that anger is usually redirected at the living but that the griever is really angry about their loved one passing before the living thought should be. It could be also that you are now having to do the work of both Mother and Father.

My Rose passed May 31, 2007 after a long illness in her sleep. Since then I just want to be alone, I am not mad because I know she is no longer in pain and having to deal with the messed up medical system we have today.

Although even before her passing I had a neurological problem in my left lumbar lobe, and epilepsy since I was 13. That got much worse after Rose passed and in the last 15 months I burned through a very high amount of sick and vacation leave at work under the FMLA. It finally got to the point that I could not go to work without endangering myself and others driving, as well as my memory is going fast.

As you did, I used my work to try and maintain a sense of normality. But when I got home I just wanted to be left alone. My son is grown, married with two children (unfortunately Rose missed the first birth by 3 months before she passed). People go through many different thoughts of mind and sometimes when you are not alone those additional thoughts along with your day to day responsibilities can be overwhelming. I don't know you and I don't know any of the details but I think that may be what you are going through.

I am a total recluse now and only go out of the house when I have to. I think I would have done myself in by now if it weren't for my two border collies (Rose used to call them our "childruns" 'yes, with a U and plural) as they provide me with unconditional love and unconditional chaos, which being a recluse keeps me going and not just in bed 24x7. My condition now keeps me in bed close to 16 hrs on a good day and almost 24 hrs on a bad day due to the migrains and cluster headaches caused by the brain injury.

It may be that if you have some that can take care of you your kids for maybe a half day or even a day to just let those thoughts settle down a bit you may be the better for it, particularly if you are as you say "mean" to the kids as well because they too are going through a lot. I lost my father at age 7 and after about 6-12 months I was thinking of suicide at that young an age. So if you have grief counseling at your disposal, at minimum send your children but it would be best if all of you could go.

Easy for me to say As I never went due to the appointment time being right in the middle of the work day. Looking back on it I know that was just another excuse to be left alone.

Be careful for what you wish for as it may just come true as it has in my case. I don't get "people" email but maybe once or twice a month. I do have a few people who have not given up on trying to get me out of the house to events and even though I always have an excuse not to go they still call. Those are the friends you need to confide in and talk about this with.

God bless,
Fred Dunn

PS - I still wear my wedding band and will until I pass, but when I went to get tested for my brain function the Doctor pointed that out in the report. :-)

Permalink Reply by Jo on November 19, 2010 at 1:57pm

Being mean is an expression of grief in another form.People need to understand that your way of grieving is different from anyone elses,and even though you try,you're going to show your emotions and YOU SHOULD.I find myself lately,with a VERY short fuse-it's been 3 months-and if people,even family don't get it,....I'm the one hurting.I work,too but mostly from home,which is probably not so healthy right now.Getting out is good and I think GOING to work is good,too.I think I may go back to working in my Granddaughter's Elimentary school.I tutor English.It will get me away from my own 4 walls.Any emotions you have now are normal.It's ok to be mean as long as you can say you're sorry afterwards.

Permalink Reply by Jill Cobb on November 19, 2010 at 2:08pm

Fred

I said i am not mean to my kids. I am mean to other grown ups like family members and people at work. I would never be mean to my kids especially at a time like this. My 8 year old and his father were best friends my husband was always at home waiting on Tucker when he got off the bus. If my heart aches for anyone worse than for myself it is for Tucker. He was watching tv when his dad called to him from the front steps to go get the neighbors and tell them that his dad needs there help. The next thing Tucker knows is that an ambulance is there to help his dad, and a friend of mine is picking Tucker up till i get there. Then when i get to my friends house i have to tell him that his daddy died. We have already attended one counseling session and have another scheduled. I have lots of help from family and friends but it is not the same. I do not want to be alone once i am home. I know that i have to live and be strong for myself and for the kids and for others. I know that Jason would not want me to just give up because he died. Like i said we are only 39. I know as time goes on it will get better and easier, but he just died on 9/28/10 and the holidays are approaching. I think i have the right to be sad. There i go again being mean to Fred. I just don't know if i read your post wrong or took it wrong. My children are only 17 and 8 i know they still need me and i need them. I know that my 8 year old is sad but i believe he knows that we all love him and if he needs anything we are all here for him, and i don't think suicide would ever even enter his mind. That just scares me that Fred said that.

Permalink Reply by Jo on November 19, 2010 at 3:31pm

You do know.and if you sit quietly,by yourself and let your common sense take over,you'll know what to do.It's scary,lonely,sad,angry,all that,but you sound like a person who will get through this,and so will youir kids because you're there for them and you are a strong person.You might not feel like it right now,but I bet it's in there.keeping busy is good,but leave time for you,because if you don't,things will come crashing in on you when you least expect it.I had no warning either,and maybe it'a harder.I do the robot thing,too.it's like you're walking over reality,kind of moving through peanut butter.Find time to cry,it's a release and you need to do it.We all do.And do it with your kids;they need it,too.

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on November 19, 2010 at 5:19pm

Jill, I feel your pain and intense sadness and share the feelings whole-heartedly. I don't believe you are being mean at all or are depressed. I too am told similiar things. I am learning it is all part of the grieving and it SUCKS, excuse my FRENCH so to speak. I cry mostly by myself. I try to put up that wall that others want to see sometimes so they don't tear me down by yelling at me that I should accept. YOU are right where you should be and life is just not fair. I am here for you and hope I made some sense. This site has been quite helpful with the people that share their experiences, strength and hope. Again I am deeply saddened by your precious loss and might I add mine too. Hugs help us grow spiritually.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on November 19, 2010 at 8:53pm

Jill, in my opinion, what you are feeling is normal. Mean is just another way of expressing your feelings. You don't mean to be mean but as many others have said "its hard to feel sorry about someone having a bad hair day when we are having a bad life day over and over again". We can't feel the same compassion for little upsets that others share right now because it just can't feel as important as our hurt. This too shall pass slowly but you will find yourself one day understanding others again. We here can say these things and not feel mean toward one another because we each have had these feelings and know just how it feels. I think Fred just misread what you wrote which we have all been known to do sometimes so its okay. I am glad to hear you have tried the counseling. You will know when maybe more is necessary for you and or your children. Stay as open as you can with them so they can feel open to share too. Your son who tried to help his father maybe feeling some guilt for not getting the neighbor there to help in time. He needs to know and understand the feeling is normal but he is not guilty of anything. You are not guilty for not being there. As you are hearing, sudden has happened to many here too. Sad is normal. This is a roller coaster ride. Read more of the stories of many of these wonderful people. Just click on their profile pictures or picture boxes to go their profiles. Many have shared their dear ones stories. It helps me to understand so much by reading their many varied stories and how they are handling the situations. Sad can be a very strong symptom of depression so don't think you are not depressed because you are not curled up in bed. Hopefully your physician can explain this and be of help if in fact this is your situation. Best to understand and help yourself and therefore your family. We are here for you with lots of hugs..

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth Nonnemacher on November 19, 2010 at 10:29pm

Jill; I am so sorry for your loss... My Ron died the same day your Jason did. He was 60 years old and
recuperating from colon surgery, getting ready to go to rehab on that Friday. And he just died, no warning
the doctor just saw him 5 minutes before. I was just walking down the hall to visit him, and he was gone.
I understand your anger. I am angry too. Angry at life and what it has become. It is so hard. You are not a robot. I think you are just running on auto pilot, and perhaps you need some down time. I was out of work for 3 weeks, went back full time and am out again on medical leave, I had some surgery a few days ago. I was angry too. Angry that Ron was not with me to hold my hand. Where are you Ron???? I found that some of my relatives just dont get it. They miss Ron too, but tell me death happens every day and this is part of the circle of life. Screw the circle I just want my Ron back and
I cant. Too soon, too quick. Boy do I understand anger. I will say a prayer for you tonite and hopefully you will find a small bit of piece. Take care of yourself and Tucker.

Permalink Reply by Susan Mayer on November 19, 2010 at 11:27pm

Jill, I'm so sorry for your loss. But the anger doesn't surprise me one bit: You're quite understandably angry at losing the love of your life at far too young an age. I've been grumpy and angry at people more times than I care to remember since my Steve died in early September - just over two months ago now. Anger is a normal part of grief. Repeat: a normal part of grief. How could we not be angry at so great a loss?

I lost Steve very suddenly, too, in an accident. He was healthy; we had plans; there was no reason for it to happen that I can see. I'm mad at the universe, the driver, even at him for not being more careful. I'm seeing my old therapist and participating in a grief group. Both the therapist and the group leader think being able to experience the anger is a very good sign. Obviously, we don't want to alienate people just when we need them most, but being in touch with the understandable anger - no, rage - we feel is a necessary part of healing. It's painful. It feels like it may rupture the connection with the person we lost (it won't), but it's an important part of the process. Explain your feelings to others. Many will understand; a few may not, but you cannot control that.

A woman my husband worked with became a widow 12 years ago. She told me in the first days after Steve died that grief is a mix of many different emotions. That certainly seems to be true from my experience. There's unbelievable sorrow, despair, anger, panic... you name it. And I careen from one to the other in the blink of an eye.

A wise friend of mine, who lost her mom earlier this year, said to me that during the first year after a death, nothing anyone says should be held against them. We won't be on our "best behavior" for a while, and those close to us will understand. Be gentle with yourself.

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on November 30, 2010 at 12:50pm

Jill,

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no other words to say that will ease your pain, anger, fear, or sadness. All of us on this site are going through the exact same emotions -- regardless of how we lost our partner or when. We have experienced a tragedy that many of our friends and family have not. But they will and we will be there to help them through it. You say you are not depressed, just sad. I get that -- but sometimes they are one in the same. Not all depressed people sleep all day, or not eat, or just sit and stare into space. We are highly functional people and are very, very good at disguising our emotions when we are with people who are not "close" to our situation (like co-workers!). Work is one escape for many of us -- I fall into that category. It is easier to be here with people who really are not close to the situation. The pain seems less and easier to bear. Being with family and friends is the hardest part of grieving. Our "normal" life stopped the day our spouse died. But the life of our friends and family members continue on as though nothing has happened. Their "normal" is still in tact while our lives are upside down. That is enough to make anyone angry. "Why don't these people get it?" That is what goes through our mind. And rightfully so. Don't apologize because you are angry, hurt, or sad. Go with it and those who love you the most will be there to catch you when you need it the most. Stay with us on this site. We are in your world and will be here to help you put that foot in front of the other.

In peace,

Brigitte