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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Universe

Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on August 19, 2021 at 6:28pm

Trina...I'm happy with how the tattoo's turned out.  I guess it pays to not through everything away.  I have a bunch of paperwork from Ken's business so when my niece asked if she could use his writing for her tattoo, I looked through there and found a fax from 2010 that had all the letters needed for "uncle".  My rainy day project for this weekend though is to shred his papers

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 19, 2021 at 2:13pm

Dear Sara,

The tattoos look beautiful! Very artistic. I am impressed to learn how you actually got Ken's own handwriting from a fax for the tattoo. Ken will now live forever with you in a very creative way. Your niece's birthday tattoo in honor of her uncle is pretty cool!

Sending you love and hugs, Trina

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 19, 2021 at 12:01pm

They are beautiful. 

After Bob died..I designed a tattoo..of a version of the cartoon, Simons Cat..how he was always pointing to his mouth for food..when Bob was in the hospital, all he could have was ice chips..so when visitors came, he laughingly did the Simons Cat impression. Pointing to his mouth...so we would fill his ice chips glass. It was pretty good..I still have it..but I hesitate..I have BLOW OUT skin..which takes a special artist to do the tattoo..and, now after 5 years, it doesn’t seem that important to me. I am almost 75 and feel a bit ridiculous entering a parlor..and it’s covid..soooo whatever,

Comment by Steve G. on August 19, 2021 at 11:56am

Sara,

The pictures look great, the tattoos are awesome!

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 19, 2021 at 11:00am

I finally got around to getting this tattoo which I've been wanting for a while.  The second pic is my niece's 1st tattoo (18th bday gift).  She wanted to use Ken's own handwriting so I found a fax he wrote years ago and they pulled the letters for "uncle" from various words in the fax and "Ken" is how he signed his name (which is why it doesn't look like Ken"  Hope these pics come through ok

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 12, 2021 at 11:31am

Hi Marsha,

I really appreciated your sharing of your insights into the dreams you've had and how they reflected your feelings about Ernie. I always learn something about myself from you every time you post - you have such a fantastic way with words, and express ideas that help me process my own confused feelings and thoughts - thank you for that.

I am beginning to understand better the last 6 months of Larry's and my life together. I wish I had the opportunity now, with the benefit of time to reflect more rationally, to talk to the people who were in close contact with Larry during that time and ask the questions that plague me still. I do now understand better that as soon as we got Larry''s terminal diagnosis, I started pulling away from him, and from the entire situation - I couldn't face the prospect of losing him and being alone, nor could I bear watching him experience the physical and emotional toll the drug trial program subjected him to. Even as I write this my hands shake, wanting me to turn away from this subject now as I did then. 

What was lost or missed during those last precious months I will never know due to my tangled and incomplete memories of that time. If I could fill in some of the blanks it might comfort me, although maybe I am being spared things that would actually crush me if revealed - I will never know. The hard part is to push through those unknowns and try to believe that I did the right things for Larry when he needed me. That's still a work in progress, and will most likely be for the rest of my days.

Thank you for always helping us navigate this path that we all walk - I see now that there is no end to it, just more twists and turns ahead. It is easier to walk when you have someone to walk with - like you dear Marsha.

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 12, 2021 at 11:15am

Hi Mary Jane,

I had to comment on your morning routine, as I have one myself - depending on how early I get up, either the local birds are just appearing in the yard for breakfast served by yours truly, or if I'm a dirty sleep-in, they are squawking  loudly at the windows complaining of the lousy service in this outdoor cafe. When I go out with their mixed seed, I greet them with what is definitely the lousiest whistling you ever heard, attempting to mimic their sounds, but probably sending them into the bird equivalent of raucous laughter!

I suspect that some mornings the neighbor next door hears me through the fence, and has ceased greeting either of us when we see her in her yard, probably wondering which one is the loony.

Anyway, just wanted to share that, and say that I have been so very concerned about you with the horrible fires out there, and was so relieved to hear from you  - just please keep checking in telling us how you're doing, OK?

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 12, 2021 at 11:03am

Hi Sara,

I'm playing catch-up again - as Judy Collins sang (too long ago) "Who knows where the time goes?"

I'm sorry about the loss of your father-in-law, but as you say he is with Ken and they both watch over you and all your family now.

I had been wondering about your mother and am sorry her situation continues to be an ongoing trial for you both.  When the medical community is unable to positively diagnose and treat someone's problem it is unnerving and upsetting for everybody, including them. I pray that some clarity comes to you very soon and that she is restored to better health.

With the added hospitalization of your niece, i can only imagine how demanding, tiring, and stressful the past months have been for you. I know people say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I confess there are times I look up and say "Really?! Are you kidding me with this?! How am I supposed to process this, let alone do something to make it better???"

Anyway, just wanted to say "HI" and send a hug your way - wish I could do more, but you know how much I value and appreciate you - 

Love, Chuck

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 6, 2021 at 2:01pm

Dear Chuck,

Thank you so very much for your affectionate message for Joseph's seventh anniversary of death. You are such a kind and thoughtful friend! Marsha emailed me separately on the day. DJ also very kindly inquired after me on August 4th. I feel blessed for the kindness shown to me on marker days like this one. It says a lot about people who care about others and reach out with a kind word. Acts of kindness like this is what keeps us all going.

I spent the day reading and replying to the many Facebook posts left on Joseph's page. His former students and friends always take the opportunity to write on his page with a kind thought or a story or a photo they wanted to share. This tradition helps a great deal.

Thanks for asking; I felt Joseph near me on his anniversary, as I do on other days, but I think I am unable and unwilling to come to terms with my loss. Joseph was 49 years old when he passed, and I still cannot get over this tragic fact. Perhaps over time I will be able to come to terms with having lost him so early, and with his untimely death. But for now, I still feel restless and unreconciled and peace and equanimity elude me to this day.

I loved the quote from the musical Evita, "I have not left you, although it may be harder for you to see me." True, very true.

Hope you and Steve are staying safe and healthy and are finding meaningful ways to stay busy. I think of you often and am sending love and big hugs your way. Take care, my friend!

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 6, 2021 at 1:24am

OMG hahahahaha..I nearly fell off my chair just now..when I read she FINDS THINGS for you! I must ask Bob a gazillion times a day to find stuff...and he DOES! Sometimes,the item was NOT there before..it’s like he PLACES objects for me! He never fails!

 

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