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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Navigating Widow-hood

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on December 23, 2021 at 11:30am

Dear Mary Jane,

As always you have mentioned several things that  really hit home with me. Yesterday I had a 2 hr phone call with a cousin who lost her partner this year. She's emotionally fragile anyway, and now Christmas is awakening so much that she wants to talk about, but nobody listens, so I'm glad she opened up to me.

She said she doesn't really believe he's gone, so doesn't feel like she's grieving really. Your comment almost exactly. Wow.

The fact that the wreath smell awakened so many emotions about Bob - again wow. Smell is a powerful trigger, either comforting or jarring. I begin almost every day with giving myself a small spray of Musk cologne - the very one Larry always wore, and which I complained about saying it was heavy and he wore too much. Now I need only tough my throat and bring my finger to my nose to smell him again. 

For me, the most powerful trigger by far is music. An hour ago I finally hit play on the CD player I had loaded with favorite old Christmas music - Carpenters, Billboard hits, Barry Manilow, etc. Memories (and a few tears) came back instantly on hearing again Karen Carpenter singing the line "Frosted windowpanes..."

And you need only imagine the picture of a nearly 70 yr old chubby guy imitating the movements of Ertha Kit singing "Santa Baby" - you're welcome for that image burned into your brain - Merry Christmas!

As for anger, my cousin really unloaded her anger yesterday toward so many people, and I thought while listening that my own anger still smolders deep and maybe eternal - I don't know, and although the target seems to alternate between many people, I seriously I suspect the real object of my anger is myself, for living while Larry did not. Deep topic that, like slogging through 4 feet of slushy frozen snow barefoot.

So my friend, yes cathartic and painful describes our plight as memories surface - the very reason your contributions here are so valuable and precious - because we all still are healing, and possibly that process doesn't have an end  - I don't know, but I'm OK with that.

Peace and a grateful hug to you Mary Jane, and to all my family who help me heal with every word.

Love, Chuck

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 23, 2021 at 10:29am

Wow..thank you all so very much. Yes, Marsha I did wonder what happened you you also. 

I feel sooo much better now. 

This has been a very weird and emotionally busy Christmas season...as, I had blocked out a lot of Bobs death.ldidn,t remember the facts, didn,t really mourn, as I didn,t believe he was really gone. In Feb, it will be 6 complete years..doesn,t seem that long..but with Christmas, I finally woke up, as he HATED this season..except for the smell and lights of the tree...I didn,t get a tree, but DID get a large fresh wreath...and the SMELL of that,  this month, kicked my emotions and memory into gear. And, I am ANGRY! Who knew? VERY VERY angry that he died and left me all alone.Now I am remembering ALOT, and tho painful, it is cathartic. Sooo, thank you all...and have a nice holiday.

Comment by Marsha H on December 23, 2021 at 5:07am

P.S.  For a long while I haven't gotten anything in my email to tell me someone posted so don't know what went on there.  It happens every so often.  

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 23, 2021 at 5:05am

Dear Mary Jane ...

You are a silly goof!  Of course we think of you and I have emailed you, but you haven't answered so just felt with the pressure of Covid and everything else going on that you weren't up to it.  I thought you would contact me when you felt like it.  No one on here has been posting much and I'm also to blame.  Now we are back on track and 2022 will be different so don't leave this site because we all love you with your humor, your honest feelings and so many other great qualities you have.  Remember, all of us are under stress because the news (some true and some not) has us feeling as if every nerve is on our skin and now we are finding we are mentally exhausted.  We're all trying to make it through another day and finding ways to entertain ourselves.  

I love ya girl!

Marsha

Comment by Steve G. on December 22, 2021 at 12:39pm

Dear Mary Jane,

Nothing you have said that I know of was ever offensive to me.  I love your wit, your insights to things that I forget to consider and your wonderful capacity to cheer me up just by reading your posts.  So, please do not abandon me or anyone of us on this sight.  You are part of a dysfunctional online family, each with their own quirks with one thing we can all agree on; we desperately need one another, no matter what.

I love you and nothing you say or do will ever change that, Wishing you a Very Merry Christmas and a better New Year for all of us.

Steve

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on December 22, 2021 at 12:10pm

Dear Mary Jane,

 I am so sorry that you thought you were unwelcome here, for any reason. I too felt at times that when I posted, suddenly everything fell silent. This led me to wonder much the same as you - did I say something that offended people?

Speaking for myself, I always think (and sometimes worry ) of you, having made the big move, then adjusting to new surroundings and people. It's not easy, as I learned moving from New Jersey to Texas!

So  my friend, I sincerely wish you peace and happiness this Christmas, and hope you will try, as I will, to not worry so much...listen to me - I hold a Masters in worrying, which my friends maintain I earned in kindergarten!

Love and Hugs,

Chuck

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 22, 2021 at 10:23am

Hello and Happy Holidays to all of you. Yes, it has been awhile since I posted. I am not sure what happened, but I feel I am no longer welcome here. So for what ever I said or did, I apologize.. I wasn,t going to post, but if I don,t know why I am not welcome, I cannot fix it., And, if I don,t get a response..i wish you all well, and will delete this site for good. Stay safe, and continue to carry your loved ones in your heart.

MJ

Comment by Marsha H on December 22, 2021 at 5:38am

Steve ...  

What wonderful artists you both are and I really enjoyed looking at each picture very closely.  Amazing!!!  Glad you both have such a great hobby to take your mind off of what is going on out the world.  Thank you so much for sharing. 

I wish you both a very Merry Christmas and the very best in 2022.

Love & Hugs

Marcy

Comment by Chicago Beard on December 21, 2021 at 12:43pm

Steve

Love the pictures. You guys do great work!

Comment by Steve G. on December 21, 2021 at 9:53am

We hope you enjoy these pictures as much as we enjoyed making our individual miniatures.  I focus on "sets with furniture and Chuck's focus is on makeovers for dolls and then organizing his sets for photo opts...a perfect example of his is his re-creation of Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein, a Ken Santa and of course the Adams Family residing in our Fireplace... ho, ho, ho

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night"

 

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