Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Terry Kent Mar 7, 2022. 6 Replies


Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on December 29, 2021 at 8:29pm

Hello again, and Merry belated  Christmas everyone. I hope y’all had a non stressful holiday. Mine was surprisingly GREAT! Spent it with my daughters in-laws. OHHHH, I experienced s similar thing similar to what you described. It is the 29th, Christmas is over..but I was watching a wonderful movie on Netflix about A Boy Name Christmas or something...when it was over, I felt soooo good, then SECONDS later, I burst into tears! Angry at Bob for DYING and LEAVING me alone! But what I was most upset about was now that he is gone, I don,t have him to TAKE CARE OF! It kinda just popped into my head...when he was alive, I was CAPABLE...and now, I cannot seem to get my Sh*t together! The level of anger I felt scared me! I mean, I was REALLY angry! I feel I have no purpose in this new life I seem to be stuck with.

.But maybe it is a good thing..I don,t remember getting angry like that before July, it will be 3 years, since I moved back to CA from Oklahoma. The first year was great...I had energy, and purpose..but I think COVID changed everything. ,Almost a feeling of “why bother?”.  Do any of you feel like that?  If it wasn,t for my kitty, I wouldn,t bother..and also my daughter..she takes care of me, as I do not drive...but a few months ago, I broke 41 years of sobriety. Yup. I have a few beers every night. Sadly, I discovered my daughter had also started drinking now, we enable each other. What a mess. More on that another time..but it seems I am spinning out of control, and don,t seem to care. Lastly, my BODY has “hit the wall”. An old injury being hit by a bus (pedestrian) has come back in spades..coupled with arthritis, I am ALWAYS in severe pain. WOW..THAT FELT GOOD TO TELL Y’ALL! Thanks for your patience. I am really happy this site, and everyone here is in my life again. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 24, 2021 at 9:41pm

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas.  Sorry I haven't been on in a while.   I wish I could say it's because extra fun things are happening but it's really just status quo.  I think of you all almost every night.  I go to bed and realize another day went by and I haven't checked in.  I've read some of the posts although I'm really behind so I haven't caught up on them all.  I think I finally logged on tonight, Christmas Eve, because Ken directed me here to see a sign left from him by way of Chuck.  I know Ken's always with me and sometimes uses other people to let me know he's around.  You see one of the posts left by Chuck Includes something that Ken would say almost verbatim which is "Any day I wake up on this side of the dirt is a good day".  When I read that line in Chuck's post, it struck me.

Anyway, I really hope that you are all well and enjoyed your holiday

Love, Sara

Comment by Marsha H on December 24, 2021 at 7:02am

Dear Chuck ...

What a beautiful post you left and thanks for that.  We know now all our 5 senses kick in and smell is very important.

Hugs & Love


Comment by Marsha H on December 24, 2021 at 7:00am

Dear Steve ...

You and Cuck have such wonderful artfistic value and it blew my mind when I saw it.  Oddly enough I too love doing more miniature things and I should really get back to it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to both of you and to all of you on here.  May you be blessed with good health and better times in 2022.

Love you all


Comment by Marsha H on December 24, 2021 at 6:58am

Well there you are girl!  Mary Jane It's wonderful to hear from you again.  Ernie has been gone almost 11 years, but feels like just yesterday although I am doing better.  I finally figured out why I was having such a tough time during grieving and now that I've figure it out I'm at peace.  Firstly, I was down right angry for Ernie dying on me.  Yup, I was in my home and cursed him out for leaving me alone.  Not his fault of course, but I missed him so much and living alone with no children and struggling with every day life and now Covid it's draining for many.  The second thing I figured out is I was blaming myself thinking I hadn't done enough for Ernie when he was ill, but realized I don't have the last say on who will stay and who will go.  I did what some of my friends said to me, 'the impossible!'  I feel pretty good now and still miss him.  My Christmas tree is up because we both had our own private Christmas and I'll be honest in saying that I'll shed a tear or more, but that's OK.  I feel like he's here with me and that gives me peace.

So happy you are stay Mary and never again think we don't love you as we're family here.

Love ya girl


Comment by Mary. Jane on December 24, 2021 at 12:29am

Wow..tomorrow is Christmas Eve...and I received a GIFT..from all of you! Reconnecting here is wonderful. Marsha, I have no idea why I didn,t get your emails..I know we were “messaging” and then we weren,t. It was kinda strange...I saw that sweet pic of your dogs, and that was the last time I heard anything from you. 

But, now we have reconnected! Y AY.

i hope everyone here has a wonderful holiday! 

Comment by Steve G. on December 23, 2021 at 11:23pm

Mary Jane,

Good to have you back on Legacy.  Hope that the coming new year will be somewhat better for us all.  It is bad enough dealing with our grief, but we could do without fires, tornados, hurricanes, blizzards and Covid.  Take care of yourself, sending hugs long overdue.


Comment by Steve G. on December 23, 2021 at 11:19pm


Thank you for your kind review of my miniatures, they really are my best distraction from reality these days.  This past November was Mark's 7th year since his passing.  So much has changed and so much seems to stay the same.   Christmas and New Year's Day seem to be our constant reminders just in case we forget.  

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the pictures and thank you again for your kind words.  Sending hugs...


Comment by Mary. Jane on December 23, 2021 at 5:39pm

Wow, Chuck..that was absolutely beautiful. Kinda made me cry. Thank u for sharing it.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on December 23, 2021 at 11:30am

Dear Mary Jane,

As always you have mentioned several things that  really hit home with me. Yesterday I had a 2 hr phone call with a cousin who lost her partner this year. She's emotionally fragile anyway, and now Christmas is awakening so much that she wants to talk about, but nobody listens, so I'm glad she opened up to me.

She said she doesn't really believe he's gone, so doesn't feel like she's grieving really. Your comment almost exactly. Wow.

The fact that the wreath smell awakened so many emotions about Bob - again wow. Smell is a powerful trigger, either comforting or jarring. I begin almost every day with giving myself a small spray of Musk cologne - the very one Larry always wore, and which I complained about saying it was heavy and he wore too much. Now I need only tough my throat and bring my finger to my nose to smell him again. 

For me, the most powerful trigger by far is music. An hour ago I finally hit play on the CD player I had loaded with favorite old Christmas music - Carpenters, Billboard hits, Barry Manilow, etc. Memories (and a few tears) came back instantly on hearing again Karen Carpenter singing the line "Frosted windowpanes..."

And you need only imagine the picture of a nearly 70 yr old chubby guy imitating the movements of Ertha Kit singing "Santa Baby" - you're welcome for that image burned into your brain - Merry Christmas!

As for anger, my cousin really unloaded her anger yesterday toward so many people, and I thought while listening that my own anger still smolders deep and maybe eternal - I don't know, and although the target seems to alternate between many people, I seriously I suspect the real object of my anger is myself, for living while Larry did not. Deep topic that, like slogging through 4 feet of slushy frozen snow barefoot.

So my friend, yes cathartic and painful describes our plight as memories surface - the very reason your contributions here are so valuable and precious - because we all still are healing, and possibly that process doesn't have an end  - I don't know, but I'm OK with that.

Peace and a grateful hug to you Mary Jane, and to all my family who help me heal with every word.

Love, Chuck


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