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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Terry Kent Mar 7. 6 Replies

Universe

Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on December 30, 2021 at 11:35am

Dear Mary Jane,

I always greatly appreciate your humor, honesty, and insights you share with us - I am drawing much strength and balance from the reawakening of conversation here, and I do feel I need it.

Good for you that you had a great Christmas - ours was stress-free, quiet, and very pleasant. I am packing away the small room decor I did, just feeling over it already and wanting to begin the year without that chore facing me. 

The way you express your anger and the thoughts it has led you to offer me such insight into my own anger, so thank you for that. Sometimes I don't know what to do with it all, and that can lead to getting a little manic, so I'm very grateful for Steve's tolerance and understanding when I make things unpleasant here - he just rides it out like a soldier, God bless him.

I understand how your feelings have changed since your first reaction to your move to today, when we're still dealing with Covid and political division worse than I remember in my life. "Why bother" runs through my brain more often than I like, but somehow I distract myself with menial chores, meal prep, and my sewing projects for my dolls. They are silent, obedient, and never bite me when I accidentally stick them with a pin, so they are good companions when I need to disconnect from the negative news of the day. 

As you know, I am an alcoholic who stopped drinking when hospitalized only weeks before Larry passed. Your frankness about breaking your own long sobriety invites me to be frank also. I was clearly told that, should I drink again, It would kill me - my liver won't tolerate any more deterioration. Honestly Mary Jane, in my darker moments I almost feel like saying the hell with it and getting a bottle - then I imagine what the reality of that would be for me, and especially for Steve. I just am so grateful for God having given me strength, guidance, and most of all loving companionship to get me through the nightmare of being so sick and losing Larry simultaneously that to throw it all away would be unforgivable. Not to mention the incredible gift of bringing me to this group, or family as I see you, to support, comfort, and sustain me all these 6 plus years. You are adult, aware, and completely honest in what you are doing, and I have no judgement or disapproval in my heart, only love and the same prayer I have for us all - that we continue healing, sharing, and remembering why we came here in the first place - to lift and support each other. 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with the amount of physical pain you are having - this no doubt contributes to your feelings of not having your stuff together, and the futility you express - who wouldn't feel that way in your position? Please continue to come here and talk, no matter how briefly or how trivial you may feel are the things you want to share - by doing so you let us know you are still here with us, and that alone is a great comfort to me.

Have a pleasant New Year's Eve, which I wish to everyone, and stay well and safe - 

Love, Chuck

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 29, 2021 at 8:29pm

Hello again, and Merry belated  Christmas everyone. I hope y’all had a non stressful holiday. Mine was surprisingly GREAT! Spent it with my daughters in-laws. OHHHH MARSHA...today, I experienced s similar thing similar to what you described. It is the 29th, Christmas is over..but I was watching a wonderful movie on Netflix about A Boy Name Christmas or something...when it was over, I felt soooo good, then SECONDS later, I burst into tears! Angry at Bob for DYING and LEAVING me alone! But what I was most upset about was now that he is gone, I don,t have him to TAKE CARE OF! It kinda just popped into my head...when he was alive, I was CAPABLE...and now, I cannot seem to get my Sh*t together! The level of anger I felt scared me! I mean, I was REALLY angry! I feel I have no purpose in this new life I seem to be stuck with.

.But maybe it is a good thing..I don,t remember getting angry like that before now...in July, it will be 3 years, since I moved back to CA from Oklahoma. The first year was great...I had energy, and purpose..but I think COVID changed everything. ,Almost a feeling of “why bother?”.  Do any of you feel like that?  If it wasn,t for my kitty, I wouldn,t bother..and also my daughter..she takes care of me, as I do not drive...but a few months ago, I broke 41 years of sobriety. Yup. I have a few beers every night. Sadly, I discovered my daughter had also started drinking again.so now, we enable each other. What a mess. More on that another time..but it seems I am spinning out of control, and don,t seem to care. Lastly, my BODY has “hit the wall”. An old injury being hit by a bus (pedestrian) has come back in spades..coupled with arthritis, I am ALWAYS in severe pain. WOW..THAT FELT GOOD TO TELL Y’ALL! Thanks for your patience. I am really happy this site, and everyone here is in my life again. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 24, 2021 at 9:41pm

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas.  Sorry I haven't been on in a while.   I wish I could say it's because extra fun things are happening but it's really just status quo.  I think of you all almost every night.  I go to bed and realize another day went by and I haven't checked in.  I've read some of the posts although I'm really behind so I haven't caught up on them all.  I think I finally logged on tonight, Christmas Eve, because Ken directed me here to see a sign left from him by way of Chuck.  I know Ken's always with me and sometimes uses other people to let me know he's around.  You see one of the posts left by Chuck Includes something that Ken would say almost verbatim which is "Any day I wake up on this side of the dirt is a good day".  When I read that line in Chuck's post, it struck me.

Anyway, I really hope that you are all well and enjoyed your holiday

Love, Sara

Comment by Marsha H on December 24, 2021 at 7:02am

Dear Chuck ...

What a beautiful post you left and thanks for that.  We know now all our 5 senses kick in and smell is very important.

Hugs & Love

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 24, 2021 at 7:00am

Dear Steve ...

You and Cuck have such wonderful artfistic value and it blew my mind when I saw it.  Oddly enough I too love doing more miniature things and I should really get back to it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to both of you and to all of you on here.  May you be blessed with good health and better times in 2022.

Love you all

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 24, 2021 at 6:58am

Well there you are girl!  Mary Jane It's wonderful to hear from you again.  Ernie has been gone almost 11 years, but feels like just yesterday although I am doing better.  I finally figured out why I was having such a tough time during grieving and now that I've figure it out I'm at peace.  Firstly, I was down right angry for Ernie dying on me.  Yup, I was in my home and cursed him out for leaving me alone.  Not his fault of course, but I missed him so much and living alone with no children and struggling with every day life and now Covid it's draining for many.  The second thing I figured out is I was blaming myself thinking I hadn't done enough for Ernie when he was ill, but realized I don't have the last say on who will stay and who will go.  I did what some of my friends said to me, 'the impossible!'  I feel pretty good now and still miss him.  My Christmas tree is up because we both had our own private Christmas and I'll be honest in saying that I'll shed a tear or more, but that's OK.  I feel like he's here with me and that gives me peace.

So happy you are stay Mary and never again think we don't love you as we're family here.

Love ya girl

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 24, 2021 at 12:29am

Wow..tomorrow is Christmas Eve...and I received a GIFT..from all of you! Reconnecting here is wonderful. Marsha, I have no idea why I didn,t get your emails..I know we were “messaging” and then we weren,t. It was kinda strange...I saw that sweet pic of your dogs, and that was the last time I heard anything from you. 

But, now we have reconnected! Y AY.

i hope everyone here has a wonderful holiday! 

Comment by Steve G. on December 23, 2021 at 11:23pm

Mary Jane,

Good to have you back on Legacy.  Hope that the coming new year will be somewhat better for us all.  It is bad enough dealing with our grief, but we could do without fires, tornados, hurricanes, blizzards and Covid.  Take care of yourself, sending hugs long overdue.

Steve

Comment by Steve G. on December 23, 2021 at 11:19pm

Marsha,

Thank you for your kind review of my miniatures, they really are my best distraction from reality these days.  This past November was Mark's 7th year since his passing.  So much has changed and so much seems to stay the same.   Christmas and New Year's Day seem to be our constant reminders just in case we forget.  

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the pictures and thank you again for your kind words.  Sending hugs...

Steve  

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 23, 2021 at 5:39pm

Wow, Chuck..that was absolutely beautiful. Kinda made me cry. Thank u for sharing it.

 

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