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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1377
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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Terry Kent Mar 7, 2022. 6 Replies

Universe

Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on September 29, 2023 at 5:49am

Dear Sara ,,,  You are a very special person and even though you've gone through so much you have reached out to me.  I do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.  I sure do wish we could visit each other; have a drinkl laugh; cry and try to make sense of where our lives are going.

I am so, so sorry to hear of Ken's friend fighting liver cancer and then Ken's wife finding out her niece passed away in bed at such a tender age.  The poor woman!  I know without a doubt the angel in you will come out and you'll be there.  I have been going through a similar situation with my girlfriend Marguerite who's husband Ken passed away 3 years and 16 months after that her daughter  (43)died of cancer and another 16 months after that her one son (51) passed away from a brain bleed.  She has one son left.  He has his own issues with his wife who is not well so my friend and I try to talk to each other every day and I've been out to visit her several times. 

I am so sorry to hear about your brother, but there is a high survival rate with prostate cancer and I'll be prayers for him and you and your family. 

I do understand how you feel about dating.  I too feel the same way.  It would be nice to meet a nice man, but I've pretty much given up on that one.  I did date once about 3 years after Ernie passed away and he was a fair bit older than me.  A sweet man, but he grieved heavily over his wife and yet when he took me out for dinner he was coming on too strong as if we were going to have a relationship right away.  I was not ready and smart enough to know he was lonely and missed his wife.  Also, he was just not my type of man.  Nothing he did wrong at all.  You just know if it feels right. 

If you ever feel like talking through email please let me know and I'll give you my email.  I'm always here for all here as well. 

Lots of love and hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 28, 2023 at 7:13pm

Hi everyone..I am replying to Sara..cuz something of that nature JUST HAPPENED to me a few days ago. I was watching something on TV, and a SONG I had NEVER heard b4 came on..the lyrics nearly dropped me t my knees…I jotted a few words down, and did a Google search…it is called WHEN I GET THERE…by PINK. The words felt like my LIFE since Bob died..I cried and cried..then bought the CD…have A LOT of her CDs, but not that one..I listen to it multiple times a day..it was as if she was in my mind, and felt the pain that I feel daily..but it was SOOOO spot on..as if she was inside my head sharing my TRUTHS and LOSS. She actually described the things Bob liked to do, and the hope the I could see him again, when I die. (She wrote the song for her father, after he died recently..who was about the same age as Bob, and did a lot of the activities Bob did. Now I find it very comforting to think he will be waiting for me “When I Get There”. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 24, 2023 at 7:19pm

OK, one more thing because this is driving me crazy.  I feel like I'm mourning Ken again like I did in the beginning all because of an actor who died a week ago.

This actor is someone I had never met, would never meet and his death has no impact on my life but his soul, his very being is so closely matched to Ken's that I can't believe another pure, gentle, loving soul is gone from this world.  I always said that I thought Ken was the best soul the Lord has ever created and far better than I could ever be but I think this actor (Billy) may have been created in the same batch as Ken.  It doesn't make sense to me that Billy's death hit me so hard and I need these deep feelings of grief to stop.  Has anyone ever experienced this before, feeling this way when someone you never met has passed away?

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 24, 2023 at 7:12pm

Hi Chuck, Steve, Pete Marsha--

It's good to hear from all of you,.  Time moves so quickly that I hadn't checked in lately.  I can't believe how many years have ticked by since we each lost our spouse.  For me, it feels like the calendar moves forward but time stands still.

Marsha...my heart is breaking for you.  It stuns me that your family moved so far away and wasn't willing to help you do what was needed for you to move with them.  I wish I was there so I could give you a hug and keep you company.

The past few months have been a little crazy.  Over the summer, one of my close friends had a traumatic 3 days that would bring anyone to their knees.  On a Tuesday night, she called to tell me her husband (who is Ken's best friend from childhood so I've know them 35 years) was diagnosed with liver cancer, Wed morning her niece (late 20's) was found dead in her bed and Thursday they had to put their dog to sleep.  Spending time with them had become a priority.   My brother had also been diagnosed with prostate cancer.  He had his final radiation treatment recently and now we await results.

I did take what is a big step for me by going on a double date.  I was blindsided by a text from a friend who asked me to meet this guy.  I didn't want to meet him alone since I didn't even know his name but I agreed to meet him if it could be a double date and I'm glad I did that.  Although he was nice enough, there was absolutely no interest on my part.  I don't have the door closed to meeting someone new but it has to be a good fit.  Maybe someday.

Sending love and hugs to you all

Sara

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 24, 2023 at 6:46pm

Hi Chicago--thinking of you as Rose's 13th anniversary approaches.  I'm happy that you found a new life and have a new family and I'm sure Rose is too.

It's good to hear from you and I hope you keep in touch.  You have all come to be important to me and I like to know you're all doing well or to be here if anyone needs to talk

Hugs,

Sara

Comment by Marsha H on September 24, 2023 at 5:35pm

I haven't posted because it's been a very difficult year for me.  I had to put my 18 year old dog Booker to sleep and he was such a smart and wonderful dog.  I swear, he was like a human and was a good protector.   My little man.  He looked out for me so well.  About 3 years before I had to put Booker to sleep I adopted a 10 year old shelter dog Lulu.  The 2 were so happy together.  Now that Booker is gone Lulu is grieving for him and so bad that I am now looking to adopt another dog.  Well!  Our BCSPCA is so strict to adopt a dog no matter one's age and there are many complaints about it.  If you remember I use to volunteer to adopt dogs out, but that shut-down during Covid and now most shelters are to far away for me to volunteer and I miss it.  The shelters are over-loaded yet the BCSPCA still makes it difficult to adopt.  I am frantic trying to find a small dog around 7 - 8 years old for Lulu.  Oh yes, I take Lulu in the car with me (weather permitting) and most days short walks as she is 13 years old now.  It often brings me to tears at times.  Along with that I have lost a few friends to the heavens and it doesn't seem to stop, but that comes with getting older.

My immediate family moved to Calgary and I have no family left here.  A big gap in my life.  No more dinners on special occasions or visits and it's made a hole in my life.  They wanted me to move there, but when I said I would need help packing and going through the red tape of selling my home not one of my family members offered to help me.  It crushed my heart.  My brother and his wife could easily help me and even before they left to go to Calgary.  I must admit I feel like an orphan floating in the wind.   Most of my other friends have their spouses and I seldom see them.  Spotty at best.  Yes, everyone has their ups and downs, but that shouldn't stop from continuing friendships and keeping in touch, but it does.  

I don't know if any of you get Canadian news, but it seems like I'm living on another planet altogether.  Canada was such a peaceful and beautiful place to live, but now in Vancouver the crime rate is sky high.  It's filtering out to where I live and there are so many shootings and muggings going on.  I'm careful where I go and aware of my surroundings.  Our gas is over $2 and 2 carbon taxes on top of that and another carbon tax on the way.  Seniors and some people who have lost their jobs; lost their homes and are having a rough go of it.  You can see the stress and unhappiness all around where I live.  I try to keep busy, but tired of feeling like I'm a forgotten one and it can get so lonely.

No, have not dated and I don't feel going on a dating line is a good idea.  Too dangerous as you never know who you are talking too.  No places around here to gather as a group so you may meet someone or make new friends.  I do try, but most of the time I just keep busy and right now getting rid  of junk out of my house a little at a time and yes, as Chuck says there are treasures to be found going through old boxes, etc.  I was once very extroverted, but since Covid struck that part of me to a degree has diepleated.  The odd time I do go out to a nice pub with a girlfriend or a luncheon, but it few and far between. 

Ernie has been gone for 12 years and at times it just seems like yesterday and then it seems like a lifetime.  I am doing OK with dealing with the loss of him, but never forget one night not saying goodnight to him.

I'm a tough old gal and will survive, but know I'm missing out on so much fun and would love an adventure. 

Hugs

Marsha  

Comment by Marsha H on September 24, 2023 at 5:01pm

Steve & Chuck ...

It's so nice to see you post and believe it or not  think of you both and others too.  Often wonder how life is going for all of us.  Where you live now sounds beautiful and wish I could find a peaceful little town I could live in, but here I stay in BC just outside of Vancouver.  I wish you both the best of luck and I know you won't need it.  Happy times to both of you.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 24, 2023 at 4:57pm

Hi Chicago Beard ...

I am so happy for you and your big move.  Rose will always be with you, but also happy for you.  What a great, new adventure for you.  So glad to hear from you and others.

Marsha

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 24, 2023 at 10:33am

Hello Pete, Well said my friend - good to hear from you

Comment by Pete Bronson on September 24, 2023 at 9:57am

Hello All,

It's been a while, I read a lot but don't post much, we all deal with our losses differently. I felt I should share the following.

Life is full of ups and downs, we adapt, it is our greatest strength in life. I have done the starting over in a new place many times since my Rose's passing, Nov. 27 is my 13 years. I have been through many adversities since then that surely would have been easier with her. But we survive, we find things to keep us engaged, we adapt! We set the hurt aside!

But we never forget, decades of living and happiness just don't disappear. I had 3 plus decades, actually still half of my life. I'm still here, just a little more used up but not beaten down. I have memories, I have moments, Life goes on. We still have to make it to the finish line, whenever that may be.

It's been a long road without her, but I'm still on it!
Maybe the pain is there to remind you that you're still alive.

Pete

 

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