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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Tom on July 8, 2010 at 10:52am
Hello Virginia,
i did make it to see the train come down the tracks and go through the banner two women held in front of it, dressed in period costumes. I got some very good pictures, and one of a kind. There where a lot of people there taking pictures straight ahead on the tracks as it came towards them. I went over to the other side of the tracks so i would have the train station and all the people waiting to board in the picture as well as the train as it went through the banner. It came out wonderful ! If I can ever figure out how to get them posted on here I will do so.
Comment by Virginia on July 8, 2010 at 8:58am
Tom, how was your train outing. I hope you were able to enjoy it a little. God Bless
Comment by kathleen caylor on July 8, 2010 at 8:17am
I have to say YES!!!In the middle of the night or your darkest days,you can write what you're feeling and vent when you need to.Sometimes you can't turn to family or friends,this is the place to come to.No judging or criticising.On my lowest of days,when no one was here ,I know this site is here.And yes it has helped.
Comment by Virginia on July 8, 2010 at 7:50am
Beverly,Paula, Jane, and anyone I missed I'm so sorry for your loss and welcome to the site God Bless
Comment by Virginia on July 8, 2010 at 7:43am
Jayne, if your asking does this site help, I can tell you it has helped me so much when we loose our loved ones we think nobody knows our pain and that is true as far as family and friends who haven't went thru it ,but here we all know the pain and we all know how it feels to not want to live and go on and the deblateing depression that follows.Here we have so much support and are able to be honest about the way we are feeling not having to put on the i'm doing ok face, some days we are doing ok but then theres others that we are not, so as far as I'm concerned yes this does help. I'm truelly sorry for your loss stay here read,write, what ever you feel like doing at the moment.God Bless, Virginia
Comment by Paula 2 on July 7, 2010 at 10:18pm
Hi everyone,
For me it will be four months on Sunday. I've been reading everyone and I think that some people really, really fall in love and find their soulmate. I don't think you can ever get over that. My husband was handsome but to me he was the most beautiful thing walking the earth. We laughed so hard every day that it was just pure joy. Someone would be talking and he would start laughing out of the blue. They would ask him what he was laughing about and he would say he knew what I was thinking. I am still screaming. I come home and drop my things on the floor and just cry until my face burns. There is nothing else for me. Plus, my son is in so much grief I can't talk to him about it. It just makes him sadder. I worry about him too, because he holds it in. He's in so much pain though. Like others of you, I don't know who I am without him. I will never be me again. I'm going through a phase--I'll meet someone at work and I want to tell them, crying, that I was married. I'm supposed to be married. I want to tell them how much they would be impressed by his kindness and good heart. I don't want them to know the me that is left. It's not enough and it's not all of me. My heart is in so much pain and physically it feels like I've been beaten by rocks in a bag.

I got a kitten. In a way it was hard. I just want to sit and grieve and I have to do 50 things for this little being. She's sweet and playful and it is someone to hold. And when I cry and tell her that Tom is supposed to be with us, how much he loves us and how much he must miss his wondeful life. She gets very quiet and close to me. It's like she can feel my pain. The rest of the time she's like a tornado. It was a bit early to get her but she is so sweet and perfect, I'm glad I did. it does help. it doesn't take away the pain, hurt but it does take away the constant focus on the horror of what has happened. It's a big commitment but worth it for me. I needed something to help me survive and his little kitten may just help. Good luck to everyone and please keep in touch. Paula (2)
Comment by Connie on July 7, 2010 at 2:07pm
Beverly and Leia, Firstly, let me extend my sincere sympathy for your loss. I lost my husband on 11/9/09 after 46 years of marriage (October 15th was our 46th anniversary but he was in ICU, on a ventilator, completely sedated.) I was well aware of the fact that he was very ill but I did not expect him to die. He had come through so many serious problems, a massive heart attack, a second attack, an implanted defibrilator, heart transplant, organ rejection, pneumonia, and he came through everything very well. Our doctor and I did not believe that sepsis was going to be something that he could not recover from. When I got the phone call that his heart rate was dropping very quickly, I died too. My life is not the same. I am not the same person. I love that man so very much that all I can look forward to is being reunited with him, laying there and holding his hand, rubbing his head. We truly became one person on the day we married. He was a great husband and a great father. Our children are devastated that Dad is gone. His birthday will be coming up on August 19th, then our anniversary, and then the anniversary of his death. I still don't believe that this is real. I am thinking that it is a bad dream and someone will be waking me up soon and he will be calling "Hey, Hon or Hey, Toots". I wait for that to happen. In the meantime, I am just existing in this world. I go through the motions of life but I am not alive any longer. I hate to be so depressing but that is just the way I feel. I will remember you in my prayers. May God Bless You.
Comment by Beverly N Johnson on July 7, 2010 at 1:49pm
Hi..I am a widow also ..I have not been the same since that dreadful day 6/23/09 ..my Marvin was everything to me he was my lifeline I just don't know where to go from here he was my very best friend ..we shared our life together unmarried for 19 1/2 yrs then we became married for a short 2 months and 13 days 4/10/09 ..I was really looking forward to our married life together I knew we would be even closer and happier ..At first I felt let down by God ..but he knows best and who am I to question him but I still rather have him here with me complaining, fussing,dictating and getting on my nerves like he did often..the hurt and loneliness for Marvin just won't stop..people says it gets better but I just don't see how because i'm not me without him ..I put on a good front for people but i'm just hanging on by a tiny thread..nothing matters like before I am lost without my husband/bestfriend .. I try to stay busy ..work does help alot but that's only during the day..sometimes I look to see him ,hear his voice and feel his comforting arms around me.. sometimes I wonder if maybe we wouldn't have married we would still be together because we lived together thru thick and thin bad times good times no matter what we were one Marvin always looked out for me and I knew Marvin would be there for me thru whatever.. whenever..now I don't have him anymore it's just me my protector is gone ..then I sit back and come to the realization that God could have taken him before we became husband and wife and for that I have to Thank God for eachday he let him be a part of my life ..I feel so protected and comforted in our home that I don't want to be away from there for too long..I anxiously wait to go home at the end of my workday to be there with him..I'm happiest when i'm home talking to him ..just knowing there is a place we shared many days and nights together is my comfort ..our home.. which we both loved to be at ..I have started writing him letters which I also find comforting at times .. I pray for your strength and comfort as you go on with this tedious journey without your loved ones ..God will take care of you always..
Comment by Yaca Attwood on July 7, 2010 at 9:40am
Dear Leia - I am so very sorry for your devastating loss - and I _hear_ what you are saying: when you've spent nearly all your time, helping, feeding, bathing, cleaning, disassembling/reassembling mobility equipment, sitting with, comforting your beloved - when you no longer have to do that - it's a major change, even a vacuum.

Work kept me busy (I'm a database administrator), but once I got home - there were the long evenings, filled with a fearsome silence; minutes seemed like months, hours felt like years. Lying in bed, just trying to wait for 3:30 AM, so I could get up and get ready for work, again. Friday nights - a descent into the depths of despair, grief and loneliness.

I would force myself to go out for at least a 30 minute walk most days, and I cried every step of the way for a long time. Every couple I saw was a dagger to my heart; every lovely home was a reminder of what I no longer had.

Leia - you will 'move on' when YOU are ready to, not when someone else dictates ...... cry, grieve and sorrow as much as YOU need to. I would suggest that even if your sweetie was not in hospice, that you may want to contact a local hospice, because they do offer bereavement counseling - the counselor from the hospice that cared for my husband for the four days before he died 29 June 2009, came twice monthly to my house - and it helped a great deal - just to have someone who will sit and listen to you talk about your beloved husband all you want to, who won't squirm if you cry or try to change the subject - that is invaluable!

My kids hated my husband (he was my second; I had been married to their father for 21 years, and I just couldn't take it anymore), so there was no support, there - I did have the lady that runs the prison ministry I'm a part of decide to take me out to dinner once a week, and she and her husband made themselves available to me, which was a true blessing and a Godsend.

Peace, blessing, comfort, healing be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins
Comment by Virginia on July 7, 2010 at 9:38am
Hi Leia,I'm so sorry for your loss.My huxband passed 4-29-09 and we were together 32 yrs. I was also his care giver he was sick for 10 yrs.Even thou he was sick he died suddely from a massive heart attack very unexpected.You are so right about what are you to do now, they were our lives and when you are the care giver it's like a hole opened up in our routene.It's been 14 plus months for me and I still don't know what purpose I'm here for. You said you have great friends so maybe you could let them in on this part of your life. yes they have their spouses but maybe if you engage them in conversation about not having them .ask them what they think they would do without theirs, people don't understand because we don't tell them the WHOLE truth about how it is to now be alone.I have a few close friends one who just runs her husband ragged,screams at him he can't even be comfortable in their home and I tell her she better hope she goes before him amd another does nothing but complain about hers and I tell her to think about what she has now because of him ie: a home and things she wouldn't have if not for him,her kids could care less about her., so maybe if we enlighten them on what we go thru on a dailey bases they might understand I have started telling them all this and it really opens their eyes. we think as a widow or widower no one wants to hear about the pain we are in but I think they don't because they are afraid of upsetting us but you know what if they are true friends they will be willing to listen and if we let them give us some comfort.As far as voluntering their are so many things we can do ie: visit people in nurseing homes or at a animal shelter or a food bank or homeless shelter I also am disabled and the biggest thing that keeps me from doing is the depression I take 2 meds for it and for the most part they work.I find if I sit and think about doing something I won't do it, I just have to get out and do it, time is our enemey. I still have bad and really bad days but I've relized i don't want to live like this because it is not living.There will never be another man in my life I don't want one,but I do want to get out of this house if only for a few hours.
 

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