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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

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Comment by Diane C on July 13, 2018 at 5:54am

Hi Sarah,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in needing Ken so badly right now as you are facing your fathers illness. Although Rich has been gone for 6 years (Aug.1, 2012) I still miss him terribly each and every day. But then my father became ill in 2014 and died shortly after diagnosis with stomach/esophageal cancer. I needed Rich so bad at that time, I didn't think I could make it through his death and the funeral without him. We had been married 25 years and had been together 24/7 until his passing. My dad and Rich were the best of friends. My dad always said he wished Rich was one of his sons... During my dads illness, he told me one day that he dreamed of Rich and it was very vivid and clear. I told him I had recently heard that when you dream of someone who has passed, that means they (the deceased) are thinking of you at that same time. My dad said "God I hope so, I look forward to seeing him again". It stills brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I just wanted to share this with you. And assure you that Ken is there with you and your dad. I wish you strength and the ability to get through this. Wish I was there to give you a hug.

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 12, 2018 at 11:04pm

I read this about and hour ago..and I was at loss for words, or anything I can say that might comfort you.  This is going to be extra difficult for you as your mom will be depending on you for support..which is understandable, but might be very difficult for you...so we are here for you...anytime...

Comment by Sara Murphy on July 12, 2018 at 7:32pm

My friends, thank you so much for you support and Todd, it's good to hear from you.

My father passed away a few hours ago.  Ken has been around all week so I knew my father would pass before the week was over.  I now feel a sense of peace that he is no longer suffering.  He's been in the hospital since last Friday and although he's been sick for several years, his suffering wasn't long.  In fact, he went to play bridge that Friday morning so he lived his life to the fullest right to the end.

What's hard now is that my mother is looking to me for answers.  She asked me how I got through losing Ken and I had to tell her I haven't gotten through it yet.  I'll do my best to help her.  They've been married 55 years. 

Todd......the sculpture is so on-point!

Comment by Todd B. Goodrich on July 12, 2018 at 5:49pm

Dear Sara,

We are all with you!

This sculpture hit hard and so appropriate.

It is called Melancolie. And it is heartbreakingly beautiful.

The artwork created by Albert György (living in Switzerland, but born in Romania) can be found in Geneva in a small park on the promenade (Quai du Mont Blanc) along the shore of Lake Geneva.


Comment by Todd B. Goodrich on July 12, 2018 at 5:49pm

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 12, 2018 at 12:50pm

Sara I am so sorry u have to go through this alone...or you might THINK you are alone, without Kens support..but you AREN,T. Yes, this might seem BS, or insensitive, but my guess is, Ken is right there beside you..right now. You may not see him, but I bet if you open your heart, you will feel him there. Can your father feel Ken there? Or maybe you can feel other loved ones who have passed...

i know this is a very difficult one...and I run the risk of your anger, just suggesting this..and before Bob died, I would NEVER have thought anything like this...but, why not? I asked Bob if his brother was there just before he died, and he said yes..but I already KNEW his brother Warren was there, because I had been feeling his presence for over a month. 

I wasn,t there when either of my parents died.. my dad in 1976, and my mom in 2001. When my dad died, he was on life support..but my mother assured me he would be ok.I should go on a planned overnight camping trip..that he would be fine..to go ahead and go...(I should point out here, that my mother was a conniving b*tch, and it is a very long story..but I NEVER thought she would be THAT CRUEL) so against my better judgement, we went camping...and the next morning, I KNEW! So we drove to the nearest pay phone..and instead of waiting one day, she had them turn off his life support the one day I was gone. I was the only one who wasn,t there..it was the most cruel thing she could do..the final slap in the face, the ultimate betrayal...of a childhood spent with a mother who DIDN,t like her daughter.

I loved my dad with all my heart, and I am still stunned after 40 years.

your dad loves you, and he knows hw much YOU love him...and I am sorry...but be there, and tell him how much you LOVE him. And Ken will be right there with you..talk to Ken...he will help you get through this...and they will ALWAYS be there..just in a way we can,t see, but we can feel them and their love.

and my dad? About a year after he died he knocked on my door in a dream like no other, and visited me and I cried and told him how sorry I was I hadn,t been there..and he told me,he knew...that is why he came...and he is STILL around...every white butterfly I see is him...and when I hear his favorite song, I know he is there. Forever.

when my mother died..I wasn,t there, by choice...but I arranged the memorial service, like a dutiful daughter, and the only thing I felt was regret..for something that never was. My mother DIDN,t even have that for my dad..she excluded everyone and had his ashes scattered, flown over water in a small plane...with no family, no memories, no inclusion of anyone who loved him...and he was loved by SOOOOO MANY...he was the finest man I ever knew, and I thank God for having him in my life.

So, Sara, I wish you Grace, and peace, because you are so loved...and always will be.

Comment by deborah peck on July 12, 2018 at 10:15am
Sarah, I am so sorry that you are having to go thru this, I know it is bringing everything back up with Ken again,. I am feeling your pain, its a hard thing to lose our parents, mine both passed at an early age of 69, six months apart but I was lucky enough to still have my husbands support, I will be praying for you and your family thru this difficult time, please let us know how you are doing, your friend Debby
Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 11, 2018 at 10:12pm

Dear Sara,

My dear friend, I am so so sorry for the pain you are having. Going through losses and suffering anxiety by ourselves - meaning without our spouses - is possibly the most frightening and debilitating aspect of our lives as they are now. Yes, indeed I have felt like my live was winding down, and to be honest, I almost welcomed it. I thought that as each thing that was a part of my life with Larry was lost for either financial or practical reasons, I was being prepared some way for leaving myself to be with him. I would ask God why it was taking so long to get rid of everything material, while it seemed He was wasting no time removing my physical health and ability to do anything useful anymore. When I couldn't even get up on a step ladder to clean windows without getting dizzy and almost falling, I felt like just getting under a blanket and sleeping until it was all over. 

Sara, as you know, things changed for me. Why, and how, I still can't begin to understand. But they did change. Oh to be sure, there are some truly dark times when I still question what feeling happy was like - I kind of remember, but it's like remembering being a child. You know you had no worries, but can't get back to that innocence ever again.

I wish with all my heart I was right before you now just to hug you and whisper in you ear that you will get through this awful time. You have shown such incredible strength and compassion for all of us here, and we all love you very much. You are not alone my sweet friend. Ken will be by your side each and every moment. God will give you peace and strength.

Please keep letting us know how things are progressing with you, because this will be a big one to be sure - my prayers are with you and your father every day and you are always in my thoughts -

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on July 11, 2018 at 9:43pm

My Friends.....I so desperately need Ken right now.  I'm on the brink of losing my father and I had always thought I'd have my husband by my side when my parents passed.  It's a whole different type of emptiness on top of the indescribable emptiness of losing a spouse.   I feel like my own life is winding down.  Has anyone else ever felt like that?

Comment by Steve on July 10, 2018 at 8:44pm

I agree Mary.Jane, anytime one studies artwork we have an opportunity to identify, translate and commune with it.  When I first saw the picture, several images hit me.  The first one was submission, acceptance and beauty.  The other image was one similar to Atlas carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.  The beauty of this sculpture is that with grief, we feel the weight, we succumb to it in a form of submission and yes the shear weight of our grief weighs heavy on our shoulders, but we do persist, we carry on and then we rise able to carry the load.  For as long as we are alive we will look back and see just how far we have come and see ourselves as the strong person our beloved knew we were.  For me that is the beauty of this particular sculpture.  

 

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