Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Terry Kent Mar 7, 2022. 6 Replies


Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on November 6, 2022 at 1:35pm

Hi Chuck, Good to hear from you.  I think of everyone here often but it's been so quiet lately.  I'm glad you and Steve are settling in .  A New York winter is no joke but summers in Texas are not easy either.

I'm doing ok, just plodding along doing life the best I can.  I've been getting some things done in the yard (and when I say I'm getting things done, I mean I'm paying other people to do them).  Oddly enough I asked my landscaper if he could pull out some overgrown bushes around the deck and the friend of his that he brought to do this is the son of the woman who worked for Ken.  I knew he would do a good job and I knew Ken was looking out by sending him my way.  The people who haven't experienced this may not believe but our loved ones are always there, always looking out for us and send who/what we need when we need it.  Ken did the same thing a few years ago when I needed to replace the roof.  He let me know who he wanted me to use and they did a good job.

Today I'm doing something that I told myself I would never, ever do for the remainder of my life and that's make a banana bread.  Crazy I know but Ken loved banana bread, I made it a certain for him and decided that if he could never eat it again, then I would never make it again.  There's no real reason for me to make it today other than I want to get past that train of thought and I'm calling that more progress.

Ok, last thing.......has anyone heard from Marsha?  I haven't seen her post in quite a while.

Take care my friends and remember, I'm always thinking of you.

Love, Sara

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on November 6, 2022 at 7:35am

Hi Sara,

Great to hear from you! Steve and I are doing well, preparing for winter in upstate NY which will be a big change from TX. We'll try to post photos here once we figure out how to get them from phone/camera to email access - gotta love technology.

I think of everybody here often especially as I'm always telling people we meet our story of how and where we met. 

Mostly I just find myself pausing throughout the day and reflecting on what we've gone through to get here. The journey has been full of twists and turns, and these will continue I'm sure - but we're still here, still looking forward even as we describe Larry and Mark to folks, and being grateful for what has been given to us - a new life. 

Sara, I deeply sincerely hope you are happy, and want you to always know that your love and support is one of the reasons I'm still around.

Love. Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 5, 2022 at 4:39pm

Hi Everyone...I'm checking in.  Is everyone doing ok?

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on September 1, 2022 at 10:01pm

Dear Charles and Steve   So happy you are gettting settled in. I want to thank you both for the lovey arrangement you sent to Shawn's memorial.  I have so many memories of you and Larry with my kids. I remember Halloweens at your house and the beautifu pastel portrait you did of Shawn. I am finding the loss of my son far more difficult than losing Ray because Ray's quality of life was so poor whereas Shawn had just turned 40 and was happy and healthy. The shock of his passing has impacted so many, his wife, his children, his sisters and myself. 

Last nigtht Jim and I attended a church picnic and a man at our table was watching a report on his phone of a pastor who had been reported brain dead, but had miraculously began to show signs of consciousness. I exploded into tears. Shawn was always the peacemaker in our family, And without him I feel so lost.

No parent should ever have to live through the loss of a child. It feels like losing a million moments in time, every memory and event over and over again.

God Bless you both = Jenni

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 28, 2022 at 6:49pm

Dear Trina,

Thank you so much for your kind words. During the months of June through early August I didn't have access to my desktop computer, and since my cell phone is not linked to my emails I was in a sort of cyber desert, relying on Steve keeping me up to date with his laptop. I did see DJ's post to you but didn't have an easy way to add my wishes to those thoughts on the anniversary of Joseph's passing 8 years ago. Please allow me to do so now - I completely relate to your feelings of restlessness, and yes, Larry's and my anniversary always brings with it memories, some sadness, and the temptation to give in to some negative feelings about myself. I am getting better at getting around those thoughts (mostly) and we have a double frame on the living room mantle with Larry's and Mark's photos, both of them looking out the front windows at the lake. How I wish Larry was here to see all this and experience it with me - how much he would have loved being near water!!! I comfort myself with the belief that he actually is here with me, and although I can't see him I do feel his love still at unexpected moments. 

Stay well my friend, and it is so very good to hear from you!

Love, Chuck

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 28, 2022 at 6:30pm

Hello Diane C,

Ten years on August 1st since you lost your beloved Rich? Yes, life goes on; as the saying goes, Time and tide wait for no (wo)man. Life goes on, but it's never the same. The missing and the longing for our lost love goes on forever. I feel for you, my dear friend.

Sending you healing thoughts and a big hug,


Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 28, 2022 at 6:23pm

Dear Charles,

Great to hear from you. You write so well and express your thoughts and feelings so well, too. So yesterday was your and Larry's 39th anniversary? I can only imagine what kind of day it must have been with a walk down memory lane.

I am glad to hear that you are feeling brave and are getting more and more comfortable in your new home with Steve where you have a studio overlooking Oneida Lake. It sounds like a charming place, your studio, a place to do creative work and to reflect and to write.

Hope as the years go by you become more and more comfortable with your life as it has been these past so many years.

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 28, 2022 at 6:14pm

Dear DJ, hi,

I just saw your message from August 4th now! I was in Bangladesh on August 4th--Joseph's 8th anniversary of death--and didn't see your post on that significant day.

I am deeply moved that you remembered the date and that you also reached out to me. I cannot thank you enough for your kindness. 

Even though eight years have passed since I lost Joseph, it still is very hard, perhaps not as gut wrenchingly hard it was the first few years, but hard nonetheless. I just go through life as I must, but very little truly interests me or appeals to me. I feel restless and never at peace, always searching, always feeling unrequited...

Thank you again for remembering Joseph and for dropping me a line on the 4th.

Stay well. Hugs, Trina

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 28, 2022 at 9:54am

" there anybody out there?"

I open with a line from Pink Floyd, although equally appropriate would be Judy Collins' "Who knows where the time goes?"

Yesterday would have been (or still is) Larry's and my 39th anniversary. As I write this I sit in a second story room in a very old house in upstate NY. This is now to be my studio, with windows facing the view of Oneida Lake across the road. An almost identical room across the hall is Steve's studio, with the same view. We call them studios, but they are just places where we can work on projects, and do anything else where we need to leave stuff "in progress" untouched without it being in the way.

The word busy doesn't begin to describe what we've been doing for the last months, but everything we finish or accomplish here makes me feel more and more like this is home. I don't have the words for how all this makes me feel - not something I usually find difficult. Like other times in my life when things began moving rapidly and at times somewhat chaotically I seem to go on auto-pilot, moving from one priority to the next with little time for reflection on my feelings. Those currents still run quietly and steadily in the recesses of my mind with only occassional flashes triggered by a piece of music, or a memory discovered while unpacking yet another moving box. 

And this brings me here, to a family I've known for years now, and like my own family there are long lapses in communication - but all the people I have known have all come to this new place with me. I hope to spend some time writing here about this place, and once we resolve issues with photo downloading, I want to show you what it looks like from our perspective. 

So we're here, well (fingers crossed), and finding our way along this strange new path - one that's as beautiful as it is challenging. When thinking about the reason for our move, and our goals, I would say we're definitely on track and managing successfully the myriad of tasks and details that accompany transplanting oneself, times 2. Night brings an exhaustion that feels good because it means we got more done. It's what we've wanted and done all along - make plans, put them in motion, and go with the flow. So far this is working fine for us and believe me we are overwhelmingly grateful for the way we've been blessed. 

Somebody asked me when we were enroute and stopping in Fla. how it feels moving to a new house we had actually never seen in person. "Exciting and scary" was my reply, and I guess that's still true. But doesn't that describe life? I am also very aware of the fact that Steve and I had formed a lifelong bond before we had ever met in person too - so maybe taking a leap of faith is now becoming more comfortable for me. 

I think of the weeks and months ahead, with their possibilities and some serious responsibilities, and find myself a bit anxious but not afraid. Several times when things were going spectacularly badly during this transition, Steve reminded me of something important to remember by saying " Why would God bring us this far through all the last years just to walk away from us now?" 

Why indeed - so I surprisingly now see myself a little differently than I have over my life. Instead of fearful I now feel brave. Even writing that word startles me - my best friend called me that once we moved here, and he has known me since we met as teenagers so he remembers the timid kid I was. And part of that comes from someone who now feels that God hasn't turned away but has embraced me. 

And that I guess is the best way to describe the way I feel.

Love to you all,


Comment by DJ on August 4, 2022 at 11:42am

Hey Trina; remembering Joseph...


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