I don't know where to begin, so I will go to the beginning! I met Chris when I was 14 and he was 16. He was my first boyfriend and, as always happens at that age, we fell in love.
At 17 we got engaged. We both worked hard to earn the money for our wedding as our parents didn't approve, not because we were gay but because we were too young. We booked our wedding venue for 21st June 2008.
On the 18th of June 2006, Chris and I got involved in a car accident. A drunk driver drove into us flipping us over.
I broke an arm and a leg. Chris broke his back. He was in a coma.
After a week, Chris decided he was too tired to fight and slipped away during the night of the 27th June.
I didn't handle this well, I will admit. What I did next was incredibly selfish and immature but I cannot change it. The night after the funeral, I cut off my casts and I left on a plane to the canaries. There I took work as PR for nightclubs. I took every drug I could get my hands on and drank all day every day, barely stopping for sleep.
After 3 months, my friend Kirsty caught a flight out and dragged me back home. During my absence she had sent off my application to university. I had been offered a place. She told me I had to continue with my plans as they had been before the accident.
So I went, where I continued to drink and take drugs. It wasn't until I nearly got kicked out of university that I realised I had to straighten myself out. In October 2007 I met a lovely man Matt. We dated for a year. He told me he loved me. I never spoke to him again.
December 2008 I met Olly. Olly and I dated for two and a half years. We beat each other up nearly every day.
All this time, every time I got close to someone, I would feel guilty and do something to sabotage it. I wouldn't remove my engagement ring! Also I would compare every man to Chris. The problem there is, I don't know if Chris and I were too young, maybe we wouldn't have lasted. But of course I will never know that, and as a result I hold him on a pedestal.
Last year, I decided it was time to take the ring off. I found it hard. I decided I needed to get away again and moved to Paris.
I have not met the most gorgeous, sweet, kind hearted Frenchman and we love each other dearly. I don't want to screw this one up, I still feel guilty, even though its been almost 7 years! Why do I still feel like this?

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Your feelings are normal. And everyone grieves and mourns in thier own way and time. Today it has been one year since I buried my love of 20 years. I went to a grief supprot group, not just this site but one with a trained coucilor to help in the process. I did this and it Also I have several friends that told me that it will take more time than people think. I really think that a professional can help also tell you why you stabbotage getting close to anyone else. You will be in my prayers.

Hi Dave,

First please let me offer my condolances in your loss.

It has been 8 months since my partner Shane passed away after a short 5 month battle with cancer. The early morning when he passed away, I was with him and felt that my life had ended.  Although we knew the outcome would not be good, we still had hope.

At Shane's service, the Minister talked about feeling of guilt when we lose a loved one, and the importance and the need to forgive ourselves.  Looking at your journey, you have definately had a difficult time in dealing with your loss, and that is understandably.  But at the same time you have made progress in your journey.


Nothing will ever replace the love that you had for Chris.  That is part of who you are and will remain with you for the rest of your life.  But inspite of that you will experience new things, new friendships and those will also become and integral part of who you are.


Cherish the memories, and remeber, just because you now have a new person in your life, you are not replacing Chris.  This is just another chapter in your growth for the future.  Be gentle with yourself!


My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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