Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Steve G. on March 31, 2015 at 2:13pm

So sorry for your loss, it's been almost 4 months now that I lost the love of my life. All of us on this site are or have experienced the same feelings, good intentions from those around us not having a clue what this is like.
My partner and I were together for almost 27 years when he passed on. Does not matter if your relationship was for 2 days or 30 years, the moment you fall in love, you know it's real and your lives become as one. Anger is part of grief. I am no expert but I know that everyone here is for our support and all of us understand what you are going thru.
My pet peeve is that everyone asking me are you ok? There are times I would just like to tell them NO, I lost the love of my life, instead of 'Fine.
Hang on to those memories and know that you are not alone.

Permalink Reply by Richard Turner on March 31, 2015 at 3:36pm

Wow, Tom - so sorry, and what a sad story.  Steve is right - loss is loss, doesn't matter if it was 2 days or 30 years.  Until you go through this process, nobody can prepare you for what it's like and the long often blunt journey it is.   None of us are OK after this happens - or rather, I think the notion of "OK" is changed forever.

It's taken me about a year and a half to get to the point where I feel complete again; sure, there's a loss, an emptiness, but there's also a realization that while part of us might be broken or changed on the face of it, we realize that our lives go on.  I"m dating again and I'm fine with it, but as times goes on I realize I'm not in the market for another husband - just not ready, it's not about how anybody else measures up.  In fact you find that different people appeal to different aspects of your personality.  I think two of these folks have fallen in love with me which is sad (for them) as I'm just not there, mentally.   Which - so I'm told, though I don't believe it - is when you can fall in love again

At this point in your journey, you need to worry about yourself, focus on yourself, and let the process unfold.  You'll never not have his presence; he now lives in you.  This is something nobody outside of this group understands (I'm sure it would freak the heck out of a potential date) - but the heart is infinitely elastic if you let it be.

Use this site, as well.  It was a godsend for me in the beginning, and I still feel the pain of every new person who joins yet I believe that because they have reached out, they too will get through it and find their center, what matters, and figure out how to get back into life.

Permalink Reply by Steve Levin on March 31, 2015 at 3:37pm

One thing I learned is that when people ask "how are you", all they want to hear you say is:  I'm fine, thanks for asking.

It's not about making others feel comfortable it's about you.  I think what helped me accept and start moving on was that I never held anything in.  I cried in public, I made people uncomfortable and could be a jerk--but not holding anything in was the best thing I could have ever done.

Permalink Reply by Mark Pace on March 31, 2015 at 4:50pm

Dear Tom,
I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. I lost my partner after 25 years together last July, like yourself we considered ourselves to be married. After the French government legalized same sex marriage we decided to get married in our 25th year together. Sadly it did not happen as three days before Bertrand suddenly collapsed and died.
Loosing your life partner is something no one can understand except people who have gone through it. It is such a rollarocaster of emotions, I am 47, and people also said to me that I was young enough to met someone else. Strange what people think is comforting.
I do not want to give advice, as I have been lucky as I have had such wonderful support and I hope you are not alone in your grief.
As Steve wrote you are not alone in your grief. Tell people when you are not well and am not coping, I found most people want to help.
Take care

Permalink Reply by Susan on March 31, 2015 at 5:50pm

Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on April 1, 2015 at 8:59am

I almost feel guilty for getting so much comfort at the expense of others pain. Richard, I love that you used the word "elastic", because Jason's favorite musical was Mary Poppins, and one of the songs about dreams states that they are made of "strong elastic".

And Steve, I know exactly what you mean about people asking if I'm OK.......

Mark, I know exactly what you feel when people say we will love again.  I was not with  Jason because I didn't want to be alone. I was at a place where I didn't need another person to make me happy when we met. That made the love that Jason and I shared such a special one.  And without even realizing, they ignore that "specialness", if that makes sense.

I am deeply sorry for each of your losses, and grateful that you chose to share your pain with me.

Permalink Reply by Richard Turner on April 1, 2015 at 10:11am

That's what this group is for.  And even if members find it painful, or perhaps feel they are reliving their pain simply by revisiting their experiences - it helps A LOT to be able to talk about it.  We all try to hold this in, mostly because nobody around us understands what we're going through.  This group is different - it's OK to vent, share, despair, rail, and grieve.  We have all been through this process at various stages.   It's one thing for folks to say "you'll be OK, it'll get better" and quite another to be able to interface with people who are going through it, and have gone through it - and are empathetic to what you are experiencing and will experience.  It's OK to ask "why me?" and sadly there's no answer, except no one is here because they want to be.  

When this first happened to me, I found a site - actually a running blog - written by the husband of a man who lost a lengthy battle with cancer.  The blog detailed what the husband went through during and afterwards.  Ultimately he moved, he fell in love again, he remarried, and he ended his blog.  I was a bit aghast - all that angst and grief, all the blackness of "what do I do now?" and then two years later he was in a new city and a new life??  It seemed so rapid, almost cavalier, but I do now understand this journey is a finite one.   Eventually the pain goes away, the memories become more lustrous, less vivid, new experiences begin to fill the void, and we heal.  That probably doesn't help a lot right now, but in a few months when you re-read some of these posts (which won't be nearly that painful, it will surprise you) you will see how you, too, are healing and moving on.

Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on April 2, 2015 at 10:06am

I was what you might call a late bloomer. I was closeted until I was 30, one of those self haters that gradually opened up.  I held out telling my family, though. It wasn't until I met Jason that I finally finished the coming out process.  It was Jason that made me WANT to be out to my family. 

Still I find that I am not comfortable telling anyone how deeply I miss the physical intimacy. As a expression of love sex turns into something spiritual.  I miss the feeling of his arms around me, the smell of his hair when my arms were around him, the feel of his touch as his hand wrapped around mine while we were watching a movie...the gentle kisses on top of my head, the feeling of his foot rubbing up against mine as I lay falling asleep.  The permanence of this absence feels overwhelming at times, and this is the closest I've come to saying these things out loud. 

Permalink Reply by Richard Turner on April 2, 2015 at 11:24am

I was in the closet until 40!  When I did tell people, folks were generally supportive, but at that point I didn't care anyway.

You will miss the physical connection - and it will be a while before that fades - it's almost like he's still there on the couch sometimes, except he's becoming more and more transparent.   I did find that it helped making some subtle changes - rearranging things, changing some décor, etc., so my environment was more reflective of me than us.   You have to get past the feeling of guilt - "this was important to him.." there's no more him.  Now it is about what's important to you - hard question, because you can't say "it's important to me because it was important to him."  It might be something that outside of him, you wouldn't have done, or liked, or whatever.   This is all about coming back around to you.

It's been 18 months since my spouse passed; I still remember his eyes, the feel of his skin, even his smell.  I no longer smell his cologne and think of him - it took a while, though.  There is a certain loneliness to widowhood, but I think it's part of the natural detachment we all go through.  The odd part is that when you do start dating people again, and you can open yourself up (that's also a gradual process) you do find that while some of the reasons you fell in love with Jason apply to others, but you also find things in other people that Jason didn't fulfill. 

And nobody else you will meet, or date, or even just become friends with, will ever know Jason.   I know it sounds trivial but it's like getting a new pet when a cherished one dies; that new pet has its own needs and doesn't know or care a whit about your former pet.  I think that's also one of the harsh parts, that moving on is also forgetting and even abandoning what was so cherished.

Gosh, that sounds awful, doesn't it?  It's not meant to be - but at a point in the future as you move down the path of the rest of your life, you do make a decision for life or for death - just that you're reaching out and trying to deal with the pain now means you're choosing the life decision.  It ultimately means Jason becomes something (not someone, remember he is only a memory) which is cherished and treasured but not a part of your life - rather, a part of what made you, you.  If you've lost a parent, the experience is very similar.  But it seriously does get better, especially if you let it.

Rich

Permalink Reply by Steve G. on April 2, 2015 at 1:07pm

As we grow older life becomes challenging enough with or without your spouse. Mark's 51st birthday came and went January 19 th. Me I am soon to be 68 and still working. Not interested in dating, did make changes, subtle ones at first around the apartment. Sometimes I feel like what's the point, why am I still here. Mark loved led lights and made me a flower arrangement mixed with led lights. I still turn them on and i sill sit there remembering how proud he was with my surprise and then I let tears flow. Sometimes at night I wake up for no reason and look to see if he is there. Our dog Bella immediately will look at me and start wagging her tail, so I reach over and pet her which distracts me to fall back to sleep.
All said and done if I didn't have her and my work not sure if I could have made this far.
I have today and finding reasons for hope for tomorrow.

Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on April 2, 2015 at 3:46pm

Wise words, Rich, but I must admit that I'm not ready for them yet.  At this point I feel like I'm suffocating, and that someone else understands is like getting a gulp of oxygen after pulling a plastic bag off my head, and I'm desperately gasping to catch my breath......

Permalink Reply by Richard Turner on April 2, 2015 at 4:17pm

Tom, it's day by, frankly.  Steve is right - if a friend asks "are you OK?" and you're not, tell them so.  I'm pretty sure I stretched a few of my friends to the limit but it helped.   And I hope you have a pet (we had cats - or I should say, now I have cats) - they are a lot of comfort during this time.  And they were perfectly OK with curling up in my lap as I sniffled trying to watch TV that I couldn't have cared less about.   And don't give up - it really does get better.

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