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Latest Conversations: Mar 8, 2022
Started by Aaron R Gould. Last reply by John DiLorenzo Jr Aug 24, 2021. 2 Replies 0 Likes
On March 4th, 2021, my partner Kyle committed suicide, by shotgun to the head. I found him in his car, and have been feeling incredibly anxious and alone since then. He always struggled with mental…Continue
Started by James James. Last reply by John Baluyut Apr 18, 2021. 3 Replies 0 Likes
Hello, My name is Jim. Last month I lost my partner and best friend of 5 years unexpectedly. The grief and sense of loss is so overwhelming, In a single instance my life has been turned upside…Continue
Started by Tony Przybyla. Last reply by Kevin Dadouses Apr 18, 2020. 1 Reply 0 Likes
lost my partner of 42 yrs last may. still hurts and this stay at home isolates even more. hard to move forward but am trying. have been out of touch w/ gay community for last 15-20 yrs...due to…Continue
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Good Morning Group. My name is Arvin & I live in Arizona. I found this group & this forum in an effort to cope & maybe understand or come to terms with my loss. I lost my partner, the love of my life, of 10 yrs on December 4, 2015. He had health issues with his liver & a medicine he was inadvertently prescribed took his life on Nov. 12, 2015, He had a serious negative reactions to it that eventually took his life after 2 ½ wks in the hospital. He spent his last days in ICU's in 2 hospitals & I was right there at his side all the time. It's very emotional for me to write this out because it becomes all too real again so please bear with me. I was fortunate to have been with him every day at the 1st hospital but when they transferred him out to a specialist hospital hundreds of miles away, I was only able to get to him in the nick of time to see the medical staff put him on a respirator. I had only reached the hospital by car and made it to the hospital ward with no more than 30 seconds to spear. I was only able to tell him, "I'm here now. I'm here. Be strong. Don't be scared. I love you. You know I love you... I love you. I'm here. I'll be right here." He replied, "Okay Arv, let them put this stuff on me then you can all come back in." That was it. I was then escorted and ask to leave the room while they put him under for the procedure. The rest of the day, his vitals declined until there was no more hope left but to prepare for the obvious. His parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, several cousins and uncles who were fortunate were able to be with us that morning. Unlike me, they got to spend a whole evening & night with him. I'm being told that he shared things with them which probably gave them better closure but I was only given a short time to say those last words to him. The doctors gave us no options for his recovery & eventually they started asking his parents what they would like to do. In his failing condition, it was either leave him in his coma & wait for him to eventually go into cardiac arrest or pull life support & allow him to "pass peacefully." His parents asked me what I thought we should do but I was not going to let him go so easily. I felt like even though they were his parents and family, I somehow had more vested in this decision because I was his partner & they knew this. However, after several hours of discussions & more doctors’ interruptions, I had to finally let them make their decision as mom & dad. As the evening progressed, his parents finally made the decision to remove him from life support & he drifted out 10 mins. later. I was there to the very end holding his hand, rubbing his forehead & stroking his hair, trying my best to comfort him as he passed. I'm not sure if he knew I was there but that's one of the things that kills me the most about this. I don't know if he knew what was happening to him. We all cried and broke down. It was literally, the saddest thing & day in my ENTIRE life. It's been 2 months exactly since he left & I'm on a continuous roller coaster of dread, panic/anxiety, grief, loneliness, heartache & depression. I've been talking to people & some understand but others are only being nice. Most people knew of our relationship & the amount of time we spent together. Still I cry almost daily & I just can't seem to find a way to feel OK anymore.
Eric,All you knew when you left his room was that his passing was imminent and probable but NOT that it would occur before you returned. Even if you did have some power to know that, what is done is done. If you insist upon feeling guilty for leaving so as to NOT witness his passing and be with him until the end that is something you will have to face, reconcile with and resolve on your own. No one can help you do that except yourself. I hope you find resolution and peace easily.
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