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Comment by Gregg Yazzie on May 31, 2016 at 5:11pm

In AZ too Rad and Arvin. It’s been a little over 3 weeks (May 8, 2016) since I lost Joe to cancer and it really, really hurts. My heart/chest ache constantly and I feel nervous all the time. I am on Zoloft, but I can’t tell if that is helping me or not. His cremains are in my living room next to his picture and I talk to him in that way daily. I miss him so much. We went through the hospice home care for the last 2 weeks of his life and I saw him slowly and then quickly decline in health in our home. I know from him and others that he did not want me to hurt. He told me before that he was worried about me and wondered who would take care of me.  I thought I could handle it and I told him that I would be okay. I’m not. The only comfort I get is when I think that he is no longer always tired, or sick, or in pain. He is now with God and his passed relatives. I now live alone in a house that was already too big for us and it feels so empty. He used to cook meals for me while I worked. Now, I don’t even cook for myself and have problems keeping up with chores and daily life. We really didn’t establish a friendship network, so I don’t have many close friends to confide in and my siblings all live far away. I did have friends over this weekend to keep me company and it just was not the same.  I have lost my parents and others, but this far outweighs the sadness, loneliness, and desperation I am feeling now. I am used to calling Joe every day for whatever reason, just to hear his voice. I now cry a lot when I want to do just that. There’s no one at the other end now. Please someone, tell me what you may have done to lessen the pain. I do still work, but it only preoccupies part of my days and I find I don’t talk as much at work because I am not “out” at work. Bless you all.

Comment by Rad on February 17, 2016 at 8:08am

Hello, I'm living in Arizona; originally from Malaysia. It has been close to 2 months now since I lost my soul mate, 'Akota Summer-Ray Bochenclinii (February 5, 1997- December 31, 2015)...My story starts like this:

I know 'Akota through school, he was my close friend. We were just friends for a year and nothing more than that. I was straight at that time, and had never explored my sexual orientation. We were so close in school and we talked about every and anything to each other. One day, he said that he liked me, I said that I like him a lot as a friend too and I just changed topic. Somewhere in November 2015, 'Ako was selected by the school PI to go perform some research back in NM, where he was originally from. I was a little sad that he will be leaving and he will only be back on January 19th 2016.

While he was driving to NM, I called him and talked to him on the phone to keep him from sleeping all the way, he was on Bluetooth wireless so I'm ok with that. It was so nice talking to him. I feel really weird as I really miss his presence. I started texting him daily and talked to him everyday while he was in NM. One day, I just feel that he is really special and I popped the question saying that I do not like him, but I love him so so much and he will be the first guy and last I'll ever love. He was so shocked, yet was so happy and cried on the phone as he was waiting for this day so badly and he is really happy that we are officially boyfriends. I broke my rule #1 - no relationship till graduate with a bachelors; but that was the best rule I had ever broken!

We talked every night, everything was so sweet. Thanksgiving past, Christmas came and we talked so much more and every conversation we had day by day just made our relationship grew stronger. He even told his mom about me and he wanted me to meet them in the summer after I graduate in my associates at SCC. I'm so excited! We have the most random topics for every conversations and they all lasted for more than 2 hours.

I was in LA during New Year's Eve with my friend from Malaysia. He will driving to CO from NM to celebrate with some of his family members. I called him on 12/29/2015 and spoke to him for almost 1 hour and he will be back to his second house in NM which has no signal. "I'll call you when I'm in CO during New Year's Eve babe, I love you!" He said.

New Year's Eve night, I did not hear anything from him, not a text or phone call. I was super worried. I kept calling his phone and there's no answer! Day by day passed... It was then 01/04/2016! I finally got a text from his number:

"Mr. Rad. Hi, I'm Martin, 'Ako's uncle. 'Akota was in a vehicle accident while on the way to Denver on New Year's Eve. And I'm sorry to let you know that he is no longer with us. We had his funeral this morning. Again, we are sorry... Best."

I was shocked, I almost fainted, I tried to grasp for air, and I just started balling! I can't believe that my boyfriend is dead. I will never be able to see him as my boyfriend in person, never get to hold his hand, never get to give him his first kiss. My boyfriend died a virgin. I tried to contact his family members but they did not reply my texts as they are mourning deeply. Shortly, his phone number was cut off. I was never able to see his family members or his grave. I only have few pictures of him. I will never see him again. Luckily, he did left me quite a few voicemails when I missed his calls and I still listen to them daily.

I know that he is in a better place right now but I still miss him dearly. I talk to him every night. And I tell him that I love him everyday like I used to. It is the 7th week now.... All the plans for the future we had, is now cancelled. But the memories of him and our relationship will always be in my mind. I love you 'Akota.

Comment by Steve G. on February 3, 2016 at 11:23pm

Arvin,
You have my deepest sympathies for what you are going thru. Words cannot begin to describe the pain we feel about our lost loved one.
I would like to tell you that over time we don't really get over it, our mind and body takes over so that we learn to live and cope with our loss. We are changed from who we were to someone different.
It has been 1 year and 2 months sine I lost my Mark. We were together for 27 wonderful years. He to passed away in his sleep while we were napping.
What you are experiencing is raw grief, let it out and do not be ashamed, remember all the good things and live one day at a time.
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Comment by Arvin Bain on February 3, 2016 at 1:06pm

Good Morning Group.  My name is Arvin & I live in Arizona.  I found this group & this forum in an effort to cope & maybe understand or come to terms with my loss.  I lost my partner, the love of my life, of 10 yrs on December 4, 2015.  He had health issues with his liver & a medicine he was inadvertently prescribed took his life on Nov. 12, 2015, He had a serious negative reactions to it that eventually took his life after 2 ½ wks in the hospital.  He spent his last days in ICU's in 2 hospitals & I was right there at his side all the time.  It's very emotional for me to write this out because it becomes all too real again so please bear with me. I was fortunate to have been with him every day at the 1st hospital but when they transferred him out to a specialist hospital hundreds of miles away, I was only able to get to him in the nick of time to see the medical staff put him on a respirator.  I had only reached the hospital by car and made it to the hospital ward with no more than 30 seconds to spear.  I was only able to tell him, "I'm here now.  I'm here.  Be strong.  Don't be scared. I love you.  You know I love you... I love you.  I'm here.  I'll be right here."  He replied, "Okay Arv, let them put this stuff on me then you can all come back in."  That was it.  I was then escorted and ask to leave the room while they put him under for the procedure. The rest of the day, his vitals declined until there was no more hope left but to prepare for the obvious.  His parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, several cousins and uncles who were fortunate were able to be with us that morning.  Unlike me, they got to spend a whole evening & night with him.  I'm being told that he shared things with them which probably gave them better closure but I was only given a short time to say those last words to him.  The doctors gave us no options for his recovery & eventually they started asking his parents what they would like to do.  In his failing condition, it was either leave him in his coma & wait for him to eventually go into cardiac arrest or pull life support & allow him to "pass peacefully."  His parents asked me what I thought we should do but I was not going to let him go so easily.  I felt like even though they were his parents and family, I somehow had more vested in this decision because I was his partner & they knew this.  However, after several hours of discussions & more doctors’ interruptions, I had to finally let them make their decision as mom & dad.  As the evening progressed, his parents finally made the decision to remove him from life support & he drifted out 10 mins. later.  I was there to the very end holding his hand, rubbing his forehead & stroking his hair, trying my best to comfort him as he passed.  I'm not sure if he knew I was there but that's one of the things that kills me the most about this.  I don't know if he knew what was happening to him.  We all cried and broke down.  It was literally, the saddest thing & day in my ENTIRE life.  It's been 2 months exactly since he left & I'm on a continuous roller coaster of dread, panic/anxiety, grief, loneliness, heartache & depression.  I've been talking to people & some understand but others are only being nice.  Most people knew of our relationship & the amount of time we spent together.  Still I cry almost daily & I just can't seem to find a way to feel OK anymore.

Comment by Don Fournier on August 15, 2015 at 3:17pm

Hi Eric

Take comfort that your partner didn't want you to see him died. My partner passed away in his sleep, in his own bed, in our home.... Just the way he wanted. He was so fearful of dying in a hospital bed. He waited for me to come home from work after covering for an evening shift, which I rarely did. I kissed and hugged him good night and said ' I'll see you in the morning' like I had done for 17 years. The morning of October 22, 2013 saw my world crash down around me and my life hasn't been the same since.
I know he's around me and truly believe I have an angel watching over me. My deepest sympathy to you Eric. I would like to tell you it gets easier in time but it doesn't. I miss him more than I could ever imagine.
Take care of yourself - Don

Comment by eric johnson on August 15, 2015 at 1:35pm

It's so easy to forget the times I would cook meals for him 3rimes over until he would find something he could tolerate and all those round the clock meds as well as bathing him cleaning up vomit , cleaning the commode and all house hold things damm I did a lot!! And I would do it all again just to have 1 more minute with him

Comment by eric johnson on August 15, 2015 at 1:28pm

I suppose beating my self up over the final moment is useless. After all I was there with him 20 plus hours a day, slept over night with him in the hospital, and took round the clock care of him at home giving him needles 4 times a day as well as iv antibiotics every 6 hours for 12 weeks . I really was there for him so I should be quite proud

Comment by J Greene on August 15, 2015 at 1:18pm

I spent every night at Hospice when my Mom was there. I woke up at 12:40am turned and found she had passed. The nurses told me. They don't want you to see them pass away. That was 7yrs ago.My partner of 21+ years, passed away on January 10th 2015. I was there, and able to kiss him on the lips as the monitor flat lined. His family said I sent him Home.

Comment by Steve Feldman on August 15, 2015 at 12:20pm

Eric,All you knew when you left his room was that his passing was imminent and probable but NOT that it would occur before you returned. Even if you did have some power to know that, what is done is done. If you insist upon feeling guilty for leaving so as to NOT witness his passing and be with him until the end that is something you will have to face, reconcile with and resolve on your own. No one can help you do that except yourself. I hope you find resolution and peace easily.

Comment by eric johnson on August 15, 2015 at 8:30am

Every morning I wake up and I'm happy because I think that he still alive and then it sinks in that he's gone and I'll never see him again and the tears come into reminds me of how I just went to sleep I hope this will change

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