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The Misconceptions about Grief
My favorite grief information comes from Alan Wolfelt’s Understanding Your Grief. In it, he educates us about misconceptions we sometimes experience as mourners. #1. Grief and mourning are the same thing - NOT. Mourning is what we do when we go to a funeral and engage in storytelling about the deceased. Grief is what we do when we are in our car driving to the cemetery trying to make sense out of what has happened. Mourning is an expression of grief. Grief encompasses internal thoughts and feelings. Not everyone can grieve – only those who love can grieve. Grief holds all your thoughts, feelings and images of the experience. Mourning is when you take the grief you have on the inside, and express it outside yourself. This can take the form of talking about the person who died, crying, expressing thoughts and feelings, celebrating special anniversaries, continuing your relationship with the deceased through rituals, going to the cemetery, etc.
To mourn is to heal.
#2. Grief and mourning progress in predictable orderly stages - NOT. There are no “stages” of grief everyone goes through at the same time. Grief is different for everyone, just as mourning is different for everyone. Allow yourself to be naturally, where you are in the process. A journaling idea is: Where are you now? #3. Along this same line of thinking is the idea that we should move away from grief, not toward it - NOT. Moving away from grief, or hiding from it can cause one to isolate or attempt to run away from their grief. Moving away from grief creates anxiety, confusion and depression (p. 26). Grief is not something to be overcome – it is to be experienced. A journaling idea is: How have you moved toward your grief today? #4. Another misconception about grief is that tears of grief are a sign of weakness – NOT. “Crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in your body, and it allows you to communicate a need to be comforted.” (p. 27) A journaling idea is: How do you feel about crying? Who can you cry with the easiest? #5. A more common misconception, especially in the Midwest, is that being upset and openly mourning means you are being “weak” in your faith – NOT. Mourning is a spiritual journey of the heart and soul (p.28). For many, it strengthens their faith. #6. Continuing on, a truly devastating misconception about grief is when someone you love dies, you only grieve and mourn for the physical loss of the person – NOT. You can experience loss of self, loss of identity, loss of self confidence, loss of security, and loss of meaning like goals and dreams, faith, desire to live, and joy. A journaling idea is: Name all the losses you experienced with the loss of your grandchild. #7. Another misconception is that you should try not to think about the person who died on holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays – NOT. Where does the heartache go if you do not let it out when it naturally arises? Holidays, anniversaries and birthdays are naturally occurring occasions when grief arises. If you stuff it, you invite anxiety, depression, confusion, and physical illnesses. Other misconceptions include: (#8) After someone you love dies, the goal should be to “get over” your grief as soon as possible –NOT. You do not get over grief – you learn to live with it (p. 32). That takes time. Would you ever want to get over your love for the one that died? No. Grief is connected to the love you feel for that person. Just because someone dies does not mean your love for them dies.
(#9) Nobody can help you with your grief – NOT. “The most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out for help from others” (p. 32). By definition, mourning requires that you get support from sources outside of yourself. A journaling idea is: Who helps you with your grief? (#10) When grief and mourning are finally reconciled, they never come up again – NOT. Sometimes when you least expect it, a huge wave comes along and pulls your feet right out from under you (p. 33). These are called grief bursts. Allow yourself to experience griefbursts [moments when the wave of grief washes over you] without shame or self-judgment, no matter where or when they occur (p. 33). A journaling idea is: When did you last experience a griefburst? What happened? You will always feel some grief over this death for the rest of your life. The more you work with it, the less it will negatively dominate you. However, it will always be there to remind you of the love you have for your loved one.
Are their other misconceptions you have experienced? Please share with us these other misconceptions, and also, how the previous misconceptions have affected your life.
To mourn is to heal.
#2. Grief and mourning progress in predictable orderly stages - NOT. There are no “stages” of grief everyone goes through at the same time. Grief is different for everyone, just as mourning is different for everyone. Allow yourself to be naturally, where you are in the process. A journaling idea is: Where are you now? #3. Along this same line of thinking is the idea that we should move away from grief, not toward it - NOT. Moving away from grief, or hiding from it can cause one to isolate or attempt to run away from their grief. Moving away from grief creates anxiety, confusion and depression (p. 26). Grief is not something to be overcome – it is to be experienced. A journaling idea is: How have you moved toward your grief today? #4. Another misconception about grief is that tears of grief are a sign of weakness – NOT. “Crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in your body, and it allows you to communicate a need to be comforted.” (p. 27) A journaling idea is: How do you feel about crying? Who can you cry with the easiest? #5. A more common misconception, especially in the Midwest, is that being upset and openly mourning means you are being “weak” in your faith – NOT. Mourning is a spiritual journey of the heart and soul (p.28). For many, it strengthens their faith. #6. Continuing on, a truly devastating misconception about grief is when someone you love dies, you only grieve and mourn for the physical loss of the person – NOT. You can experience loss of self, loss of identity, loss of self confidence, loss of security, and loss of meaning like goals and dreams, faith, desire to live, and joy. A journaling idea is: Name all the losses you experienced with the loss of your grandchild. #7. Another misconception is that you should try not to think about the person who died on holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays – NOT. Where does the heartache go if you do not let it out when it naturally arises? Holidays, anniversaries and birthdays are naturally occurring occasions when grief arises. If you stuff it, you invite anxiety, depression, confusion, and physical illnesses. Other misconceptions include: (#8) After someone you love dies, the goal should be to “get over” your grief as soon as possible –NOT. You do not get over grief – you learn to live with it (p. 32). That takes time. Would you ever want to get over your love for the one that died? No. Grief is connected to the love you feel for that person. Just because someone dies does not mean your love for them dies.
(#9) Nobody can help you with your grief – NOT. “The most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out for help from others” (p. 32). By definition, mourning requires that you get support from sources outside of yourself. A journaling idea is: Who helps you with your grief? (#10) When grief and mourning are finally reconciled, they never come up again – NOT. Sometimes when you least expect it, a huge wave comes along and pulls your feet right out from under you (p. 33). These are called grief bursts. Allow yourself to experience griefbursts [moments when the wave of grief washes over you] without shame or self-judgment, no matter where or when they occur (p. 33). A journaling idea is: When did you last experience a griefburst? What happened? You will always feel some grief over this death for the rest of your life. The more you work with it, the less it will negatively dominate you. However, it will always be there to remind you of the love you have for your loved one.
Are their other misconceptions you have experienced? Please share with us these other misconceptions, and also, how the previous misconceptions have affected your life.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kalyn on
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Thank you so much Estil...I really don't know where I would be without you and your wonderful words. Today is really hard....it marks that pivot. Tomorrow she will be gone longer than we had her. I don't know how to do this...I feel like I have been given a life sentence. I worry about her Daddy, he seems to be so strong and I am afraid he is just trying to be strong for Addison's Mommy.. I can see it in his eyes, how hurt he is and how strong he is trying to be. Today we watched a christmas show, don't know why, and I really don't know how we are going to get through the holidays. Our oldest grand daughter's birthday is the 15th of December then Addison's is the 16th, Christmas, then our middle ones birthday is Jan 8th. How do we do it? How can we even begin to celebrate anything when Addison should of been 1? Some days I don't even want to do this anymore. Is that normal? I don't think I know what normal is anymore. What do I say to Mommy and Daddy on holidays, when it seems so hard. Today, when Addison should of been watching the fireworks with wonder in her eyes, they stayed home. Not only do I miss Addison but now I also miss my son and daughter-in-law because they stay home so much. Is it ok to tell them I need them? Shouldn't it be the other way around, I should be the one being there for them? I don't want to put another burden on them by being the needy one....my husband just doesn't talk about Addison, I think men grieve differently than women, they are so silent. Sometimes I just want to ask them if I can come sit in Addison's room, just to be close to her things, just to take her all in. I know she isn't there but all of her things are. I know I am rambling but like I said it has been a really hard day. It doesn't help that it has rained for days here and doesn't look like it will be letting up. Thank you again for listening to the ramblings of a broken Nana....much love, Kalyn
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Permalink Reply by Estil Canterbury on
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Dearest Kalyn
There are no magic words, but what you are doing IS magic. It is magic in that grieving is transforming. Your life will never be the same. You will mark your life in increments "before" and "after". You will transform. Right now you are the caterpillar in the cocoon. Grief is your chrysalis. Everyone is hurting around you, and you are hurting beyond belief.
I don't know what I would have done without touching Nevaeh's things. I was having trouble grasping that she was not coming back when one day I saw her car seat by the door. I fell into it and cried my heart out. I finally realized she was gone, and not coming back. Without her things, I don't know what I would have done. I still have her favorite binky on my dresser, which I look at everyday.
It's hard to want pleasure when you feel so bad - it's difficult to think about joy, and fun at this time. We could not celebrate Christmas the first year - nor any other holiday that first year. We still got together, but everything was different and solemn. The second year was a little better, and this past year was better than the year before. Her birthday is still difficult. She would be 4 years old this August. :-(
I visit her grave every other Sunday. I resupply the flowers, pick the weeds out from around her stone, and brush off the statues and toys lying on or around her stone. I found a company that will print a picture on a garden flag. I have a flag picture of her posted on her grave. i get to look at that beautiful face and kiss her stone. It makes me feel like I am still helping to care for her.
My daughter is finally doing better. She is no longer having nightmares every night. She used to dream about loosing Nevaeh in a mall or woods and she would spend the entire night searching for her. But in the past six months, those dreams have been few and far in between. I must admit, I am not worrying about her as much as I was. She told me the other day that she is getting a tattoo of a tree on her leg - and every time she feels unsteady she will look at it and see that she has roots. I can't explain it - but somehow that told me she was getting her bearings.
I hope that you are having a little better day today. If I could I would invite you over for some tea and we would sit and listen to the birds chirping. It's simple things that can bring some relief.
Peace, Estil -
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Estil, I would love to have tea with you...I have been working on a memorial garden for Addison. It makes me feel closer to her and want to put some of her beauty back on this earth. It will never be anywhere near as beautiful as she is but it helps to do something with my hands, also to wear me out so I can sleep at night. I viewed Nevaeh's website, what a beautiful, wonderful angel she is. Absolutely stunning. Did not realize her birthday was Aug. 8th. Mine is the 5th. How is your daughter? Please let her know I will be praying for her also. I didn't realize she was so young when she lost her. My daughter has had three miscarriages and then my son's loss of Addison. How are you doing? Today is one of those days....do you ever quit counting every day you have been with out them? Do you ever quit just thinking, well this month she would be doing such and such and she would be this big? This month she would be 7 months old? How is it even possible that she has been gone nearly 4 months when the pain says it was yesterday...Last night I dreamed of her funeral and in my dream my son just took her body everywhere with him, not wanting to let go....it was horrible. I look back now on that morning at the hospital and wonder if I let him down then. Did I do enough for him in the days that followed when my own grief was swallowing me up? Does he realize that I was in shock also and couldn't even put a full thought together? Does he realize that I love him as much as he loved her? and as much as he hurts for her, I hurt for him....I feel like there's no one left here to mourn with. What really hurts is that me and my mother had an argument the other day and in anger she said, "If you think I feel sorry for you, your wrong, I don't." I realize that her anger comes from many other things that she thinks have wronged her but I would never say anything like that to anyone after a loss like this. My brother lost his son to a cord accident and I honestly believe she is jealous because it didn't get as much attention as Addison's death did....that's all I can figure out. It really doesn't matter, it hurt to the core and I am finding it hard for our relationship to get back on track. Before we had lost Addison I thought we had a pretty good relationship but now, I really think it was all a farce on her part.....the hate I seen in her eyes that day makes me wonder if she ever really was sincere. She and I have always had a strained relationship as she is a control freak and I refuse to be controlled, unlike my siblings....I am the black sheep! She's always treated my children differently also. I wish it wasn't true or it was some misguided conception on my part but other people have noticed it also. Does she really think my son and I deserve this? Could someone really be jealous of the attention someone got because of a tragedy? Do you know how much I wish we weren't so well known in this town now? I wish no one knew who I was...now I just feel like I'm the, " one whose grandbaby died." We live in a really small town and everyone knows everything about everyone, so they think. The stories I have heard about my own grand daughters death are just stupid.....people even come up to us and ask all the time, have you got the autopsy back? what did it say? Even my mother can't quit asking.... I just say that I don't know if they have gotten it back or not and that in the end it doesn't matter because the bottom line never changes, she's gone. I know what happened, a tragedy! I don't need to know officially whether she aspirated or died of SIDS, she's gone and that's all this Nana's heart needs to know. Again, thank you for listening to my ramblings. Please know I thank God for putting you in my life and giving me an outlet for all of these thoughts that seem so unorganized in my head. Hug your daughter and tell her I think of you all very often. You have a beautiful angel and I love the way you have her resting place decorated. I wish we could but s
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Dear Kalyn
Know that you are in my heart and I treasure every word you write - for surely - it is no easy thing.
Thank you for the kind words about my grand daughter. As for my daughter, I can finally say that she is doing well. I could not say that until recently. It was 3 years in January and I have been worried about her until now. Thank you for asking about her.
When I take a birthday balloon to Nevaeh's grave I will think happy thoughts about your birthday - Leo sisters :-)
I am sorry to hear your daughter has had three miscarriage - most people do not realize that women begin a relationship with a fetus as soon as they find out they are pregnant. It doesn't matter when you miscarry, you have a relationship to grieve. I hope your daughter got a chance to grieve her children.
How am I doing? That is a good question. As far as my grief for Nevaeh, it is wonderful in that I can think about her and her death and feel warm inside. I appreciate all griefbursts because they remind me of how much I loved her and still do. Because I have many photos of her throughout my house, I do not go a day without thinking of her. But I can say that those thoughts are mostly filled with an appreciation that I got to hold an angel. I got to kiss an angel. And I got to love and be loved by an angel.
To answer your question about thinking about her and counting how long its been since she's gone - yes - that changed for me - I now only count how long we had her with us. Once in a while it will dawn on me that it has been 3 1/2 years, but that number isn't as important to me as the 24 birthdays we got to have with her (since we celebrated her birthday every Tuesday).
I too asked whether I was present enough for my daughter directly after Nevaeh's death, in the years to follow she has been able to talk with me about it. She has said that she was in so much shock, for so long, that she has no memories of who was there and who wasn't. As far as she knows, we were all there for her in every way we could be. That makes sense to me and I believe her. I suspect your son will say something similar when he is able to talk about it.
I cannot begin to express how very sorry I am that your mother has spoken the unspeakable. I can only imagine how much she must be hurting in order to be able to say that to a mourning grand mother. And, I can't begin to imagine how much you are hurting over it. If you stop to notice just how much that hurt, I bet you would feel like you were breaking in two. I am very sorry that happened.
I suppose a small town could be very hard to take. On the one hand it is nice that people want to talk to you about your grand-baby - even when their questions are inappropriate - because it gives you a chance to mourn. ON the other hand, at this stage in your grieving process, it is very difficult to take insensitivity or ignorance. I hope that as time goes on, their curiosity becomes a good outlet for you to mourn.
I believe grandparents were created to fill in the gaps for grandchildren so that they can experience the full range of human love. A grandmother's love is deeper than an ocean, wider than a mountain range, and stronger than any known element. When that love cannot be used in the way it was meant to be, the pain is unbearable. As we share in this unbearable pain, our connection will help each to bare a little more so that we can come out on the other side a little stronger, and better for the ware. If you can, take a moment and notice something in nature that reminds you of the glorious wonder in you.
Peace My Friend,
Estil -
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Hello Estil,
Just wanted to check in and say hello...oh how I wished we lived close together. I feel like you're the only one that understands that I still need to grieve. There are so few people here who have lost a child that I guess they just don't understand how you come to love so quickly and totally. Some days are better but some days it still just takes my breath away. I still relive that phone call from my son that morning over and over, can't seem to get it to quit replaying itself in my mind. I will be sitting doing something and some snippet of conversation from that morning will just pop into my head. The most prevelent, "we still haven't been able to get a heartbeat." That one breaks me into everytime.....I try not to ask why it had to be our angel as I really wouldn't want anyone to have to go through this, but sometimes that selfishness sneaks in. As I might of said, our daughter is pregnant. I don't think I have given much background on her but she's 23 and this is her sixth pregnancy. When she was 10 her kidneys failed and they told her never to have children, that her body just couldn't take the stress, she didn't listen. She lost her first child, had our oldest grand daughter, thirteen months later had our second grand daughter. She was 20 then. Came to us a few months later and said she had bitten off more than she could chew and left them with us and we have had them ever since. Actually, I have always had them because she lived with us and never took care of them herself. She married a drug addict and lost two more children. One weekend after major kidney surgery, he beat her up, took her pain meds, and left her to die with 104 fever and sepsis. She had to get up, crawl out of the window because he had baracaded her in the house and walk to use a phone to call me so I could get her some help. A divorce and 20,000 dollars of his drug debt later (which we paid), she is remarried and pregnant. She has one working kidney which is barely working because of the strain and now heart problems. Also placenta previa. She has already went into labor three times and they have been able to stop it. She isn't due until the last of September but right now the drs are just trying to get three more weeks. All of that being said, it's hard on me and her brother. Did I mention she is having a little girl? Estil, I feel nothing! And it scares me. I know I love this new baby....am I just trying to protect myself? I feel like I am betraying my son and Addison by feeling something for this new sweet baby. Am I just so angry with my daughter for everything she is putting herself and us through that I can't feel anything? This has caused major problems with her brother. He has watched her just haphazardly have children and give them away, not bothering to ever even call to come by to check on them and he loved Addison so much and lost her. I don't know how to deal with his anger, or mine for that matter. I haven't even been able to go shopping for our new baby. I can't even go through the baby section at any store yet. Karis, the new baby, will be three months old at Christmas. That's how old Addison was when we lost her...Addison would be having her birthday 9 days before Christmas, I don't know how I am going to do that, how can my son possibly do that? Right now I am trying to figure out how to get through this delivery...same hospital, same surgery suite, even same dr....I feel like I'm drowning....I know I want them all to be ok but I'm not sure I can do this, to smell that baby and be reminded of Addison...I'm so scared I'm just going to go to pieces right there at the hospital. My son refuses to be there and I understand completely....I tried to talk to my husband about all of this but he just fefuses to talk....So I turn to you....your words always help....thank you again for listening...much love to you!
Estil Canterbury said:Dear Kalyn
Know that you are in my heart and I treasure every word you write - for surely - it is no easy thing.
Thank you for the kind words about my grand daughter. As for my daughter, I can finally say that she is doing well. I could not say that until recently. It was 3 years in January and I have been worried about her until now. Thank you for asking about her.
When I take a birthday balloon to Nevaeh's grave I will think happy thoughts about your birthday - Leo sisters :-)
I am sorry to hear your daughter has had three miscarriage - most people do not realize that women begin a relationship with a fetus as soon as they find out they are pregnant. It doesn't matter when you miscarry, you have a relationship to grieve. I hope your daughter got a chance to grieve her children.
How am I doing? That is a good question. As far as my grief for Nevaeh, it is wonderful in that I can think about her and her death and feel warm inside. I appreciate all griefbursts because they remind me of how much I loved her and still do. Because I have many photos of her throughout my house, I do not go a day without thinking of her. But I can say that those thoughts are mostly filled with an appreciation that I got to hold an angel. I got to kiss an angel. And I got to love and be loved by an angel.
To answer your question about thinking about her and counting how long its been since she's gone - yes - that changed for me - I now only count how long we had her with us. Once in a while it will dawn on me that it has been 3 1/2 years, but that number isn't as important to me as the 24 birthdays we got to have with her (since we celebrated her birthday every Tuesday).
I too asked whether I was present enough for my daughter directly after Nevaeh's death, in the years to follow she has been able to talk with me about it. She has said that she was in so much shock, for so long, that she has no memories of who was there and who wasn't. As far as she knows, we were all there for her in every way we could be. That makes sense to me and I believe her. I suspect your son will say something similar when he is able to talk about it.
I cannot begin to express how very sorry I am that your mother has spoken the unspeakable. I can only imagine how much she must be hurting in order to be able to say that to a mourning grand mother. And, I can't begin to imagine how much you are hurting over it. If you stop to notice just how much that hurt, I bet you would feel like you were breaking in two. I am very sorry that happened.
I suppose a small town could be very hard to take. On the one hand it is nice that people want to talk to you about your grand-baby - even when their questions are inappropriate - because it gives you a chance to mourn. ON the other hand, at this stage in your grieving process, it is very difficult to take insensitivity or ignorance. I hope that as time goes on, their curiosity becomes a good outlet for you to mourn.
I believe grandparents were created to fill in the gaps for grandchildren so that they can experience the full range of human love. A grandmother's love is deeper than an ocean, wider than a mountain range, and stronger than any known element. When that love cannot be used in the way it was meant to be, the pain is unbearable. As we share in this unbearable pain, our connection will help each to bare a little more so that we can come out on the other side a little stronger, and better for the ware. If you can, take a moment and notice something in nature that reminds you of the glorious wonder in you.
Peace My Friend,
Estil -
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Hi Kalyn
I am sorry it has taken me a few days to get back with you. Frankly, your circumstance was so dramatic and traumatic that I had to think about it before I responded. I can't imagine what you are going through.
Your grand child died less than five months ago - of course you still need to grieve. People in your town knows what it means to love completely and totally in such a short period of time - just ask any newly pregnant mom or dad. A grandparents love is the same way. The unrealized future of your grand daughter hurts you - your legacy (in her) died. To pretend it doesn't hurt is to hurt yourself more.
The reliving of the phone call concerns me - this could be something like post traumatic stress. You can release some of that stress by telling someone you trust the exact details leading up to and including that moment - sounds, sights, smells, touch, and tastes. You can write it here if it helps. Doing this will hurt - but - in doing this you are facing the hurt head-on instead of keeping it in the background where it creeps up to surprise you.
I don't recall you mentioning that your daughter was pregnant. I am sorry that the circumstances surrounding this child are unfavorable for a close connection. I can't imagine what you are going through. And what your son is going through. All the anger he and you are feeling is still riddled with grief-anger over Addison and now it is mixing in with this new baby. That is a dangerous mixture and can easily lead to complicated grief. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about shopping right now - I would worry about your mental health coming out on the other side of all this trauma. This is a very traumatic and dramatic situation you are in. I understand your thoughts turning toward Christmas. It sounds like it will still be a difficult time for you and your family at that time. Having this new baby in the exact circumstance of Addison is a bit over the top when it comes to coincidences. My heart is breaking for you, and your family.
That you are coherent enough to write to me says a lot about your resilience. It says that you are a very strong woman, with tremendous internal resources. I admire you.
I wish I could write several pages in response to your letter, but the truth-of-the-matter is there are no words to express my deep, heartfelt sympathy over the death of your grand daughter, and my unwavering admiration over how you are handling the rest of your life.
Please keep me informed. I am here.
Estil -
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Hello Estil,
It has been another long week with my daughter. She, once again, went into labor and they had to stop it. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and am, quiet simply, ready to get off and take a breath! After they let her come home from the hospital on Friday, we went for another sono on Monday. You know there's something wrong when they look, look, and look some more. I finally just asked the tech what she was looking for and what was taking so long, as I simply have no patience for someone trying to soothe me right now. She said that baby Karis wasn't practicing breathing like a baby at her stage of development should and that they needed to see her take a practice breath to make sure she wasn't in stress. Needless to say, that never happened. Off we went for further testing. They did a non-stress test on her and she did pass the second half. We will go in the morning for another sono and if they don't see her practicing again we will repeat the second half of the test again. Estil, I don't understand what they are waiting for....the placenta has already started to calcify and change, Karis is not growing like she should...right now we're 4lb 9 oz and my daughter is 36 weeks. They have told us not to expect her to gain more than another 4 oz. The dr. said she may change her mind tomorrow and go in if things are not going well or if Karis's weight has declined or the placenta has changed more. If not, right now the plan is to go in on the 24th and get her. With the placenta previa they will have to do a c-section anyway. I know they are trying to give Karis every oppurtunity to develope those lungs but it's just putting so much stress on us all. I guess that my heart sunk when I realized that Karis was in trouble was a good sign, I do love her, I do want to protect her. It has just taken so long to let go and let my heart love her. I'm so scared of the potential for hurting like I do for Addison again. Maybe if this pregnancy was "normal" I could let go easier but right now I'm so afraid to love her and lose her. I know that isn't realistic because we could lose any of those we love every day, I know that well. I continue to hang on to my faith and know that God has a plan for all of us and that His plan is perfect eventhough at times it simply doesn't feel like, to us, that it could be.
I have to tell you about going to the cemetary to clean Addison's grave....I went on Sunday the 8th, what a coincidence, anyway...sorry I just realized what day it had been and realized that maybe you were visiting Neveah at the same time. As I was sitting in the grass cleaning her stone and making sure the grass was clipped from around it, I started talking to her like I always do. Usually here in North Texas the wind is always blowing but that morning, nothing. I had been there a few minutes when this wind, one of the softest I have ever felt just started blowing all around me. It was so soft, that's the only way I can describe it. Soft, yet strong. Strong enough to whistle ever so lightly through the trees, move my hair, and twinkle the wind chimes across the park but yet so soft you really could barely feel it...it done that for what could of been 5 seconds or 5 minutes. I was so lost in the softness, strength, and peace of it I really don't know. I do know that my sweet Addison came to see me that day....I felt her. I felt her peace, her softness, and her strength. It was amazing....I will take you up on your offer of letting me write about that day, not right now. I'm not ready....thank you for your wisdom and your kindness. I truly don't know how I could do this without someone to talk to, I too admire you and your strength.
Estil Canterbury said:Hi Kalyn
I am sorry it has taken me a few days to get back with you. Frankly, your circumstance was so dramatic and traumatic that I had to think about it before I responded. I can't imagine what you are going through.
Your grand child died less than five months ago - of course you still need to grieve. People in your town knows what it means to love completely and totally in such a short period of time - just ask any newly pregnant mom or dad. A grandparents love is the same way. The unrealized future of your grand daughter hurts you - your legacy (in her) died. To pretend it doesn't hurt is to hurt yourself more.
The reliving of the phone call concerns me - this could be something like post traumatic stress. You can release some of that stress by telling someone you trust the exact details leading up to and including that moment - sounds, sights, smells, touch, and tastes. You can write it here if it helps. Doing this will hurt - but - in doing this you are facing the hurt head-on instead of keeping it in the background where it creeps up to surprise you.
I don't recall you mentioning that your daughter was pregnant. I am sorry that the circumstances surrounding this child are unfavorable for a close connection. I can't imagine what you are going through. And what your son is going through. All the anger he and you are feeling is still riddled with grief-anger over Addison and now it is mixing in with this new baby. That is a dangerous mixture and can easily lead to complicated grief. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about shopping right now - I would worry about your mental health coming out on the other side of all this trauma. This is a very traumatic and dramatic situation you are in. I understand your thoughts turning toward Christmas. It sounds like it will still be a difficult time for you and your family at that time. Having this new baby in the exact circumstance of Addison is a bit over the top when it comes to coincidences. My heart is breaking for you, and your family.
That you are coherent enough to write to me says a lot about your resilience. It says that you are a very strong woman, with tremendous internal resources. I admire you.
I wish I could write several pages in response to your letter, but the truth-of-the-matter is there are no words to express my deep, heartfelt sympathy over the death of your grand daughter, and my unwavering admiration over how you are handling the rest of your life.
Please keep me informed. I am here.
Estil -
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