Know that you are in my heart and I treasure every word you write - for surely - it is no easy thing.
Thank you for the kind words about my grand daughter. As for my daughter, I can finally say that she is doing well. I could not say that until recently. It was 3 years in January and I have been worried about her until now. Thank you for asking about her.
When I take a birthday balloon to Nevaeh's grave I will think happy thoughts about your birthday - Leo sisters :-)
I am sorry to hear your daughter has had three miscarriage - most people do not realize that women begin a relationship with a fetus as soon as they find out they are pregnant. It doesn't matter when you miscarry, you have a relationship to grieve. I hope your daughter got a chance to grieve her children.
How am I doing? That is a good question. As far as my grief for Nevaeh, it is wonderful in that I can think about her and her death and feel warm inside. I appreciate all griefbursts because they remind me of how much I loved her and still do. Because I have many photos of her throughout my house, I do not go a day without thinking of her. But I can say that those thoughts are mostly filled with an appreciation that I got to hold an angel. I got to kiss an angel. And I got to love and be loved by an angel.
To answer your question about thinking about her and counting how long its been since she's gone - yes - that changed for me - I now only count how long we had her with us. Once in a while it will dawn on me that it has been 3 1/2 years, but that number isn't as important to me as the 24 birthdays we got to have with her (since we celebrated her birthday every Tuesday).
I too asked whether I was present enough for my daughter directly after Nevaeh's death, in the years to follow she has been able to talk with me about it. She has said that she was in so much shock, for so long, that she has no memories of who was there and who wasn't. As far as she knows, we were all there for her in every way we could be. That makes sense to me and I believe her. I suspect your son will say something similar when he is able to talk about it.
I cannot begin to express how very sorry I am that your mother has spoken the unspeakable. I can only imagine how much she must be hurting in order to be able to say that to a mourning grand mother. And, I can't begin to imagine how much you are hurting over it. If you stop to notice just how much that hurt, I bet you would feel like you were breaking in two. I am very sorry that happened.
I suppose a small town could be very hard to take. On the one hand it is nice that people want to talk to you about your grand-baby - even when their questions are inappropriate - because it gives you a chance to mourn. ON the other hand, at this stage in your grieving process, it is very difficult to take insensitivity or ignorance. I hope that as time goes on, their curiosity becomes a good outlet for you to mourn.
I believe grandparents were created to fill in the gaps for grandchildren so that they can experience the full range of human love. A grandmother's love is deeper than an ocean, wider than a mountain range, and stronger than any known element. When that love cannot be used in the way it was meant to be, the pain is unbearable. As we share in this unbearable pain, our connection will help each to bare a little more so that we can come out on the other side a little stronger, and better for the ware. If you can, take a moment and notice something in nature that reminds you of the glorious wonder in you.
Peace My Friend,
I am sorry it has taken me a few days to get back with you. Frankly, your circumstance was so dramatic and traumatic that I had to think about it before I responded. I can't imagine what you are going through.
Your grand child died less than five months ago - of course you still need to grieve. People in your town knows what it means to love completely and totally in such a short period of time - just ask any newly pregnant mom or dad. A grandparents love is the same way. The unrealized future of your grand daughter hurts you - your legacy (in her) died. To pretend it doesn't hurt is to hurt yourself more.
The reliving of the phone call concerns me - this could be something like post traumatic stress. You can release some of that stress by telling someone you trust the exact details leading up to and including that moment - sounds, sights, smells, touch, and tastes. You can write it here if it helps. Doing this will hurt - but - in doing this you are facing the hurt head-on instead of keeping it in the background where it creeps up to surprise you.
I don't recall you mentioning that your daughter was pregnant. I am sorry that the circumstances surrounding this child are unfavorable for a close connection. I can't imagine what you are going through. And what your son is going through. All the anger he and you are feeling is still riddled with grief-anger over Addison and now it is mixing in with this new baby. That is a dangerous mixture and can easily lead to complicated grief. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about shopping right now - I would worry about your mental health coming out on the other side of all this trauma. This is a very traumatic and dramatic situation you are in. I understand your thoughts turning toward Christmas. It sounds like it will still be a difficult time for you and your family at that time. Having this new baby in the exact circumstance of Addison is a bit over the top when it comes to coincidences. My heart is breaking for you, and your family.
That you are coherent enough to write to me says a lot about your resilience. It says that you are a very strong woman, with tremendous internal resources. I admire you.
I wish I could write several pages in response to your letter, but the truth-of-the-matter is there are no words to express my deep, heartfelt sympathy over the death of your grand daughter, and my unwavering admiration over how you are handling the rest of your life.
Please keep me informed. I am here.